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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Probably am but fed up!

32 replies

laumiere · 25/09/2010 08:06

I've been married to DH for 4 years, and we have 2 kids. He became friends with a woman through FB about 2 years ago, and they met up for drinks a few times (with my knowledge and blessing).

Each time she has made it clear she either wants an affair or for DH to leave his family (he has been completely straight with her and says it will never happen but says when she's not on about that she's good company). She has to date, lied to him, spread rumours that he's having an affair with another friend of ours, been jealous and possessive and convinced her boyfriend that she and my DH were having sex the night our second child was born (they weren't).

DH is a stay at home carer and is dependent on FB and his group of friends to be sociable, so he's not happy at losing any friends without a good reason and tends to give people a lot of chances, whereas I don't.

He stopped speaking to her for 9 months after last incident (at my request) but have recently started talking again and DH is very keen for her and me to be friends, or at least tolerate each other so that he can continue to be friends with her and I DON'T WANT TO! I don't want to be the bigger person here, I don't want this woman anywhere near my family. I have complete faith in DH to be completely faithful, but I just don't want her in my life or my children's lives, and preferably not in DH's either!

I am being U right?

OP posts:
charmander · 25/09/2010 08:08

You are being very reasonable.

swallowedAfly · 25/09/2010 08:10

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tribpot · 25/09/2010 08:10

No you are not!

I cannot see how he can have a friendship with someone who wants him to leave his family, that's just insane. And unfair to her as well.

Curlybrunette · 25/09/2010 08:11

Why on earth would he want to be friends with her? She has spread malicious lies about him and if she goes on about wanting to sleep with him/dh to leave his family then that can't be pleasant conversation for dh to listen to.

YANBU - she sounds tapped and dh is out of order for continuing to be friends with her

x

RunawayRasin · 25/09/2010 08:11

YANBU at all IMO - she sounds like a bit of a toxic "friend" to me your DH should put his family first here and cut her out of his life, he managed it for 9 months so should continue. No one needs a friend who lies and makes your loved ones unhappy.

Original poster
laumiere · 25/09/2010 08:12

trib He says she's really nice when she's not being like that and she keeps promising she's changed. Even if she has and is a complete angel now, it still makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
laumiere · 25/09/2010 08:13

curly what's tapped?

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 25/09/2010 08:15

Laumiere, YANBU.

It sounds as if your DH is lonely, though. It is particularly hard for SAHDs to make friends, IME, because the vast majority of stay at home parents are mothers and, unfortunately, they or their partners are often uncomfortable with them being friends with a man. Not always, but largely it has been my ex-DH's experience.

Now, while your DH's social life is his responsibility, if he is stuck in a rut, dependent on FB then could you help out? Encourage him to do some after work or weekend activities where he can hang out with guys in RL? If so, the FB hanger-ons might disappear.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/09/2010 08:16

i would be questioning your husbands judgement on this, tbh. Im home all day and my DH trusts me with his life, but then id never want to be friends with anyone that upset my DH, so would be a non issue.

YANBU and i would also be a bit upset that DH had but a friendship aead of my feelings, and yes i would expect him to be telepathic and 'just know' that this would upset me, and id be disapointed if i had to point it out Grin

Squitten · 25/09/2010 08:16

Good God - if one of DH's friends did that, she would be gone. There would be no discussion in this house. No WAY would I be tolerating my husband associating with a woman who has told him that she wants to break up our marriage. It's insane!

And if he had any respect for you, he would feel the same way

Original poster
laumiere · 25/09/2010 08:18

scroobius it's a good idea and he has said in the past that it has been lonely (as you say, it's all mum and baby groups). He's been trying to get some bar work and does socialise with friends once a week plus any other nights we can arrange.

OP posts:
Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 25/09/2010 08:22

She is insane and your DH is being an idiot.

gtamom · 25/09/2010 08:25

I agree, she is totally nuts and your dh is bvvvvvvvvu!YANBU

Original poster
laumiere · 25/09/2010 08:25

libra I don't know if I can use that as an argument, if it were me I'd be a bit defensive!

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 25/09/2010 08:26

This reply has been deleted

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ScroobiousPip · 25/09/2010 08:27

Laumiere - bar work sounds like a great idea. Some extra cash (and independence) for your DH and a lot less time hanging around on FB. Wink

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 25/09/2010 08:28

laumiere if your DH is going to act like an idiot then he needs to be treated like one and that means breaking everything down to very simple terms that he can understand.

pinkbasket · 25/09/2010 08:39

If this was my husband I'm afraid I would make him chose. And mean it.

YANBU at all in any which way.

Mishy1234 · 25/09/2010 08:41

YANBU!

Your DH needs to remove her from your lives and ensure it stays that way.

Anenome · 25/09/2010 08:43

Me too Pinkbaset....not a hope in hell my DH would have had the 2nd meeting in the fist place! I would probably have kicked off anyway... don't think its right for married men to meet female "friends" from Facebook.

Original poster
laumiere · 25/09/2010 08:49

anemone I gave her the benefit of the doubt up until the lies and rumours, but I have no objection to DH having friends he met on FB, female or not.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/09/2010 08:50

I have many, many male friends, not least because nearly everyone I work with is male.

I would never have a friendship with someone who said they wanted me to have an affair. It would simply not be right. And to expect my dh to be friends with the person too - sheesh! Not in a million years.

spiritmum · 25/09/2010 08:58

YANBU.

Dh on the other hand wants his head examining. It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex and something else entirely to have female friends who want him to leave their wife and kids and go set up a shag nest with them.

Okay, very daringly throwing this in but I did recently read an article by a man who was a SAHD and who started an affair with a playground mum. He loved his wife, he found her sexy, he loved the kids, she trusted him, but having an affair made him feel like he was needed in a masculine way. Obviously this is a load of testosterone driven crap used to justify an affair and not something I have any sympathy for but having read from a male pov what it is like to be the one who cleans the oven I do wonder whether this woman being so needy around your dh gives him the same kind of feeling.

Agree that dh needs a life away from Facebook.

pinkbasket · 25/09/2010 09:00

I wanted to be friends with a male but dh said no way and I accepted it as he knew it wasn't innocent on the guys side.

justwaitaminute · 25/09/2010 09:19

Why on earth would you want to be friends with such a horrible women, yanbu in the slightest, she's no friend to him at all, friends don't treat each other like that.

She sounds like a bitch, she obviously just likes the thought that she's upsetting you otherwise she'd have left well alone after the last time.

I'd tell your husband that if he wants to be with you he's to have nothing more to do with her!