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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a bit inappropriate or am I being too PC

102 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/09/2010 21:08

I hope this post doesn't seem icky I don't mean it to - I would really like to know what other people think.

Have 3 DCs, DS1 13, DD 11, DS2 8.

Have partners 2 DD's staying pretty regularly aged 3 and 5.

Thing is whenever they come their mum sends them with really short nighties and he never makes them wear any knickers and they play really boisterously and completely innocently with my kids for a few hours whole they are all in their night gear, so everything is on view as it were.

AIBU to feel this isn't appropriate esp for my 13 yr old DS? I have suggested to OH that it might be better if they wore some knickers...or am I being overly concerned about something which is just innocent??

I work in CP so don't know if my judgement is somewhat clouded - hence my post...

OP posts:

StreathamHillary · 17/09/2010 23:11

I do not understand why a 13 yo boy would be embarrassed to see a 5 yo naked.
I do not understand why you would expect him too, and why you would wrry if he has shopwn no signs of being embarrassed.
Unless you suspect that your 13 yo son is being aroused or espcially interested in this naked 5 yo, then I would say do nothing.

And Lovinmybois, I too would be very annoyed if you took it upon yourself to say something like that to my child.

What is HAPPENING, that a 5 yo with no kickers is cause for such a worry?

PixieOnaLeaf · 17/09/2010 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChippingIn · 17/09/2010 23:47

AnxiousLand - you do have quite a lot of hang ups don't you. It might be something you want to talk to someone about.

hairytriangle · 18/09/2010 01:21

Yes I know pointydig so am I. I'd worry if a 13 yo saw a 3 and 5 yo as sexual for sure!

Goblinchild · 18/09/2010 07:10

My teenager has several small female cousins who regularly run around semiclad or nude in the house and sometimes in the garden.
He finds their unselfconsciousness amusing rather than distressing. It's more about the OP than her son.
Have you asked him how he feels about it?

Goblinchild · 18/09/2010 07:13

Can I add how refreshing it is that somewhere there is a parent of girls who is prepared to send them to a house with a teenage boy in it without panicking about the possibility of paedophilia?
It gets a bit wearing after the hundredth OMG!OMG! post.

piscesmoon · 18/09/2010 07:56

It was refreshing to have the voice of common sense Goblinchild! Having had a 13 yr old with very young brothers and cousins I fail to see what all the fuss is about. At that age, even if they have long nighties they tend to peel them off and walk around starkers. My DS was only ever amused by them. The DDs will naturally get to a stage when they are self conscious and cover up-until that day I don't see a problem. I have got a lovely photo of my youngest when he was 3 yrs completely naked except for the laundry basket lid that he was wearing as a hat! My eldest was 13 at the time and found it funny; or are people suggesting that if the youngest was a girl it was inappropriate?
I find it rather odd-I have read whole threads about families and nudity where nearly all posters are totally relaxed about it and suddenly we have posters worried about girls, who are little more than babies,wearing short nighties!

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 18/09/2010 08:01

I wanted to ask if the sexes involved made a difference?

If it was teenage girls and a naked 3 and 5 yr old boy what would the reaction be?

I'm guilty of having a different reaction if I'm honest
Probably be flamed for this admission

I find forums useful for making me confront my stereotypical responses. It's made me think.

piscesmoon · 18/09/2010 08:08

This is a questio I would like the answer too as well VLKS. The DDs mother hasn't a problem with it-I expect she doesn't even see a problem. I used to babysit small DCs as a 16-18 yr old. My DS used to babysit too at that age. Is this an area of inequality? Is my lovely DS suspect merely because he is male?

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 18/09/2010 08:28

People either assume the situation is normal or they think there is an element of risk/inappropriateness present.

If they think the latter do they attribute the risk of inappropriate 'thought' (or whatever!) to the girls or the boys?

When I analyse it like that I'd say the boys are innocent and so is the girl?

Reversing the gender of the children I'd say the same.

So why would my reaction in same situation be to cover the girl up?

I have a belief that teen girls would look on a small boy child in a motherly way but teen boys would look on small girls in a sexual way? Really don't think I think this! but my knee jerk reaction to this situation suggests I do

I think it goes deeper than this. Imagine parenting teen boys...I doubt many parents have to warn them about their clothes on the basis of attracting sexual attention? teen girls? It's tricky!!! before anyone flames me for making girls feel guilty for being sexy... I have 'beautiful teen with fab sexy figure' who modelled herself on images from the media (as 12 yr olds might do...) and it has taken some gentle work to suggest that Jordan/Lady GaGa type clothing is not as lovely as ....oh buggrit can't think of a sexy female but let's say Jennifer Anniston.

It's the same premise of being happy in your skin, loving your shape, not feeling guilty for being attractive but realising what is appropriate and gives you respect. Somehow I think I have to work harder at that with a girl than a boy?

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 18/09/2010 08:30

Shall I put my tin hat on now?

BeehiveBaby · 18/09/2010 08:35

I am quite happy to say 'not everyone want's to see your bottom' to my 2 and 4 year old, whch doesn't seem have made them at all self conscious, they just think other people are a bit odd. I would get a drawer at your house with PJs in, nice to have anyway.

Goblinchild · 18/09/2010 08:36

' Really don't think I think this! but my knee jerk reaction to this situation suggests I do'

Face your prejudice and see it for what it truly is. rather in the way that Black men were regarded as uncontrollable sex machines in the past.

I have two teenagers, one of each sex. feel equally protective of both of them, and feel that they need life-skilling against being exploited, manipulated and seen as sexual beings by the unscrupulous.
My DD is far more capable in this arena than my DS and always will be.

Goblinchild · 18/09/2010 08:37

I have no problem at all with the idea that in
Ladyanonymous' house, knickers or pjs are to be worn by all and sundry.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 18/09/2010 08:52

I am trying to face my prejudice :)

I don't have boys and I suspect if I did have, it would change how I reacted.

My experience was of males being sexually predatory...never a woman. I remember this from when I was a young girl sadly. Rationally I know it was not my fault and not because I skipped around with no knickers on either... and not all males.....but I guess it colours my unconsciousness.

I have a small daughter and she stays with male relatives and I am quite relaxed around them and do not feel they are predatory. I think with males I know, I feel secure but the abstract male that I don't know... I feel less secure.

onceamai · 18/09/2010 08:58

Your house - your rules. End of.

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 09:01

I would just say IMO it is not hygienic so in my house, they wear knickers.

justaboutawinegumoholic · 18/09/2010 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 18/09/2010 09:10

I wouldn't want to see their naked buts, just like I don't want to see babies with no socks when it's not a heat wave.

I woudln't care if my 13yo saw their buts or not,

Buy them some PJ.s. Easy.

ProfYaffle · 18/09/2010 09:26

What a sad thread. My dds (6 and 3) have been naked in front of their 13 yo male cousin and also had several naked beach episodes this year. It just wouldn't occur to me that would be a problem. I'd be furious if someone stepped in and told them to 'cover up sweetheart'.

I'm quite shocked that the consensus is the girls should cover up. Totally agree with Gubbins.

KnittingNora · 18/09/2010 09:26

Is it possible you could get your partner to ask his girls mum to pack either longer nighties or pj's? No offence but why should you be held financially responsible? or am i being un-reasonable?

LynetteScavo · 18/09/2010 09:29

ER..the DH could pay out he is their day!

And why should the OP be financially responsible? They would be a gift if she bought them. Some people do nice things sometimes for small children they spend time with.

justaboutawinegumoholic · 18/09/2010 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnittingNora · 18/09/2010 09:41

I didn't mean to cause offence. I've been in this position where the childs parent got offended when clothing was purchased for the children. It was seen as I was trying to win the childrens affection and make their mum seem bad (I know there's a word for it but it escapes me at the moment)

Lovinmybois · 18/09/2010 10:37

tbqh i was a bit worried that her mother would be pissed off with me too. maybe i was wrong to tell her to cover up. obviously i didn't want to offend anyone at the time.do you think it was my problem? the girl was about 7 & there was a lot of people on the campsite. I would of spoke to the mother first if she would if been close by.

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