To accept this huge amount of money??

[RaspberrySheep]

I have been a long time lurker but could really do with the opinions of the MN Jury. Please help!!

Just after my dad died suddenly in 2001, I discovered I was pregnant. It was unexpected to say the least, but my partner was excited about it and we decided that we would have the baby. My partner became increasingly distant and when I was four and a half months pregnant he gave me the ?it?s the baby or me ultimatum.? He told me that he could not face up to being a father and he left. He encouraged me to have a late termination, but I didn?t want this, not only because I was still grieving for my dad but because I had fallen in love with my baby.

He made it clear to me that he did not want to have anything to do with the baby but I always hoped that he would change his mind. My little boy is now 8 and has changed my life for the better. It has not been straightforward as my DS has Dyspraxia but as with all mums, I am his biggest fan!

I have always worked fulltime to support DS, however in 2003, I was made redundant and was unemployed for three months. During this time I needed to claim benefits and the Benefits Agency subsequently contacted the CSA to chase DS?s father for some kind of support for DS. (His father had not paid anything towards his upkeep until then).

My DS was awarded £184 a month and has received this amount every month from his father ever since.

I recently contacted the CSA and discovered that DS?s father had declared to them that he was earning £15k a year. He holds a senior position at a company and has always earned more than £40k per annum. The CSA offered to review the payment and have now come up with a new award of £500 per month.

My problem with this is ? do I accept the money? DS?s father is very affluent and has been able to ?move on? with his life after leaving us. He has married and has a great job. However my life / career came to a standstill when DS was born. DS has everything he needs, but he has never been on holiday and I could not afford to buy a car or any other ?luxuries? for him. When DS?s father found out about the huge increase in award, he was furious and has now contacted me to ask me to consider setting up an arrangement with him directly, so that the CSA are not involved at all.

My friend (who is keeping an eye on this thread) nearly choked on her sandwich when I suggested that this is what I may do. She?s right, he is totally unreliable, he has never shown an interest in DS, never sent him a Birthday or Christmas card, once (the only time) when DS contacted him, he hung up. Not forgetting that he has been paying well under what he should have been for the past 5 years. However, I just can not get out of my head the guilt of taking so much money from him, when he made it clear at the start that DS was not welcome in his life and I decided to go it alone. I wish I could tell him where to put the money, but the truth is that I need it to be able to pay the bills.

What do you think??

Take it take it take it take it take it take it. Why would you want to deny your DS money to which he is entitled? Why?

Is part of the dilemma the fact you will, by proxy, enjoy some of the benefits of this money ? eg your son going on a nice holiday - he's only going to be able to do that if you go on the nice holiday with him IYSWIM.

I think that would be the stumbling block - if you feel you can't allow yourself to enjoy the money because you feel guilty about accepting it (I'm not saying you should feel guilty)

Is there any flexibility from CSA ? could accept £400, for eg?

TBH, I don't think you are BU at all, but I do understand why it isn't just as straightforward as some might think.

"he is telling me that they may lose their home if they can not afford to keep up the CSA payments" - that is complete bollocks. Don't fall for it. He earns over 40k THAT YOU KNOW OF. He just wants to spend the money on himself.

Just seen your second message - he is funding that house by stealing from his son.

He already had a child when his wife married him. As a mother herself, she should have realised that DCs are expensive and need to be funded. If she didn't, she's an idiot, and it's not your fault your ex married a stupid woman any more than it is that your ex decided to lie to cheat his son out of the money he's entitled to. They shouldn't have bought a house they can't afford.

Jeeezzz - take the money. Your son is entitled to it.

Take the money, if you are in a position where you have more than you need, save it for your son's future.

I would also offer to let you ex partner have contact if you / he think that is beneficial.

Take the money, it's not for you it's for your son. Your son is your priority not your selfish ex partners living arrangements.

The truth is he may well be unable to afford to pay £500 per month without having to change how he lives. People live to their income so has lived and set commitments including this £500. He should have been canny enough to realise that this day may come.

if you feel guilty, don't accept a reduced amount. Put the money you're uncomfortable about in a savings account for your son. I'm sure he'll be grateful for it as a young adult.

But you definitely shouldn't feel guilty.

It is your sons money.

He has wormed his way out of not being a father, do not let him wiggle out of supporting his son.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

This is an absolute no brainer.

It may seem like a large amount to you, but it's only 15% of your ex's net income, AND he's been underpaying for years, to the tune of thousands.

He's trying to make you feel bad. Sorry but if he earns that amount and is worried about losing his home then I'd say to him 1) cut back on your spending 2) get another job to supplement his income 3) let his wife get a job!

He's being a prick, even if he has to move home to something smaller so what.

Take the money!

Oh, FUCK him (DS's father). He's furious he's being expected to pay a reasonable amount in relationship to his income to support his own child?!

Why feel an iota of guilt?

This is your son's money! This is what he is entitled to from his biological father.

You need it to pay bills.

So take it.

And FUCK him wanting to set up an arrangement with CSA. You said so yourself, he's unreliable, so you need the CSA behind you to make sure he has a reason to do his part.

take the money, it is for your son and he is entitled to it.

Don't understand the angst though, you contacted the CSA, you told them he was earning more than 15k which triggered a reassessment.
It can't have been a shock to you when they came back with a higher figure.
Particularly when they have an online calculator......

Take the money via the CSA. Whether he likes the idea or not, he has a son and he has a duty to support him, properly. He's been lying to the CSA for years, and now he's "furious" that they've found out the truth and want him to pay what he owes? Well, poor him! He knew he was lying and he should have realised that he'd be caught out sooner or later.

also, please don't worry about what it'll do to his step-family. If I found out that DH had a child who he hadn't been supporting properly for years and years, I'd be absolutely livid with him. Yes, it would mean my family would have to make some sacrifices, but I absolutely would not allow him to wriggle out of his responsibilities.

Four months is quite bloody late to be terminating, so it's not as though the OP is

As for the increased money, just keep in mind these related points:

(1) He lied for ages, in order to minimise his contribution. That's not quite a negotiation, and shows he can't be trusted in a non-mediated arrangement

(2) Having lied before, he could lie again later, even after the CSA setup. Therefore, this £500 a month may not be for the full term. You should treat it as coming with a risk premium, and save whatever extra you can, in order to cushion yourself against any future shocks. This is why, for example, contractors and freelancers should get paid higher rates than staff. It is to compensate them for the lack of security. This is accepted and acceptable business practice, which he probably implements as a company director. Therefore, there is absolutely no double standard here (unless you accept less than he would himself).

(3) This principle of paying more for greater risk and accepting less money for reduced risk is also very important for making your decision about accepting an arrangement which doesn't go through the CSA. Let's say he offers you more if it an arrangement between the two of you, with no CSA enforcement. You should only accept that if you realise that this is higher risk/higher reward: you risk losing it altogether.

The CSA surely would not have awarded an amount which could be considered onerous for him to pay. They are meant to be the judges in this matter, not you and certainly not him.

(4) And most importantly: This is monery for your son. Who is more important to you, your son or your ex and his family? Your ex's family is a 2-parent family, which is a situation with a bit more "give" in it than the situation of a lone parent of a child with dyspraxia, a lone parent who has had to rely on benefits (very good point grumpypants made about the taxpayer subsidising this man's responsibilities). Your son has only you to depend on. What if you were to fall ill and not be able to work and care for him as you have been doing? That kind of effort is only possible when you're healthy. Don't let your son down.

I hope these considerations are helpful in setting your mind at rest.

And what FakePlasticTrees said. When you marry a person with children, you accept there is financial responsibility that goes with that.

Not your problem!

You need money to pay bills to keep the roof over your son's head and give him the best start you can.

He has a responsibility to pay, not the taxpayer.

Stick with the CSA. Sod his sob story!

He may have made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with your son before he was born, but it was AFTER conception. It's like saying you'll not pay for any damage after the horse has just bolted, and then saying "i told you so" when faced with a reasonable bill.

Your ex should be strung over hot coals for lying to the CSA for so many years - he's gone on to have the perfect setup, married, earning well, you've had to shoulder the burden of the child that's BOTH yours, no matter how much he won't admit/like that fact.

TAKE the £500 and tell him you'll be dealing ONLY with the CSA involved, what a sneaky rat, trying to go outside the arrangement - he's probably planning on screwing you in some other way like he has dnoe for years anyywa.

i forgot to say, i'm agreeing with the posters saying you should take the extra money for your son. even if you aren't comfortable with spending it now, put it in a high interest kid's account and let your son have the benefit of being cushioned against the struggle to find a house deposit or pay for his first car, or tuition fees.

If you feel that you'd be benefitting from the money then pay half into a savings account into your sons name which he can access when he is older. It's his money, he is legally entitled to i t.

Take the money but throught he CSA. As your son gets older, things will get more expensive - clothes, shoes, etc. I would put some away for his future - to repay what he has missed out on when he was younger. He will thank you when he is older. You are responsible fo rhom for at least another 10 years.

Your Ex cant have it both ways - he shouldnt have lied about his salary - shouldnt that have been checked anyway? The only slight issue I see is that if he stops paying then you could end up with no money rather than the £184 you get now.

Get the money. Whether you spend it now, or save towards something for your son later in life, that's up to you.
Keep it formal, ie. through CSA.
Will they backdate?

My friend has a son in an almost identical way. She did sue him, though, through the US equivalent of CSA because welfare is very limited in the US and people are expected to pay for their children before the taxpayer.

Anyhow, when her son was about 7 he had the nerve to ring her up and ask if he could stop paying because his girlfriend didn't like it that he was 'giving her (the mother) money.'

She reminded him that he'd agreed to keep contact through solicitors only and re-iterated the name and address of hers before hanging up.

She never heard from him again but the money kept coming.