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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my husband is overreacting just a bit

102 replies

chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 15:51

So I sent my husband a text message on Friday saying "....I wish you'd answer your fucking phone."

Now, I know it is terrible to swear at someone like that but the context is this. I had a job interview on Friday in London (a two hour journey from our home) and got completely thwarted by the traffic on the way home. It was pouring with rain and I was catching the train and when I got to the station there were no taxis and my bus didn't turn up (after waiting 40 mins) - no buses did due to weather. I ended up running in the rain to get a different bus, getting off the bus because it was gridlocked, running in the rain again to a different bus and then sitting on that for 30 mins barely moving. Long and short of it was that I was TERRIBLY late to collect my daughter from nursery. They charge 15GBP per ten minutes late aside from the guilt of it all.

I had called DH when I first discovered that the bus wasn't coming to first see whether he could collect her and then to get the nursery's phone number (my phone had broken the day before and I was using an old phone without their number in it). I started by calling him and just got to voicemail. I then texted saying "Hi there, in terrible trouble with traffic - whole town gridlocked, can you please call..." then "call urgently" and then "Am on bus. Will be terribly late for nursery. Can you call me with their number. Wish you'd answer your fucking phone." Final text was "Finally made it to nursery. Heading home now. Hope you are ok. xxx". This was after getting a bollocking from nursery for being so late.

DH got home to find DD in bed asleep, dinner on the table, and soaking clothes all hung up to dry. I didn't get mad at him at all - just said "Phew, what a nightmare this afternoon was. How was your day etc etc etc"

Anyway, he launched into this massive tirade of "Don't you EVER send me a text message like that again. I simply won't put up with you swearing at me." He was really really mad and things haven't been good all weekend.

Turns out he was at a work social function and didn't hear his phone, which I completely understand. Things like that happen (although, I ALWAYS have my phone at the ready in case DD is in trouble, sick etc at nursery).

Anyway, I KNOW it is bad to swear at your husband but it is really that bad in this situation? I was more reacting to the stressfulness of the situation than wanting to abuse him and I know I took it out on him but to treat me like a naughty schoolgirl was humiliating.

[preparing myself for the sanctimonious MN smack-down]

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 04/10/2010 08:59

I think he felt guilty for not being there when you needed him so displaced his guilt onto you for sending your text message. I wouldnt normally send a sweary text but reckon I would have done in the situation you described I felt stressed just reading it!

NordicPrincess · 04/10/2010 10:55

you used the f word as an oulet for your anger, whats wrong with that? language is just language and you are not responcible for how he responds to it. he needs to grow up

Original poster
chaya5738 · 04/10/2010 10:58

Hi everyone, thanks for the messages. Have only managed to get back on this thread just now.

The reason I didn't called 118 was that we are not from the UK and I didn't know it existed. The thought did occur to me on the bus that I could ask a stranger whether there was such a number but by then the bus was moving AND the nursery called to ask where I was. One of the other mothers managed to text me with it also. All a bit late though.

Yeah, there is probably more going on in his head than he is letting on. He did call once he got my messages to say sorry he didn't get them. I was busy feeding DD so couldn't talk but was quite pleasant to him.

I think the posters are right though that I am too submissive with him so my swearing probably came as a shock. We hardly ever fight - it is something I used to find quite odd about our relationship (last one wasn't like this at all) but quite a relief sometimes. But I think it means that both of us probably bottle some things us.

Anyway, thanks everyone. Will try to figure out how to go on from here.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 04/10/2010 11:03

I think SonicMiddleAge is spot on.

ChippingIn · 04/10/2010 11:57

Chaya - I hope you get the job!

You know where we are if you want to 'talk' anymore :)

mumeeee · 04/10/2010 12:08

YABU. It was very rude to send him a txt like that and if DH or anyone did this to me I would be very annoyed. But I do think he over reacted a bit especially as you've said he is usually calm

ChippingIn · 04/10/2010 12:51

I can't believe what 'sheltered' lives some of you live, to think 'I wish you'd answer your fucking phone' is soooo bad?!

LisaD1 · 04/10/2010 13:10

I would have sent similar and probably worse in the OP's situation! And if, after such a hellish day, my DH had dared to come in and bollock me about a swear word in a text born entirely out of frustration he would be having trouble sitting down as his mobile would be firmly lodged up his sanctimonious arse!

ChippingIn · 04/10/2010 14:51

Lisa... that too!!

verytellytubby · 04/10/2010 14:57

I would have sent worse and replied fuck off when he told me not to swear in a text!

You were at an interview in London. He should have been on call and checking his phone.

He doesn't sound like Mr Perfect to me at all.

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 19:11

ChippingIn its simply rude...it's not about having a sheltered life my dear..

ChippingIn · 04/10/2010 22:15

Mumcentreplus - I don't find it rude - I find it somewhat pathetic that you find it so... so how about you go and patronise someone else my dear.

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 22:37

awww..I'm glad you got the full force of my patronisation ...I do..sorry my dear but each to their own.. if my DH sent me a text telling me to answer my fucking phone when I obviously did not ignore the person but genuinely did not see the text it would piss me off..I can equally see why a person could become so upset and pissed they might send said text (I have in the past) that does not change the fact it was what it was rude!..the OP asked for my opinion and I gave it..I dont even find your response pathetic because you obviously believe that its ok to treat people like that..

spikeycow · 04/10/2010 22:52

No, what if there was an actual emergency? Not hearing your phone isn't an excuse, you check the screen every now and then or what's the point having a mobile? Ignoring calls is much ruder than swearing, which is part of life especially when dealing with twattish useless people

newwave · 04/10/2010 22:58

IMHO he got off very lightly, if my OH had reacted like that he would be wearing the dinner together with a torrent of abuse to go with it.

Obviously he didnt give a toss how your interview had gone or he would have been waiting for a call or text, smug git.

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 22:59

People actually really have a total reliance upon mobiles..wtf did we do before them? Hmm

SpeedyGonzalez · 05/10/2010 00:09

Chaya, unless I'm missing something it sounds like you had one hell of a day but your DH had absolutely no idea about it. So, not having heard your voicemail message, your text came completely out of the blue and clearly knocked him for six.

I don't think he's overreacting.

I know it's hard when you're stressed out (by 'you're' I also mean 'I'm' Wink) but next time try to place yourself in his mind before you send a pissed-off text. I spose it's a bit like drunken texting - always best to stop and calm down before you press 'send'.

snowmama · 05/10/2010 09:18

YANBU

A few things concern me.

  1. It was an important interview day (2 hours away from home). Why didn't your DH do the pick up as a matter of course.
  1. It was an important interview 2 hours away - why was your DH not glued to his phone, in case anything went wrong ?
  1. The anger over a small thing - whilst you were being understanding to him after a pretty stressful day
  1. What is your plan if you get your job. You will not be able to do the drop offs/pick ups, dinners as you do now.

You will be the primary breadwinner by a fair mile, and he will have to pick up the slack....is he prepared for it ? Will he do it without making you feel guilty ?

FindingMyMojo · 05/10/2010 10:16

YANBU - he should answer the phone when you call or respond to your texts. He's a parent, so unless the world will end if he answers the phone he should make every effort to be in contact with you.

I would have been furious in your situation - I think you were very gracious & he's not Mr Perfect, but was a bit of a prick. Sounds like he missed your call because he was having fun & so put his bad feelings onto you.

Original poster
chaya5738 · 05/10/2010 10:47

Update: I didn't get the job afterall. Boo hoo. Oh well, that solves the problem of whether we move to London and who picks up DD.
The text didn't come out of the blue, btw. It was preceded by a series of other texts - one when I got on the train, one when I got to my town, one when the bus wasn't showing up, one when I needed the number, then one just saying "call urgntly" (written while running along the road, then the one from the bus that is at issue. Followed by one telling him I had collected DD and not to worry. This is accompanied by three phonecalls and one voicemail (not rude, just panicked).
His argument is that he received these all at once when he finally checked his phone so it felt like an enslaught/aggressive attack culminating in the "wish you'd answer your fucking phone" whereas for me it was THREE HOURS of trying to get hold of him.
He is still pissy about it until I apologise. I have said that it was wrong to send the text but apparently I am not sincere enough. Tried to explain that I might have been a bit more apologetic if he just said that it upset him rather than launching into a huge telling off right from the start: "Don't you EVER send a text to me like that again. I simply won't stand for it...blah blah blah"
Sigh. I think we'll just have to agree to disagree about this one. But not getting this job has definitely been a mixed blessing.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 05/10/2010 10:55

chaya, when you say a mixed blessing. what you really mean is things will stay as they are so he has no reason to make you feel bad and he gets to carry on his life without having to think of his wife and daughter as you will still be there to do all the worrying and sorting. i feel for you, you seem totally resigned to submitting to his moods.

Original poster
chaya5738 · 05/10/2010 11:07

Thanks booyhoo, i think it is easier since things won't have to change. But I was nervous about moving to London.
I don't really know aboutt this and what to do. It is hate feeling like you can't express any sort of frustration without being told you are a bad person.

btw, the exchange between ChippingIn and mumcentreplus interested me because I would find the patronising "my dear" phrase more offensive than a swear word. My dear is clearly directed at someone and indicates a sort of contempt. Just goes to show how each has their own trigger points!

OP posts:
booyhoo · 05/10/2010 11:25

chaya, are you going to try and speak to him about this or are you just accepting that this is how it is? how will it be for your daughter when she is growing up and feels she can't express herself? i think you need to adress this and it will not be a quick and easy process.

snowmama · 05/10/2010 11:56

Chaya, I am with booyhoo on this one.

Try to talk to him and get to the bottom of it. I feel there are a few issues raised here that would be useful to unpick. You should be able to speak your mind without being accused of being a 'bad' person.

ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 12:00

Chaya - re the swearing/my dear - I agree with you, but chose not to continue the 'arguement' on your thread.

I think it's a shame you didn't get the job :( Keep applying for others! Money might not make people happy, but it certainly makes life a bit easier (I assume it's a hike from what you are earning now from what you said).

You really, really need to address the issues in your relationship or it will go from bad to worse :( It's no life for you and it's a terrible example to your daughter. Why do you think he feels so superior and able to 'set the rules'??