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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think ex-husband is an arse for suggested our kids "live" with him during the week & me at weekends just because I am having twins soon?

36 replies

mrsstathamiwish · 29/09/2010 13:58

Had an email from the ex-husband and along with usual stuff such as discussing kids homework, diet and particular dates for weekends etc, he signs off with a suggestion that seeing as I am going to have my hands full how would i feel about our two children being with him during the week and and me at weekends? The opposite to what we do now, although at present he doesn't do bad as he has them 2/3 weekends a month and one night overnight every week, which I am well aware is more than most dads get?

So AIBU to be upset at his suggestion? I have emailed straight back saying no way, as i think this be would even more disrupting for our kids than me having two new babies in the house and although yes i will be busy, my priorities are not changing at all?

Just interested to see other peoples thoughts really. My ds is 11 and dd 8 and twins are due in Feb by the way...

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 29/09/2010 14:00

Not sure why he is an 'arse' for making the suggestion tbh. What's wrong with it? I can see why you'd say no, absolutely but I can't see what's so offensive about him making the suggestion in the first place.

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2010 14:01

Well a lot of it depends on the back story! TBH from the facts you've given it sounds like he means well (and wants to spend more time with his children) but hasn't really thought it through. As you say what message would that send to your older children.
But I appreciate there may be more to it than this!

Colourful · 29/09/2010 14:01

I'm probably being really stupid but is there any chance was he just trying to be helpful?

BooBooGlass · 29/09/2010 14:01

I think tbh he was trying to be helpful, though in a tactless way. He probably sees it as the perfect oportunity to see more of his children, at a time when they will naturally (through no fault of your own) be getting less attention at home.
You have hte best itentions, but your priorities will change when your twins are born, and so they should. Of all your children, they will be soleley dependent on you. Your older dc less so.

Curlybrunette · 29/09/2010 14:03

Could it be he wants weekends off? Maybe a cynical view. In some ways it'll be easier for you to have the kids during the week and not at weekends cos at least they will be at school during the day so you can concentrate on the twins.

Ir is he aiming for full custody so is edging them off you bit by bit.

YANBU to be upset with this suggestion, tell him to sod off, you want your kids!

x

MollysChambers · 29/09/2010 14:03

At 11 and 8 they will be fairly independant and able to do things to help I would have thought. Different perhaps if they were very young. I'm sure they'll want to spend time with the babies and may be a bit hurt at the suggestion that they clear off to their dads. Yes politely decline at the moment. Take it as him trying to be helpful and leave it at that.

loubielou31 · 29/09/2010 14:05

My feeling would be that you wouldn't want to change anything too drastically around the time of a birth bacause your older children might feel they are being pushed out to make room for the new babies. I suspect that the arrival of a new sibling is a bit of a difficult time for every child however much they love the new arrival. Your children might see them spending more time at their dads as you getting rid of them because the twins are more important, which of course is not the case.

flowerybeanbag · 29/09/2010 14:05

By Curlybrunette Wed 29-Sep-10 14:03:19

"tell him to sod off"

Why? OP is not at all unreasonable to decline the suggestion politely but why should he be told to 'sod off' for asking in the first place?

Balsam · 29/09/2010 14:05

Not sure it's advisable to send the older kids off when new ones arrive - sends the wrong message. You could say that to him.

Maybe he genuinely thought he was being helpful - give him the benefit of the doubt..?

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 29/09/2010 14:06

Agree that it was probably just a helpful suggestion

Original poster
mrsstathamiwish · 29/09/2010 14:07

Ok hadn't thought like that, I suppose its because you tend to think majority of kids live with mum and see dad at weekends although i know what works for one family doesn't work for another and he already has our kids about 50% of the time. I think it was just his tone, almost implying I wouldn't be able to cope with twins and two older children in the week?

Maybe its just my hormones making me think a bit crazy at the mo Hmm

OP posts:
Colourful · 29/09/2010 14:10

How about saying "thanks for the offer but let's keep things as they are for now and keep the situation under review once the twins are born"....

MollysChambers · 29/09/2010 14:13

New babies are hard work. It may be that an extra night or two at dads will be helpful if they are disturbing the older kids sleep. I would tell him that you'll keep his offer in mind but make it clear that there will be no long term changes to the current situation.

Original poster
mrsstathamiwish · 29/09/2010 14:13

Well there is a lot of negative history between us and my immediate thought was yes he's trying to take my kids away from me. Can see how it may come accross as helpful but as most of you have said my older kids may feel like they are being pushed away at a time when i want them to feel more wanted than ever. Like I said I have declined saying its in kids best interest to have things as normal as possible.

OP posts:
maryz · 29/09/2010 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throckenholt · 29/09/2010 14:15

i think it is worth considering - or at least for some weeks - maybe talk to the kids and see what they think about it.

It is tough having new born twins around - don't dismiss his suggestion out of hand - but agree up front that it is not a prelude to a permanent change - just a short term option what might make life more comfortable for everyone for a while.

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2010 14:15

that's the thing OP - you're in a better position to judge than any of us. He could have been saying it in a nasty, controlling or undermining way. but on the surface it seems reasonable and helpful!

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2010 14:19

Why not just say to your DCs that the offer is there, if when the babies arrive they want a bit of peace and quiet?

slhilly · 29/09/2010 14:20

This:
"he doesn't do bad as he has them 2/3 weekends a month and one night overnight every week"
is not the same as this:
"he already has our kids about 50% of the time"

What's best for the kids? If they're 8 and 11, is it worth asking them?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/09/2010 14:20

I agree with Colourful. Don't burn the bridge if he was trying to be helpful. Maybe it might be useful for him to have the older DCs for an additional day/night occasionally. I guess it depends on your relationship with him and his intentions.

Original poster
mrsstathamiwish · 29/09/2010 14:22

maryz - we have discussed already that some flexibility will be needed at the time and this has been discussed with the children, and swapping a few weekends around depending on when twins are born and how long i will be in hospital for has been agreed by both of us. I think I just always feel that he is trying to take them away from me when he already has them 50% of the time, although I can apreciate that he is just like any dad who loves their kids to bits and naturally wants to spend more time with them.

Like I said, think I was just initially shocked at his suggestion and it was the implication that I will need a break from my two older children.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsstathamiwish · 29/09/2010 14:31

slhilly - an average month is 3 weekends a months (picking up from school on a friday and back to me sunday evenings) plus overnight one day every week after school and we share school holidays equally so we get an equal amount of time with them. He only does 2 weekends a month if say he has just had them for two weeks straight in the sumer holidays and if he is not having them a weekend, he has them 2 nigthts midweek instead of one. If I was to put it all down and add it all up, it would be 50% of the time as I have worked out nights before for CSA reasons.

Ok I have accepted that he wasn't being an arse for suggesting it and that i am probably over reacting slightly, i don't just want to come and post on here to slag off my exh (although temptation is overwhelming at times as he can be a twat but thats a different story) i just thought it might help me get some perspective on his point of view!

OP posts:
slhilly · 29/09/2010 14:47

as he is then having them 50% of the time, I think it's worth your while genuinely considering whether you would all benefit from shuffling the days somehow -- not increasing the total time he spends with them, but making the arrangement work as best as poss under the new circs. it could be what you have now is the best poss, it could be what he suggests, it could be some other arrangement. worth thinking about anyway?

Original poster
mrsstathamiwish · 29/09/2010 14:55

I agree some other arrangements could work better and as long as neither of us gets any more or any less time with children then it would be worth considering i just feel that it has taken a while for dc to adjust to whole divorce/moving house/mum has new partner/dad has new partner etc anyway. We are 3 years down the line and thought things were getting better exh had a new baby earlier this year so dc have had a lot to go through, although they have coped amazingly well at times not sure swapping current arrangements around would go down too well?

Thanks for all suggestions/responses though,

OP posts:
throckenholt · 29/09/2010 15:00

talk to your kids - they are old enough to have an opinion. Say you both love them and want to have them with you as much as possible - but obviously that isn't possible with 2 separate households. Involve them in working out what is best - and agree that it is likely to evolve over time.

And it may be an option for them sometimes to go on their own - rather than as a pair - they way they may get a little bit more one-to-one time with a parent.

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