WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

that?s what I said to DH, Clam - that maybe it was just a friendly ?heads-up? kind of a text, and that in situations like this, text meanings can get easily misinterpreted - DH said that?s exactly why he?s refusing to get suckered into a text battle, and is waiting for some face-face contact. I think DH is going to see his Mum later, so he?ll probably talk about it all then.

Hell even if you weren't going, you ought to now! how dare they warn you. clearly you aren't worried about her or her opionions!

Hope the brother was genuinely attempting to be nice cause he was worried you had been hurt..and not just syaing you shouldnt be allowed there to cause a scene.

Diddl - no DH?s parents weren?t there, and I think they?ll probably try and keep out of it, tbh, though DH and I do want them to understand exactly what was said and not just that I kicked off and stropped out (which I suspect is how it?s being told) -
The thing is, they?re not tremendously understanding of our adoption - although they try to engage with DS, they really struggle, and they?ve never know how to handle our infertility. They?re ?OK? with the adoption, but still wish we could have conceived naturally. They listened on occasion to our problems over the last 9 years, but have never known how to deal with it, and their reaction/solution was to sweep it under the carpet very much. Which is fine.
DH and I (and my parents) feel very differently - we are thrilled that we have adopted and wouldn?t change a second of the last 9 years, as we ended up with our amazing son. We feel utterly blessed to have this little man in our lives, and 100% believe that the way our little family was created was absolutely the way it was meant to be. I?m not saying that DH?s parents aren?t good people, but they have become a little more distant since the adoption, and are functional grandparents rather than loving. They would much rather we became parents in the ?normal? way - and are fully entitled to their opinion. I know how hard adoption can be on some family members. What I?m trying to say is, they have no real understanding of our journey, and will probably be of the mind that I over-reacted.
Although, of course, this is all assumption on my part until we talk to them, but just from past experience, I suspect I know what the outcome will be

You handled it absolutely perfectly - well done you and DH.

As for her - karma will one day repay her for this. And I hope that it does so in spades. I'm gobsmacked anyone could be so unspeakably vile. What a horror of a human being she is - and the other people who laughed aren't much better.

Sterry, I am in awe at you guys. You are handling it brilliantly. Congratulations on your DS.

That woman is vile, she must be really thick, socially inept, uninformed, and just plain stupid.

But, it says a lot about the rest of them, that they dont fall over themselves apologizing for their behaviour that night.

And now they seem to put the blame on you guys, trying to conduct a family feud, dictating that you cannot go see other family because the bitch is there. Are they for real?

You're bound to hear the line, "oh, she didn't mean anything by it. She was just asking."
Don't have to tell you not to accept that!

It doesn´t sound as if your ILs will be much use then.

Of course they don´t want to take sides.

It sounds as if they don´t think of your son as their grandchild tbh.

And it sounds as if they may soon lose interest when there is a biological one around.

I can´t help thinking though that all they will hear is that you called her a bitch.

If I have totally misread them then apologies.

She sounds an absolute peach

You handled it brilliantly, well done. Just sorry that you had to do it in the first place.

Congratulations on your DS - lucky you for being blessed with him & lucky DS for having such a fab sounding mum & dad.

Very impressed by you and your DH refusing to get embroiled in a family rift / text slagging match, and rising above it in a dignified way. All power to your elbow!

Can I just say congratulations on having your son. :)

The family involved sound vile and you and DH reacted totally correctly. Keep your heads high and enjoy your son.

sterry...today you made me cry with your utterly wonderful attitude and understanding how difficult it can be for others to understand what you have been through

his "family" don't deserve to have you in their lives...

I didn't look at this yesterday as I thought it might be a bit "Jeremy Kyle".

But YANBU of course, and we would love to have you as part of our family. You sound so wonderfully understanding of others, its a pity DHs family can't show an ounce of your empathy.

Congratulations on your son, and he is lucky to have you as parents.

What a vile, horrible, malicious bitch.

Her words may come back one day and bite her on the bum- you just never know what the future holds, it may be all pleasant now for her but she herself could have fertility problems in the future.

How bloody insensitive.

My lovely, wonderful best friend is having fertility problems, 3 courses of failed IVF so far and is now contemplating adoption- she states that this idea has been met with some bizarre comments from 'friends' etc. What motivates people to be utter arseholes???????????

Congratulations on your lovely DS, and congratulations on behaving with dignity in the face of absolutely crashing ignorance!

I hope that silly cow wakes up in a cold sweat of shame one night - sadly, sounds like it'll be a few years down the line, if ever...

What a nasty woman - misguided and naive too...not least as she's yet to give birth.

Taking smugness to a new level. Fret not, people like this always get their come-uppance.

Good response of yours, btw.

"I know how hard adoption can be on some family members." Oh how my heart bleeds for them

You will find that you start seeing less of people who can't fuly embrace your DS as 100% part of your family because you want whats best for him. I have effectively lost two friedns this way but thankfully family were all great.

"They?re ?OK? with the adoption, but still wish we could have conceived naturally"

I daresay you wish you had been able to as well, in the early days. Who goes through IVF for fun? But you've found fantastic happiness through another route. (And your son is very lucky to have you too). How sad that they can't all be truly happy for you?

Have read entire thread and want to join in the standing ovation for OP - you were spot on in responding to that horrible woman in the way you did and I'm very proud of you. Enjoy your life with your lovely DH and wonderful DS without having to deal with Mouthy again...

I agree, dinky. Sterry, I read your OP openmouthed with shock at the level of rudeness and insensitivity shown by that bitch. You are a truly amazing person, and your ds couldn't have a better mum - or dad either.

I too would be tempted to email a link to this thread to Mouthy - and to as many others in the family as you can too.

I'm the same as AvrilH, OP, well done you! Total bitch, and the rest of the family are as bad for laughing/ not sticking up for you.

I would have liked to have been sat around at that table

The rest of the family are just as shit for not intervening

What is galling is that Mouthy no doubt feels she is the victim in all this, as per by the FB thing.

Hopefully she will grow up a bit when she has a child of her own.