WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

It sounds as if she was deliberately baiting you and setting up that conversation. Why do people do this? I?ve often had people giving me pregnancy announcements or asking how fertility treatments are going and sort of waiting (almost hoping?) for me to disintegrate into tears. My mum even asked who the problem lay with ? me or my husband. I think unless that information is offered then it?s best not to ask really, as whoever the problem may lie with will be feeling bad enough about it as it is.

I think you handled the situation with grace and dignity ? more than those excuses for human beings deserved actually. I am so sorry that they hurt you like that. They should all feel ashamed. Congratulations on your new little boy ? what a lucky boy he is having a mum like you.

Have just read this thread through and wanted to join in the standing ovation.

Sterry, I'm floored by your eloquence and dignity. You are amazing.

Also very impressed by the strength, loyalty and support of your DH.

I'm feeling very frustrated for you that your DH's family are not all now feeling thoroughly ashamed of themselves and crawling to you on their bellies to apologise - bunch of insensitive arseholes. Bloody good on you and your DH not to have got drawn into a great big slanging match (you are much better people than me I must say!!)

And last (but definitely not least) congratulations on your lovely ds. Wishing you all the blissful happiness you deserve :)

Whoa and that's all you said...how restrained OP and well done.

congratulations on the adoption of a very loved and lucky little boy!!

PS I'm sure that you do realise (from your OP) that whilst you are very lovely that you are the lucky ones to have him and not him to have you.

Not that it really matters because I know people mean well when they say it.

aww, they are happy to have each other, yes ?

although, kew, I do get the distinction

I think your son is a lucky little boy. Cannot say the same for the unfortunate child who will have that moron for it's Mum.

your post about your IL's just made me so i am at DH's family's indifference, but insanely proud of you and your DH for your calm and dignity.

and i want to give your DS a huge scrunchy cuddle for bringing such happiness to your lives.

sterry rools ok!!!

Kew...your Son is lucky t have you, I knw alittle of your journey and without you he wouldn't have a life filled with such love...you're lucky too btw!!

oh, kew has a backstory too ? A nice one ? An uplifting one? One where lovely kiddies get lovely parents ? I wanna hear it...

I am staggered that someone would say such a hideous thing to someone. What an utter witch.

I am also sorry Sterry that you ILs are not more supportive. christ 9 years you have had a really difficult path to tread, and still it goes on.

And I am a cynical old so and so as many people would say (getorfmoiland on a namechange) but what you said earlier made me genuinely cry:

"we are thrilled that we have adopted and wouldn?t change a second of the last 9 years, as we ended up with our amazing son. We feel utterly blessed to have this little man in our lives, and 100% believe that the way our little family was created was absolutely the way it was meant to be"

You and your DH should be bloody proud of yourselves.

You?re my hero

"DH still hasn?t replied. He says that a dignified silence gives us the high ground until we actually speak to them face-to-face."

Oh yes, don't reply.

the longer it goes on, they will be SHITTING THEMSELVES!

Let them.

It'll be great practice for when you go totally non-contact.

I can't believe your PIL have kind of distanced themselves, your poor DH, how utterly utterly sad.

Oh, lump in throat alert!, that comment about your 'family being created the way it was meant to be' has damned near got me too....

Seriously, sterry, you and your DH are awesome, awesome people.

DH is at his Mum's...

Ooh, cripes.....

Your post almost made me cry with sheer rage, unbelievable that people could be so evil. Your response was fantastic, amazed at your restraint, I'd have almost certainly punched her or poured a drink over her stupid head, which would certainly have been less dignified, which may have been what the bitch was angling for.

Congrats on your gorgeous son. And have faith that karma can be a far bigger bitch than that idiot, and what goes around, definitely comes around.

< settles down to wait for update >

ooh

Sterry .... well done for standing up for yourself girl !

(talk about inner lioness defending her cub !)

That cousin sounds like a very nasty piece of work imo. . . . im sure karma will bite her bigstyle on the bum one day ! .

Congratulations on your son

Here is another voice in the chorus of support. I am very impressed by your presence of mind under such pressure.

Congratulations on your DS.

You brought a tear to my eye with your description of your family and your 9 year journey. You are amazing! I really hope your PIL realise what a wonderful family they have in the 3 of you and are supportive of you in this situation.

Have come late to this - I am in awe of your response, I'd have been firmly in the red faced stammering camp if it had happened to me.

Difficult subjects like infertility, miscarriages, death etc are always tricky to navigate, and sometimes people do say the wrong things while meaning to be nice/supportive.

By the sound of it, this was NOT one of those cases.

Hope things go ok at DH's mums.

Posie - kind of you to say so but the issue with called any child who was adopted "lucky" becasue they end up with nice parents is that most people wouldn;t think they were terribly lucky if their birth child couldnt (for whatever reason) grow up with their birth family in safety and prosperity but were moved (a couple of times) before finding a family who could take care of them forever. Thats not lucky - its your childrne who are lucky - the ones who dont have to deal with such a fundamental loss so early in life.

Most adoptive parents are nice people IME so DS would have ended up with a nice family hether it was me or not. So it is me who is lucky to have got him and not vice versa. He might have been adopted by someone else and that wouldn't have done at all!

Anyfucker the short version of our back story is www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=6e3cbecfaa2fc0543284d3&skin_id=601&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url If you have the stomach for the whole 3 month blog let me know!

So - DH just got back from his Mum?s.
This isn?t word-for-word, I wouldn?t have thought, but the general gist, and Mr Sterrry is sitting beside me and is dictating, He says hello and is blushing a little bit at all your accolades
So?..DH walks through the door

DH?s Mum; ?So - have you got over your hissy fit then??
DH: ?And did they tell you what they said to provoke our hissy fit??
DH?s Mum: ?Something about Mouthy being pregnant? I thought you and Sterrry were over that??

Over it? Good lord

DH: ?No, it wasn?t about Mouthy being pregnant, it was about their ignorance, insensitivity and rudeness, in thinking they can just joke about what is a painful and traumatic period in our history?
DH?s Mum: ?Well never mind. Did you bring that car tax round for your Dad?
DH; ?Yes, and we do mind. Mouthy was really bloody rude to Sterry and me, having never been interested in our situation before. And actually, so was everyone else. If they really were interested, they?ve had years to ask how we are - not just now because they?re gossiping and nebbing. Yes, we have DS, but we?re still infertile. And you KNOW how hard that has been for us?
DH?s Dad (who had been at the door listening) ?It?s not Mouthy?s fault she?s pregnant - these things happen and it?s a shame for you, but you?ve got to move on?
DH: ?No, it?s not a shame for us. Mouthy?s pregnancy has no bearing whatsoever on our situation. It?s not a shame for us that we have DS - it?s fantastic, and actually while we?re on that subject, yes he?s fine, and yes Sterry?s fine (now) thanks for asking.?
DH?s Mum (no shame) ?Oh good. So, did you see how big Mouthy?s bump is? It?s amazing that she?s not due until Christmas?
DH: ?No, didn?t notice. We?re immune to pregnancy, and we don?t see it in others. Here?s your car tax, Dad. See you soon?
Exit DH

I do love him! Immune to pregnancy and don?t see it in others. He is one classy bloke, my DH. And his parents are fuckwits

Just read your op like this

What a complete bitch!

You handled it perfectly, with dignity and honesty.

Waste no more of your time worrying about this insignificant nobody and get on with the rest of your family's lives :)

And a huge congratulations on your ds too :o. It sounds like he has a strong and united couple of parents there. Well done you and your dh!