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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my husband is overreacting just a bit

102 replies

chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 15:51

So I sent my husband a text message on Friday saying "....I wish you'd answer your fucking phone."

Now, I know it is terrible to swear at someone like that but the context is this. I had a job interview on Friday in London (a two hour journey from our home) and got completely thwarted by the traffic on the way home. It was pouring with rain and I was catching the train and when I got to the station there were no taxis and my bus didn't turn up (after waiting 40 mins) - no buses did due to weather. I ended up running in the rain to get a different bus, getting off the bus because it was gridlocked, running in the rain again to a different bus and then sitting on that for 30 mins barely moving. Long and short of it was that I was TERRIBLY late to collect my daughter from nursery. They charge 15GBP per ten minutes late aside from the guilt of it all.

I had called DH when I first discovered that the bus wasn't coming to first see whether he could collect her and then to get the nursery's phone number (my phone had broken the day before and I was using an old phone without their number in it). I started by calling him and just got to voicemail. I then texted saying "Hi there, in terrible trouble with traffic - whole town gridlocked, can you please call..." then "call urgently" and then "Am on bus. Will be terribly late for nursery. Can you call me with their number. Wish you'd answer your fucking phone." Final text was "Finally made it to nursery. Heading home now. Hope you are ok. xxx". This was after getting a bollocking from nursery for being so late.

DH got home to find DD in bed asleep, dinner on the table, and soaking clothes all hung up to dry. I didn't get mad at him at all - just said "Phew, what a nightmare this afternoon was. How was your day etc etc etc"

Anyway, he launched into this massive tirade of "Don't you EVER send me a text message like that again. I simply won't put up with you swearing at me." He was really really mad and things haven't been good all weekend.

Turns out he was at a work social function and didn't hear his phone, which I completely understand. Things like that happen (although, I ALWAYS have my phone at the ready in case DD is in trouble, sick etc at nursery).

Anyway, I KNOW it is bad to swear at your husband but it is really that bad in this situation? I was more reacting to the stressfulness of the situation than wanting to abuse him and I know I took it out on him but to treat me like a naughty schoolgirl was humiliating.

[preparing myself for the sanctimonious MN smack-down]

OP posts:
Original poster
chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 16:12

Thanks everyone.

I think if he had said "It really upset me when you swore in your text message" or something like that but the fact that he launched into his "I won't stand for you swearing at me. Don't ever swear at me again..." rant made me feel like I was being told off by a teacher. It was like he was practicing for DD for when she became a teenager or something. Hmm

And I hadn't even been mad at him when he got home after all this. I was completely understanding.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 03/10/2010 16:13

i agree dexter, his reaction is way OTT for someone who is normally very calm.

PinkieMinx · 03/10/2010 16:13

There's your first mistake - never be understanding, it confuses men Wink

diddl · 03/10/2010 16:16

What on earth sort of function was it that he couldn´t hear his phone?

Or had he really left it in the car or something?

minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 16:16

My DH would never dare to ask me to change my tone. I speak as I always have and I won't be sensored. Why do people get married if they don't know each other well enough. OP swore at DH because she was worried and frustrated because of DD pick up and because he selfishly refuses to keep phone handy in case of emergencies. Even the most senseless male could understand the situation that lead to the swearing in this case.

NestaFiesta · 03/10/2010 16:18

YANBU. He is a father and knew you were going to be at an interview so whould have kept an eye on his phone in case anything happened at nursery with you being so far away.

OK you swore at him- not so good, but it was a crisis and he didn't help you in an emergency- I'd have been really annoyed myself if my DH had done the same. Once you're a parent you never know when you might be needed, social function or not.

Also I hate it when husbands sulk and spoil your whole weekend. He was totally unreasonable to do that. All he had to do was say "don't swear at me on the phone!" and you'd say "sorry I was in a flap" and you could still both have had a good weekend.

dexter73 · 03/10/2010 16:20

Must have been a good function if he couldn't hear his phone ring! I never hear my phone ring when I am in the pub as I am nattering too much and the music is too loud!

minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 16:23

Will OP's DH keep his phone with him when he is only too happy to help OP spend her wages, which will be four times what he brings to the party! Why should working women shoulder the responsibility for house, home and family alone when most of us are either coerced or even happy to help provide financially. If OP gets the job and is paid more the DH, then surely DH should help and support her, that may include answering the phone and nursery pick ups if need be.

Original poster
chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 16:23

I often don't hear my phone and sometimes I have to turn it to silent when I am in meetings but I obsessively check it to see whether I have missed a call - I am paranoid that something might happen to DD and they can't get hold of me.

In the fight we had post being told off I said that to him - he only has the luxury of not worrying whether he misses calls because he has me.

OP posts:
Original poster
chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 16:27

Yip, thanks minimathsmouse although my DH is so perfect he barely ever spends anything on anything unless it is absolutely necessary. Sigh. And he is actually quite generous with his own salary on me.

But yes, our argument did descend in to why I am having to do EVERYTHING. I told him he is going to have to ask for flexi-time at work so he can shoulder some of the load. Am currently dropping DD off, going to work, picking DD up, giving her dinner, cooking dinner for us, and then working in the evenings. All in heels ;)

OP posts:
minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 16:29

Chaya, If you were me, you would be telling DH that if he is prepared to earn 4 times his current sallary, you will happilly stay at home, baby him and look after DD. You will never say anything that might make him think you are questioning his exhalted position as bread winner.

However if he is happy to take your wages, then he should happilly help and take his fair share of family responsibilities.

motherinferior · 03/10/2010 16:33

I had a very similar situation a couple of years ago when I was the one who'd switched the phone off - I was at a conference. But I shouldn't have turned my phone off - poor DP couldn't find where I'd parked the car to pick up the kids, and frankly if he'd sent a message like that I'd have, you know, felt he was being perfectly reasonable.

fluffles · 03/10/2010 16:37

it's about taking joint responsibility isn't it, by not having his phone where he could see it and not checking it he pushed 100% of the responsibility for your DD onto you on a day when you had a stressful interview (even if the traffic had all been fine).

i think you need to make that clear to him when you apologise for swearing and say that you won't swear in future if he doesn't do that to you again.

i get so mad when mothers have to shoulder the parenting responsibility while at work and fathers choose not to - even if the mother earns more and has an equally responsible job.

diddl · 03/10/2010 16:41

If he was perfect he would have offered to have the day/afternoon off to collect your daughter so that you wouldn´t have to bother.

booyhoo · 03/10/2010 16:44

OP tell him that for the next working week you will be uncontactable to him or the nursery until you return home in the evening. tell the nursery they are to contact him if they need a parent for an issue and let him see what it is like to be 100% responsible by himself. then he wil maybe undertsand why you were frustrated with him.

TiggyD · 03/10/2010 16:46

Your minor understandable bad.

But you should have left more contacts at nursery. The nursery could never have too many emergency contact numbers. There comes a time when a nursery will decide that the child just isn't going to be picked up and call social services or somebody.

Schroeder · 03/10/2010 16:46

You weren't even telling him off you just said that you "wished".

Yanbu

Tootlesmummy · 03/10/2010 16:51

Tell him to get a fucking grip!

I'd just leave him to sulk.

Laquitar · 03/10/2010 17:01

'He is Mr Perfect. He never swears...'

Is this because you are Mrs Perfect and he simply doesn't have a reason to get angry? What i mean is how would HE react if he was in your shoes? Would he text 'oh never mind sweetheart, we' ll pay £15 extra and the child might be upset but no problem' Hmm.

Normal people get angry sometimes. Traffic and late picking from nursery can test the most calm person in the world i think.

Are you sure it was work event? (sorry)

booyhoo · 03/10/2010 17:09

tiggy, why should OP have left more contacts, why couldn't her DH have done that or even better, why couldn''t he just have been a parent and kept an eye on his phone? i don't get why it is up to OP to provide the back up contacts for her husband's lack of parenting. if he doesn't want to answer the phone then he should leave other contacts.

scottishmummy · 03/10/2010 17:24

he isnt overreacting,and i dont blame him for being cross.you did have a lot on your plate and a stressful sequence of events but no that doesnt wholly excuse you going off on one at him

booyhoo · 03/10/2010 17:28

but it's ok for him to go off on one at her SM?

motherinferior · 03/10/2010 17:30

Tiggy, who on earth could the OP have added to her emergency contact list? I certainly couldn't add an extra person!

nearlytoolate · 03/10/2010 17:38

Do you ever have rows or get angry with each other? Or do you always have to swallow your feelings and be 'nice' to each other. I'd have been mad in your shoes, really mad, and would have been utterly unapologetic about swearing until he had grovelled for not being available in your hour of need...

snoozathon · 03/10/2010 17:40

YANBU at all, and I think your DH is (in this situation) acting like a total brat!

You had an interview - why wasn't he texting you 'good luck' messages?!

I would have reacted exactly as you did, but without having the house and kids all sorted when he got back! Women have an amazing knack of keeping things together and I think you did incredibly well. I would have been a wreck and screaming at him if he'd made the whole day about one bloody text.

Angry on your behalf OP.