To accept this huge amount of money??

[RaspberrySheep]

I have been a long time lurker but could really do with the opinions of the MN Jury. Please help!!

Just after my dad died suddenly in 2001, I discovered I was pregnant. It was unexpected to say the least, but my partner was excited about it and we decided that we would have the baby. My partner became increasingly distant and when I was four and a half months pregnant he gave me the ?it?s the baby or me ultimatum.? He told me that he could not face up to being a father and he left. He encouraged me to have a late termination, but I didn?t want this, not only because I was still grieving for my dad but because I had fallen in love with my baby.

He made it clear to me that he did not want to have anything to do with the baby but I always hoped that he would change his mind. My little boy is now 8 and has changed my life for the better. It has not been straightforward as my DS has Dyspraxia but as with all mums, I am his biggest fan!

I have always worked fulltime to support DS, however in 2003, I was made redundant and was unemployed for three months. During this time I needed to claim benefits and the Benefits Agency subsequently contacted the CSA to chase DS?s father for some kind of support for DS. (His father had not paid anything towards his upkeep until then).

My DS was awarded £184 a month and has received this amount every month from his father ever since.

I recently contacted the CSA and discovered that DS?s father had declared to them that he was earning £15k a year. He holds a senior position at a company and has always earned more than £40k per annum. The CSA offered to review the payment and have now come up with a new award of £500 per month.

My problem with this is ? do I accept the money? DS?s father is very affluent and has been able to ?move on? with his life after leaving us. He has married and has a great job. However my life / career came to a standstill when DS was born. DS has everything he needs, but he has never been on holiday and I could not afford to buy a car or any other ?luxuries? for him. When DS?s father found out about the huge increase in award, he was furious and has now contacted me to ask me to consider setting up an arrangement with him directly, so that the CSA are not involved at all.

My friend (who is keeping an eye on this thread) nearly choked on her sandwich when I suggested that this is what I may do. She?s right, he is totally unreliable, he has never shown an interest in DS, never sent him a Birthday or Christmas card, once (the only time) when DS contacted him, he hung up. Not forgetting that he has been paying well under what he should have been for the past 5 years. However, I just can not get out of my head the guilt of taking so much money from him, when he made it clear at the start that DS was not welcome in his life and I decided to go it alone. I wish I could tell him where to put the money, but the truth is that I need it to be able to pay the bills.

What do you think??

His lose the house "argument" is nonsense. He should have got a mortgage based on his real net income rather than his falsely inflated one.

Take the money. Stick with the CSA.

Your ex is a prick.

Take the money. If he had been reliable financially from the start and not lied, it may not be so cut and dry, but IMO it is.

As he obviously cannot be trusted to be upfront keep it official and keep it through the CSA as well. My Mum spent years chasing my Dad for maintenance, which he paid in dribs and drabs and sometimes not at all, even after promising to help. He was loaded, my Mum was not.

right so when you were 4.g months pregnant and announced it to the world, he changed his mind and told you to get an abortion.

What a knob

Take the money, dont listen to his blackmail, he knew he had a child he should take that into account when budgeting - if he cant afford to pay the morgage and pay for your son, thats his problem not yours.

While your claiming benifits, living hand to mouth and struggling to get by (on 40k) he's living in luxury.

Take it and dont feel guilty, he owes this to his son and to you.

oh and stick with CSA, do not make a private arrangement. They are there to protect you and your son

TAKE THE MONEY AND GO THROUGH THE CSA!! :o

What said said

Do not, do NOT agree to a private arrangement. Allow the CSA to calculate it. Keep it official.

1. He got you pregnant.

1. He asked you to have a late abortion.

1. He left you when you wouldn't abort a 4.5 month old foetus, to cope on your own.

1. He has been fraudulently and knowingly underpaying you for years. He chose, when asked, to declare his income as less than half what it was.

Stop wanting to protect this man from the consequences of his actions.

I have only read the first few replies. Apologies if this has already been said, but I don't know how you can refuse to take it. The money is not yours to accept or refuse. It is for your son.

Take it. Through the CSA and not privately.

YABU to even consider not taking it.

The other thing you could do if you can manage without the money is to invest it for your ds. It will pay for university fees, car, deposit for a flat, gap year or something else to benefit your ds.

I reckon the money I'll be getting (award only agreed last week) will go towards ds's extracurricular activities which seem to add up to a stonking amount of money each month.

Agree take the money!!

His son is his responsibility as well as yours!! No need to feel guily.

Hi again

Wow! thank you so much for all the great advice. I am now feeling a bit more confident about the decision I have to make. If I am honest (get the violins out!) I think that I am desperately trying to keep him sweet. i.e. He has never shown any interest in DS but since this whole thing has come about, he has had 'proper' conversations with me about him - i.e. not just one word replies. He has asked after him etc. I know this will be short lived, but just a tiny bit of me hoped that if I agreed to accept less money then he may decide to be more involved in DS's life.

DS is at an age where he is looking for a male role model and it breaks my heart when he cries and asks why is Dad isn't about like his friend's Dad's are.

My ideal scenario is that I meet somebody who will eventually adopt DS and then we can all move on. A bit of me still feels very sorry for DS's father - he made a mistake which is easy enough to do, he got scared and now he has to pay for his mistake for the next 10 years - he would get less for being a criminal! I just can't help putting myself in his shoes and thinking about what it must be like for him. Sorry, am rambling now!

I agree with the general consensus
keep with the CSA
Take the money

The father has a legal as well as moral obligation to support his child, him suggesting a late abortion has nothing to do with it.
If he didn't want a child he could have taken precautions pre conception

It's not your fault he lied on an official form and declared he was earning less than he was.

Remember that this amount of money is what an independant authority reckons is fair and reasonable for the father to contribute

If it makes you feel better save some of the money for extras like a holiday, any hobbies your son may want to partake in, school trips etc etc

Take the money but I'm shocked that the CSA has calculated a figure of £500 a month. I think the figure is far too much for a salary of £40k.

P.S. Just to point out that I'm working full time again now and have been since 2003, so I'm not claiming any benefits at the moment! (so if I don't take the money, it will be hitting my own pocket, not the tax payers!) :)

it makes no difference to the situation either way, tbh.

Journey - Yes, it is a huge amount of money - I certainly could not afford to pay it if the shoe were on the other foot. It must be terrible to have this momey taken off you for something that happened a long time ago and for someone who you wouldn't even recognise in the street :(

his problem, though. is there an element of back payment in that?

Aitch - No, it's £490 per month but there are arrears due on top of this which the CSA have asked him to pay back in a lump sum.

please stop feeling sorry for him.

Paying for your own child is not some dreadful hardship; it's his basic duty as a decent human being. The fact that he's trying to make you pity him for having to do so is awful.

Similarly, having a child isn't a punishment. As you know, it's a wonderful experience. Just because he's too stupid to realise what he's missing out on by not being part of your son's life, doesn't mean he should be allowed not to contribute financially.

He got himself into the situation; he should live with the consequences.

£500 is quite a lot of money, but is how much the CSA have decided he should pay. They have standardised ways of calculating this and he can probably appeal to them if he thinks the calculations are wrong. Whether or not it will impact upon his life is not your concern.

Open the box!

also all the OP said was that it was more than £40k a year. It could be £250k, in which case, £490 a month is not a lot.

Whose fault is it that he wouldn't recognise his son if he saw him in the street? Certainly not yours (as you have been hoping for the last 8 years that he will show an interest). Certainly not your DS's (as he cries and asks about his father). It is his fault. He was initially excited about being a father, then decided he could not face up to it and left. His fault.

You say your life / career came to a standstill when DS was born, also a long time ago. Think (if you will) of the income and opportunities you've missed out on since then through being a lone parent - I bet it's one hell of a lot more than £6K a year. You say you "certainly could not afford to pay it if the shoe were on the other foot", but you have been paying it, year after year after year, in what you've had to pay out for your son's needs and in the compromises you've had to make to enable you to look after him. You're imagining taking the money off the disposable income you have now, but the proper comparison is taking it off the disposable income you would have had after eight years of living a childfree lifestyle with no real responsibilities.

Oh and he is so pretending a vague interest in his son now in order to trick you into going for his "private arrangement" plan. Agree for him to pay a reduced amount outside the CSA and his interest will disappear along with the money he owes, which I would confidently bet you won't see. You know he's prepared to lie to the government in an attempt to get out of supporting his son; he's hardly going to be put off lying to you.

Gah! How did he make a mistake? Stop thinking like this.

Is the #500 included backpay?

Ditto what the Prof's just said