to suddenly change what my dd is eating?

[Gelflyng]

My little girl (9), is fat. It hit me quite suddenly, when she went back to school and I saw her amongst her classmates. We have had letters from school, her Dr has gently said stuff to me but I have never 'seen' it before, just thought "oh it is baby fat". But it's not.

I feel dreadful about it. I am a single mum and I was giving her the same amount to eat as I was having (I am overweight though not very - but adult portions are too big for children). This has been going on since she was tiny so she has gotten used to it. She has a big meal at school then a big meal with me.

We always ate reasonably healthily though I did have unhealthy snacks around. But massive portions. I have been trying to cut our portions or have sandwiches/something light (saying that our main meal is lunch now), but she sometimes cries saying she is hungry. She won't snack on the fruit/veg I offer - to be fair our house used to be full of crisps etc so I can understand she is bewildered.

I have managed not to say anything specific about this change, but it is a big and sudden change - does anyone have any suggestions about how I can explain it? I don't want to make it about size and I worry that if I make it about 'health' she will instantly make the connection. Her school has done some very damaging (IMO), work in lessons linking health with fat.

I am disabled so it is difficult to be active with her but I have enrolled her in karate and have a bike from freecycle I will be taking her out on.

Am I trying to do too much in too short a time? Am I being mean? I am probably projecting my own unhappy childhood on her - I was a fat kid and teased about it. I do not want her to lose weight but I do want her to stop gaining so quickly and get used to smaller/lighter meals at home and more activity.

AIBU to be doing this?

It does sound as if you need to make changes - so well done for making a start. It will be hard for her to get used to at first, but think about the long term benefits -you will have a DD who will be healthier, fitter, won't get teased or bullied because of her weight and hopefully who will have developed good eating habits and a healthy relationship with food.

It will take a while for her appetite and her taste for high sugar and/or high fat foods to change. When I started losing weight, I didn't diet by cutting any foods out iyswim, I just ate fewer calories and I was hungry initially. But my body soon adjusted to eating fewer calories and my appetite became smaller. And I didn't crave sweet things in the way I did.

Not buying crisps and junk is a really positive start so stick to your guns there. Maybe start doing some home baking and get her involved, talking to her about ingredients and what's good for you and what's not. So not 'health' in the sense of low fat/losing weight but health in the sense of the benefits of food that's made from scratch, using fewer processed ingredients, talking to her about trans-fats and so on.

DS has a cooked lunch at school and he knows that his evening meal is a different thing on toast each night with a big bowl of fruit and veg and a yoghurt! So egg, beans, cheese, tuna or a big bowl of homemade soup.

He is quite happy in that routine. Every Saturday we have 'TV dinner' in front of Merlin or something and he can have hot dogs or pizza or something like that. It is his weekend treat and he really looks forward to it. Can you introduce a special meal like that for her and let her choose what she would fancy for just that meal?

Sorry to go on so much!

No it sounds like somethings clicked and you want the best for her. I think you need to do this with her, you can still have a bit of everything so don't worry about never seeing a chocolate bar ever again.
I think alot of people think healthy food needs to be salad but there's alot of foods and recipes that are filling too. I've found weightwatchers to be great for recipes and general support, could you go while dd is in karate or find a sitter?
I think it's great that you want to do something about this, I know it might not be easy but when se kicks off just go away from her a couple of minutes and think 'i am doing this so she will e happier when she's older'

If you want to talk to her about it. Just say to her that you've decided you all need to eat more healthily so you are dropping the salty/sugary snacks and replacing it with fruit as it will make you all feel better.

Well done for starting in the first place. It is hard for you to realise your DD is overweight, but you are doing her a huge favour.

Sounds like you're in a difficult situation, but well done for realising you can help your daughter and doing something about it! Most important step really.

I would go talk to your doctor, it can be bad to suddenly change a diet, and they can probably give you some advice.

Tbh (and I'm not a professional or even a mother) I would think lunch being the main meal would be difficult. If she is exhausted when she gets in from school she'll probably want more in the evening.

What do you eat? She's bound to be confused if you're still snacking. If you eat an apple and offer her one she might get the idea! Or introduce fun fruits she's never tried before. It might also be possible to give her a healthy snack that isn't just fruit (fruit isn't always filling) like a couple of rice cakes with a healthy topping? Again, a doctor might be able to advise.

I know you don't want to tell her she's fat, ofc, but at 9, is it worth saying something gentle like 'I want us to eat more healthily'. Surely some kind of reason is better than no reason at all? Or maybe you could explain that crisps are expensive and fruit is cheaper, so you're saving the money for a treat?

So: YANBU, ofc you're not, but you've realised it's difficult and might be a shock to your daughter.

YANBU, I truly understand where you are coming from because my 5 year old son is like this. He is the biggest in his class and just cannot seem to stop eating. I have always had the odd crisps here and there but with my DS it's more that he is eating too much of healthy food. He loves things like muesli, jacket potato etc and I am concious about saturated fat levels in food and am watchful of this but it seems to be the portion sizes. I have explained to him that if he continues wanting to eat all the time then he will become fat. I do not think you are doing too much but agree that it is quite hard to enforce all of this without making the child feel as if you are branding them fat.

You have mentioned that you are disabled and will not be able to participate much in activities - have you thought about enrolling her on the MEND programme. You attend twice a week and they incorporate a range of activities for children and teach them about eating healthily and portion sizes. If you google you will find their contact number and they can place her in a programme near you.

It's good that you have identified the issue and are taking measures to minimise any more weight gain. My DS now does football three times a week, PE and swimming as well. I have also booked an appointment with a dietician for further help

It won't help if she is hungry, it's possible to give filling meals that are healthy. My DS's eat very, very large portions and snack quite abit in between, but it is mainly healthy things. I only have crisps in the house occasionally and make all my own biscuits/cakes with lower sugar content. But they are still seen as treats as opposed to snacks. Snacks in our house are things like fruit, veg sticks, maybe a yoghurt or piece of cheese.

Maybe concentrating on healthy, low fat meals, healthy snacks and finding more outdoors activities to do would be enough for your daughter? If nothing else, she will get fitter and healthier.

Yeah the problem is quantity. When I was working we did share ready meals (the type for two people), but now we usually have homecooked food - spag bol, meatballs, I make a great thai green curry, roast chicken and veg. But the amounts I have been feeding her have been adult portions - large adult portions. I can't believe I didn't realise before, I guess I thought that because she ate it she needed it?

I have looked at the MEND programme but am not sure she might feel more self-conscious? So far she seems blissfully unaware of the difference between her and her classmates and I really want to keep that innocence.

I filled the house with fruit and yogurts and carrots (for carrot sticks), etc - she has always eaten the occasional piece of fruit but now that's all there is she is complaining.

We cook together at weekends, I will try to involve her even more and getting her to choose the meal is a great idea.

But she's 9, you know? It's been the way it was for her whole life (was always just the two of us) - big meals, puddings.

I don't want to give her a complex but I know I need to do something.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

Just for an example, this week we have had homemade lasagne, homemade soup and a roll, baked potato with baked beans and broccoli and tonight is going to be fishfingers with peas.

That's all fairly usual. But I have decreased the portions and before there would be a snack (bowl of cereal, sandwich, crisps), when she came home from school and there would be a pudding of some sort (muller crunch corner, slice of cake), after dinner and sometimes a snack before bed like a piece of toast.

I've been offering fruit and veg as snacks and she's been refusing then saying she is starving. It is a big change for her. I feel awful, poor girl.

If she really is hungry she will eat the fruit and veg.

You have taken a huge step, so well done.

I wouldn't cut out puddings, she might feel like she's being punished! Surely a healthy yoghurt isn't that bad for her? Or an interesting fruit like strawberries? My nephew will happily eat a banana for pudding, once she stops being used to sugar she may realise that fruit tastes good too.

Plain fruit and veg and snacks probably aren't too appealing, and aren't always filling.

What about:
Rice cakes with various toppings
Vegetables with a dip (carrot sticks etc)
Popcorn - usually reasonably low in calories
Vegetable kebabs - lovely when grilled
Nuts, seeds and raisins

Well that is what I have done Skyrg, she's being offered fruit or a plain (flavoured but nothing added), yogurt. She eats it then says she is starvinv later on.

Have tried crudites and hummus which she used to eat and she said no. Rice cakes might be an idea but again it's quantities. I'd rather she just didn't snack after dinner - is that unrealistic? We eat around 6.30/7pm and she goes to bed at 8.30 so I can't see how she is hungry again - I think it's just habit. But maybe that's not right?

I would definitely stick to your guns. High fat/high sugar foods are addictive so once she might crave them at first, but she will get used to not having them quite soon.

What you are doing is really impressive and she will thank you in the long run when as a teenager she can wear what all her mates are wearing and look as good as them.

You're probably right, it sounds like habit. One and a half hours without food isn't unrealistic at all. Could you delay pudding until, say, half an hour after she's eaten? Then she might appreciate it more and it might hold off hunger.

I don't know why I am commenting really, I am a pig! .

Well done you for doing this.

I read somewhere that most parents of fat children really don't see it. Often desribing their kids as 'podgy' or 'tubby'.

I really do believe tht the key is exercise. My kids eat more than your DD and are skinny. But they do elite sports so probably need it.
If you up her exercise and gently cut back her portions, you will really see the difference.

I am a snacker, always have been (especially now I am at home all the time).

Exercise is really important - but I am still working out what we can do, I am quite immobile. Will try swimming on the weekend but it'll just be bobbing around in the pool, can't really get her doing lengths without me doing the same. I'll keep thinking (and any suggestions welcome!)

I don't have a car which makes after school activities tricky - karate is walkable. But she already says she hates it because it's too difficult. I am so ashamed for letting it go this far.

YANBU, you are doing the right thing by confronting the issue and not ignoring it.

it will be hard but remember you are seeming to be mean because you love her and you want her to be healthy.

If you have reduced portion sizes quite drastically, then maybe she is hungry again before bed?

When you say 'fishfingers and peas' for dinner, is that all you have, no potato choice? My kids would be flipping starving!

I think you're doing the right thing by making changes, but I know myself (I am used to huge portions) that if I try to cut down the amount I eat, I get really hungry. If I change the type of foods I eat, but npt portion sizes, I don't get hungry but do lose weight.

I know you don't want to put her ona diet as such, but why not look at something like the Slimming World plan and base your food choices on that? You can eat as much as you like of certain foods and it's encourages a healthy, balanced diet.

(my DS, aged 9, has had a lazy dinner tonight of two jacket potatoes, a whole tin of beans and cheese, plus some cherry tomatoes and he is standing right next to me now practically begging for more to eat. He eats like this every day and is a right skinny minnie!)

Are there no swimming lessons she can go to? What is she interested in? Does she have any friends or relatives who can take her to the park to play football or something, or a park near enough that she can go alone?

I will ask her dad to take her to an activity, he sees her every other weekend and one weekday evening fortnightly.

midori, is your DS active? What does he eat at school? DD's headteacher took me aside to talk about the way she was eating at lunch last term (basically going back for seconds, thirds, spending the whole of lunchtime in the lunch hall eating). That was before I changed what I was feeding her too.

She had two pieces of bread with her fishfingers and peas - fishfinger sandwiches

Can you send a packed lunch? School lunches are rarely as healthy as they could be.

Problem with most lessons etc is the money and getting her there. I will keep trying.

She is interested in playing her DS, reading books - she has friends at school but they don't often invite her round and she rarely wants to invite them over. Perhaps she is embarrassed about me (am on crutches/in a chair a lot of the time), trying not to think about that too hard just at the moment.

Gelflyng, just to say, whenever we enter a shopping centre my skinnymalink ds3 instantly says "I'm hungry"

He doesn't actually mean he is hungry, what he means is "I want to go to MacDonalds/BB's/Starbucks and get a Happy Meal/Muffin/Choc chip cookie"

Do you drive or walk to school? Is there a Tae Kwon Do club locally she could go to?

I assume as a single non workign parent you get free school lunches. Is it possiblwe for them to make a 'packed lunch option' for her? My dd's school offer this, you hand in a lunchbox in the morning and they fill it in. I know I would struggle without the free school meals so this might be an option.

I meant to add, that as a family on a low income my dd is eligable for £300 of funding for extra curricular activities a year. Is that scheme running in your area? I didn't uzse it last yera but am hoping to enroll her in swimming lessons this year.
fwiw, I think exercise is key, though obviously if she is goign for thirds etc then portion sizes are probably as issue too. I don't drive so my dd walks miles every weekend with me. She is used to it, but the children used to being driven would struggle. My dd is average sized, but I know if I ever did get a car, we would have to make a conscious effort to do more exercise as it would make a big difference.