to take DS to schools 'Dads Day', because there's no way I'm having him feel excluded?

[YesItIs]

Every year DSs school has a Dads Day where dad/granddad/male carer get to go into school and do lovely activities with their DC and spend some fab quality time together (picking up on the bitterness yet?)

Me and DSs dad are not together and never have been, but every year DSs dad will come down to take him, which they both look forward to. This year though, he can't as he has commitments with his new wife/family.

I don't have a dad around, so no grandfather, and no partner to take him. I am his No1 carer; his mum, his dad, all the bits in between.

So, I am taking him to dads day. I hate the fact that the school can get away with this, and exclude so many children who aren't fortunate to have a large extended family, or two parents, or a father who may not live with them but is in contact. And don't get me started on the poor bereaved children who may have lost their father, because I know of two in just the year DS is in alone.

I don't think I'm BU, and am quite looking forward to turning up and spending time with DS. The school don't organise a 'Lone Parents Day' or a 'Mums Day', so why the hell shouldn't I go with DS!!

Grr.

So, AIBU? Or should I just stay away and seethe quietly at home?

Like that idea Spamm. If he decides against going with his fatso mum, I shall print some 'look what we done' pics instead!

My children do not have a dad - he died four years ago. DS's school has an annual 'dads and lads' event, but it is held in the evening rather than during a normal school day, so anyone without a dad around can just not go, rather than having to go to school and see all the other children enjoying time with their fathers.

I think the school is probably being well-intentioned - yes, it is good to get fathers more involved - but deeply insensitive, specially if there are children at the school whose fathers have died. Has no one protested in previous years? Perhaps you could suggest they do something out of school hours which would make it a bit better for those without fathers.

Ah - just read the rest of the thread and saw it is actually on a Saturday. Not as bad, but still a little insensitive if they make a big thing of it before and after. TBH, I wouldn't go - I think if I took DS along to an event meant for dads it would make him feel even worse about it than just not going.

Our school has 'special person day' so anyone the child chooses can go. Much better imo.

I did notice a few female Dads at Gareth's appallingly sexist man-and-boy literacy football event. YANBU to go, YesItIs. Hope you have fun :)

I'm with the OP, although I think it's a bit thoughtless the school running such a day. Nice one OP; I wish you were my mum. x

I think it´s best to ask him, isn´t it?

Piss poor (imo) though that it´s only for Dads.

Where´s Mum´s chance to do some fun activities?

I can see it would be a day that husband & I would have been fighting over tbh!

If you object to this day so much why have you let ds's dad take him in previous years?

At our school they have 2 sessions like this a year. One is a bring a dad/granddad/male carer day. The other is bring a mum/grandma/female carer day.

Think if you're covering both it is more fair.

I'm really sorry that you feel bad about this but I don't think its so much a discrimination issue as a stupidity issues. At the end of the day lots of dads work full time (as do lots of mums) and this is a factor that most schools simply cannot seem to appreciate. My DH would never have been available during the school day and if he had tried to probably something would have come up and he would have had no choice but to let us down. DS and DD just had to toughen up and get used to it. Not saying it was right.

I think that a Dad's Day is a lovely idea actually, lots of children would relish some extra time to bond with their dad and involve them in their school.

You have said yourself that your DS and his dad have gone in previous years. This year your son has at least 2 males (Dad and Uncle) that could take him but they both have commitments this year that they can't (won't?) get out of.

So why make such a big fuss and try and get it stopped just because it doesn't personally fit your situation??? Have they said that mums can't go?? If not, and you and your son want to go, then go. Just don't try and get it stopped for all the children and dad's who would enjoy it. It's not all about you .

I'm going to go against the grain here.

But I don't think it's a bad thing - male role models are needed more in the children's lives in primary education, considering how few male teachers (with a lot of primary schools having none) there are. I think the fact that it is not a 'dad's day' but any male (granddad/uncle/dad/step-dad etc) can attend with them.

Why do you feel the need to think I'm going to attend as a mum, and be the only mum there?

You have said that your dh can't make it, not won't make it, if it was done at our school, fathers are away working for spells at a time, be it forces, sailing, oil rigs etc, so they couldn't make it.

You have said that your brother can't make it, so there are male roles around.

The reason they have done it on a Saturday is that it is non-compulsory, and I very much doubt there will be a 100% turnout, as other families will otherwise be occupied on the weekend.

I don't agree with the need to fight it for the sake, yes by all means get there to be a female role model day in education, but I think you'll find that is the case Mon-Fri during term time already.

Actually, have thought some more and I do think YABalittleU.

It's not during the normal school week, which I think makes a big difference.

We've had them during the week and either myself (for the mum one) or DH (for the dads one) hasn't been able to come for whatever reason. So I just explain why.

Are you sure that every single other father will be there? Sounds unlikely to me. Your ds knows that his dad has been there before but will surely appreciate that he can't this time - one of those things.

YANBU but I don't think the school are being mean about it just sexiest as I expect they assume the mother is the primary carer and does all the school related things so this is a way to involve dads more. I would go in though and not take any notice is anyone says anything. Is your son happy for you to go in and will there be any other mothers going in?

I do think though that his father should make the effort to go as presumably he lives with his wife and other children so sees them all the time. What are his commitments?

i also think it would be more pointed and marked that his dad cannot be there if you rock up with him in order to make a point.

My dd and ds1 would be if I turned up on dads' day because dh couldn't come as he was at work. They'd stick out like sore thumbs.

Better to arrange something really fun that you can do with him instead.

Well at least your DS has a dad who usually goes to dad's day with him, and for him this year is a one off. If ds's school did this I would be very cross indeed as he doesn't have a dad.

Good for you for going. I would do the same.

YABU and are going to make your son stand out like a sore thumb and he's going to have the piss ripped out of him no matter how much you try and reinforce a "positive stereotype". :(

If it were a schoolday I'd probably agree with you but it's a Saturday. Not all the kids will go. I do think it's a positive thing that the school wants to involve Dads and the day is open to any male relative or friend so they are acknowledging that not all Dads are involved in their DCs lives. They never had this at DDs school but if they had there would have been a lot of weekends when their Dad would have been unable to attend due to work commitments so they just wouldn't have been able to go.

Thank heavens are school doesn't have this. I remember the battle I had at nursery when Ds was asked to bring in a photo of his dad to make a card for father's day. No requirement to bring in picture of mum for mother's day card so I objected. Ds was the only child in the whole nursery without a dad in his life. Head of nursery apologised profusely and they did something different the next year.

If they did have a dad's day at ds's school I would take him. His father calls him the 'non-aborted foetus' and his uncle (my brother) calls him 'that mess', as in 'you got yourself into that mess so I'm not going to offer you any support and I don't think our mother should either'.

Thankfully Ds (6) seems pretty well adjusted and understands his family is different to others.

I can't quite see why this is so horrendous. You haven't complained in the last couple of years when someone could go with him - it's just this year the men in his life can't make it. Just explain to him that sorry, his Dad, Uncle are very busy this year. He won't be the only one whose Dad is working, or away, or busy etc. If it were taking school time, that's one thing, but it's a saturday - so it's like any other event out of school, some will attend, some won't. I would have thought it would be more mortifying for him to have you turn up and Make A Statement about it, especially as it's been fine as far as you are concerned the last couple of years.

Ultimately it's a well-intentioned if a little blunt instrument to get the traditionally absent parent involved. A friend's school does Dads and Doughnuts breakfasts which go down a storm and have won the school an award.

If it's on a Saturday then surely it's easy to not go to school that day and do something else as kids aren't normally at school on a Saturday, or am I missing the fact that this is a boarding school?

I think having a day for men to go in is quite positive as otherwise if it's a "bring a parent" day the dad will usually opt out.

Agree if you are to go in ensure you are doing it for him, not for you. If everyone else brings a dad your son may feel highly embarassed and get the micky taken for bringing his mum. Better to give the day a miss this year and avoid school for the day and do something nice together.

I can't see the problem either. Ds1's school had a fathers day breakfast. God it was so beautiful. 60 children. 60 dads. Every single dad came. Dh said they sang a song and it all bought a tear to his eye.
Dads involvement should be encouraged. Mums do most of the drop offs, meeting with teachers, alot of the reading practice. predominatley mum. so to involve dad in this way is fab.
If your child does not have a dad, for whatever reason, death divorce, whatever, that is extremely sad.
But you likewise can't punish those that do.
Maybe you would prefer 'parents day' ?

Do you object to 'mothers day' and 'fathers day' cards and the 'celebration day aswell ? although saying that there have been many threads over the years objecting to those as non christian, money making. which they partly are.

I totally see where you?re coming from, OP, and don?t think you?re being unreasonable and you and other Mums in a similar situation have every right to feel discriminated against.

FWIW, though, lots of Primary Schools will probably start to have this sort of event, and while it does need to be thought out more coherently in this case, the idea isn?t for it to be discriminatory or sexist. I work with 13 local primary schools as part of my role, and the research is national. Male carers are traditionally absent (very generally speaking) in many children?s school life, and research has proven that the children of families who engage with schools are far more likely to attain more and have a more rounded experience. The key target in trying to engage families is often the ?Dad? figure. This is why many schools will have Dads and Lads sports or literacy events. It is to get the male carer involved in the schooling, but also for the school to be enabled to meet the male carer and so engage him further in the decision processes of the schools.
I don?t have any link to any research, as I?m going on my own experiences within my LA, but I suspect that your DS?s school are trying to do the right thing by holding it on a Saturday, rather than making it compulsory.
If your DS?s school are anything like any of my schools, they would welcome the feedback and any suggestions that you have for improving the event in future years (ie including a Mum?s day etc)
If I were you, I would ask whoever is organising it, if there is a debrief or feedback opportunity (there should be, even if it?s only a questionnaire) and then make your feelings known that way.
My schools have a lot of parent power, and more than one school policy has been suggested and managed by parents.

Oh - and if you would like to go, then I don?t see any reason why not - what a great role model for your son!