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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my husband is overreacting just a bit

102 replies

chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 15:51

So I sent my husband a text message on Friday saying "....I wish you'd answer your fucking phone."

Now, I know it is terrible to swear at someone like that but the context is this. I had a job interview on Friday in London (a two hour journey from our home) and got completely thwarted by the traffic on the way home. It was pouring with rain and I was catching the train and when I got to the station there were no taxis and my bus didn't turn up (after waiting 40 mins) - no buses did due to weather. I ended up running in the rain to get a different bus, getting off the bus because it was gridlocked, running in the rain again to a different bus and then sitting on that for 30 mins barely moving. Long and short of it was that I was TERRIBLY late to collect my daughter from nursery. They charge 15GBP per ten minutes late aside from the guilt of it all.

I had called DH when I first discovered that the bus wasn't coming to first see whether he could collect her and then to get the nursery's phone number (my phone had broken the day before and I was using an old phone without their number in it). I started by calling him and just got to voicemail. I then texted saying "Hi there, in terrible trouble with traffic - whole town gridlocked, can you please call..." then "call urgently" and then "Am on bus. Will be terribly late for nursery. Can you call me with their number. Wish you'd answer your fucking phone." Final text was "Finally made it to nursery. Heading home now. Hope you are ok. xxx". This was after getting a bollocking from nursery for being so late.

DH got home to find DD in bed asleep, dinner on the table, and soaking clothes all hung up to dry. I didn't get mad at him at all - just said "Phew, what a nightmare this afternoon was. How was your day etc etc etc"

Anyway, he launched into this massive tirade of "Don't you EVER send me a text message like that again. I simply won't put up with you swearing at me." He was really really mad and things haven't been good all weekend.

Turns out he was at a work social function and didn't hear his phone, which I completely understand. Things like that happen (although, I ALWAYS have my phone at the ready in case DD is in trouble, sick etc at nursery).

Anyway, I KNOW it is bad to swear at your husband but it is really that bad in this situation? I was more reacting to the stressfulness of the situation than wanting to abuse him and I know I took it out on him but to treat me like a naughty schoolgirl was humiliating.

[preparing myself for the sanctimonious MN smack-down]

OP posts:
create · 03/10/2010 17:40

He's over reacting because he has a guilty conscience . Where exactly was he? I work with loads of men who keep their personal mobiles with them and switched on at all times once they're parents. As others have said, once you have DC you need to be contactable.

All that time and he never looked at his phone?

undercovamutha · 03/10/2010 17:51

OP YANBU. Shouting at you like you are a child, is equal to swearing IMO.

Mumcentreplus · 03/10/2010 18:07

You are both wrong ..and acting like prats..
you should not have sworn at him...i have my phone with me at work but I'm busy or in meetings so I dont always hear it..that has to be taken into consideration..
and he should not have shouted at you because its obvious when you sent that text you were at the end of your rope, he should have considered your situation/emotional state and not spoken to you like, that he could have made his point without belittling you...

in the past before I have become quite upset/frustrated when I'm sending texts and geting no answer and the same has been said for my DH..we have both acted idiotic in the past and I've learned not to jump to conclusions or allow my emotions to get the better of me when it comes to phones..

maybe have a chat with each other about how you both feel about what happened..I'm sure you'll work it out Smile

sapphireblue · 03/10/2010 18:11

He's being a total moron. Probably because he feels guilty that you were stuck in traffic in the pouring rain and incurred a massive nursery fine, whilst he was sitting in a pub somewhere having a whale of a time.

Squitten · 03/10/2010 18:19

It was a one-off - this isn't how you usually react and it was a very stressful situation so he should cut you some slack. Acting like a twat in return doesn't make him look particularly brilliant...

FWIW, save yourself some trouble next time you've lost a phone number and call 118 or one of those services and get the number yourself!

Hassled · 03/10/2010 18:54

I think you should show him this thread. He's behaving like a complete fool and needs to start taking his responsibilities as a parent and as a husband slightly more seriously. He's completely over-reacting to some understandable swearing and I'd say it's classic transference - he knows he should be cross at himself, but he's pinning it on you.

How did the interview go? Did you get the job?

loveinsuburbia · 03/10/2010 19:13

"YANBU. He is a father and knew you were going to be at an interview so whould have kept an eye on his phone in case anything happened at nursery with you being so far away."

Exactly this. You did not call him an expletive laden name, you happened to use a swearword in a text.

PortOutStarboardHome · 03/10/2010 19:17

He knew you were coming back from London and wasn't checking his phone? What a twat.

If he was perfect he should have been shouldering ALL of the childcare that day. And asking you how the interview went and what you would like for supper.

My husband is a complete imbecile at times when he is at work, but he knows that when I go to London to work, he is in charge of childcare.

booyhoo · 03/10/2010 23:29

i have just realised something, he came home and laid into you about swearing at him in a text. that means at some point before he got home, he read his messages yet he still didn't send you a quick message to say he was ok after he hadn't been in touch all day.you even sent your last message saying "hope you are ok xxx". so he knew you were concerned at this point and still couldn't settle your worries that something might have happened to him. what a twat. there is more going on in his head than you know about i am afraid. his reaction was disproportionate but that behaviour tells me there is something else going on in his head. if i had messages like that from my partner and just read them all after a work event i would send a quick reply to say, "i am ok, sorry about no contact, work meeting, be home soon, talk later". why didn't he even do that? did he even stop to think what you had been through? why wasn't he texting to ask how interview went? where's the love?

ChippingIn · 03/10/2010 23:43

He is being a complete BellEnd!!

I agree with Booyhoo & others...

He should have been responsible for DD, not you.

He needs to realise that he is her Dad and your husband and this means he has a responsibility to you both - this doesn't end because he's at work (if he was).

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 00:15

Sorry but your reaction was still not appropriate and neither was his..if you made an agreement that was different..hence the reason you did not get mad at him in the first instance...

SolidGoldBrass · 04/10/2010 00:39

Interesting the way you refer to this man as Mr Perfect when in fact he's irresponsible, selfish and self-important. He's spent so much time telling you he's better than you because he doesn't swear that you've started to believe it.
He is not your boss or your owner, and if he ever 'tells you off' again say 'Don't talk such bollocks' and walk off till he's calmed down.

Appletrees · 04/10/2010 00:46

Not ok to go off on one.

Apprprioate thought process is: my goodness, chaya never sends that kind of text or talks to me like that, she must have had a hell of a time.

He must know you, and know that your message meant you were up it without a paddle, not that you are a caaaaaah that needs to be ticked off.

He is wrong.

Mumi · 04/10/2010 01:24

Myself and DS's dad always check our phones aorund hometime in case the other has called, would always try and get in touch to ask if the other/DS is alright if we thought something was up - and we're XPs! YANBU.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2010 02:16

Your DH's reaction does sound very 'attack is the best form of defence'. He knew he was in the wrong for not being contactable.

Common sense dictates that if you are travelling 2 hours distance, holdups are possible and alternate arrangements for nursery pickup may be required. He should have been on the alert for this (although you should both have prearranged it anyway).

Rather than being Mr Perfect, is it possible that he is Mr Inflexible? And that the possibility of you earning four times what he does could be the real reason he's got such a bag on?

SonicMiddleAge · 04/10/2010 04:47

Is he trying to demonstrate how hard life is going to be (for you!) if you get the job and take the wind out of your sails? Can't beleive he never even asked you how it went? and yes, as a srtating the bleeding obvious he needs to pull his weight on splitting e.g. pick-ups and drop offs, feeding etc.

needafootmassage · 04/10/2010 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiredofTelford · 04/10/2010 06:28

YANBU! I would probably have done the same as you up to the point where he started telling you off. Then I would have said "you must be effing kidding me" and had a go back. Ok you swore, but you could have sent a much harsher text than that (just without the swearing) or been upset when he got back and started an argument, which would have been worse IMO. But then dh is used to me swearing (Glaswegian!) so would have taken it to be exasperation rather than a personal attack. I think your dh needs to get a grip and stop being so precious!

gtamom · 04/10/2010 07:07

He is over reacting, and rather cold.

maddylou · 04/10/2010 07:21

Would he have been OK with bloody I`m not a prude but try hard not to use that particular word.
could you get a friend to agree to pick up in advance if you are delayed?
Can see both sides of this one.

diddl · 04/10/2010 07:37

What makes me Shock is that when he gets in, his first thought is himself.

His upset at seeing a swear word on his phone.

Not how is his daughter after being collected late, not how is his wife after a nightmare journey.

But his own hurt feelings.

Bit precious imo.

And I wouldn´t say that you swore at him either.

skidoodly · 04/10/2010 07:43

Good post booey

I agree with Solid - he's really done a number on you if he's convinced you that not swearing makes him Mr. Perfect when he takes fuck all responsibility for his own children.

The way he has punished you all weekend for losing you rag when in a very stressful situation, on a very stressful day, is quite chilling.

Why didn't you tell him to fuck off? He was way out of order to have been uncontactable for so long when you were hours away.

Oenopod · 04/10/2010 07:44

What I want to know is why didn't the OP call one of the 118 numbers to get the number of the nursery, seeing as she had forgotten to take it out with her?

Aside from any arguments as to whether her DH should take more responsibility his DD - the OP's complaint was that she was trying to contact him to get the number so she could let them know she was running late.

Why not, when her DH didn't answer the first call, did she not try to get the number herself from the most obvious place? Directory Enquiries....

I would be well pissed off if my DH swore at me like that for not answering him instantly. What if he'd been out of reception (I can be for hours at a time) or flat battery? Or lost/stolen phone?

In this situation, the OP had accepted responsibility for her DD's pick-up so the onus was on her to sort it out.

However, if my DH sulked all weekend like a child I'd leave him to it and go and have some fun by myself.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/10/2010 08:08

YANBU

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 04/10/2010 08:52

Agree with Booey and SGB.

If I got a series of messages, escalating in urgency, I would try and ring as soon as I got them and apologise.

You sound like Mrs Perfect to be honest. You're working all the hours, and still taking the bulk of the responsibility.

He doesn't sound like Mr Perfect to me...