To accept this huge amount of money??

[RaspberrySheep]

I have been a long time lurker but could really do with the opinions of the MN Jury. Please help!!

Just after my dad died suddenly in 2001, I discovered I was pregnant. It was unexpected to say the least, but my partner was excited about it and we decided that we would have the baby. My partner became increasingly distant and when I was four and a half months pregnant he gave me the ?it?s the baby or me ultimatum.? He told me that he could not face up to being a father and he left. He encouraged me to have a late termination, but I didn?t want this, not only because I was still grieving for my dad but because I had fallen in love with my baby.

He made it clear to me that he did not want to have anything to do with the baby but I always hoped that he would change his mind. My little boy is now 8 and has changed my life for the better. It has not been straightforward as my DS has Dyspraxia but as with all mums, I am his biggest fan!

I have always worked fulltime to support DS, however in 2003, I was made redundant and was unemployed for three months. During this time I needed to claim benefits and the Benefits Agency subsequently contacted the CSA to chase DS?s father for some kind of support for DS. (His father had not paid anything towards his upkeep until then).

My DS was awarded £184 a month and has received this amount every month from his father ever since.

I recently contacted the CSA and discovered that DS?s father had declared to them that he was earning £15k a year. He holds a senior position at a company and has always earned more than £40k per annum. The CSA offered to review the payment and have now come up with a new award of £500 per month.

My problem with this is ? do I accept the money? DS?s father is very affluent and has been able to ?move on? with his life after leaving us. He has married and has a great job. However my life / career came to a standstill when DS was born. DS has everything he needs, but he has never been on holiday and I could not afford to buy a car or any other ?luxuries? for him. When DS?s father found out about the huge increase in award, he was furious and has now contacted me to ask me to consider setting up an arrangement with him directly, so that the CSA are not involved at all.

My friend (who is keeping an eye on this thread) nearly choked on her sandwich when I suggested that this is what I may do. She?s right, he is totally unreliable, he has never shown an interest in DS, never sent him a Birthday or Christmas card, once (the only time) when DS contacted him, he hung up. Not forgetting that he has been paying well under what he should have been for the past 5 years. However, I just can not get out of my head the guilt of taking so much money from him, when he made it clear at the start that DS was not welcome in his life and I decided to go it alone. I wish I could tell him where to put the money, but the truth is that I need it to be able to pay the bills.

What do you think??

Morning! Just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you for all the brilliant responses and support I have received here. I am truely overwhelmed and think I have finally found some confidence to tackle this!!

Think I am going to accept the money - if it arrives, the CSA tell me that there is a good chance he may cancel the current direct debit, so he doesn't have to pay the new amount and I will end up getting nothing at all for a while - either that or he will leave his job so he doesn't have to make the payments. He is the kind of person who cuts his nose off to spite his face.

I am taking the money because he has really hurt my son - he has forbidden his parents from ever making contact with DS, so it's not just a father he is missing out on, but an entire side of DS's 'family'. DS has been denied his roots, his family history IYSWIM. It's heartbreaking to send photos to them and to never get an acknowledgement back, so for that and so many other reasons I am going to stop being a martyr and start having a bit of a life with DS.

I have to say that I am strangely drawn to the Autotrader website and am already picturing how amazing it would be to pootle along on the school run on some wheels in winter, rather than hiking him along on a sledge (as I have done for the past few years! - we live in Scotland!)

I am going to have to dodge the 'you've ruined my life' e-mails and the 'they've calculated it all wrong, I can't afford to eat' telephone calls. It's going to be bloody hard as I am a wuss at the best of times and I can't forget that whatever happened, he has given me my brilliant DS, who I'm sure will grow up to be Mr Wonderful and not an iota like his father when dealing with the ladies - At least he's better not or I will string him up by the goolies!! (is 'goolies' actually a word anymore?!)

Hoping the guilt stops soon as I find it hard to live with.

Thank you again, Raspberry :) x x

Get the email set up so that they get diverted to either the wate bin or a friend who can read and delete /pass on as needed.

I am glad you're going to try for it. I have a son the same age who also has dyspraxia. If it were me I'd be spending teh first bit on accessing the Dyscovery Crntre, then sorting a car, a great Christmas and any left can go into savings.

Good luck, hope he pays up.

Morning Raspberry I am glad you have decided to take the money.
Just remember almost 200 Mnrs have said that it is the right thing to do!!!

Take the money. Simples.

Good for you ! Remember it is your sons welfare/feelings you should be dwelling on , NEVER his absent fathers.

hi just joining the take the money via CSA party

my father even though court ordered to pay x money (pre CSA) used it as a bargaining tool etc and sometimes paid and sometimes didn't...was a pita most of childhood

I would probably bank a chunk of it say £150 as money for your son later or as a cushion if his circumstances change again and you have used the funds for extra support for your son... TAKE IT.

I'm so pleased you have decided to accept the money! Well done for being brave Plus, it makes me feel better as I know this is one of those threads that I would keep thinking about all weekend otherwise!

Your guit will stop as soon as he sends you a shitty email when he has been forced to pay. But you should delete all future email without even opening them from now on, if you can, I know it might be quite hard for you. Also remember that if he really does have reason to complain, he can tell the CSA and they will review it. It's not your problem! If you need stregnth to deal with him again, get yourself back on here.

Just wanted to say that's fantastic news, why shouldn't you have a nice warm drive to school
BTW don't delete any emails, you don't have to read them but keep them just in case they are ever needed.

great news, rasp. good decision, i'm excited for you that you will be able to afford transport for your son. (i mean ffs, he deserves that).

i bet you will get some good suggestions as to what to say to ex when he does call on here... i'm trying to think of some. nothing nasty or heated, just something simple... can't think right now but you need something to rehearse in your mind and trot out when he calls.

Raspberry sheep

Good morning to you. I have just read all 210 posts and it is a non-brainer when 200 people
are all unanimous.

You ARE making the right decision. You asked the internet do you take the money - the internet said YES!!!! Absofuckinglutely.

Chippy did the maths, the guy's got away without paying for 3 years then a reduced amount. He should pay what he owes - if you do not need it now you WILL need it soon enough: teens are expensive and college even more so.

1. Take the money
2. Put your answer machine on/vet calls (or keep the evidence of tirades! ;-)
3. I would move all emails to a new folder entitled 'legal' rather than bin them but do not read them if you are easily manipulated and certainly do not reply
4. No private arrangements whatsoever
5. You know the worst case scenario - frozen debits-delay-whingeing-abuse. Let the CSA deal with the lot.

This echoes what 200 odd people have told you. Scotland is gorgeous but bloody freezing
in a cold winter...have pictured you and your sledge bless. If you do get a little runner then that will help DS get from here to there and no holiday in 9 years: spend some money on a mummy-son weekend break or do all the winter wonderland stuff at Edinburgh.

I am 7 months pregnant - unplanned - if my bloke had asked me to consider aborting at 16 weeks he would now be a eunuch. I'd have his ghoolies on a plate. As he says it takes two to trouser tango and the guy should have manned up. End. Have a great weekend love.

Great post!

Don't be silly, you would be mad not to, of course he should pay. Make your sons life and yours even better eg holidays, tutoring etc.

Go for it!

Congrats on your decision. I suggest that if he sends you a "you've ruined my life" email you respond by reminding him that it's his child and it's time for him to man up and take responsibility, financial if nothing else. if he didn't want to run the risk of a kid, he shouldn't have had sex.

If he was man enough to embark on a sexual relationship with a woman of child-bearing age, then he should be man enough to accept the inevitable consequences.
Too many men these days want the best of all worlds, ie the sex without the commitment. What puzzles me is why so many women let them. Whatever happened to getting married first?
(I'll go back to my cave and chew on a dinosaur bone now!)

Keep going through the CSA.
Ignore any emails he may send but keep them in a folder, you never know when you may need evidence, of course you may never need it.

If you can save as much of this extra maney as you can, if he's the type to cancel direst debits, quit his job etc then you will feel the pinch.

If buying a car get it looked over by the RAC /AA,will cast you but better than buying a lemon or take a friendly mechanic along ( rare as hen's teeth them )

If he says CSA have miscalulated that has NOTHING to do with you, it's between him and the CSA.

It took two to make a baby, not just you.

It's sad he is too selfish to be able to give your son the love he deserves, but what make smy blood boil is him "forbidding" his parents contact. Who does he think he is?
And how daft are they to go along with that?
Mind you they brought up this selfish excuse for a man so maybe no great loss there.

Take the money, the child's father has a responsibility to pay to raise his son, otherwise your child will go without of the tax payer will have to foot the bill for yet another feckless father