to have no idea what to do with my baby

[imissredwine]

...
when she's awake?

music is good

my dd used to love that "Take Me Ridin' in the Car" song (Woody Guthrie), and I would join in with the sound effects (brrr! chugga chugga!).

food - once they have a couple of teeth, cut the end of a cucmber, or something else too big to swallow - they enjoy chobbling on it

ooh there's all sort of things :)

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad at the moment. It will pass, but at the moment it's making you feel disproportionately like you can't cope and you don't know how to behave. I would, alongside sucking up ANY help the GP and other HCPs offer, try to do something 'normal' every day. Go to the shops, walk to the post, library, whatever you used to do (when not working!). Take the baby in a sling and just push through any crying. If she's being held close to your body, is dry and fed, she will be fine. The most important thing is to get out of the house every day, if you're suffering from depression.

Baby groups aren't always that dire, either - don't forget you're not the only one to feel like this, and you might find a friend who is also finding this all overwhelming. And let DH do as much as he can for you, give you some 'you time' back. Babies are extremely draining when they're new even if you don't have PND.

thanks all, really appreciate it

its easier to chat here anonymously than go to groups.

no idea when appt is, waiting to hear. cmht woman i spoke to has open door policy, just ring ahead if i want to.
its the whole 'label' thing im anxious about.

hissyfit, im in surrey, nr sutton. dont really want to 'give myself away' in case someone recognises me

aitch: thanks. this really isnt me at all. thats the part i find difficlut. i miss me, the old me. still not thinking of myaelf as a mother

Where in the country are you? You don't have to say if you don't want, but you could try the mumsnet local boards?

Could you go back to work, maybe part time? You don't have to be off for the full 6-12 months. Being at home all day just doesn't suit some mums, nothing to be ashamed of. On the other hand as other people have said, in a few weeks you might start to get on top of the PND and find you're enjoying everything more.

Wow, xposted so you answered my question before I asked it- impressive

agree that full time motherhood not for everyone. i've got two kids and don't think of myself as a mother, so to speak. faaaar too selfish and lazy for that.

Surry? There are bound to be cinemas near you, things to do etc, have a look around, it'll be a start, watching a film, and a proper gorwn up film at that, it'll take your mind off things!

Baby swim class?

OH FGS, there is no label to worry about, honestly, That thinking is part of the illness, I promise you, it's not real in RL. Challenge negative thoughts like that as soon as they have the nerve to pop into your head.

This is an illness that thrives on isolation, on shame and loneliness. The more of the above you give it, the stronger it will grip.

There is no shame to a broken leg, no label to chicken pox, nor to asthma, anyone with any intelligence, when they hear you have PND, will feel nothing but warmth and sympathy to you and will want you to get better.

If you were ever unlucky to meet anyone ignorant enough to be anything less than supportive, honestly you can come on here and ask "AIBU to want to kick this person in the bits?"

The answer to that, btw, would be a unanimous YANBU!

MN-massive, are there any good PND books available?

Surrey.... gah Honestly should know better than to spell my neighbouring county wrong....

The advice on here is excellent. If I could change anything I would have taken ant-depressants - when my 3rd born was a baby. I know I would have enjoyed her so much more.

I felt exactly the same as you at this stage. Just waiting for DH to get home so I could hand over DS- the burden of looking after him (and the washing and cleaning etc) all felt like carrying a boulder round my neck.

I couldn't face mum and baby groups either and it was pissing it down every day so we didn't go out- although I doubt we would have gone out anyway, like you I always felt too tired too walk far with either the pram or sling.

I thought all of the above was because I was a bit pathetic and couldn't cope with being a mother. It was just because I was ill. When DS was 8mo I finally realised what was going on and had a course of hypnotherapy which worked really well for me. Like you, I wanted to avoid going back on ADs and there are other options that can be brilliantly effective. I do think though that if I did get PND again I wouldn't hesitate to take the medication- it can be a wonderful short term solution but it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of the PND fug.

Anyway, apologies for the ramble. You do sound very funny and smart and I bet your friends miss you too. Get them to come to your house and drink wine. It's so good for the soul to see your friends and so much easier when they come to you.

'husband is the most supportive man ever and has sat up many nights on duty so i can sleep, in fairness, i get more sleep then he does. hes a natural 'mum' and that just makes me feel like a worse one' - yes but your husband doesn't have the evil hormones that seem to trigger pnd coursing through his veins.

This isn't your fault. Loads of people get PND and loads do but don't realise until they feel better. Please consider ADs - you sound so unhappy. It would be so easy refuse to take ADs and regret it in years to come.

Take care.

I just wanted to say that I know exactly where you're coming from as I had severe pnd after DD1.

I know you don't like the idea of ADs but please please give it some serious thought.......sometimes we need a quick fix (or a quicker fix than waiting for NHS counselling can give us!). Prozac saved my life. Seriously.

Please PM me if you need a chat at any time. I really do understand how you feel.

thanks again all

get well soon, imiss.

OP I could have written most of your posts 5 years a go.

DD was born quite traumatically and I developed PND.

The tablet made me feel a lot calmer and able to just get on with things - I think I looked much better on the outswide if you know what I mean. They did not make me feel any different on the inside, except I was more able to hide things from other people. What I really needed was to talk about the way I was feeling and about the birth without people pretending it had never happened and there was nothing wrong. I never got to do this and it has affected me a lot.

Find someone to talk to about all this, if nothing else, then carry on posting. That is what will really help, alongside the pills.

Oh and it does get better. We've just celebrated dd's 5 th birthday and she is the best thing that has ever happened, but it took me a long time to accept being a parent.

Take care and hope you feel better soon. Take it easy on yourself and like someone else said, do something that makes you happy every day - just take baby along for the ride and try not to worry about what she is "doing"

Firstly, brave you, you admitted you need help and you're getting help so hopefully you will start feeling better soon, well done.

Sounds like I live in Sutton borough so maybe this link helps - www.sutton.gov.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2144 these have been a godsend to me and my DS the last 9 months, post natal group, baby massage, sing & rhyme, messy play, clinics etc.

I really struggled with bonding after a rubbish birth experience and I've heard it said that going through your maternity notes with a midwife can help, if that's an issue, just thought I'd add that too.

This sounds just how I felt. Like the walls were closing in but I couldn't face going out.
Everyone telling me to 'go about my daily routine but with baby' which made absolutely no sense to me at all. I wasn't getting up tp go to work or popping to the pub with friends - I now had a BABY!
I found looking after a small baby totally intimidating and 'new'. For me it takes time to adjust to something new but baby kept changing all the time so it justt felt like relentless 'new' to adjust to.
I started taking the tablets and started counselling - that helped. I also confided in a friend, who forced me to go out- to baby groups! Best thing I could have done- I can even go out alone now [proud]. The first time baby had a screaming fit in public, I actually thought I might die of shame/embarrassment/worry/paranoia. When I didn't, I realised that - even though it had been the WORST moment of my life so far & that is saying a lot- it was over, me & baby OK.
I took up a friend's invitation to stay over, baby wouldn't settle, cried and again I wanted to die - she fell asleep 10 mins later and I dried my eyes & had great time with my friend.
Small babies ARE boring. PND is shit. The best thing you can do for both of you is get through every day. Make sure you do something or have company in the aferenoons (or whenever you're hard part of the day is - I still find afternoons tough). Also try to put some value on just being with her - it is a bit mind-numbing but you might wish you'd spent more time just 'being' when you're feeling better.

Obv ignore the dreadful typos and I am fully aware that you're and your are not interchangeable {smile]

4thtimelucky: I've been through my notes already, I am an HCP so I understand them. Other than being quick and early, it was all ok
Thanks for the link; still dread the idea of baby groups

Pinkie: THank you. This is the week I'm worried about, husband back to work... on nights... Jesus. It's just how it all builds and builds even though nothing's even happened yet.

Quite good now at 1 handed MN, so will be posting later if needs be

Dreaded baby groups too, chose to go to activity classes instead, babygym, gymnippers, that type of thing. From 3m on I think. Less chat time but still human(adult) contact, and you get to feel virtuous, cos all good for baby.Also swimming.
However, at moment, all that sort of thing probably seems like too much effort. Have you checked out local library, ours always did a rhymetime type thing 1ce a week. Often only me and DD there, but got us out, not too much effort and introduced her to library, and I got to chooses new books. It really was only 1/2 hour, but I could plan whole week round it. Motherhood came as a shock to me in a way, always worked always in company of others always craved solitude...but not like this. Being lonely with a baby is really hard, cos you feel (or I did) like you are failing. I will send you my DD's for a couple of days, I have not, and did not fail!Nor you!!

apologies for the rubbish spelling / grammar in my earlier post, don't know where my brain was!

I echo cidre's post about the groups - most of the ones we've been to are activity ones. The best one being the story & rhyme time at Carshalton library, think there is something similar at the main library in Sutton too. With a lot of other sht going on in my life the last year, it's the one group I consistently manage and I really almost do plan my week around it, in as much as most weeks I'm not able to plan anything (other sht!). I've noticed this term a lot of the children's centre's are a more special groups focussed but there are still general groups out there. The absolute best thing is they are all free and don't tend to be cliquey like the pathetic NCT one I went to once (that's a whole other thread...).

can you work through your dread of baby groups, do you think? you sound like a witty, sociable person on here (albeit one who won't take the tabs to help her with PND... maybe i should add stubborn?)

what do you find dreadful about the idea of going to a baby group?

imissredwine I've had PND after both my pregnancies and your posts sound so familiar. One of the things about PND is that you put so much pressure on yourself to be a good mum. The thing is, as a lot have said on here already, you don't need to do anything with a baby other than what you do naturally - feed, change, cuddle, carry etc. Entertaining a young baby all day is impossible as they have an attention span of about 30 secs for anything. If baby is happy on their mat or playing with toys for an hour or so while you catch up on housework/have some "you time" or have a cuppa/something to eat isn't a failing on your part - it is something to be celebrated! As the mother of one constant screamer I will never again complain about a child that is happy for me to do nothing!
I do remember the feeling of boredom but I think it is because you are trying to fill a day with baby things when it is better to do what you would do anyway and just take baby along. Look around the shops, do your housework, watch telly, meet friends. Your baby will let you know when they need more attention than they are getting!
I'm also a fan of toddler groups and think you should give them a try just because they help to fill a good chunk of the day and it can help to have someone to structure the play a bit with songtime and things if you aren't too confident with initiating those kind of things alone.
Don't know if this is aloud but I would also recommend the meet a mum section on the dreaded Netmums! As you will meet people in the same boat as yourself who are open to making friends.
Sorry for the essay and good luck!