to have concerns about her attendence at harvest festival

[Quadrophenia]

please try and bare with me, this is a long winded story and i am in desperate need of some objectivity. My childrens dad was abusive throughout our ten year relationship, I finally made the break two years ago but as he hadn't been abusive towards my children i continued to support a relationship between them. He was also a gambler and a serious cocaine abuser, why I stayed with him for so long i really don't know. He has been in a relationship for well over a year now and I have posted on here sporadically about my issues with it...i could go into them now but i really don't want the point to get lost in a string of accusations so will stick to my current concern. In february i got a phone call from my ex to say that he was in custody charged with assualt and battery against his gf and that he wouldn't be at football. Consequently for until june as they decided to stay together i would not let the children stay with him over night. I eventually found out he was convicted and is now on two years probation. I experienced really big problems with my children in that they see no wrong in their dad which i recognise given his behaviour is unhealthy in itself. After reassurances from both in june i started letting them stay over again as my ex informed me he had been on an anger management course....if i'm really honest i was working fulltime, struggling myself a bit and in desperate need of a break. My children were giving me a hard time and i conceded and he resumed over night contact. on the night of the world cup final i got a hysterical phone call from my child saying that he and she were fighting and that she had thrown a cup of tea over him. I demanded he brought the children home having been reassured he hadn't been drinking, he turned up at 1030 with my sobbing children, out of his face on drugs which i threw down the toilet in a car that wasn't taxed or moted. I let him stay over that night as i was concerned for him if he left and the children wanted to know he was safe, i spent the whole night up worrying about repurcussions. At this point i told him if they got back together i would not be able to allow them to see the children together, as he had broke his probabtion i encouraged him to speak to hsi probation officer, I was very cocnerned and still am that my children will lose their dad to jail. To try and cut a long story short they have stayed together, although he has moved out temporarily so he can have his children, recently however he has been blaming me for ruining his loife and telling him waht to do and today decided to take his girl friend to harvest festival, the first time they have seen her since the violent episode...I have had enough of trying to forge a healthy relationship, am i right to be upset? what woudl you do?

i must apologise it doesn't make sense in some places...what i meant to add was that i was conatcted my social services following him talking to his probation officer. Who stated that at this point they were happy with the decisions i had made. He thinks this is fabrication and that i am trying to dictate his life, I am absolutely gutted that my children are even on this radar.

He has taken his girlfriend to a harvest festival? Did he take the children as well? Confused, sorry.

So is it like a little play your kids put on? Do you have a restraining order? If you did he wouldn't be able to attend

couldn't you at least use a few paragraphs?

ok sorry the childrens school harvest festival. They haven't seen her or had anything to do with her since they saw her throw tea at their dad, I'm upset that he thought it was appropriate to put them in this position, I don't understand why she needed to be there.

I wouldn't let anyone on drugs near my DD and as for violence - no way! The only way DH would have any access in those circumstances would be in an access centre with full supervision.

Hope that helps.

mothergaga i have apologised and recognised that i haven't expressed myself completely clearly, your comment is therefore really unecessary

oh gawd Quad - I have no advise but so sorry you're still having hell from him and he's being so utterly shite

('tis FAQ/QoQ etc etc etC)

thanks, I really am at the end of my tether!!! I hope everything has settled down with you :)

yes - we all seem to be back on track now, I'm suffering from very few "long term" effects of the incident last year, exH is much improved in his MH (working again, having the boys again overnight, and regularly).

Think I am actually on the way up now.

oh i am so pleased to hear things are back on track for you and the boys xx

Quadrophenia - you seem to have had your fair share of worries so I think you deserve to give yourself a break and not worry about the harvest festival thing.

I worry about his judgement as a parent, i just feel it was totally inappropriate to bring her along, considering that the last time they saw her she was violent towards him..and he to her. I don't want my children being brought up thinking its an appropriate way to deal with situations and i have absoluetly zero faith that it won't happen again. Of course i don't think they would have had a full on fight in the middle of the harvest festival but my children are aware that they haven't seen her and it was not fair to put them in that position whilst they were performing.At this point I haven't sought any kind of legal advice but I really think I have to and its with a real heavy heart.

I think you have done everything you can to support the relationship between your children and their dad, but in your position, I would not allow him to be around the children unless access was supervised.

They are not safe in his care. He drinks, takes drugs and drives them around in a car which shouldn't be on the road (whilst under the influence of drugs). He is not responsible and as much as your children love their dad, they need you to look out for their safety.

I would make arrangements for him to see them at an access centre. In the mean time I would not let him have them at all. His gf going to the harvest festival is the least of your worries tbh.

I think todays situation was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. But yes you are right there are so many issues, he tries to claim that since his probabtion he has sorted them all out, i just wish i could believe him. He telephoned me from the break of his anger management class while I was at work and the torrent of abuse was so strong thta my work colleagues were able to hear and were totally shocked. I need to get help i can;t do it on my own, i'm so so tired of being strong.

I think you have tried really hard to do the right thing by everyone, but all this isn't fair on you and it's time to get some help with your ex. You really shouldn't have to put up with abusive phone calls from him. I think it would be better for you to not have direct contact at all - get him to see your children with a 3rd party present, at an access centre. I don't think you should talk to him at all, if that is possible.

Don't feel you have to be responsible for him - he chooses to live the way he does and you will not be able to stop him from taking drugs etc. All you can do is take care of your children. Everything you've said indicates that he is not ready to change, perhaps he never will be. You can't live like this forever. Please get some help with the access situation, so you can distance yourself from him. You don't have to deal with it all alone.

I'm sorry for all your troubles

he will forever see that anything i do it to get at him, rather than in the best interests of my children. Every conversation I have with him leaves me feeling stressed and upset...you are right, no contact would be sadly alot better for all. Thank you for your advice, he tells me i am over reacting and then i worry that my actions are influenced by emotion, but the only real emotion is exasperation. I will get some help.

It sounds like you're furious with her for being there... but you're excusing an awful lot more unacceptable behaviour from him.

I am furious with him for thinking it was a good idea..not her as such...given what they put my children through that night...but yes you are right unfortunately

I think he was being completely out of order!
He has no right to go against your wishes, especially as i think you have been so reasonable. I personally would have called the police the night he showed up with the children.

I hope he grows up, perhaps if you sit him and her down and talk about why you are against them having contact with the children together, the relationship is obviously toxic.

Ps i would not allow him to have the children over night after he has been taking coke in their presence!

What he feels or thinks is no longer your concern, luckily. Your only priority is your DC, who need to be protected from their Dad. If he cant see that driving them home while on drugs, in a car thats not taxed or insured is completely out of order, he's hardly likely to understand why you wouldnt want his GF at your kids harvest festival. However, you know both of these things were wrong for your DC, so you need to take steps to protect them from now on.

Get yourself a solicitor asap, and try to arrange Contact Centre only until he passes a drugs test. I cant really see that any judge would disagree with this, after his previous behaviour with the children. This step is for both your DC and yourself. If anything happens to them in his care, you will always feel responsible. Good luck.

MotherGaGa - if you cant read it without the paragraphs then dont comment, and if you can, then comment with something helpful to the OP.

I think my judgement has been incredibly impaired by my children's unfaltering adoration of their dad.. That night for example I should have called the police but as he was on probation and had clearly committed a number offences i did not want to risk his freedom.It was silly of me to protect him but it was out of a misguided need to protect my children from what he really is. This is far far far from what i want from my children, i do everything they can to provide them with stability, love and have wonderful family who support me but I simply have no choice anymore. I think a contact centre is the most sensible option, I hate the thought of my children meeting their dad in such a place but i can't trust him and struggle everytime they go to him.

I agree with everyone else (including MoGaga, it was really hard to read, so you might get more replies if you do use paragraphs in future).

He isn't your priority, your children are.

He is dangerous, not just when she is around, but the rest of the time too.

Harvest Festival is neither here nor there, really. Your children aren't safe with this man, so he should only be seeing them supervised by a responsible adult, whether that be you, a relative or a professional. He certainly shouldn't have them over night or in the car.

The children might not like that, and might blame you for that, but their safety is paramount.

This man really doesn't need your sympathy, but your help, I'm sure, he is grateful for.

Keep his probation officer and social services in the loop, that is absolutely the right thing to do.

How old are the children? Do they know the whole story?

I hope this sorts itself out, you sound like you could do with a rest from this selfish man. :)

I recognise it was difficult to read, I was writing it in a hurry and felt more than a little emotive!!!

He is not grateful for any help or support I have shown him, he thinks I try and control his life.

The children are 10, 9 and 7, they are aware of what happened that evening, but i have tried to protect them as much as possible from the bigger picture which has become increasingly difficult. Fortunately they are very well balanced children, i have been very transparent with school and have received support from them, although in the main when i asked for extra emotional support they felt the children did not display any behaviours that warranted it.

Oh no, i was not criticising you, its easy for me to say, i am completely removed from the situation. I completely understand what you did and why you did it. I feel for your kids, seems like dad is flavour of the month as he is not the one there everyday.
i agree contact centre would be a great idea.