to suddenly change what my dd is eating?

[Gelflyng]

My little girl (9), is fat. It hit me quite suddenly, when she went back to school and I saw her amongst her classmates. We have had letters from school, her Dr has gently said stuff to me but I have never 'seen' it before, just thought "oh it is baby fat". But it's not.

I feel dreadful about it. I am a single mum and I was giving her the same amount to eat as I was having (I am overweight though not very - but adult portions are too big for children). This has been going on since she was tiny so she has gotten used to it. She has a big meal at school then a big meal with me.

We always ate reasonably healthily though I did have unhealthy snacks around. But massive portions. I have been trying to cut our portions or have sandwiches/something light (saying that our main meal is lunch now), but she sometimes cries saying she is hungry. She won't snack on the fruit/veg I offer - to be fair our house used to be full of crisps etc so I can understand she is bewildered.

I have managed not to say anything specific about this change, but it is a big and sudden change - does anyone have any suggestions about how I can explain it? I don't want to make it about size and I worry that if I make it about 'health' she will instantly make the connection. Her school has done some very damaging (IMO), work in lessons linking health with fat.

I am disabled so it is difficult to be active with her but I have enrolled her in karate and have a bike from freecycle I will be taking her out on.

Am I trying to do too much in too short a time? Am I being mean? I am probably projecting my own unhappy childhood on her - I was a fat kid and teased about it. I do not want her to lose weight but I do want her to stop gaining so quickly and get used to smaller/lighter meals at home and more activity.

AIBU to be doing this?

In answer to your question about telling her why you have different portion sizes. What we do is say in a low key way (for example) is that yes, daddy/mummy has got more, but daddy is an adult and needs a bigger portion. Also I say (truthfully) that while the dcs have a mid afternoon snack dh and I don't.

I understand it is difficult, but I would suggest that there are easier wins to be had getting her excited about sports, than about focussing on less food. I'm thinking somehting that will stoke her competitive streak!

I was a pretty plump kid. However, i found when I exercised, it reduced my appetite, especially for greasy 'junk'. It moved me onto a more 'wholesome fuel' attitude to food. I also didn't like the feeling of belly fat wobblign around me as I ran, so I started losing weight 'for me', in order to improve my comfort and performance at sport. Tbh, I would have rebelled against feeling manipulated into weight loss (I recall a memorable meal at friends of the family, where me asking for a second portion of pudding triggered a row in the host family as to whether I needed to be rescued from myself and prevented from having it. Very embarassing).

When I left home & big home dinners, I kept on with the exercise habit (I played football twice a week), and I actually became reasonably fit.

have a look at the eatwell website - official Food Standards Agency advice on nutrition including guidance on meals for children, portion sizes and all that. Think it's eatwell.gov.uk.

Good luck!

"midori, is your DS active? What does he eat at school? DD's headteacher took me aside to talk about the way she was eating at lunch last term (basically going back for seconds, thirds, spending the whole of lunchtime in the lunch hall eating). That was before I changed what I was feeding her too."

He is fairly active, but not as active as the older DS has always been. He goes to Youth club twice a week, once of that is usually swimming and once running about a lot during the session. We do walk to the school bus and back most days, about 15 mins brisk walking each way. Walk at weekends too, but that's it really, he doesn't play out with his friends very much.

He has packed lunches at school, usually a sandwich, filled pitta bread or something. Plus a smoothie or fruit juice to drink, a piece of fruit, a yoghurt and then something like carrot sticks, baby tomatoes, cucumber sticks, piece of cheese or occasionally a chese string and very, very occasionally a chocolate biscuit or packet of crisps.

He asked for a snack before bed about an hour ago, so not long after dinner. He didn't want fruit, but a biscuit, but I said no, but if he was really hungry he could have some toast or a bagel with cream cheese. He had two slices of 'bread and butter folded' (what he calls it).

I swear they are bottomless pits. Older DS is more active, but eats portions bigger than most adults. He will also ask for something to eat at 9 or 10pm and have something like a sandwich or beans on toast or something.

I was about your daughter's age when I was allowed a puppy - had to be walked by me twice daily, and because we had bicycles, used lots of energy out with friends.
I know these cost extra, but were great fun!

I think you are doing really well to realise and act on this. Your DD will thank you for it later in life and will live longer and be healthier.

The only other thing I can think of is that I'm sure the recommended activity levels for children are at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity five times a week. So with 2 days off, say 20 mins a day brisk walking to and from school, that's still another 40 mins worth of activity per day. It can be anything not necessarily sport, dancing, skipping, swimming etc and she is probably doing some active playing, PE etc at school, but as girls get older they tend to become less and less physically active unless they are already 'sporty'. So I guess what I'm saying is that you are right to be encouraging her to try new activities, as I'm sure she'll find something she likes that she can continue with into her teens and beyond that can really be part of her life. Our local authority does programmes of supported activity aimed at helping families like yours, which will give you some support as a disabled single mum, I don't know if there's anything like that in your area, or some events you can sign DD up to at your leisure centre that can provide some 'tasters' for her?

I think making it more about a healthy lifestyle will make the food less of a concern iyswim?

Your better doing it now than when she notice herself dd1 was a size 14 and 10 and a half stone at 12 I didn't notice anything wrong as I was overweight at the time she lost it by starving herself and getting her friends to lie for her.
I've since lost just over 5 stone and never looked back.
Have likes of hard boiled eggs, cous cous, mullerlight yoghurt's [not the layered ones] alpen light cereal bars in for snacks.
Watch cereal portion sizes an actual portion is only 28g top it with either banana or berries.

If she doesn't like sport, how about sticking some music on and having a boogie round the living room? She'll exercise without even realising it then. At 9 she must be the right age to want to make up dance routines that she could show you. I hated sport at school but would dance for ages at home!

Your poor DD, well done you for recognising it. My only suggestion is a nice minestrone or lentil soup. Both are filling and tasty and not fatty. Home made soup is great, cheap and nutritious, DD often takes a flask of it into school to go with her lunch.
I am astonished that her school 'allowed' her to eat as much as you describe, my DD's school only allows one visit to their, frankly, poor menu.

Assuming your DD started back at school in early September, you have only been tackling the problem for 3 weeks! So it's early days. Experts say it takes at least 6 weeks to embed new habits.

I don't really know whether you should adopt the healthy eating mantra to explain your changed eating habits to your DD. I think labelling foods good/bad/healthy/unhealthy is a bad idea as it can set up feelings of guilt and also very rigid thinking around what people should/shouldn't eat. It leads to ludicrous situations too, like schools labelling cheese sandwiches as too high in fat!

Your DD will adjust to the new smaller portion sizes, especially if you are adjusting your own eating. Perhaps distracting her with an activity timed to coincide with her hungriest times would work? A story/dvd/game?

Hi Gelflyng,

I read your post and wanted to say that we have been where you are and got through!

When DD1 was around 9 we realised that she was getting big especially compared to her class mates. Before we did anything we looked closely (very closely) at her diet and realised that her problem was a mix of too big portions and drinks which were described as no added sugar but were in fact full of calories.

We talked with her and explained that she was only to have one glass of her favourite drink with a meal and then other drinks would be water. We gradually cut down on portion size without her noticing. The weight very quickly came off. Now (six years later) she is a very attractive 15 year old with a healthy figure I would cheerfully kill for.

So it can be done! You are tackling it at the right time before eating habits are embedded in cement.

Exercise - this doesnt have to be under the banner 'sport'. Any activity you walk to and run around at is excellent exercise - Brownies, St John's ambulance, Red Cross etc. These are all really good and will get your DD busy without having an opportunity to eat or even think about food.

It's early days so keep up the good work. Recognising the problem is the first and most important step to solving it.

Well done!

I would reduce portion size a little at a time (plate idea is great too). The other thing is trying to distract her at the end of the meal, so she doesn't immediately want more food after her first helping.

Well done on you for trying to break the big portions thing so early. My brother got into the habit of eating enormous portions as a comfort thing in his early teens and it took him until over 50 (with blood pressure scares and a new determined partner) to break the habit and make him cut down. I do so wish it could have been done earlier for him. It wasn't really about him eating unhealthily- he's a good cook- it was the portions that were the problem. His stomach capacity had got to the point where he could have a big meal, then drop in on friends who were having theirs and sit down and have another one, without feeling sick.

You seem to have very sensible ideas, so I'm sure you will manage this.

Well done for recognising something needed to be done but not making a big fuss about it.

I would gradually cut down portion size over the period of a couple of weeks.

I would also snack on carrots etc yourself if needed to show her that you're happy with it.

Good luck, she will get it eventually but you need to stick with it.

You sound like you are doing a great job in trying to help your daughter. However At 9 years old she need to grow into her correct weight rather than lose weight and it does sound like you have been a bit drastic in the changes.

I know it is a really hard balance but being over restrictive is not the answer. It is tempting to see this as something you caused so therefore as something you can fix but you really need your daughter on board in order to fix this. You really cant do it without her wanting to. She is no longer a toddler and you wont have complete control over her food for very much longer

I think you probably need a more gradual approach. From what you have said she had a lot of snacks after school etc. Most people who have the ability to eat enough at a meal dont need any snacks and if they do eat them they tend to be overweight. So I would do what you are doing with regard to snacks .ie. cut them out as much as possible. If she is hungry between meals she can have a piece of fruit or a yoghurt but that is it.

However for her meals I would work on helping her to control her own eating.

At meals I would give her a small portion on her plate to start but say that she can have more if she wants it after has has finished and then I would let her have more if she wants it with no comment other than to ask her if she is really hungry or whether she just fancies more food.

I would also at various times talk to her about the different sorts of hunger we have (i.e real hunger vs just wanting something to eat) and that some people have more trouble telling them apart but that everyone can learn to do it. I would however try to let her have some control over what she eats. I would try to keep keep this light and good natured.

I would also offer an after dinner dessert if she hasnt had one at school(homemade or reasonably healthy) so that she is full and satisfied after her meals

It will probably take quite some time but
she needs to learn to not overeat and that is something you can learn together maybe?

The way to do that for her is to listen to her body and to trust herself. If you control the food too much she will get upset and may end up eating in secret as soon as she is old enough to have access to her own food.

i don't know if anyone has mentioned this already, and you've had lots of great advice so far, but have you tried eating earlier? 6.30 is quite late if you've got in from school at say 4pm. Can you have tea ready at 4.30 instead. Cereal, sandwich and drink comes in at, what, about 400 calories. Its likely if she ate her dinner earlier she wouldn't need that extra snack, just have a snack later, say brown toast and peanut butter (non sugar variety). Watch out for low fat foods, good fat (real butter, olive oil) is better than low fat, which also tends to laden with additives. Also if she ate earlier she might feel more inclined to go out to play after tea :-)

What is a portion though?? For example my 7 year old son would have 3 fish fingers, 1 potato waffle, beans and veg. Is this too much or not enough?

I can find advice on things like veg (one cup etc.) or fruit (one apple etc.) but other foods I wonder if I portion size to big

I think a portion is whatever you can hold in your hand. Obviously a child's hand would be smaller and it would be terribly messy to gauge things that way .

a portion of meat or fish is the size of your hand fruit and veg doesn't really matter the more the better

YANBU. I think you're doing exactly what's needed, and being sensitive to your DD's feelings.

I think you sound like a very caring mum. You'll soon get the hang of portion sizes, filling snacks etc with a bit of tweaking as you go. Your DD is sure to show/feel the difference almost immediately.

Gelflyng fantastic to hear you are doing something about your DD's weight (& also yours!)

I wonder if it's helpful for you to see what other children eat ?
My DD is 7 (but is as tall as a 9 yr old) her typical diet is large bowl of porrige (+ tsp sugar & cocoa), glass of water, kiwi or similar.
She has a sandwich, with 2 slices of bread, cheese, marmite, cucumber slices, cherry toms, a yeo valley yogurt stick + portion of fruit, then an apple or pear of on the way home & tea is something like meatballs/tom sauce + yeo valley choc mousse/yogurt/fruit.

We cycle to school & she does gym/swimming/sports after school.

Do you think you might be overthinking all the explaining & perhaps just start by introducing smaller portions of healthy food.

I also agree that it might be worth moving tea to an earlier time...around 5pm

IAPJJLPJ my DD eats 4 fish fingers, boiled potatoes, broccoli & carrots

Just another thought, I remember when my mum went on a diet when I was about 9. Jacket potatoes instead of chips were the order of the day, along with no biscuits or chocolate & the weight fell off everyone !

mumofthreesweeties just re-read your post, have you thought about reviewing the museli your DS is eating ? most are extremely high in calories for a tiny portion. Something like shredded wheatfruit may be a better alternative, or (a weighed) homemade reduced sugar portion. All the carbs you are mentioning could be raising his blood sugar, causing him to feel hungry.

Also, (if you don't mind me saying...) is it a good idea to tell a wee boy he'll get fat ? do you think he can actually comprehend this ? Surely you serve up the food & can therefore control his portions ?

One more thing...saturated fat.. ? what else are you feeding him ?

Can I just say how I understand what you're going through here OP...I was overweight as a young teen and my Mum went through hell sorting me out...one of the biggest things for me was that I was not drinking enough...so mistaking thirst for hunger...you might try making sure your DD is having plenty of water/dilluted fruit juice...you sound like you are a very sensitive Parent and your DD will be fine with you there to help her.

I had the same problem a year ago with my DS who is now 9.

I found it very hard to cut down his food, he was not eating excessively.

I have greatly increased his exercise, mainly in after school clubs.

He has stayed the same weight for a year but has go 4 or 5 inches taller, and lost 3 inches from his waist.

It is best to try to maintain the weight and let them grow into it.

I found this website helpful www.mendprogramme.org

The best thing for her at this age is to up her exercise quota as much as possible, whilst ensuring that she is eating healthful food- loads of fruit and veg which is bulky without loads of calories of its own. Obviously don't add or let her add any extra fat or sauces beyond what you use to cook it- that way you can control her fat intake, which ideally if you can afford it should be in the form of olive oil or other oils high in omega 3.

Don't worry if she won't eat fruit for snack- snacks aren't necessary. She can go from meal to meal without eating in between. The fruit can be pudding- teamed with plain yoghurt for example.

At 9, unless she's already hitting puberty she should be eating a lot less than you as she will still be quite short.

You're doing all the right things for her. She will not like it, but it's for her long term good.

A thought- if she is very overweight for her age, maybe adding a sport that doesn't stress the joints too much (like swimming or aquaerobics or trampolining) might be an idea.

If she's eating school lunch and you know that they are healthy, could you maybe switch to having something light in the evenings like soup and salad? If you had your main meal at lunchtime as well, you could still eat the same things in the evening and she wouldn't feel singled out. If they're not healthy school lunches, can she have packed instead, so that you have a bit more say in what's going in?

Good luck! She won't like it at first, for sure, but she will be very glad long-term that you did it.

Tinned mandarins in sugar free jelly topped with low fat plain yoghurt is, in fact, a fairly luxurious looking pudding. It also has few calories than a small bag of crisps.

make your carb choices brown rice, brown pasta, or potatoes with their skins on. Carbs do NOT make you fat, it's what you choose to put on them that will make you fat.

A jacket potato should be the size of your own fist. So get her to find potatoes that are her fist sized. A portion of lean protein should be the size of your own palm. So get her to cut the fish, meat, whatever to her own palm (and I'm guessing that would be one egg)

Frylight is fantastic for things like rosted butternut squash, which tastes fantastic but is low in calories.

Don't focus on 'only fruit and vegetables' it's boring and unrealistic. Focus on finding low fat, low calorie replacements for her favourite foods.