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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not EVERY Night...

79 replies

Bathsheba · 30/09/2010 16:22

My DH has a good job. He works close to the house and walks there and back.

We are very very thankful that he has a job - he worked very hard for it and enjoys it.

But EVERY NIGHT "something" comes up that means he has to stay late....

Nothing major, he isn;t a brain surgeon or a lifeboatman, he is a computer programmer...

This weeks its "there was a conference and then I had to go and test a machine", or "well there was a bit of code that wouldn't work..."

I know how lucky we both are, but when I have 3 children and DD3 who is 8 months is teething, just 1 night I'd like the clock to tick to 5:15 (he should finish at 5 and we are about 10 mins walk from his work) and hear his key in the door...

Just 1 night every so often....

Just 1 evening when I'm not thinking "will I feed the girls or will we wait on him, because he likes to be here for family dinner but as I have no idea when he'll actually walk through the door..." or 1 evening when I don;t phone his desk phone at 6:15 to see if he is still there or if he is on his way home...

(He DOES go away abroad fairly often, so I am used to not having him come home at all - at least on those nights I know what is happening, I know we can eat when we like rather than wait for him etc....)

Next week its "Oh there is a training course all day every day and then after that I'll need to do bits around the office...." so no idea when he'll be home any of next week either...

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 30/09/2010 16:24

do you really want anyone to point out the obvious answer?

Hedgeblunder · 30/09/2010 16:25

That's crap, I'm in a similarsitiation -mine works away 2-3 nights per week. Tbh I bet he doesn't like it any more than you do :)

cupcakesandbunting · 30/09/2010 16:25

Erm...

I know what I want to say but will keep my trap shut.

ShatnersBassoon · 30/09/2010 16:26

How late is he getting home? Could he get to work earlier to free up more of his evening?

It sounds as if you're being a bit unreasonable, but he should let you know if he's not going to be home for dinner.

mosschops30 · 30/09/2010 16:26

you and me both cupcakes

minipie · 30/09/2010 16:33

Well there are three possible answers here:

  1. he's using the old "stay late in the office" excuse to cover something else.

  2. he's (consciously or subconsciously) trying to avoid Hell Hour when the DCs are fed and bathed

  3. his job is not actually a 9 to 5 job (even if that's what he was told) it's more like a 9 to 7 job, and that is just how long he is expected to work. In which case you and he need to decide whether you're both willing to deal with the extra hours, or whether he will look for a job where he gets out the door at 5 reliably.

I think 2) or 3) (or some combination of the two) are the most likely.

Ragwort · 30/09/2010 16:38

I thought this thread was going to be about expecting to have sex every night Grin .....

I have been married over 20 years - my DH has never had a 'set' time for getting home - surely that's just the way it is - I was the same when I worked.

Original poster
Bathsheba · 30/09/2010 16:41

Hio everyone

I'm guessing the "obvious answer" is something along the lines of "be happy he has a job", and I am, I'm very grateful...

He does work long hours - he works from home every evening in addition to what he does in the office.

He is getting home about 6:30 and starts work again on his laptop from about 8 until 11, so he is getting about an hour and a half "off" every day...

I'm not asking he is home bang on 5 every night, not at all, he has done this job for 12 years and I know that.....all I'm saying that once in a very rare blue moon it would be really nice if he was home earlier than he seems to be home every night/////////

OP posts:
notinmypocket · 30/09/2010 16:43

Ragworth - I thought the same!
And then after reading the obvious 'is he having an affair'...
What happened.. I used to be so innocent and only have happy thoughts.

Maleeka · 30/09/2010 16:45

Hmmmm i'm just gonna keep my dark thoughts to myself!

Original poster
Bathsheba · 30/09/2010 16:46

Trust me, he isn't having an affair...

OP posts:
proudnglad · 30/09/2010 16:47

Ummm I think they are implying 'the obvious' is that he's playing away OP. There I've said it.

Hullygully · 30/09/2010 16:48

He is having sex with his computer. Nothing could be clearer. Get your hair done and see that saucy machine off.

BuntyPenfold · 30/09/2010 16:48

Yes, well, I thought my ex just wouldn't, but I was wrong.
I hope you are right, but just be aware. It is no fun finding out after the rest of the neighbourhood.

Feelingsensitive · 30/09/2010 16:49

I thought this thread was about sex Grin. I actually thought ' surely not every night.' Grin Grin

YANBU to be peed off with it. Show him this thread in few hours time when a few more people will tell you he's having an affair. Maybe it will make him buck his ideas up.

newwave · 30/09/2010 16:49

Is he getting paid for the overtime, if so :)
if not then :(

ShatnersBassoon · 30/09/2010 16:49

A computer programmer that needs to work every evening? That doesn't seem right.

Is he under a lot of pressure at work? Is the workload more than he can handle?

MmeLindt · 30/09/2010 16:49

He needs to sit down and sort out his priorities.

My DH was like this in his previous job. He would get home late then go up to his office and continue to work. Weekends were spent waiting for him to write one last email, one last thing to do.

He realised that it was just not good for him, for the family. It is not healthy.

Either he has too much work - then he has to figure out if he can pass some on to a colleague or get out of doing stuff.

Or he is bad at time management.

Is he the kind of person whose hand is always raised if they are looking for someone to do a job?

Original poster
Bathsheba · 30/09/2010 16:54

Thanks, trust me, he is definately not having an affair...

He is managing a project at the moment and a lot of things seems to be tweaking budgets, or getting virtual machines set up, or just answering a few questions, or training up some subcontractors...He is a perfectionist, and has Aspergers so he gets very obsessive about things - so I suspect some of the evening work is self inflicted (obsessive tweaking etc..that sounds a bit rude....)

Its beginning to affect thigns like after school activities and swimming lessons - I had a school curriculum evening last night that started at 7, I really wanted to go and he did get home in time to let me go, but it would have been nice if I had some confisdence that he'd have made it home....next week there is a parent's evening and I have to drop my 3 dds at a friends for my 5:30 appointment because he knows he won't be home for then......

Just things like that, and when the baby has been mumping all day with sore teeth, it would be nice just for once to have someone to pass her too a bit earier in the evening...

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 30/09/2010 16:57

Oh Bathsheba.
My adulterous ex was really a lifeboatman, excuses excuses.

proudnglad · 30/09/2010 17:00

Ummm putting aside affair/no affair...

I work late a couple of times a week, I don't get paid extra (I am the boss however) and my husband doesn't moan, thank God.

nancydrewrocked · 30/09/2010 17:00

If your DH has a job where he is paid a salary as opposed to an hourly rate then you are being totally unrealistic if you expect him to work his contracted hours. I can't think of a single person I know who gets to work 9-5.

So I understand the frustration but you need to stop expecting him home at 5:10 - Just not going to happen

Original poster
Bathsheba · 30/09/2010 17:02

I'm not expecting him home wevery night at that time, I'm really not....he is salaried and it a good company that he works for that is great for its employees...

I just wish that one day in a blue moon (literally, 1 time every couple of months) he'd be home at 5;15....not leaving early, not expecting anything special...jsut one evening to be home sharpish....

OP posts:
minipie · 30/09/2010 17:02

Have you said all this to him? Some men people just don't realise quite how long they are spending working.

If not, it's worth pointing it out to him and having a general discussion about how much he is working and whether you and he are really happy with this much of his life being swallowed up by work.

Assuming not, then the question is whether he can get his workload down by being less obsessive or delegating/saying no more, or whether he would need to change jobs...

(Is it possible he's spending time on the internet when he should be working? I know I do Smile)

newwave · 30/09/2010 17:03

Nancy, if he is working so much more than his contracted hours that is nothing but explotation, half hour here and there fair enough but that is taking the piss

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