to have no idea what to do with my baby

[imissredwine]

...
when she's awake?

Imissredwine, so sorry you're having a tough time. Don't be afraid to go to the GP for help if you haven't already.

Also, 3 months is a hard phase, nothing to do with you as a mum. It does get easier as they get older IMO because they start to 'give back' with smiles, chatter and cuddles etc.

In the meantime, is there anyone who can help out while your DP is on nights? Could you perhaps stay with your parents or friends occasionally overnight for company?

Just go about your daily life as you would without a baby, stopping to deal with the baby as and when and including your baby where you can.

If you had 4 other kids, for instance, that baby would spend time either in a sling on your chest or on a mat on the floor whilst you all go about your daily life.

So if you want to go to Boots and buy some new makeup, then do that, but bring the baby.

If you want to clean the kitchen, pop baby on a mat on the floor and get on with it.

If you want to watch back to back episodes of crap TV, (highly recommended) do that, cuddling baby, feeding baby, etc.

If you are struggling, its sometimes easier to think along the lines of doing what makes you happy - with an 11 week old baby, they just come with you (unless crack dens make you happy but you know what I mean).

Whereas if you sit around thinking, "what can I do to make you happy" at the baby, then you are setting yourself up for failure.

So just do whatever - at 11 weeks, baby can just slot in with you (within reason - yes, you'll have to stop to feed, yes, its a faff getting them in and out of the car, etc but generally speaking)

have seen gp thanks.

just feel a bit shit bc i have no clue how to do this. she likes movement, rocking, me walking with her in sling, but it gets tiring. i just find i spend my time sitting about waiting for husband to get home., get up so i can hand her over.

dont really want to stay over with peopleat night in case she screams

mil has taken her for an evening but i dont want to take the piss as she looks after her other g daughter 2 days a week... shes15 months and mobile

see friends and family occasionally but its only a temporary break, then back to being on my own again. feel ridiculous talking to baby, self conscious, doesnt feel normal

God i miss the crack den

lol.

It can get pretty wearing, especially if the baby is having a grumpy day. One thought - do you have any groups near you specifically for new mums ? Our nct used to run one, but sure start or similar may do them now. I remember being daunted by established baby and toddler groups, but when everyone was new it was a bit easier. Another thing that helped me was trying to get out every day, even if just for a walk with the baby. I used to put a baby mozart dvd on sometimes ( not for any great educational aim, they just liked watching the colours and listening to music ) . Any baby swim sessions you could go to, or even just pitch up at the local pool ? baby massage / music classes ? Just having a specific thing to do each day can help.

I totally sympathise. I found this stage really difficult too - didn't feel naturally maternal at ALL.

I agree with what others have said - put the baby in the sling and carry on doing as you usually do. Try to get out of the house every day, even if it is just around the block for a breath of fresh air. If you have a garden or a nearby park, wrap up the baby as needed and lay them down on a blanket near some plants or under a tree or something. If you are reading one of your own books, just read it aloud - I know that sounds stupid and baby won't understand what you're saying but it's all just your soothing voice for her and vocabulary going into her little brain.

It does get better - promise! :)

I really sympathise Imissredwine I felt exactly the same (bar the PND) when I was first at home with DD. I was utterly bored, felt very unrewarded and used to count the minutes til DH got home from work so I could hand her over to him. But, as everyone else has said, it does get better. I used to arrange something to do outside the house every weekday while DH was at work.

My DH works shifts now and I'm expecting DC2. I was just saying to him yesterday that when he's on night shifts (so sleeping during the day) he can still get up and help with feeds, just as he would/did when he was working during the day. I see no reason why your DH (who is obviously trying to be supportive) shouldn't take the same approach. If he was working 9-5 wouldn't you expect him to help out at night? Sleep deprivation is not nice aside from having PND so make sure you take time out for yourself.

I could have done with some of this lovely advice when my kids were babies.

Aaah, the baby days! The years go fast but the minutes can be incredibly slow.
Fresh air, for both you and bub is great, but depression is not. Hope it goes well with the getting of help.
Agree with Squitten, my children both had their first years listening to totally age inappropriate books (not rude/swearing!!), just to keep my own interest! Got loads read actually...

I've been wondering the same thing, and DD is only 6 wks!! I adore her more every day but genuinely don't know what I'm doing. She is grizzling more, barely taking naps in the day (how much are they supposed to sleep at this age?) and has recently taken to waking up at 0430 every morning (and 0300 this morning as well, joy.) She'll then only go back to sleep on me. Not sure what I'm doing wrong TBH!

i just seem to have dug myself into a hole. i cant face going out with her. in case she cries (i know, who cares?), i hate the idea of just going shopping or walking for the sake of it. i feel so limited as to what i can do. and i dont even know what i want to do. ive never been off work this long and dont know how to fill my days. i dread baby groups and the like. i dont even like taking the the pram because i feel people are looking at me and casting judgement. (yes, i know it sounds mental)

husband is the most supportive man ever and has sat up many nights on duty so i can sleep, in fairness, i get more sleep then he does. hes a natural 'mum' and that just makes me feel like a worse one.

i dont even know that ive bonded (whatever that means) with my baby. she has with me, i get giggles and smiles and they're lovely. but that doesnt really seem to help

pnd sucks. never thought it would happen to me, but find myself tearful and anxious all the time. it all feels like a dreadful mistake and i know it will get better, get easier i'm just not sure i care.. i dread the thought of her becoming more awake and mobile and demanding more of my time.

talking does help, but it doesnt fix it

What help are you getting for your PND? It does sound that the problem is not you, or your baby, but the fact that you are currently ill. That needs to be treated first. I confess I don't have kids myself yet (currently pregnant) but I know a few people who've had PND, once they've been treated for it they've spoken about how it's like a light has been put on and suddenly everything is so much better.

I've also already had this book recommended to me for the early weeks, you could order a copy: What Mothers Do, especially when it looks like nothing

pnd really sucks, you poor thing. you will look back on these posts in time and see that it is the illness overwhelming you rather than your baby, i'm sure, but that is scant comfort right now. what exactly are you and your doc doing regarding the fact that you're not well at the mo?

btw re the crying, it sounds loud to you because you are the mother and all your nerve endings go ZIIIIIING! when that baby cries, but i promise you she is not a bother to other people. they aren't hearing the same noise.

Oh you don't really need to answer my question by the way. Main thing is: you need help with the PND, then the rest of it. But it sounds to me like all your worries about going out are stemming from the PND. If you're in a hole, it's been made by the PND, and you need someone to throw down a rope to help you get out.

Now how's that for a cheesy analogy?

seen gp, referred to psyche team (which makes me feel just 'great')
talked to a mental health [something]...

everyone offers pills but im really not keen. had anti-deps years ago after a divorce, wish i hadnt then but was vulnerable so clutched at anything

waiting to see a consultant for a chat/ something. not sure/

hardest bit is how to broach subject with friends/ family. oddly, the in laws are far more understanding than my family. have few 'proper' friends but i know theyll sympathise but the subject is terrifying to bring up... maybe red wine will help?

i can rationalise that baby is fine and doing everything she's supposed to be, im physically healthy i just cant think straight at the moment

I really feel for you imissredwine, I went through PND when DD was around the same age and it was awful. You've been given some great advice re getting a sling and going to baby groups. I made the mistake of thinking that playgroups are for toddlers but really they are for parents to stay sane so go along to any you can find.

Also if you can find one of those pram/buggy workout groups that will help you meet other mums and get out in the fresh air. Exercise is meant to help with depression. Obviously you should still talk to your GP but a bit of exercise may help. Something like this (there are loads of other results if you do a google search)

how long is the wait for the consultant?
i think anti deps have changed A LOT in recent years, and the thing to remember is that all they are supposed to do is offer you a window of clarity for a while, to give you time to sort other stuff out. they're not the be all and end all but by god they are a fantastic tool.

ALL of this and the FF/BF thing is down to the PND. It can strike anyone. I had full blown depression donkeys years ago, and was scared to death that I'd get PND, I was lucky, I didn't. But having had the depression, I do know a little of what you are going through.

Where are you in the UK?

Does your local cinema have baby sessions... It doesn't matter if they scream, cos everyone is in the same boat.

You are doing a great job of looking after her, you are meeting her needs and she is thriving. She is bonding with you, because you are caring for her, she adores you.

When this PND lifts,(and it will) you will see how life is supposed to be. The only way to get out of this black fog is to keep on keeping on and take one step at a time. Tell yourself the truth every day, which is that you are a good mother, that your DD loves you and that it will get easier.

Try to do one thing a day for you, a walk, cinema, 3m is tough, the first few months can be a hard slog, even without PND. If nothing else, get a shower/bath every day, put dd in a bouncer/car seat next to the bath if need be, but the act of cleaning your body and having a soak may help to lift your spirits.

Are there PND support groups near you, could your HV help you with this? Remember, no one will judge you ever for this, this is not something you did, it is something that happened to you... and it happens to so many women. there are many resources to help support you, if you know where to look.

Is there a PND support thread here? If so, could someone point imissredwine in the right direction?

You say talking does help, but doesn't fix it. It actually DOES help fix it, but it's not an overnight process, so keep at it, and you will get through this. I promise!

Hang on in there girl, it'll be OK in the end!

Agree with sling suggestions. My 15 week old gets cranky at home with just us but he loves going out in the sling.

Especially the supermarket - all those fascinating shelves with coloured boxes and funny shapes!
I've made a few supermarket trips that could have waited just to get him out and about.

Even a walk down the road will entertain her, she'll enjoy new faces and sights but feel safe and snug close to you.

(also re psych team and 'great', who else would you be referred to? it's no judgement on you as a parent or a person to be felled by PND, really it isn't. you sound good and funny and like you'll be just fine when you get this bit sorted.)

I would suggest taking the drugs. You have an illness, the drugs can help with that. The people I know with PND have not ended up on the drugs for ages. It always seems very different to people I know who have other kinds of depression. If you had any other sort of illness you would take medication to help. Don't think of your PND as different. It isn't.

I don't think you really need to do anything with a baby of that age, get a sling, attend to their physical needs and relax. There's so much pressure to 'stimulate' them and it's overwhelming. I felt bad about ds and I hating baby massage and stupid tummy time and didn't bother with dd. I was a much more relaxed mother and she turned out fine.

Good luck and don't let the perfect mothers grind you down, you don't need to intrude in every aspect of your baby's life. Notice what he likes and do that.

Imissredwine.

You sound a bit depressed.In retrospect I wish I had taken a course of antipressants after my third child - something like Prozac. They give you a bit of a boost and just make you feel more 'normal'.

Please give the ADs a try? This is a well recognised illness, there are a multitude of ADs, every year more and more come onto the market.

If you had a headache, you would take a tablet wouldn't you?

This is no different. it can just take the edge off the utter despair and improve your day to day by just enough to get your recovery started.

Why not agree to taking them for a period of time, 2m would probably be enough for them to make a difference.

This is a serious and potentially dangerous illness, but if can be fought, and beaten.

You owe it to yourself to use all available weapons to defeat it.

Lecture over...