...to be really annoyed that a close friend has broken your confidence

[Antalya1]

I had spoken to a close friend about something and asked prior to the conversation that she kept it to herself, which she promise faithfully that she would. She has now told her partner, who is a gossip and when asked why she had done this has asid that she didn't understand why I don't want him to know. I have been told things in confidence that I have nver broken. Am I right/wrong to expect that friends are able to keep pieces of information and not discuss with partners..or is this an unrealistic view...just as an added extra, it wasn't anything terrible, just something that I felt was very personal to me.

I would be annoyed.

For me loyalty to my husband means not shagging around etc. Not telling him that x is depressed is not exactly betraying his loyalty.

what has loyalty to your DP got to do with it? you are not being disloyal to your partner by not telling them every detail of your best friends life

"there is absolutly no conflict of interest..it was purely friends stuff (but to me highly private).. "

Right- in that case YADNBU. She has been indiscreet- just dont tell her anything again.

If someone asked me not to tell someone something they had told me, and that included my husband, I wouldn't breathe a word. YANBU and I would not tell her anything private again if I were you.

yanbu. don't tell her anything again

Definitely NBU, why would anyone feel the need to tell their partner about every conversation they have with anyone else.
If I'm asked to keep a secret I keep a secret, is that unusual.

OP has said that it had nothing to do with friend or friend's partner so really wrong of friend to say anything. Don't confide in her again.

YANBU since you specifically mentioned that you wouldn't want her to tell her partner and she agreed to that.

I do tell my DH everything - but my friends know that so they don't tell me anything they wouldn't want him to know.

YANBU.

I really don't understand this school of thought that dictates that you must share every little intimacy in your relationship with your friends with your DH/DP. It's weird. I certainly don't tell my husband my friend's secrets (recently I had to keep shush that I knew one of my best mates was preggers, not just from DH but from the rest of my friends! It was very hard trying not to trip up but I would never have dreamt of telling them)and I would be mortified if they'd told my secrets to their partners. Also, I know that my DH is keeping shush about a health problem his best mate has. He's not told me so I don't ask.

I would deal with this simply by telling her sweetly that you are disappointed that she couldn't keep your confidence and that you'll be sure not to share anything with her again.

yanbu as your further post makes clear that she had specifically promised she wouldn't tell her partner.

yanbu as you'd specifically asked her not tell her partner, and she promised that she wouldn't. She's being defensive because she knows it's her fault!

Having said that, I do hate being told stuff and being told I mustn't tell dp as he has an uncanny knack for guessing. About a year ago a friend confided a medical issue with me and made me promise not to tell dp, as he is a mutual friend of both of ours. I said I wouldn't. She also asked if I could go along to a clinic with her. I was meant to be meeting dp that night so I phoned to cancel, and told him friend was upset and I wanted to meet her, I didn't mention where we were going obviously and I just told him I was meeting her for drink. He immediately said, 'oh, so she caught something off that guy she's been seeing' He guessed from my shocked silence that he was right. She doesn't know that he knows, but I do feel terrible.

Anyway, I only added that story to illustrate that sometimes you can end up telling you partner more than you meant to. I think, bacause they know you so well they can guess whem you are lying or holding something back.

I feel for you, but if I tell someone something juicy, I assume they will tell their dp. It's a given, I thought. Unless you specify they cannot tell their partner.

I tel dh everything, except confidential work stuff.

I am shocked at the number of people who tell their partners everything. Blimey. I certainly don't share me friends' intimate stuff with my other half and would not expect them to do that either.

My friend's brother told her DH that he was gay, but asked him not to tell her. He didn't.
When ny friend eventually found out, she was furious with her DH for keeping it from her. She knew that it was at her brother's request, and that he clearly didn't feel he wanted to tell her at that point (not that there was an issue for her) but it still felt that her DH knew something so massive about her own brother, when she didn't. She didn't like that he was so good at keeping secrets, either. The DH just couldn't see what she was bothered about.

There have been a few things I have kept from ex- when my close friends have confided in me.

One of the secrets was something I found particularly upsetting and something I would have liked to have been able to discuss with ex-p, but I didn't. No-one would have benefitted from me sharing the secret and ex-p wasn't harmed by me not sharing it.

If someone wants to tell you something in confidence, you should warn them if you're going to tell someone and let them decide whether to risk it.

YANBU

To clarify, I don't tell DH absolutely EVERYthing automatically as a matter of course (nor did I say I would), nor do I feel that I must share every little intimacy with DH (partly because half of it would bore him to death), I just wouldn't expect anyone in a long term relationship to keep a secret from their partner. I wouldn't want to put anyone in the position of having to watch their words with their partner. I don't think it's fair.

I don't tell DH things that he won't care about, and that aren't bothering me at all. However, if there is a need to discuss in that a secret is bothering me/I'm not sure what to do about it, then it's natural that I would want to discuss with DH.

E.g. I told one half of a partnership that I was pregnant before we were 'officially' telling anyone, and I said we weren't telling people yet for the usual reasons, but I assumed as a matter of course that she would tell her DH. No way would I expect her to not tell him (if she wanted to) or to be being 'careful' about what she said to him (say if e.g. they were discussing whether or not we or anyone else was likey to have kids soon), no way would I expect her to 'watch her words' with her DH. Similarly I told a male friend (I'm also friends with his DW separately from the two of them as a couple, but hadn't got around to telling her yet) and no way would I expect him not to tell her, in fact I got a very excited phone call from her about 3 minutes after I had spoken to him. Again, no way would I expect him to watch what he said to his wife in their own home.

If that makes me weird, so be it, but I honestly think that it's weirder to keep secrets from your DH.

In ref to the OP though, she should never have agreed not to tell him, then big old fat gone and done it anyway.

D

"My friend's brother told her DH that he was gay, but asked him not to tell her. He didn't."

Personally I would be upset that my bro didnt feel he could confide in me, but I would respect my DH for keeping a confidence.

I dont think people who can keep secrets should be regarded with suspicion. Discretion is very underrated.

"Personally I would be upset that my bro didnt feel he could confide in me"

I think there was a fair bit of that too, but that wasn't the point of the anecdote.