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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in laws and 'proprietary' behaviour - talk to me

112 replies

LetThemEatCake · 26/09/2010 23:19

I wonder just how unreasonable I am to dislike what I perceive to be proprietary/ possessive behaviour from my in-laws towards my dc

so tell me your tales of in-law woe and I will be better able to gauge not just how bad/ not bad they are but also how out of order I am for getting annoyed!!

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 28/09/2010 16:58

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AbsofCroissant · 28/09/2010 17:22

Shock at some of these MILs.

Did you know they were so barking before, or did they go crazy once DGCs started coming along?

DP's parents are mostly normal. I think.

puddlepuss · 28/09/2010 17:44

I was warned MIL was loopy from the word go - luckilly dh doesn't take after her.

She's coming out to stay with us for a week at the end of October....i'm thinkin gof pulling my eyeballs out and blocking my ears with them.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 28/09/2010 18:06

Ds's father left just before I gave birth and has never been around for him. His mother used to ask to take ds to visit her family so she could show him off Hmm
She went into his primary school during the day and complained to the head that I didn't give them any information about how ds was doing at school because I was jealous as he had just got married, she then asked for a copy of his school reports (the head told her to sod off).
She's permanently moaning at me about the school that I send ds to, after four years of her moaning constantly every time I spoke to her ('why don't you send him to xxx? They teach Latin there/he'll do very well/why are you sending him to YYY? XXX is a very good school) I caved in and moved him to XXX. I pulled him out after a term and a half as it was crap. Then she turned and asked why I'd sent him there. Hmm She's now doing it again! He's been in secondary school for 3 weeks, she called last week to see how he was and spent 45 minutes telling me about the local state school, how good it was and why don't I move him there despite the fact that he gained a place at one of the top schools in the UK. ARGH!!

Some of yours sound far worse.

ndavy · 28/09/2010 19:46

Oh my god, some of these women sound like they are seriously disturbed. I am usually irritated by my MIL, I'd say 50% of the time rationally and 50% irrationally!

Other day DS was due a nap. She said he clearly wasn't tired. I ignored her and took him to his room whispering "please go to sleep...I'll give you a £1000 if you go to sleep to prove that mummy is right!". And he did. Love him.

Very minor issue but quite often get the feeling she is trying to show how well she knows him. Perhaps I could do more to include her but she just irritates the hell out of me!

DetectivePotato · 28/09/2010 20:02

ndavy have you given him £1000 then? Wink

Puddle I would not have anyone near me who had lifted my top to look at my bump!!!! Shock Wouldn't be going to her house again ever.

DetectivePotato · 28/09/2010 20:03

belle there are not that many that are worse! Going into the school and demanding the school reports! WTF!

ndavy · 28/09/2010 20:12

Detective - given he refuses to "understand" that he can't lick the TV and that he shouldn't bite my neck (he's only 10 months old, but still!) I can only assume he has no recollection of our conversation! Wink

Gay40 · 28/09/2010 20:12

Reader, I married an orphan. I can highly recommend it.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 28/09/2010 20:26

I know. She said she went in to drop some fossils off and she thought she'd ask Hmm She denied that she'd said I was jealous of the twonk getting married. Hmm Grrr!

Jen44 · 28/09/2010 21:38

Puddlepuss Shock

AbsofCroissant - my MIL thought I was amazing til DS came along. To be honest she still thought I was lovely, but I took a dislike to things she said and did, which resulted in a massive row, 5 months after his birth.

To mention just a few things she said 'I just want to watch you bfeed', she expressed a wish that she wanted to be able to bfeed him herself and constantly called DS 'my baby'. Like others have said before many things I could mention just make me sound petty but altogether make visits very fraught.

MIL sent a vile email to my DH slating me and there followed a difficult 2 1/2 years. I returned to work when DS was 9 months old and within a month was signed off work for 3 months , couldn't cope with the hatred aimed at me. Visiting was limited to hourly visits, fortnightly and no more. DH was not to take DS to visit without me and she has never had DS on her own and never will. DH and I had marriage counselling last year to resolve issues around her as she wouldn't entertain counselling. Really helped him see what she was doing. Finally this summer she agreed to family counselling with FIL and DH in attendance. Unknown to MIL counsellor diagnosed MIL as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. explains a lot but doesn't change the fact that she is a difficult customer and I will always be weary of her.

thesecondcoming · 28/09/2010 22:26

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Portofino · 28/09/2010 22:38

Blimey I often feel sad that dd is a bit lacking on the Grandma front, but reading these posts I feel positively fortunate!

PeggyKilroy · 03/09/2011 20:10

FWIW - My husband and I had marital probs soon after our son was born, probably caused by traumatic birth, redundancy, DH stressful job, a house partly rennovated - Oh and sleepless nights of course. We had a trial seperation which immediate family and close friends supported - except the IL's. They went on a weird bender contacting my husband the day before we went to Relate to discuss 'access' to their Grandson. They also sent my parents a text message saying after all their financial kindness I'd hurt their feelings (funnily I thought I was married to my DH not them?) After that they went about keeping a record of every time they saw my son, and where. They indirectly pressured us to see them every week even though we were having marital difficulties and needed some privacy. In recent months they've taken to rather forcibly coming round and insisting we see them and when they do see us - going beserk with the camera to take 'photographic evidence' of having spent time with my son. I recently asked them not to, went out the room and the MIL took the photo anyway. On one occassion when we missed one of these unofficial regular 'check-in's they sent an emotionally blackmailing letter through the post addressed directly to my DH with photos of my son posing with each Grandparent to remind us that they were missing him and that he was also part of 'their' family???!! Photos they'd taken when we'd entrusted him in their care (somewhat of a violation of our son to use the photos against us to emotionally blackmail us when we 'missed' a perceived regular appointment to see them). On another occassion they called my DH and tore him off a strip for going away for a weekend and not making contact with them first. Once I started to resist seeing them and preventing them from gathering evidence that they were seeing my son (as I thought they were a pair of weirdos, they started to text me every week. When I asked them not to, they continued in the form of a 'thank you' text after each occassion they saw my son and I - these messages were never sent to my DH only to me. The last time I went round there, they'd blown up a whole load of photos of my son and plastered them all round the house - more than the other grandchild (who they see every 4-6 weeks?!). There were also photos of every other family member but none of me. When I inquired they told me 'under the current circumstances they didn't think it was appropriate'..... I believe I AM still their DIL and I AM still married to their son and we ARE still trying to work the marriage out? They've also now set up a bedroom in their house for my son which I believe they will use to prove to the authorities is an acceptable place for my son to stay while in their custody (which they are so diligently gathering evidence for). I should by the way add that, through out all our marital problems my husband and I have remained resolutely committed to trying to solve the problem. My Inlaws on the other hand have spent the last year doing all kinds of passive aggressive acts towards me (difficult to prove and make me sound like a maniac and paranoid) to boot me out of the family. My non-academic comment on all of the above is that my inlaws are complete nutters and should never be trusted. They're trying very hard to boot me out of my marriage and keep a hold of my son. My DH on the other hand is terrified of them. In a recent episode when I politely suggested a 'check-in' with the IL's wasn't convenient he threatened to kill himself.....

Oakmaiden · 03/09/2011 20:31

Peggy - that sounds like a complete nightmare. Has anyone told them that actually grandparents have no rights to their grandchildren, and that if they want to build a positive relationship with their grandson they should start trying to befriend his parents?

LindyHemming · 03/09/2011 20:40

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TeddyRuxpin · 03/09/2011 20:54

Some of these MILs sound horrendous and I don't know how you cope with them at all!
My gripes with my MIL are much tamer, insisting DD would need solids before 4 months as she was a 'big girl' (she wasn't), always taking DD out of my arms as soon as I arrived on her house and not handing her back even if she was screaming the place down (MIL loves the sound of babies crying apparently), if DD needed a feed ( I was BF) MIL would claim she fed too much but if I had a bottle of EBM with me, MIL would insist she needed it and she would be the one to feed her. Oh and I wasn't to listen to anything the HVs said because 'they haven't got children' Confused
Shed constantly call DD 'daddy's girl' and say DD cried when other people held her as "she only sees you" - as if it was absurd that a baby should spend most of the time with it's mother.
She's a lot less pushy now DD is older but still suggests every so often that I go back to work and she could care for DD...
I do get on with her well generally, and she is a lovely woman. I think most MIL seem to go a bit crazy with new GC and I was probably suffering from PFB syndrome a bit too.
I do get a bit of evil pleasure now DD is toddling and shows practically no interest in MIL at all.

TeddyRuxpin · 03/09/2011 20:55

Bloody hell, that post was long.
I didn't realise MIL had done so many irritating things!

bruffin · 03/09/2011 21:00

This thread is a year old

MmmmmCake · 03/09/2011 21:03

some of these i am thinking the daughters in law are more deranged than the poor mums in law LOL

magicmelons · 03/09/2011 21:08

NOt ILs but my DM

Always wanting to be the one to carry baby in the sling, i find this quite a personel thing but no biggy, when she does it people always assumes she is there mum, not big age gap between us.

Calls herself mum to them all the time.

Refused to call DD by the name i gave her but instead gave her one she preferred. Co slept with them when i asked her not to.

Still baths with them despite me asking a million times not to dd is 6 and ds is 4.

Rang the other day to say she would like to take ds to school for his first day.

God she infuriates me and she can't see it. she can't waitto get her mitts on my new baby, Wants to be at birth and tries to engineer it so she can be, There's no way i'd let her as i guarentee she'd probably be doing skin to skin with the baby before i got the chance to hold it.

magicmelons · 03/09/2011 21:10

Guarantee Blush, the fury effects my spelling.

gallicgirl · 03/09/2011 21:14

Euphemia - you need this t-shirt

MIL is lovely. Also lives 300 miles away which probably helps somewhat.

LindyHemming · 03/09/2011 21:16

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seeker · 03/09/2011 21:26

Outrageous! Grandma loves her grandchild. How very dare her.

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