To accept this huge amount of money??

[RaspberrySheep]

I have been a long time lurker but could really do with the opinions of the MN Jury. Please help!!

Just after my dad died suddenly in 2001, I discovered I was pregnant. It was unexpected to say the least, but my partner was excited about it and we decided that we would have the baby. My partner became increasingly distant and when I was four and a half months pregnant he gave me the ?it?s the baby or me ultimatum.? He told me that he could not face up to being a father and he left. He encouraged me to have a late termination, but I didn?t want this, not only because I was still grieving for my dad but because I had fallen in love with my baby.

He made it clear to me that he did not want to have anything to do with the baby but I always hoped that he would change his mind. My little boy is now 8 and has changed my life for the better. It has not been straightforward as my DS has Dyspraxia but as with all mums, I am his biggest fan!

I have always worked fulltime to support DS, however in 2003, I was made redundant and was unemployed for three months. During this time I needed to claim benefits and the Benefits Agency subsequently contacted the CSA to chase DS?s father for some kind of support for DS. (His father had not paid anything towards his upkeep until then).

My DS was awarded £184 a month and has received this amount every month from his father ever since.

I recently contacted the CSA and discovered that DS?s father had declared to them that he was earning £15k a year. He holds a senior position at a company and has always earned more than £40k per annum. The CSA offered to review the payment and have now come up with a new award of £500 per month.

My problem with this is ? do I accept the money? DS?s father is very affluent and has been able to ?move on? with his life after leaving us. He has married and has a great job. However my life / career came to a standstill when DS was born. DS has everything he needs, but he has never been on holiday and I could not afford to buy a car or any other ?luxuries? for him. When DS?s father found out about the huge increase in award, he was furious and has now contacted me to ask me to consider setting up an arrangement with him directly, so that the CSA are not involved at all.

My friend (who is keeping an eye on this thread) nearly choked on her sandwich when I suggested that this is what I may do. She?s right, he is totally unreliable, he has never shown an interest in DS, never sent him a Birthday or Christmas card, once (the only time) when DS contacted him, he hung up. Not forgetting that he has been paying well under what he should have been for the past 5 years. However, I just can not get out of my head the guilt of taking so much money from him, when he made it clear at the start that DS was not welcome in his life and I decided to go it alone. I wish I could tell him where to put the money, but the truth is that I need it to be able to pay the bills.

What do you think??

I would take the money too. Your ex sounds like a right charmer and I cannot see why you have anything to feel guilty about. But if you do still feel guilty, I would advise you to put the money in a separate bank account to pay for your son's college education or for a deposit on his first home.

Why does he want a private arrangement? So he doesn't have to tell you when his wage increases??

Take the money and consider yourself very charitable for not suing him for the money he lied about having throughout his career.

Definately go through the CSA and definately take the money!! Your son is entitled to it!

Why feel guilty...your ex obviously hasn't felt guilty about NOT supporting your son in the past.

Callisto - you can't prove intent. So you can only go by actions.

During this time I needed to claim benefits

Take the money. If you don't the taxpayer will be supplementing a child whose father is perfectly able to support him. No brainer.

Definitely take it. As with slhilly, the father is an adult and presumably knows the risks of having sex. I agree that there is no real moral dilemma here.

"You made the decision to have your son" - he is not just YOUR son, and his father has a responsibility whether he likes it or not.

And definitely do not make a private agreement.

Accept the money. He made the baby too, and he needs to fulfill his responsibility. Your son deserves it. Continue through the courts, not a private settlement.
Good luck!

Callisto I would have been more in agreement with you but when the OP announced she was pregnant he was completely up for it and then changed his mind.

If he had said right away ' I don't want kids now or ever ' or when she fell pregnant that he wanted her to terminate and she then said no I might have had more sympathy.

However, he didn't he's got way with paying a pittance for months so he should pay the higher amount.

OP you must take the money, he's got away lightly for years so this balance should be resolved.

Yes, the CSA must be involved in case he stops paying.

It isn't a huge amount of money. To him.

Its your sons rightful money and therefore, IMO, not yours to accept or decline. Just saying that so you don't need to feel any guilt!

Take the money - even if you just stick it all in the bank to pay for your son's Uni.

Keep it through CSA also - he sounds like he changes his mind a lot and no woman should have to beg or connive to get money for their child from that childs father. Keep the money and your dignity and go with the CSA.

Good luck!

Stick with the CSA definately and take the money. It's for your son.

And if you don't go through the CSA the money would be less?

Keep CSA involved. He's already shirked responsibility. Take the money the CSA deem your son is entitled to.

I would warn against taking the payment outside of the CSA, I cant see how you could do this without some fibbing on your part. Then he could fail to pay, afterall he is known to change his mind.

If you need the money, then you should accept it, afterall what did you thik would happen when you got it looked at again?

Take the money! It is for your child and his upbringing, especially with his problems I assume you need extra support. Do not do any sort of private arrangement, keep it through the CSA. You want to do the best by your child - you are his biggest fan, remember? - so make sure you do the best by him by doing this.

Also, if he is now married, if he started a family with his wife, then she would probably not want money going to your son. You want to protect your son's future.

Of course you should accept the money! And don't, ever, no matter what, stop going through the CSA.

If you feel you don't need to spend all the money, save it in a trusy account for your son.

Ì'd take the money and try to get him to pay what he should have been paying for the last 5 years, get the CSA to sue him or something.

Thanks for all your posts, which are very much appreciated. My friend is glowing in her wisdom at all the 'Take the Money' responses, which is what she believes I should do.

Just to clarify that DS's father married a lady slightly older than him and she has two grown up children, so the money will not be taken out of any other children's pockets so to speak, but it is very hard as he is telling me that they may lose their home if they can not afford to keep up the CSA payments. Blackmail - but it is working. I don't know how I can live with myself knowing I had put somebody else through that. Lame I know!

"he made it clear at the start that DS was not welcome in his life and I decided to go it alone."

No he didn't. He only made this clear once you were already four and a half months pregnant. He chose to sleep with you AND he agreed at the start of the pregnancy (when you might perhaps have made a different decision) to continue with it. He is just as responsible for your son's existence as you are.

Think of it this way. If you don't take the money, you may well end up claiming more benefits from the state. Is it right that the taxpayer funds your child rather than his own father?

Take the money. And (if he's a decent enough person) encourage him to see his son sometimes.

Had he said from Day 1 - "i do not want us to have this child" i'd say maybe cut him some slack. But he didn't!! he agreed! and not til the little f*cker grew a pair at 4months and told you what he was really thinking did you realise the truth! 4months is very late to terminate and a horrible request to make of a lady, there isa bump, a baby, a viable pregnancy. I'd take the £500 per month and enjoy spending it on your gorgeous son, treat him to a full life, travel, treats, sport, theatre, whatever he enjoys!

hmmm, i see this in two ways - my dd is 18, i was married to her father, he was happy and seemed to love being a dad, HOWEVER, he left us when she was 16 months old and i have never recieved a penny from him (i claimed benefits for 3 years, and believe me, i have since payed back every penny in taxes that i took in a time of emergency!) now, at the last count my ex owed me, according to the csa calulation, £180,095! - on the one hand i would love to chase him for this money, my god it would come in handy!, on the other hand, i know that i have the moral highgound FOREVER!, i have worked fucking hard, i have supported my dd, and i dont owe anyone a bloody thing! (apart from some bloke called barcleycard who sends me a love letter every month! )so, i guess i think,

all the time he is not paying the correct amount etc, he can have no influence in your childs life, he has no moral right to see the child, no moral right to ever question your parenting style, no moral right to try and dictate where you live, iyswim? my dd has built a fantastic relationship with her step-father, there is no outside interferance and we run our lives how we wish!, she has always known the truth of the situation and has decided (very much HER decsion i might add), that her father is not worth bothering with!

i wish you the very best of luck with your decision, fwiw, i think its a very hard one to call and not totally about money!

This is what the CSA are for - to determine how much money he should give you to help raise your child.

Take the money. Use the CSA.

take the money, through the CSA. If he hadn't lied in the first place, that's what he'd be paying for years. If he's gone onto have other responsiblities and lifestyle, he'd done this by denying his child the money his child is entitled too.

If you don't need to use all the money on a day-to-day basis, save it, i'm sure your ex isn't the sort of person who'll offer to pay for your DS to go to uni, or give him any support in later life, worth making sure you have some savings to cover this. (Plus, if you are able to live beneath your means it's always a good thing, that way if your ex lost his job and the money stopped/dropped you wouldn't struggle to cope)

btw, sod the sob story!, his wifes children are not your responsibility!, perhaps he should have thought of the financial implications before he took on another family!, god alive that makes me cross!

take the money.

Stick with the CSA. If anything happens and you need to claim nbenefiots again then you'll want everything straightforward and above board.