to not have newborn in our room?

[rpickett]

I see on here a lot that people assume that babies are going / should go into their parents room for so long when home from the hospital but is it really nessacery? (sp?)

I planned on putting DC3 straight into a cot in her own room, now before I get flamed her room is next to ours in the sense you have to walk through ours to get into hers and lot of people would say it would probably make a better walk in wardrobe then a bedroom, so she wouldn't be more then 2 meters from my bedside techinically, I just wondered if maybe IBU and should put her in a moses basket right next to the bed instead?

We have a sensor mat alarm for the cot and thought that it would be reasurring enough am I wrong?

My 2 older DC's stayed in our room for the first 6months but that was due to lack of space more then anything else, before we moved last year.

Your DH shouldn't be smoking at all, let alone in a house with several small children living there!

So far as the bedroom issue is concerned, I am amused by the number of people who think that because they had their kids in a separate room and they didn't die of cot death that somehow discredits the statistic evidence that sleeping in a separate room increases the risk of SIDS. Everyone who drives a car whilst pissed won't die in a car crash, some people smoke for 70 years and don't get lung cancer - this doesn't mean that the risk to others is diminished. Surely the average MNer is bright enough to see how pointless their posts about it "not having done my baby any harm" are.

So far as your baby is concerned - its up to you. Its clear that sleeping in a separate room heightens the risk of cot death. Its also clear that having a smoker parent heightens the risk. Its a matter for you and your judgment as a parent as to what you are and are not prepared to do to lower the risk.

'I wonder if this 'sleeping in the same room' is a relatively new concept'

On the contrary, I imagine that sleeping with your baby is very much a primitive thing and this whole having a separate 'nursery' is a relatively new concept.

But having a baby sleeping in a separate room does double the risk of cot death. Bedsharing when all factors are taken into account does not affect the risk at all. Breastfeeding reduces the risk by five times, and co-sleeping has a big effect on breastfeeding rates. So indirectly, co-sleeping is probably the safest thing to do. Don't forget that falling asleep accidentally through tiredness on a sofa or chair with a baby is by far the riskiest thing to do.

But actually Chil1234 is technically correct in saying that babies sleeping in a separate room is one of the lower risk factors.

Babies having their own nurseries is a Victorian concept. We've only slept apart from our babies for the last one, maybe two hundred years? For millennia before that, babies slept with their mothers or their nurses.

TBH nobody knows exactly why babies sleeping in the same room reduces cot death. The CO2 levels and the hearing of breathing, and the lighter sleep are all theories, nothing more. There are now so few cot deaths (thankfully) that it is impossible to study it, so we will never know.

A Victorian concept and one for the affluent classes. Not the majority who slept whole families to one room.

When DC1 was born, I showed my DH the back door and told him that if he didn't stop smoking he aint getting back in it. It worked, and hopefully he will be here for longer now to see our DC!

none of my dc slept in our room.they are hearty & healthy.personal choice do what feels right

and there's another one!
Scottishmummy's baby was ok, therefore yours will be too OP - it makes perfect sense..............

Why deprive yourself of the heaven that is co-sleeping (or putting your baby in a cot right next to your bed)? Why???

I don't understand that either. A precious newborn consigned to the next room. It's beyond my comprehension. To lie there with their tiny warm body pressed up against you, feeling them breathe, hearing them snuffle, being amazed at the brand new life next to you, drinking in their newborn smell. And it's such a short short time, gone in a flash.
The argument is not whether a baby made to sleep alone grows up to be hail and hearty, it's what the newborn sleeping alone misses out on. Why deprive your baby of that comfort?

It's up to you op, but the argument about babies breathing and being near their parents to help them breathe is a very real one. TBH I think they just need to be near you.

And just a word of caution re the nursing chair. It might look all cosy and comfy but it's not. DH put dd in her own room at 6 weeks. I was still BF, he claimed it was because the snuffling and ruffling was keeping "us" up but in actual fact listening out for the monitor to crackle into action was far more disruptive for me so I just lay awake waiting to be woken up.

Also the actual act of getting up out of bed putting slippers and hoody on, going to cot, taking dd out, sitting in chair feeding then ealking back to the cot to re settle her woke me up so much I found it really hard to get back to sleep. And all the disruption often meant she woke when being put back in the cot. PITA. When ds was born I told dh in no uncertain terms he would be in his moses right next to me for as long as possible. So much easier to stay snuggled up in bed reach out for him latch him on and replace him. Dh slept elsewhere. he grew out of his moses at 3 months and had to go into a cot in his room due to space reasons but I slept in a futon in his room with him in the end until i stopped bf at 6m. Loads easier.

I tend to fall asleep with my hand on my 5 wk old DD's chest as she sleeps in her moses basket next to me. It seems to calm her if she is having trouble settling and is pretty nice for me too.

I would hate her to be next door in her own room, if she wakes up from a nap downstairs and can't see one of us she instinctively starts crying...one of us appears in her vision and tickles her or cuddles her and all is right with the world again. That tells me that she shouldn't be far away from us for any length of time, she is still vulnerable and dependent, she needs us for reassurance and love.

Do what you want. Clearly some people can't bear the thought of being more than a few inches away from their baby whilst it's asleep whilst other are happy for them to be in a different room.

The situation described though is pretty much exactly like having the baby in the same room though, so I don't see the problem at all. Only 2m away and the baby will be able to hear and sense parents nearby. It's not like in another room across a landing or anything.

As an aside, I could never get the hang of reaching over and feeding in bed. I ended up getting up and feeding downstairs with something good on the telly, use to save progs I was looking forward to for the night feeds! Bedside cot just annoyed me immensely having to clamber round it.

i liked night feeding in nursery music/radio on,pottering about.and i knew i was going back after 6mth so wanted all babies used to sleeping own room.

People get so passionate about the 'right way'. There simply isn't a 'right' way-there is just a 'right way for you' and luckily everyone is different. Do what suits you and don't worry-a contented mother makes for a contented baby. I would be a nervous wreck sleeping with a baby-I wouldn't get a wink of sleep and would be irritable and horrible.

suit yourself,there is no one way

I can see your popint Hoochie -but if you have the baby in bed with you because you have read up about it and think that you ought to do it because it is the 'right' thing to do but you are in a fraught state because you are worried about squashing them and get fitful sleep as a consequence this is hardly good for the baby! Mine were in a different room, but I was so tuned into them that the first whimper and I was up so emotionally they were not in the least cut off. I could feed them and go instantly back to sleep. Unfortunately DH can't get back to sleep once he was woken and since he had to get up at 5.30am and do a hard days work it was hardly fair on him
It is unfortunate that people are made to feel guilty as if there is only one way to do things. I wouldn't advocate having them in a separate room-do whatever suits you best. People can have their baby in the same room for months and still be a lousy parent!
With the happy mother-happy baby bit I was assuming that you were acting in the baby's interests! If going to Australia for 3 months on your own makes you happy then it isn't going to make for a happy baby! If you are relaxed because you have the baby in it's own space you will be be a much happier mother than one who is doing something that you don't want to do because other people say that you should! A mother's place seems to be to be made to feel guilty from the start!

imo yes yabu

but its nt up to me what you do

Has your baby been born yet? maybe have the baby room ready but keep an open mind. You might feel differently once your baby is actually here?

You have to do what suits you and your baby. I have always shared bedroom for quite a long time with my Dcs but that is my sister's idea of hell for example. She has never shared and her Dcs are as balanced as mine and were definitely not neglected or deprived of affection.. I do not think she had special matresses for them either but was checking on them several times each night.

Well I've done it back to front. DS at 3 months is slowly worming his way into my bed from his own room!

I wish it were true that what suits me is what's best for my children.

I'd completely relinguish all responsibility for helping them with their homework and getting them to after school clubs as doing both these things brings me out in an anguished sweat of boredom and frustration.

Sadly as there's no one else to step into the breach and do it for them.

And of course, as an adult I'm able to see that this is only a temporary annoyance that will pass as they become more self-reliant. Also, as an adult I've got some self-control and self-awareness, so that I can rise above personal whims and irritations when necessary, just like I do in social and professional situations that don't involve my children.

Seriously though - I'm loving the 'if it suits me, it's best for them'. In the past parents would do things that were probably quite unpleasant for children - ie let them cry unattended for hours and hours, banish them to draughty nurseries in the attic or force them to fetch the coal in and clean the fireplaces, and their justification was that children weren't more important than adults and they should all bloody well do as they were told and stop being a nuisance.

These days we're told we ought to be 'child centred' so have to search for some other reason to justify our childrearing practices. The 'happy mummy/happy baby' line is genius as it justifies a whole range of adult centred behaviour, and allows for a clear conscience.

I'm no believer in mummy martyrdom, but I take my cue in part from looking at the way babies are cared for in those parts of the world where life is generally much, much harder for women and families than it is for us here in the UK. I think there's food for thought in those studies which find that babies in the UK and other Western countries cry much much more on average in the first few weeks of life than babies in African and Asian countries, and I suspect it's got a lot to do with the reduced time our babies spend in our arms, compared to babies from many developing countries.

"There's a bit of a recurring theme here - 'my baby was unbelievably snuffly and wriggly..' - that's the rule, not the exception with newborns! "

"Why deprive yourself of the heaven that is co-sleeping (or putting your baby in a cot right next to your bed)? Why???"

Indeed - unless your baby has an immature digestive system and goes "HHHNNNNGGRRRRHHHH!" at five second intervals all night. As mine did. About as loudly as your voice if you were trying to attract someone's attention. I went without sleep for two nights when it started, at about 4 weeks, and then I cracked, and put her in her own room with a sensor mat. Did I feel guilty? Hell, yes. But looking back, there really was no other option. You can't not sleep. And I don't mean that in terms of broken sleep - I mean literally none. She grew out of it around 4-5 months.

Next time, I would try to have them in with me again though. Yes, babies are snuffly - she was snuffly before the grunting started. But this was a whole other ball game.

I can sympathis josie, my ds is a night shouter and 'talks' in his sleep. He also was being woken up by dh talking and snoring in his sleep.

I've just realised, it should have been ME in the other room!!!