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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my nephew in childcare when he comes to stay

102 replies

skaen · 16/09/2010 11:43

My sister and BIL have been invited to a wedding in New Zealand just before Christmas - BIL is from there and has been asked to be best man. They have a 6 yo son who is lovely but won't finish school until the day before the wedding and will cost a fortune in airfares so they've asked if I can have him to stay for 2 weeks so they can have a bit of a holiday - they'll come back on Christmas eve. That is fine, DN is lovely and I'm happy to have him.

BUT, I'm back at work after M/L next month and won't have enough holiday to take time off to cover DN' stay. DD's school won't finish term until 3 days into his stay and although she's only in reception, I don't want her to miss the last few days if we're not going away. I would also rather use my holiday as much as possible to spend time with my children and DN, rather than DN on his own. DH's holiday year finishes in December and he has absolutely no leave left.

I've spoken to the CM my children go to and she is happy to have DN as well.

My sister is not happy. She is a SAHM and is really annoyed that I would be sending DN to a childminder. She has said she thinks I should take unpaid leave to look after him.

AIBU to say that if she doesn't want DN to go to the childminder she needs to either find someone else to look after him (not easy btw) or not go away?

OP posts:
Myleetlepony · 16/09/2010 11:48

Offer to take unpaid leave, and she can pay you the money you will lose. Cheeky cow.

minibmw2010 · 16/09/2010 11:50

Unless she is willing to pay you the salary you would lose by taking unpaid leave, and considering they don't want to pay the cost of taking him themselves, then she has no argument to make with you putting him with the CM ....

Mowgli1970 · 16/09/2010 11:50

YANBU at all! I think your sister has a cheek to expect you to take unpaid leave whilst looking after dn for 2 weeks!

I would either tell her she must pay you the equivalent of your pay for the unpaid leave you'd take, take dn to the wedding or accept that you're being very generous in taking him for a fortnight!

rpickett · 16/09/2010 11:50

YANBU if she is that concerned could you not ask her to cover your wages for the time off she wants you to take? still cheaper then taking him with her.
If you need to work to earn money to live on it is unfair for her to expect you to take unpaid leave to look after you DN.

BonniePrinceBilly · 16/09/2010 11:52

Tell the cheeky cow to fuck off. If she doesn't want him to go to a childminder how about she doesn't fuck off to the other side of the world on holiday?

LadyBiscuit · 16/09/2010 11:52

YANBU at all. Tell her to get a grip.

Original poster
skaen · 16/09/2010 11:55

Thanks. I was feeling annoyed but didn't know if it was because I was being unreasonable and had been called on it, or because she was.

I don't want to take unpaid leave partly because of the money but mainly because I'll only have been back at work for 2 months and feel like I'm taking the piss a bit.

I'm also likely to need to be able to take unpaid leave next year when my DCs have measles/flu/mumps etc so don't really want to use up all my parental type leave in one go.

At least if she's really cross with me, I can save on christmas presents Wink

OP posts:
TheThingUpstairs · 16/09/2010 11:58

YANBU, your sister is very cheeky! It is very kind of you to have your DN for two weeks.

ronshar · 16/09/2010 11:59

I can understand her reservations. I would have them too as I am personnally unsure of CM. Not disrespect mean to CM's just not sure.

However if your sister wants you to take time off then she should reimburse you the difference.
Will you be able to take the time off without your employer being a bit Hmm about it?

This has the ability to blow up into a massive issue between you, so I would tread carefully if you dont want it to cause trouble.

Good luck!

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 16/09/2010 12:00

YANBU

Tell her she is paying for the CM too. If she doesn't like it then she can take him with her.

Ripeberry · 16/09/2010 12:04

Your sister needs to get her priorities right.
She is a parent and can't 'expect' to be going on a 2 week holiday and assume that others will pick up the slack.

You need to make sure that she pays you for the time your nephew is with you (food, treats ect).
She can't expect you to take unpaid leave, even if she did pay for it, it would annoy your employer.

Is there no-one else in the familly who can help?

LadyBiscuit · 16/09/2010 12:05

Thing is ronshar, the OP is doing her sister a favour. Her sister knows she is finishing ML and that she will be working. It's a bloody cheek to expect her to give up her precious unpaid leave to look after someone else's child. You get 13 weeks in total if you have a child under 5. I have used up about 4 of those already and they are very, very precious, especially if you have more than one child (you don't get 2x 13 weeks if you have more than one child).

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/09/2010 12:06

Reimbursing is not the answer, it's still an impact to the OP's career to take unpaid leave. Employers don't just think it's fine for their staff to work on and off as they feel like, just because it's unpaid. You're salaried for a reason.

OP, your sister and her husband are taking the piss. If they don't want their son at the childminders, then they need to reconsider the holiday, frankly. This is the situation; they can take him to NZ at vast expense, or they can send him to his aunt's house, where he'll spend a few days with a childminder and the rest with his cousin. They're the options. Your sister doesn't get to send him to his aunt's AND dictate terms like this.

It is what it is. You can look after him if he goes to the childminder (I hope his parents are paying for his care, by the way) or you can not look after him. Their call.

mrsjuan · 16/09/2010 12:07

YANBU! You are doing her a favour. It's not as if he's even going to the childminder on his own - I'm sure he'll have a great time

MoralDefective · 16/09/2010 12:08

I just don't 'get' some people....your sister asks for a (big)favour and expects you to foot the bill by taking unpaid leave?....and she gets a nice holiday into the bargain!...mmmmmm

pinkbasket · 16/09/2010 12:09

She should either pay you what you will lose from work or accept what you are proposing and pay for the CM as well as some extra for his food if you will find it tough to cover an extra mouth.

dilemma456 · 16/09/2010 12:14

Either she accepts that you look after him on your terms or you don't look after him at all. Has she any idea what a full time nanny would cost for a fortnight?

Actually I'd like a fortnight off - can I send you my DD? I promise she'll love the novelty of a child minder

Heracles · 16/09/2010 12:16

Ha ha! She has a nerve, hasn't she?? Smile

harassedinherpants · 16/09/2010 12:16

YANBU.

As well as the whole unpaid leave from work and chilminder issue, she also seems to think that your cm isn't acceptable for her child.... that would really annoy me tbh.

I really think she should be accepting your condition of using cm (and she should be paying for it!) or finding someone else. This is huge favour you're doing her!

Original poster
skaen · 16/09/2010 12:18

Thanks all. My sister really doesn't get why I don't want to take unpaid leave - I do have a reasonably flexible job with a very good employer but I am still expected to be there to provide a professional service (I'm a lawyer). I really don't want to mess my employer around any more than I'll have to by working with 2 small children - DS is nearly 1.

DD will be going to the CM's after school and DS will be there during the day so he won't be completely on his own. The CM also has a 8yo son of her own so I think can find things a boy would like to do.

I have another sister and a brother who might be able to help out but neither have children and live some way away. DB is also a student and living in a pit of hell shared house so DN would be sleeping on the floor surrounded by pizza boxes and people playing computer games. BIL's family are in NZ and going to the wedding.

My mum has offered to have a couple of days off but doesn't feel she can cope with full on nephew for more than that. I think all in all we'd be looking at him having 3 days with the CM.

OP posts:
sapphireblue · 16/09/2010 12:19

she is definitely a cheeky cow! She should either make up the shortfall in your salary if you take unpaid leave, or pay for the childminder herself! How can she expect you to lose 2 weeks pay to babysit her child??!

LadyBiscuit · 16/09/2010 12:20

So you're talking about three days but just after school? So a total of about 10 hours with the CM? Blimey - precious, much? (your sister, not you obviously!)

sonotboden · 16/09/2010 12:20

sorry- just tell her you are not allowed to take unpaid leave. this is for genuine emergencies and there is a legal def.

as an employer, if someone told me that, for example, their sister had been stuck down and they needed to look after nephew then i would allow. if they gave me the scenario you described the answer would be no ( and tbh i would question your judgement in asking).

she is being quite mad.

Itsonme · 16/09/2010 12:20

Tell her to pull her finger out of her arse and take HER son on holiday with her! She's his frigging mother and should be including him on a 2 week holiday anyway. What the hell is the world coming to when we need a 2 WEEK break from our own kids. Ridiculous.

I'm not even going to get in to
the whole childcare whilst she is on her holiday thing as it's simply to pathetic to take seriously

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/09/2010 12:29

LadyBiscuit the parental leave is per child. So you get 13 weeks x 2 if you have two children.

(just thought that might be useful to know)