to suddenly change what my dd is eating?

[Gelflyng]

My little girl (9), is fat. It hit me quite suddenly, when she went back to school and I saw her amongst her classmates. We have had letters from school, her Dr has gently said stuff to me but I have never 'seen' it before, just thought "oh it is baby fat". But it's not.

I feel dreadful about it. I am a single mum and I was giving her the same amount to eat as I was having (I am overweight though not very - but adult portions are too big for children). This has been going on since she was tiny so she has gotten used to it. She has a big meal at school then a big meal with me.

We always ate reasonably healthily though I did have unhealthy snacks around. But massive portions. I have been trying to cut our portions or have sandwiches/something light (saying that our main meal is lunch now), but she sometimes cries saying she is hungry. She won't snack on the fruit/veg I offer - to be fair our house used to be full of crisps etc so I can understand she is bewildered.

I have managed not to say anything specific about this change, but it is a big and sudden change - does anyone have any suggestions about how I can explain it? I don't want to make it about size and I worry that if I make it about 'health' she will instantly make the connection. Her school has done some very damaging (IMO), work in lessons linking health with fat.

I am disabled so it is difficult to be active with her but I have enrolled her in karate and have a bike from freecycle I will be taking her out on.

Am I trying to do too much in too short a time? Am I being mean? I am probably projecting my own unhappy childhood on her - I was a fat kid and teased about it. I do not want her to lose weight but I do want her to stop gaining so quickly and get used to smaller/lighter meals at home and more activity.

AIBU to be doing this?

Are you struggling with knowing what a portion is, do you think? There are some great books out there for kids healthy eating, with food pyramids and portion sizes. I borrow them from the library or local family centre. Children need a higher amount of carbs than most adults realise.

Well done on what you're doing. YANBU - I wish my DM had done the same for me. It really takes courage to stand firm with a 'hungry' child. Maybe if you 2 have always eaten together she has different connotations to eating? I used to eat more than I needed as I enjoyed the attention of DM making/eating food with me. I said I was hungry but it was often something else. Equally people have difficulty telling hunger from thirst so I'd try & up her fluids too.

chipmonkey, I've just enrolled her in karate, it's the only kids martial arts club locally. Is tae kwon do much better?

We walk to school but it's only a five-ten minute walk.

BooBooGlass we do get free school meals, nobody said anything about a packed lunch option - do you mean they give sandwich, drink etc? I have thought about making packed lunches but the school lunch kids eat in a seperate room and she seems isolated enough already. And I don't want to turn down the free meals. Her school does do that healthy school thing and I check the meal plans and we talk about what she might choose - but she just eats so much of it.

I haven't heard about that scheme, I will look into it. That would be great for her. I wish we could walk everywhere, with us it is the bus usually and we are limited to what we can get to on the one bus route I can walk to. I will ask her dad to help out more, he is able bodied and doesn't live far. He has been quite dismissive so far though (they get takeaways when she is over there but it's only once a fortnight).

Two thoughts - as a 'dieter' myself, I know it takes my body a bit of time to get used to smaller portions but eventually I do! It's important to keep the protein levels up.

However, there are lots of people around who can give you advice on what you could feed her - have you tried chatting to your school nurse? Where I am there are all sorts of classes and support but also have you looked at this website?
www.nhs.uk/change4life/Pages/change-for-life.aspx
finally, one of my most favourite foods is fish finger sandwiches - and it is low fat! (with grilled ff and no butter of course)

PinkieMinx I have been giving her adult portions, it is that simple - generous adult portions. She has been eating the same as me and I am a tall, overweight woman. I have got some child nutriton books out of the library and am finding online resources but it's so new to me, it was literally at the start of term that I started having these thoughts.

You are right, when I was working eating together was the only time we had. She was in the after school club from day one poor kid so it was literally collect her, get home, eat (a readymeal usually), eat some more, then collapse on the sofa in front of the TV. We've had more time together since I stopped work but that is more recent.

Something else is that she has seen me go on diets then break them. I stopped that early on as I didn't want her learning that body hatred rubbish from me or that food was 'bad'. I lost weight when I started making our own food but she kept gaining.

Weight can be such a minefield. I have an eating disorder, but one that I am very 'aware' of iyswim, I don't kid myself that I don't have a problem, and I am getting help for it. My abiding memory of childhood was feelign fat, though looking back I never was. My mother insisted on pointing out my size and saying I had to go on a diet, but continued to feed me far too much food. Completely toxic behaviour.It's good that you have siezed this before she is conscious that there is a problem. Do not bring up the idea of diets. I have to say that even the emphasis on healthy eating worries me, as in the wrong hands a child could obsess. OUr school prides itself on it's 'healthy' school dinners, but tbh chips is an option pretty much every day, and pudding is nearly always stodge with custard.
If the head has pointed her lunchtime behaviour out to you then I think they'd probably support the packed lunch option. It owouldn't be that much trouble for them to do tbh, and I completely understand not wanting to lose the free meals. I was surprised over the summer that I really noticed the cost of havign to feed dd that extra meal every day.

I have recently lost a lot of weight and what worked for me was logging everything on Food Focus, a free website where you can log all your food and exercise and can also enter your own recipes and the proportion you have (both eaten). My major problem it turned out was portion control and it certainly helped me understand where all my calories had been coming from and what 'normal' portions should look like

Also could you try a smaller plate? Perhaps you and DD could choose smaller plates to 'trick' the mind so it feels like you are still having a full plateful?

Well done for tackling it now. It is so hard & i hope you find something which works for you

Well done for recognising that things need to change. The change will be a shock for her but she will get used to it and your palate takes a bit of time to adjust to different foods. I read somewhere that it takes a least 7 days to 'unlearn' a habit.

Is there any exercise she might enjoy?

I have an idea.

Why not go to one of those places wher you can decorate your own plate. You can choose a smaller size plate, let DD decorate it, you could do one too. Then you could use the smaller plates at tea time. If you havent got one of those places, buy a Smart Price dinner set from Asda, because their dinner plates are quite small. I use them for my DCs. You could get some crockery paint and decorate them at home.

It would be harder to give her bigger portions as they wouldnt fit on the plate, but the plate would be full so she wouldnt feel like you were giving her less.

Also why dont you join the change for life campaign. They will give you loads of tips and advice on healthy diets and exersise. If you get very enthusiastic about it so will she.

Shool lunches are very well balanced these days and provide one third of a childs nutritional needs, so dont think she cant have a hot meal at home.

Make sure she drinks some water before eating dinner. Slowly cut her meal size. Cut out puddings or make them healthy (yogurt and fruit). Make sure she still has a treat every now and again.

Have you got a garden? A trampoline is a great way of doing exercise. Do you take her to the park after school? A good power walk and play in the park will boost her exercise without her even realising it.

school lunches

What about breakfast?

If I don't eat a big breakfast (porridge and fruit here) I am hungry all day.

And don't ban anything this is lifelong changes so it's unrealistic.

But don't have chocolate/biscuits/cakes/crisps in the house, just get them occassionbally, and don't make them into a big deal. Don't call them treats/rewards/say 'we deserve this' or any such stuff. Just treat them as you would any apple.

Does she walk to school? Is that a possibility to arrange if not?

and a huge well done it takes a lot of guts to acknowledge and do something about an overweight child.

trampoline is a great idea.

As is walking to do stuff. (If you are able to accompain her, though at 9 presumuably she cann walk to lots of things)

I would take it slowly and do nothing drastic to unsettle her and even if she drops one extra piece of toast a day it'll add up. Reading this whole thread and the idea of fun fruit and carrot sticks sends me into a panic and I don't have weight issues. I think it'd be enough to gradually give her a little bit less without it being obvious and making subtle healthy changes in your own diet like you are with the apples. All the homemade food sounds great and you sound a great and thoughtful mum

Really feel for OP, you are doing the right thing though, try not to feel bad.

Ok, my dc eat like HORSES and we are liberal with treats ie they eat about 80% healthy and the rest is cakes/crisps/chips which I know many won't agree with but whatevs - they are slim and healthy!

Why? Because they do so much exercise. I really think it's the key for young kids.

Mine get their exercise from 3 sporty after school clubs, they both play footie every lunchtime and the older one has joined a team (which is free for those on lesser incomes). If this isn't an option, ask other mum friends or friends or family to take them swimming or play football or cricket or hocky or running races in the park. Is that a possibility?

I think if she is fat at 9 then she is old enough to teach healthy eating to. I understand that you don't want to make her feel bad, but if she's still overweight by the time she's 11 and starts big school then it'll be out of your hands and she'll most likely get a very tough time off the other girls there (sad but possible).

Portion sizes are where its at. She's not hungry when she says she's "starving", its pure habit. I found this when I did weight watchers and eventually my stomach shrank and I found big portions difficult to eat anyway.

What are your portions like, are you cutting down too?

I still really resent the fact my mother did nothing about my weight when I was growing up. As difficult as I'm sure it is for you both right now, you know you are doing the right thing and she'll thank you for it when she's a healthy slim teenager.

Decorating her own plate is a great idea, she'd love that.

We don't ban anything, we bake a cake or make biscuits on Saturday together and will carry on doing that.

She loves porridge and has that or shreddies or weetabix for breakfast. She's always had that so I don't have any worries about breakfast. In the past when I was working it was sugary stuff though.

I really don't want her to feel like I think she is fat or she is on a diet or anything like that. I think that is a sure way to give her massive food issues. But I do need to change how much she eats.

Her school doesn't offer sporty after school clubs apart from football (she refuses to do it, I did suggest it). She's getting a bike as I said and a trampoline is a great idea, we only have a front garden but I could get one of those mini ones, she'd love that.

Problem with sport is she hates it - she says she can't do it (and I suspect because of her size it is more difficult for her than the others), and she's just not used to it. I'll keep trying new things within the confines of what we can get to.

Ban crips and chocolate in the house. If I get my dc a treat, we go to the shop and buy it. I can't have anything nice in the house as I'm greedy.

I agree at 9 she's old enough to know about healthy eating.

I have also cut my portions down yes. It wouldn't be fair otherwise I think as she is so used to us having the same. But now I am thinking about it maybe it would be better to explain that she needs smaller portions as she is a child?

It is so difficult, literally her whole life we have eaten the same amount.

I think you should reduce the portion sizes a bit at a time, rather than do it suddenly. I would be trying to do it so that she didn't notice, so would be replacing crisps/choc bars with sugar free jelly, for example. She will register that she is getting desert, but not think about the fact that it is a much lower calorie one. If I did buy a choc bar, it would be a mini one.

You can slowly make more changes and increase physical activity at the same time. If she is hungry in the evening, then offer fruit/yogurt/veg and dip.

My DS1 went through a phase when he was a bit overweight and this is what we did. He then had a growth spurt as well and is now a tall sporty teen who is the right weight for his height. We didn't mention the word diet or discuss it with him, just made subtle changes.

Don't worry. It's good that you have seen this and are acting to correct it. It will all turn out fine eventually as you are making the right changes now

It must be difficult but really you shouldn't both be having the same portion sizes .. I don't know how to suggest making it happen, but really as a young child she really should be eating less than you.

I think she knows that minibmw

And I was under the impression that the OP had been asking for suggestions and reassurances that she's trying to do the right thing, so what need is there for sarcasm?

You've got some really good advice here from others regarding portion sizes, types of foods, exercise, etc etc, what is considered more "normal" from parents of children who do not have a weight problem etc, and it sounds like you are going to take that all on board which is fab.

The one thing I'm not sure that has been covered on here is this: dont' underestimate the emotional benefit your daughter gets from food.

When she's saying "I'm hungry", like Chipmonkey said, she may well be saying "I want a cookie" or "chocolate" or basically - "I want something nice to eat".

Well, that's normal enough - kids like eating crap. So do many adults. But see if you can spot any patterns. Does she seem to be bored? Upset? Does she do it soon after being told off? After her father was supposed to ring but didn't? Try and just quietly observe her and see if there is a comfort factor, and try and think about what could be causing that or how you could distract, comfort her in other ways, or fill that void if there is one.

Is she drinking enough? When she says she's hungry she might actually be thirsty.

Well done on facing up to the problem. I would say take it slowly. Even if it ales a year to re-train her eating habits it will be worth it.

Sounds like you have some great ideas already. My dd (6) is borderline overweight, so we are keeping an eye on this and there are some great tips here.

We focus more on the "bad for your teeth" message with sweets/biscuits and never mention weight ever to her.

Sometimes it helps with our dd if she has choices. For example, twice a week in her packed lunch she is allowed one treat item (standard bag of crisps or penguin, that type of thing)

Like you, we tend to bake once a week (flapjacks or rock buns, very simple stuff)If she and her little sister have say a flapjack after school then they know that this has replaced pudding. Pudding is then fruit.

For portion control I sometimes buy the big tubs of low fat yogurt (eg yeo valley). I give her a few teaspoons in a little ramekin bowl. So she thinks she has had a yogurt but it's actually more like half.

My dd isn't that keen on fresh fruit but likes dried (but this is obv high in sugar). Sometimes we do our own "homemade" fruit pots which she prefers. (and is cheap) get a big tin of pineapple chunks in juice, or mandarins, and put them in a little pot.

Portion sizes is the big issue in our house too, so I understand where you are coming from.