Not EVERY Night...

[Bathsheba]

My DH has a good job. He works close to the house and walks there and back.

We are very very thankful that he has a job - he worked very hard for it and enjoys it.

But EVERY NIGHT "something" comes up that means he has to stay late....

Nothing major, he isn;t a brain surgeon or a lifeboatman, he is a computer programmer...

This weeks its "there was a conference and then I had to go and test a machine", or "well there was a bit of code that wouldn't work..."

I know how lucky we both are, but when I have 3 children and DD3 who is 8 months is teething, just 1 night I'd like the clock to tick to 5:15 (he should finish at 5 and we are about 10 mins walk from his work) and hear his key in the door...

Just 1 night every so often....

Just 1 evening when I'm not thinking "will I feed the girls or will we wait on him, because he likes to be here for family dinner but as I have no idea when he'll actually walk through the door..." or 1 evening when I don;t phone his desk phone at 6:15 to see if he is still there or if he is on his way home...

(He DOES go away abroad fairly often, so I am used to not having him come home at all - at least on those nights I know what is happening, I know we can eat when we like rather than wait for him etc....)

Next week its "Oh there is a training course all day every day and then after that I'll need to do bits around the office...." so no idea when he'll be home any of next week either...

Oh so do I minipie.

I do have to admit that my DH never ever comes home before 6pm. In fact, he rarely leaves the office before 6pm and has an hours commute so it is normally nearer 7 - 8pm.

If he is getting home at 6.30ish then that is not bad. What would annoy me is that he then works from 8pm till bedtime.

I think you need to shift your thinking and manage your expectations.

Why not just view it that his job finishes at 6pm not 5.15pm, no matter what it actually says in his contract. And be thankful he only works 10 minutes away.

I think you're being unreasonable.

if he's asperger's then you will need to spell it out for him - maybe you could get him a diary whch he must look at everyday, and if you need him home on time (or even at a particular time) on days when you need to be elsewhere, then you write it in his diary.

then he has no excuses.

I thought they meant that it doesn't sound like he wants to be home on time. "Bits around the office" do just sound like an excuse

I used to work in a related area, which involved a fair bit of programming.

The "well there was a bit of code that wouldn't work..." was exactly the kind of line I'd come up with. Because it's so often the case! And it's really, really hard to walk away once you get in the zone, as it were, and you're on a roll (mixed metaphors, but ykwim). And often there's a bit of code that does work, but you just know that you could get it to work even faster, or add a few useful bells and whistles with a minimal overhead. Which is immensely satisfying (if you pull it off).

Ummm, this isn't really helpful is it? I'm not trying to say that you should cut him some slack, just that I think it kind of comes with the job.

The one thing I can say though is that most times when I absolutely had to leave at x o'clock and abandon a tricky bit of work, I'd return to it the next day and get it sorted in minutes. A bit like when you're stuck on a crossword, go and make a cup of tea, return and the answer leaps out at you.

I think you are justified in being upset at this and you need to broach the matter of work/life balance with your dh. The chances are that his long hours are self inflicted to a large degree and not purely the result of necessity. It can be a hard habit to break but does need a concerted effort and reappraisal.

6.30 is really early. DH doesn't make it home until gone 8 most nights.

But he does have a longish commute.

I don't know about computer programming but in my job (CAMHS) becuaes of the deluge of referrals and emergencies I'm always here late. It's one of the reaosn I changed from 4 normal days to 3 long ones then at least my dh didn't expect me home before 6 and I was still getting paid for it.

TBH the honest answer for me is that he's avoiding the evening hell that is childcare/bathtime/tea etc. with 3 kids. After a long day at work it's the last thing you need and tbh sometimes I feel like avoiding it myself

blimey - my DH is in IT. He leaves the house at 6:30am for an hours commute. He is rarely home before 8:15. And works in the evenings.

it is the nature of the job - in fact, it is the nature of MOST jobs these day -very few organisations work 9-5.

I don't think it matters if people think that you should be grateful he has a job or that most people don't get home so early, the bottom line is he should give you a quick ring about 5pm to let you know whether to wait for him (if, as you say, he wants to have a family dinner) or just to eat without him. It's just courtesy really.

My dc are older but it has taken years for this message to sink in with dh. I am happy with whatever time he comes home but I do like to know when that will be and if it changes, to keep me informed, I won't be cross.

Agree hebe. There are two issues here: the fact he stays late, and the fact his DW doesn't know if he's going to stay late.

As regards the second, you could try this:

I tell my DH "Imagine I was a work colleague and you had a meeting with me at 8pm. If you were going to be late, you'd call and tell me, right? Well, you now have a meeting with me every day at 8pm..."

Of course, it doesn't always work, but at least he understands the point.

Am confused about " contracted hours" and "overtime".

Don't most f/t employees (who aren't admin staff) work 60+ hours a week and that's just the way it is? Most mums' partners at DS's school are gone 7am til 7pm nearly every day - mine is more of an 8am til 7pm kind of bloke.

I thought only the police got paid overtime these days.

Seriously, who on earth gets home at 5.15pm?

You will be suggesting he gets lunch hours as well next.

I am married to a workaholic, he is rarely home before 9pm so 5:15 would be a half day here.

DH is a nerdy nerdy mcnerdason, he works in IT and struggles to leave the computers.

I have been known to call him at 10pm and get 'What? It isn't 10 is it? I will just wrap up these emails/shut down...' only to have him get lost again.

I am fairly certain he isn't having an affair as he has been like this since before we got married.

However, I spend and enjoy the money so I am really not in a position to complain really.

Like most men with SAHM partners, he thinks what he does is 'work' and Important, and what you do is, well, er, woman stuff and not important. But I think the most important, immediate thing to fix is this idea of his that you will wait dinner for him no matter what time he gets in - tell him that if he doesn't call by 5 to say he is leaving, then you will count him out for dinner, and if he says he will be home but then doesn't appear, his dinner will be in the fridge for him to reheat as you and the DC will eat when you want .

I think you need to be absolutely clear with him that you would like him to be at home at 5.15pm one night a week. Before I had kids I would usually work until at least 6-6.30 even though I was only paid until 5pm.

Also if you have to be somewhere at 5.30, I think you should tell him you need him to come home on time that evening because you're doing X.

The other thing is that you should manage your expectations better - if he doesn't usually get home until 6.30, then that's when you expect him, not at 5.15 if he hardly ever comes home by then. If he turns up at 5.45 and you're already eating and he's upset, then just say 'we weren't expecting you earlier, sorry' and smile. That's entirely fair enough.

agree with hebe
if your DH is running late, a quick text wouldn't go amiss, so your evening can be planned accordingly. My DH is often late: sometimes due to horrific work pressures, and sometimes due to faffing and crap time management. Either way I expect an update. I work as well, and can always find time to text if running late when on-call.

i think you could maybe just accept it, i reckon it's quite hard to switch off if you're really in to a job (such as programming) dp is never in until 9.30 every night and i just get used to it to be honest it;s sometimes easier to get kids sorted out without him over exciting them

You need to adjust your way of thinking. You think he finishes at 5 - he doesn't, he finishes at about 6.30. If you see it like that, you'll be OK. Then if he arrives home at 5.15, it's a bonus.

It's a shame he likes to eat with his family - it's a shame he doesn't get home in time to do it, so tough luck to him! Feed the children and bath them before he comes home. Eat with him when he gets in.

He is not having an adulterous affair, he is just a typical computer programmer, once he gets absorbed in sometihng it is his baby and he doesn't even notice the time going by.

Be thankful he is in a job he enjoys, but speak to him about his priorities and what you need from him as a husband, come to some compromise, where he is home by 5:30 two nights a week, and he texts you to give you a time he will be home so you can prepare dinner (or not).

It's not fair on you to insist he always comes home at 5:15, but equally he needs to give you a little more respect with regard to letting you know his movements.

It depends on the level he's working at, and put bluntly, how much he's getting paid. His contract might be until 5pm - but if he's over a certain level of seniority/wage, he's expected to put the hours in. Getting out the office before 6pm is considered good for most well paid roles, but if he's pretty junior, then it's not on.

I would say you'll be eating at X time every night from now on, you'll expect him not be eat with you unless he texts to say he's going ot be home.

Unfortunately I agree with the posters saying no one works their contracted hours any more. DP's contracted hours are 9-6 with a long commute on top

In reality he very rarely leaves work before 7 (it's nice when he does though) In the beginning he was leaving on time etc but they threatened to fire him because he was 'lacking in enthusiasm' FFS we had a newborn and we were knackered. He had to start pulling the extra hours.

So basically we're lucky if he gets home at 8pm. Most often he's home 8.30-9ish. And on bad days it's after 10pm that he gets back. He always calls me when he leaves the office though, and when he gets on the train so I know roughly what time he'll be home (unless there's problems with the train but that's best kept for another thread!)

Just to add - I was also expecting this to be about sex.

I agree with atswimtwolengths.

Try to change your way of thinking. After all, you cannot change him.

Good luck, especially with the teething!