to think my husband is overreacting just a bit

[chaya5738]

So I sent my husband a text message on Friday saying "....I wish you'd answer your fucking phone."

Now, I know it is terrible to swear at someone like that but the context is this. I had a job interview on Friday in London (a two hour journey from our home) and got completely thwarted by the traffic on the way home. It was pouring with rain and I was catching the train and when I got to the station there were no taxis and my bus didn't turn up (after waiting 40 mins) - no buses did due to weather. I ended up running in the rain to get a different bus, getting off the bus because it was gridlocked, running in the rain again to a different bus and then sitting on that for 30 mins barely moving. Long and short of it was that I was TERRIBLY late to collect my daughter from nursery. They charge 15GBP per ten minutes late aside from the guilt of it all.

I had called DH when I first discovered that the bus wasn't coming to first see whether he could collect her and then to get the nursery's phone number (my phone had broken the day before and I was using an old phone without their number in it). I started by calling him and just got to voicemail. I then texted saying "Hi there, in terrible trouble with traffic - whole town gridlocked, can you please call..." then "call urgently" and then "Am on bus. Will be terribly late for nursery. Can you call me with their number. Wish you'd answer your fucking phone." Final text was "Finally made it to nursery. Heading home now. Hope you are ok. xxx". This was after getting a bollocking from nursery for being so late.

DH got home to find DD in bed asleep, dinner on the table, and soaking clothes all hung up to dry. I didn't get mad at him at all - just said "Phew, what a nightmare this afternoon was. How was your day etc etc etc"

Anyway, he launched into this massive tirade of "Don't you EVER send me a text message like that again. I simply won't put up with you swearing at me." He was really really mad and things haven't been good all weekend.

Turns out he was at a work social function and didn't hear his phone, which I completely understand. Things like that happen (although, I ALWAYS have my phone at the ready in case DD is in trouble, sick etc at nursery).

Anyway, I KNOW it is bad to swear at your husband but it is really that bad in this situation? I was more reacting to the stressfulness of the situation than wanting to abuse him and I know I took it out on him but to treat me like a naughty schoolgirl was humiliating.

[preparing myself for the sanctimonious MN smack-down]

I think he's totally overreacting. You weren't even swearing at him. In the contexts of the other messages you sent it reads like someone getting frustrated with the situation, not blaming him.

Feeling guilty. Displacement.

Maybe he treated you like a naughty schoolgirl because you treated him like naughty schoolboy?

I don't see anything wrong in it. It would've made more sense to have laid into him when he came home, I know I do when my dh doesn't answer at the most crucial of times. But as he knew you were heading to London and not in your normal routine he should've been prepared for this. YANBU.

Thanks Yuno - that is what I tried to explain. It is not like I wrote "F*ck you! Wish you'd answer your phone."

I wrote such nice message before that but after 3 phone calls, a phone message, and numerous previous texts I finally said "I wish you'd answer your fucking phone."

So hard being married to Mr Perfect. Honestly. He never swears or does anything other than calmly (hence why his madness is so odd too). Makes my saying "fucking phone" feel like I have just told him I am having an affair.

He's upset about this??? Tell him to get a grip. Swearing at him is 'answer your phone you fucking twunt'. I'm a swearer of docker proportions though so guess it's all relative!
Surley, if you have good relationship & love, he must know it's out of character and was sheer frustration.
TBH I'd be having a go at him for ruining weekend over fuck all.

Hmmmm...really don't think I treated him like a naughty schoolboy since I wasn't actually angry with him at all. When he got home I almost forgotten how frustrating it was - just trying to laugh it off and wind down with a glass of wine. Previous texts had just been "call urgently" etc (was texting as running along the road in rain wearing heels)

Will you have to commute to london if you get the job?
Does your husband work locally to the Nursery?
Will you be working full time or part time, is this through choice?
Are you going to make your financial contribution to your family? Is your husband very active in encouraging you to contribute?

Heh heh, thanks for making me laugh PinkieMinx

That is what i mean about being married to Mr Perfect. He can be so precious sometimes and the fact that he NEVER swears, gets frustrated with situations means I often look bad. I don't ever swear at him though (just at my computer or a situation or something like that)

He's lucky then - if DH had a penny for every name I called him, he'd have enough to leave me

I hope you called him a sanctimonious twat!

Is it more likely that he had his phone switched off?

I would be really annoyed if my dh sent me a text like that as I hate swearing and it would really get my back up to be sent such an abrupt rude text. He may have over-reacted but there is no need to be so rude to him either. Maybe there is something else that is making him so cross at you.

YANBU. He is though, for ruining the weekend.

Tell Ask him to have his phone on vibrate in future.

When you're a parent, you need to be able to be contacted.
What if there'd been a problem at nursery and they'd needed to get hold of him earlier, while you were in London?

Hi minimathsmouse, not sure how this is relevant but I am already working. We would move to London probably if I got job. I could be earning 4 times his salary so definitely making a financial contribution :) He works locally to nursery but it is still a bit tricky to collect and pick up on time (as you all probably know). As for whether it is by choice, I like working but not long hours as I want time for DD. I'd rather work part-time but almost impossible in my profession.

his reaction seems way out of proportion for soeone who is normally very calm. could there be something else behind his reaction? it does sound like guilt but it also sounds like he is reacting to sonething else. is there more of a backstory?

Hi werewolf - that is exactly what I said. What if she had been sick or injured. But he just responded that that was no excuse for swearing. It is like being married to my grandfather sometimes.

i also do not like swearing and would have been annoyed if i had gotten that text but it would not have ruined the weekend. i would have said something like, "sorry i didn't get your messages, but please don't swear at me, it doesn't make me hear the phone any better."

It wasn't abrupt or particularly rude in context - it followed repeated attempts by the OP to get hold of him in an emergency. Thanks to her dh's inability to check his darn phone, she's been charged ££££ by nursery. He should pay it.

IF he'd said 'gosh, sorry, I missed all your messages, were you OK?' then I'd let him off and just laugh about it. But for him to get on his high horse is just ridiculous. He's at fault here. Parents should be able to be reached in case there's a problem - what if the OP was on a broken down train and was unable to reach nursery until late evening?

Chaya, your dh is being VU and should apologise. He should also make sure he can be reached in future in case he needs to pick up HIS daughter. He is just as responsible for meeting her needs as you are. Don't let him evade his responsibilities by making you feel in the wrong.

YANBU at all. He's over reacting like a total moron. Sorry!

Hi booyhoo, I thought it would probably sound like I was hiding a backstory but I don't really have one. Like I said, i am more reactive than him and swear a lot more but I never ever swear at him or other people. And I suppose i get frustrated more easily. But he is almost the most unflappable person in the world so anyone would seem more reactive in comparison. So yes, it is all out of character for him. I think he is unhappy in his job, hated this social function, felt guilty etc. I don't know.

I wonder if someone at work saw the text message and he's feeling embarrassed?

as he really at a social function?

Hi Chaya, I ask because its relavant. From your answers my opinion is that DH is being very unreasonable if not also a bit of a bully.

If you are contributing at least on an equal par financially, then he should do his bit and be prepared to look after DD when needed. That will mean sometimes answering the telephone.

Crikey, me and DH say far worse than this to each other when we are being nice!

What we never do though, is tell each other off, or order each other to behave in a specific way. I think what your DH was trying to say is "I don't think your tone was fair, I don't like being spoken to like that, could you try and be more considerate in future" - which is what I would suggest is your next line.

I wouldn't have ruined a whole weekend over it either booyhoo but it does sound like something else must be up for him to act like that.