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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not EVERY Night...

79 replies

Bathsheba · 30/09/2010 16:22

My DH has a good job. He works close to the house and walks there and back.

We are very very thankful that he has a job - he worked very hard for it and enjoys it.

But EVERY NIGHT "something" comes up that means he has to stay late....

Nothing major, he isn;t a brain surgeon or a lifeboatman, he is a computer programmer...

This weeks its "there was a conference and then I had to go and test a machine", or "well there was a bit of code that wouldn't work..."

I know how lucky we both are, but when I have 3 children and DD3 who is 8 months is teething, just 1 night I'd like the clock to tick to 5:15 (he should finish at 5 and we are about 10 mins walk from his work) and hear his key in the door...

Just 1 night every so often....

Just 1 evening when I'm not thinking "will I feed the girls or will we wait on him, because he likes to be here for family dinner but as I have no idea when he'll actually walk through the door..." or 1 evening when I don;t phone his desk phone at 6:15 to see if he is still there or if he is on his way home...

(He DOES go away abroad fairly often, so I am used to not having him come home at all - at least on those nights I know what is happening, I know we can eat when we like rather than wait for him etc....)

Next week its "Oh there is a training course all day every day and then after that I'll need to do bits around the office...." so no idea when he'll be home any of next week either...

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 30/09/2010 17:59

Warning for approaching statement of blooming obvious....

He is delaying coming home to get out of doing his daddy bit....

Exhibit one: I have 3 children and DD3 who is 8 months is teething.

megapixels · 30/09/2010 18:06

Wellll, it is possible that he really is very busy at work. My dh isn't a progammer but he is in the IT industry too, and his work pretty much never stops. He works from home and only stops when he goes to sleep. If he stops at 6 o'clock or so like most normal people he is bogged down with responding to emails the next day (multinational company with offices in different time zones) so prefers to work all day. He does a lot of foreign travel too so somtimes gets very little sleep. He is very well paid though, I hope yours is too, or it seems so not worth it as you sound so tired. Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? Maybe he hasn't realised how hard it is for you.

Mishy1234 · 30/09/2010 18:06

I agree with those who have suggested having one night a week (what about friday?) when he's home at 5:15 and doesn't do anything in the evening (as long as there's no emergency).

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/09/2010 18:06

Good theory, but he likes to eat dinner en famille, Hissy.

atmywitssend · 30/09/2010 18:12

For many many people, being home by 6.30 would be a really early night! He has a job, he enjoys it and (compared to many/most) he's home early.

LisaD1 · 30/09/2010 18:19

My DH is also a programmer (or Software Developer as he likes to correct me!!), some times they just have to get the job done, he is never home before 7.30pm and last week their entire site crashed (turns out his boss forgot a bit of code before going on holiday!) and my DH was working into the small hours for 2 days solid (and he was definitely working as he was doing it from home remotely!).

Can't you sit your DH down and speak to him? See if there is a problem or if there's an end in sight to this project? Could he log in remotely once the DC are in bed and sort a few bits out?

Morloth · 30/09/2010 18:20

Just choose a dinner time and go with it.

IUsedToBeFab · 30/09/2010 18:24

YANBU and I hear what you are saying. I would tell mine I don't mind if he is late home, what I mind is him ringing at the time I am expecting him home to say he is still at work. It takes him 35-50 minutes to get home though. Tonight he came in just after 6 and to me it feels like he is home early.

ANother one who thought it was about sex!

EdgarAllInPink · 30/09/2010 18:24

my dad always worked late as a SAP.

once, when he arrived only 2 mins late, then mum asked if he had stopped to satisfy his mistress...

glad to see someone else uses the word 'mump' as a verb.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/09/2010 18:25

I second that, Morloth.

How old are the girls? To my mind, a lot of people have their dinner bafflingly early.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/09/2010 18:26

By which I mean a later dinner time might make it easier for him not to be late for dinner, iyswim.

QueenofDreams · 30/09/2010 18:28

oh and ds has dinner bath and bed before DP gets home every night. I wait till he gets home and have dinner with him.

What irritates me is my sister lecturing me about how DP should have an equal share in night wakings like her DH does. Difference is her H is home by 4.30 every afternoon! So he goes to bed early so that he can help at nights. DP doesn't have that option. Bugs me BIL is paid DOUBLE what DP is and works less hours

Horton · 30/09/2010 18:34

If I were you, I'd do what Morloth says and choose a dinner time that suits you and your children and let him look after himself or leave stuff for him to heat up. It must be lovely to have a partner who gets home as early as yours. Mine isn't back until gone 11 most nights.

nancydrewrocked · 30/09/2010 20:28

newwave it may be "exploitation" but frankly that is how life is in the real world.

domeafavour · 30/09/2010 20:32

My dh leaves at 5am and regularly stays in work til 7/8/9pm. And then an hours commute. Seriously, count your blessings. I think he is in a tiny minority of people who a) live 10 minutes from home and b) gets to see his kids most nights even if it's not quite suited to your routine.

jamaisjedors · 30/09/2010 20:39

I can see where you are coming from, I am so happy now that DH gets the train home and so arrives at dead on 5.10pm or 5.45pm etc.

It is very frustrating sitting around wondering when he will be home.

On the other hand, I have to admit to doing what your DH does when I have no urgent reason to get home (when DH does the pick-up from the childminder).

I always mean to leave at 5/5.30 but there are always "bits to do in the office" unless you have a set time to aim for to be home.

Also when it is DH's turn to sort out the DSs I have to say I am NOT in a mad rush to get home !

I would try and set some "groundrules" - I like the suggestion of Friday night as an early night which is non-negotiable.

Good luck with that.

spler · 30/09/2010 20:58

Thought this was about sex.
Feeling guilty about being a public servant as I NEVER do unpaid overtime. Some of these jobs sound awful. I feel really sheltered. Overtime is always paid at my place & days/shifts are never over 8 hours.

Pay is shite tho'

Heracles · 01/10/2010 03:00

When he gates home, are his discs floppy? Hmm? Is he lacking hard drive in the bedroom? Eh? Eh? Do you suspect he's booting up his hardware elsewhere? Y'see? Hardware?

His boss is probably just a cunt; why not ask him why he's always late?

Mindovermatter · 01/10/2010 10:47

What happens at bank holidays, weekends, and Christmas time? Surely he doesn't work then?

When I read your post I thought you might as well be a single parent!

Leveller1 · 01/10/2010 11:09

He should work to live not live to work, being serious obsessive myself, it is tricky to just stop, ever. But IMO you have a touch there, most don't get home til 7 or 8 EVERY day without fail thanks to the dreary commute.

The fact that he has the opportunity once in a while to be home at 5.15 is a true boon, he should do so far more often, especially if whatever he is working on is only going to get worked on later in the evening in office upstairs etc. with extra 'tweaking'.

BTW people suspicious of affairs tend to be the suspicious types IMO.

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/10/2010 18:18

No, you can't be delaying the DC dinner to wait for him... 3 hungry mouths, mummy pacing the floor?? that's hell on earth.

Tea for the DC needs to be at 5.30 or so bed at 6/6.30 ish if he's home, he's home.

If he is so intent to be en famille he can take the DC down for breakfast and let you have a lie in at the weekend....

You dancing around to his tune is letting him set the DC routine, and you can't have that. If he wants to come home on time, he soon will do.

IMoveTheStars · 03/10/2010 18:23

Bathsheba - I sympathise. There is always something that needs doing, DP is almost never home on time. It's part of his personality and he loves his work. I'm not too bothered anymore.. I figured out that the problem was that he never let me know when he was going to be late, not the fact that he was late. He now texts/calls if he's on a later train or is stuck in the office and it's absolutely fine.

Bit at the early suggestions that he's cheating on you though.

IMoveTheStars · 03/10/2010 18:27

Agree with what some posters say though - sounds like he might be shirking hell that is the dinner/bath/bed routine.

IMoveTheStars · 03/10/2010 23:00

"When I read your post I thought you might as well be a single parent!"

Ha.. try a DP who's on call every other week, works 100 hour weeks, often has to work evenings and has a 2.5 hour commute.

If I dared complain that I felt like a single parent on MN i'd be lynched!

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/10/2010 23:18

"he might be shirking hell that is the dinner/bath/bed routine."

So many people that have negative views, when they have no idea of what the profession entails.

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