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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wear a black dress to a wedding?

118 replies

LisaD1 · 16/09/2010 19:50

I am a big girlBlush and have had a dress picked out for a wedding tomorrow. I NEVER wear dresses and am suddenly feeling really unsure about the one I had been planning on wearing..

so, is it acceptable to wear a black dress with a lilac shrug/bag/fascinator or a silver pashmina, to a plush wedding?

Or AIBU?

Not sure if it makes a difference but the groom is DH's boss and I've never met the bride.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 17/09/2010 12:02

Perfectly fine, esp. with different colour accessories. I know someone who, a few years ago now, made all the guests (as well as bridesmaids) wear blue. The photos were terrible and few people liked their clothes.

So, outfit fine. Plus if you rush out to get a different colour dress, you won't have the shoes/bag/pashmina all in a matching colour, and it gets very expensive (and personally I prefer flattering black dress with colourful accessories, to colourful dress with black accessories which can look a bit harsh).

White or cream at a wedding, I would only wear a cream suit if I had asked the bride and was utterly sure that they were not wearing a cream suit themselves. I think turning up in a white long dress is really unforgiveable.

thespindoctor · 17/09/2010 12:08

I agree with what others have said about wearing bright accessories with your dress. I think it will be fine.

It sounds wonderful, have a lovely day.

tittybangbang · 17/09/2010 12:13

I wore this dress that was a bit like this to my brother's wedding:

here

Wore it with silver high heeled sandals and tiny little shrug. Twas very nice. (I think!)

TessOfTheBurbs · 17/09/2010 12:13

I wouldn't. It's more acceptable nowadays but I still think it's a bit off. I would have internally raised an eyebrow if someone had worn it to mine.

It would be worse though if you were related to the couple. At least with you barely knowing them, nobody can think it's some kind of statement. And at least you've got colourful accessories.

KnackeredCow · 17/09/2010 12:30

I got married in December. A lot of my guests wore black dresses and accesorised them with a colourful pashmina and co-ordinating jewellery, shoes, fascinators / hats and handbags. I think this is completely acceptable and I think you'd be spot-on with the lilac.

Tbh, I hardly noticed what my guests were wearing at the time. The day goes so fast and it was a bit of a blur! I'm sure it is more important for the birde and groom that you attend rather than what you wear, as long as you are dressed appropriately - as some others have said nothing too revealing and stay away from white.

You'll look lovely. Just enjoy Smile

IsabellaSwan · 17/09/2010 15:30

From an "etiquette" perspective you should never wear a black dress to a wedding - black is a funereal colour. Sometimes people do ignore this rule, but TBH I wouldn't. There is a risk that people will assume that you are either ignorant of the proper etiquette or, worse, aware of it and being rude. And I have to say that I do notice when people turn up in black to weddings - and no matter how flattering the dress might be, I just can't see past the colour.

Ephiny · 17/09/2010 15:42

Fine with the lighter coloured accessories, I think, I'm sure you'll look lovely!

I guess it depends a bit on the couple and how much they care about formal etiquette, but most people wouldn't be bothered, and wouldn't want you to have to rush out and buy something new.

I have a dark purple dress which is my standard for weddings and similar (not really a dress/skirt person either so this is pretty much the only one I've got apart from a sundress for hot weather!), I know it's not the same as black but never felt out of place in it. Lots of women wear darker coloured dresses, and men wear dark suits.

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 17/09/2010 15:45

I'm with Isabella - I notice when people wear black to weddings and think it's a no-no, as if they're ignoring, or ignorant of, tradition.

However, I did once wear a white suit to a wedding, with red shoes & bag - the bride was not pleased, so won't be doing that again!

nickelbabe · 17/09/2010 15:45

my sister and her entire family wore black to my wedding.
and 2 of my friends wore it too.

they all looked smashing.
and beautiful/handsome.

nickelbabe · 17/09/2010 15:53

btw - one of my friends wore an off-white dress for my wedding, which i had told her to wear, and obv she knew my dress was green.
however, another person who wore a white lacey dress was the best man's mum. she did not know what colour/style my dress would be and she didn't ask

i was not impressed.

Katuscia · 17/09/2010 16:01

White would be a no-no (never risk upstaging the bride) and I hate to say it, but black is for mourning.

Hmm If it's an evening do, with those lovely bright accessories, you will prob get away with it, but if it's not too late for a plan B, I would try to find one.

Dizzydollybird · 17/09/2010 16:10

Etiquette shmetiquette, that's so old fashioned!

Lots of people wore black to my wedding and I loved it but I was never an 'I want I want I want' bride - only you know what you're walking into but I would wear what makes happy and comfy x

shieldbug · 17/09/2010 16:13

I wore a black dress with white patterns on for my brother's wedding and never even thought that it would be a problem. It looked good on the photos and nobody commented.
Hope you enjoy the wedding; I'm sure you will look fabulous.

Grainger · 17/09/2010 16:15

Black is a staple at most weddings surely?? It is in Ireland anyway, especially for winter or Autumn weddings. I've been to 30-odd weddings in my life (big occassions most of them) and have worn black at last 5 times.

baiyu · 17/09/2010 16:20

Loads of people wore black to my wedding this time last year, I think my MIL was making a statement but everyone else looked fab! YANBU. You'll look great, don't go ask the bride especially if you don't know her, don't fret.

Grainger · 17/09/2010 16:20

Just reading these messages again I'm in shock. I am 31 and have been to a lot of posh weddings and I have NEVER heard of not wearing black!! Maybe it's an English thing? But it's ridiculous. White is a no-no. Fine. But black is gorgeous and so normal.

Wear your black dress and I am totally confident that there will be at least 5 other girls/women in black.

KnackeredCow · 17/09/2010 16:39

As etiquette is defined as the conventional rules of social behaviour; it is also contemporaneous. Although it might have been traditional not to wear black to a wedding in the past, I would certainly say that etiquette has changed and today it is acceptable. Likewise, 30 years ago it was probably seen as bad etiquette for a woman on her second marriage to wear white. I certainly don't think this is now the case.

Etiquette also varies culturally. Black is not the colour of mourning in all societies.

Interestingly, I attended the funeral of my boss' wife recently. She died unexpectedly at a very young age (very early 30s). Mourners were requested to wear pink, her favourite colour. In this instance it would have been bad etiquette to wear black.

I guess what I am trying to say that etiquette is fluid, and perhaps its aim is really to facilitate our ability to feel comfortable at a social event, and to put others at ease.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 17/09/2010 16:40

I wore white to my ex-boss's wedding (evening do) in my defense I was 7 months pregnant, the size of a house and only chose it after several hours looking for a dress and half an hour sobbing in River Island dressing room. Grin

No idea if she did mind No way I was upstaging anyone with the way I looked though!

On the subject of black outfits I think it's fine. My sister got married last week and my mum wore a lovely black and oyster/silver dress. Certainly didnt look like she was dressing for a funeral.

Grainger · 17/09/2010 16:45

The other thing to consider is that clothes have changed a lot since the days when etiquette was so important.

It used to be normal for every woman or girl over 15 or so to wear a normal looking suit to a wedding, whereas dresses and shawls and fascinators are now much more the norm.

A black suit can look somber. A black dress can look amazing.

Headbanger · 17/09/2010 16:45

Anyone who takes offence at the colour of a garment worn on their wedding day deserves to be offended, frankly. I'm sure you'll look smashing :)

cupcakesandbunting · 17/09/2010 16:47

Black is fine. I'm sick to the back teeth of female wedding guests teetering about in awful, mumsy Coast frocks and fascinators.

outnumberedbymyboys · 17/09/2010 16:50

LisaD1- What did you wear? Outfit sounded lovely with the accessories. I have worn black to a wedding with fab contrasting hat (not red!) and had not given it another thought until now!

carriedababi · 17/09/2010 16:53

black is fine, white is not

musicmadness · 17/09/2010 16:54

Go for it, black dresses can look absolutely gorgeous and unless you are appearing complete with mourning veil I don't really see how it can be offensive. This is speaking as someone who is very untraditional and wouldn't be caught dead wearing a white dress at her own wedding though.

onimolap · 17/09/2010 17:01

It all depends on the bride. If she doesn't like black at a celebration, then you will cause offence.

If you know she won't mind (and many of the posters above have indicated that they wouldn't, so you have a fighting chance), then go ahead.

If you don't know, ask.

If you don't know well enough to ask, then play safe and enjoy shopping for a suitable new outfit.