Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be really annoyed that a close friend has broken your confidence

42 replies

Antalya1 · 13/09/2010 11:52

I had spoken to a close friend about something and asked prior to the conversation that she kept it to herself, which she promise faithfully that she would. She has now told her partner, who is a gossip and when asked why she had done this has asid that she didn't understand why I don't want him to know. I have been told things in confidence that I have nver broken. Am I right/wrong to expect that friends are able to keep pieces of information and not discuss with partners..or is this an unrealistic view...just as an added extra, it wasn't anything terrible, just something that I felt was very personal to me.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 13/09/2010 11:54

It is a bit unrealistic to expect someone not to tell their partners something.

laurely · 13/09/2010 11:55

YANBU

I would be cheesed off at that as well.

cheesesarnie · 13/09/2010 11:57

i dont think its unrealistic.if its told in confidence-that means not telling anyone,including partners!if its ok to tell a partner is it ok to tell her mother,her father,her sister?when do you stop?

yanbu

ValiumSingleton · 13/09/2010 11:57

YANBU

Tell everybody they have warts.

down

there.

Deliaskis · 13/09/2010 11:58

Well YANBU if she agreed to keep it from her partner, but YABU for putting her in that position to start with. I would never put someone in the position of not being able to tell their partner (and only their partner) something I had told them. I assume if I tell one half of the partnership something then the other half will also know. I don't think it's fair to expect people to keep secrets from their partners.

I know you say it was nothing earth-shattering, but I still wouldn't put anyone in that position.

D

cheesesarnie · 13/09/2010 12:01

Grin do what valium said!

ValiumSingleton · 13/09/2010 12:01

What position??

Is it really so hard to keep your big trap shut and not mention to your husbands that a friend of yours had an embarrassing experience/or whatever... is that really a position?????

skeletonbones · 13/09/2010 12:02

Depends what it is. I wouldnt tell my husband anything that is potentially explosive or embarrasing for a friend such as 'I've been having an affair' or 'I need a minor op on my fanny' but I might talk to him about a friend if I was woried about them 'A told me today how depressed she feels about XYZ I'm really worried about her what do you think I should do to help? I know that he wouldn't go up to A and say 'really depressed huh? I better tell everyone in the pub about it then' though! I do think though if your partner has got previous for being a terrible gossip , you probably shoudnt tell them confidential stuff.

shootfromthehip · 13/09/2010 12:02

I tell my DH everything unless it comes with a Government 'Top Secret' stamp. It's not fair to have a secret, imo, from your partner and sometimes the secret holder needs to unload.

Not unsympathetic that it's got out though- especially if it's someone you value- will make things difficult.

scurryfunge · 13/09/2010 12:02

Loyalty to my partner comes first.....same as Delia

HRHPrincessReality · 13/09/2010 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValiumSingleton · 13/09/2010 12:04

but surely that's only if there's a conflict of interest scurry/delia.

Are you telling your husbands everything automatically out of 'loyalty'?? Shock

Really will have to think twice about ever telling a married woman anything even slightly private/embarrassing ever again.

scurryfunge · 13/09/2010 12:05

Everything relevant, Valium, like good gossip Grin

QS · 13/09/2010 12:06

You should not have confided in her if her partner is a gossip.

Yet, she should not told her partner, if he is a gossip. Surely she must know he is prone to gossiping?

jeminthecellar · 13/09/2010 12:06

I think being able to trust someone is really important, and I don't think it is related to loyalty to a partner at all.

Original poster
Antalya1 · 13/09/2010 12:09

....she knew the basics of it already, but wanted to know more details, which is why I specifically asked her if I told her would she feel comfortable in not discussing this with her partner and she assured me that she was ok with that, in fact promised sevetral times that she would keep the infomration to herself.

I suppose I'm most annoyed about the attitude now, which is one of defence and beacause she doesn't see it as a big thing she felt it ok to disclose..and she knew that I would be upset...a sorry would have been nice instead of a what are you getting so upset about.

OP posts:
QS · 13/09/2010 12:10

I also dont get what it has to do with partners, and how you are putting anybody in a position by confiding in them.

If a friend tells me something in confidence, and it has no bearing on my husband at all, there is no need to tell him. Why would I? Why would I need to talk about it? Why would he need to know?

Unless it is either a case of
a) friend having a problem and I consult him for a perspective on how to help her, in confidence of course, so he knows he is not to tell, or;
b) it involving my dh directly

cheesesarnie · 13/09/2010 12:10

why on earth would your dh want to know your friends problems??my dh wouldnt be at all interested and would tell me hes not interested.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 13/09/2010 12:10

I think everyonehas different ideas on this so yanbu and yabu. Generally if I tell someone something in confidence I don't expect them not to tell their partner because I would't like to put them in that position. My dh is the one and only person that I really do share everything with and my friends are the same so would't tell any of them anything I really wouldn't want their ppartners to know.

cheesesarnie · 13/09/2010 12:12

how do you know he knows btw?does she know how peed off you now are?i wouldnt be telling her anything private again

BaggedandTagged · 13/09/2010 12:13

Not telling your partner everything has nothing to do with loyalty, unless the information impacts him directly somehow.

i.e. if you told the friend that 50% of the workforce at her DH's company are getting laid off, and her DH is sitting on another job offer about which he's undecided, then I'd expect her to tell him

BUT "I've got the clap" does not require her DH to know- nothing to do with loyalty- knowing that or not knowing it makes no difference to him whatsoever

Seabright · 13/09/2010 12:14

YADNU. You specifically asked her not to tell her partner, she agreed then told him.

She knows she wrong, which is why she's being defensive.

Love the warts idea.

Squitten · 13/09/2010 12:15

I have to admit that I would generally discuss stuff with my partner and I would assume that anything I told me friends about would get back to their partners.

However, you mentioned that you specifically asked her not to mention it to her partner and she agreed so YANBU.

QS · 13/09/2010 12:17

However, when my husbands aunt told me her son had gotten married in secret, and not to tell my husband this, I felt a bit weird.
I knew his cousin was married, but he didnt. Hmm

Original poster
Antalya1 · 13/09/2010 12:19

there is absolutly no conflict of interest..it was purely friends stuff (but to me highly private).. and I know that if I had disclosed some of the information that she has told me she would be blazing....again, annoyed about the double standards... the disappointing thing is that she is one of my oldest friends but I do feel as though my trust has been broken

OP posts: