Sis Wedding, am not loooking forward to it

[twinklingfairy]

People ask me if I am looking forward to it (I am her bridesmaid, DD is her flower girl) I truly wish I could say NO.
But of course say oh yes.
When truly I am looking forward to the day after.
Not only is it DDs birthday but it will mean this ghastly year is finally over.
Until she gets pregnant.

Her hen do is next weekend, the wedding is the weekend after, and I could well do without it, but have no option.
I am the gel that keeps mum and sis ticking over, not to mention my bridesmaid duties.
There are only 6 of us going, me her and mum, his mum, his bros GF and my bros GF.
Sis has no friends of her own.

Oh no I feel so sorry for the future husband of your sister. If I had a relative like this, I think the rest of us would have a party just to have her taken off our hands.

Put distance between you as soon as she is married (of course always giving her and her news husband space).

Best advice anyone ever gave me was "if you don't like being a doormat GET UP OFF THE BLOODY FLOOR"!! If you carry on pandering to her she has no reason to expect that you will (or even want to) behave differently.

Just spent ages typing a response, then the screen went upside down! What The????

Oh, sorry, "the worst" (which has already happened) is living like this and not being able to see her without anxiety, guilt, resentment, shouting. How could that be better than a flaming fight and then silence.... peace... and perhaps, one day, reconciliation (from her side first, of course).

I tell her directly abot good times/bad times to call.
Told her between about 530 to 8, just don't bother, we will be preparing/having dinner, doing the bedtime routine.
She will call at 6ish or 730ish, then claim I am ignoring her calls. Well, uh, yeah?

Just thinking about taking space, made me remember the carry on earlier this year.
I was hinking of organising a party for DDs bday, the day after the wedding.
I thought of holding it in a room in a pub and extending a welcome to some of the extended family. Figuring, if it was in a publc house type place it would be more convenient that they could just pop in and out as they pleased.
Told this idea to sis who replied' oh I wish I could come to that. Think I might book my honeymoon a day late so I can. haha
Well, she only did!
I hadn't even booked anything yet, only made enquiries and she was asking could she invite new DHs family?
No, of course not, this is DDs bday party?
But if you are invitng family?
No, you can't.
These are my guests Twink, I can't Not invite them.
Yes you can, it is not your party, it is not your right to invite Anyone!
Well, it is in a pub, you can't stop people from going for a pint.
Whaaaat!

It was getting ridiculous, the girl was not backing down, and she had a valid point, it was in a pub, I could not stop people from having a pint.
Gurned to mum. So did she.
We were both told to back down.
eh!
So I gave up, booked a small hall, told mum she could come if she liked, bros the same (cos they have small children). Will invite DDs friends.

It was perhaps a silly idea anyway, but it got out of hand and to be reprimanded by my mother

So, the point, space after the wedding. Yeah sort of.
Only sis is now asking me what I have arranged for DDs bday.
I have not responded to that text yet.

She should nt be there, she should be swanning off on her honeymoon, happy with her new DH. Not asking me what time my DDs bday is.
I was looking forward to it. A day for DD to enjoy and a chance for me to enjoy it sans sis.

I know, that sound sooo athetic. Gurned to mum again.
But honestly, she was not going to stop until she got her way and I did not want to back down and allow her it.
What was I supposed to do!?

So, I am sorry, but I screamed Muuuum, stop her!

Don't reply to that text, delete it.

Do not answer the phone during those hours. If she calls your mobile, act paniced, and if she tries to just talk say "Sorry but I thought there must have been an emergency, there isn't? Sorry but bye." And hang up.

She is being unreasonable, if you don't want to talk to her when she wants, or if she can't have her own way, then that doesn't make you a bad person.

She can be a Bridezilla over her wedding but not anything else. (And I'd still get your hair cut, friend of mine's sister dyed her hair black, first the friend knew was when she flew in for the rehearsal.)

Good luck.

When is the wedding?

I wasn't taking the mickey.

Agree with ignoring the text and if she raises the subject just say you have invited a handful of dd's friends and don't mention where!!

My bro has aspergers-type traits (although never formally diagnosed). He can keep on and on about something until he gets the answer he wants. It is very draining.

oh bugger, see why can't you all be in my hip pocket/on my shoulder?
Have told mum the details of the party. Have to do that, don't I. Said cos Sis was asking.
Then asked did sis still plan on attending?
mum said prob.
Oh well, then I hope she does not intend to attend the whole thing, I honestly don't think I could cope with that.
Mum just shrugged.
Soz, I am back putting mum as middle man.
It might be childish, but by heck is it easier than actually having to deal with her!
daft that is Exactly what sis does!!
Too draining for me, that is why I wil put DM in the middle. Let her deal with sis behaviour.
I think, by always telling us, the 3 elder siblings, to just 'leave her be' she has partly created the problem, so she ought to take the brunt, not me.

DM did mention the hair to sis, as it goes. I didn't think she would. Sis, predictably went ape. I spent ages trawling the web to find something I liked!!
But sis phoned back by the end of work today to say I could do as I pleased it would be better than my having a toren face on at the wedding!
Nasty!
I am not trying to big myself up, that is not how I mean it, but you rarely see me without a smile and I am good at putting one on even when I am at my worst.
Nasty wee comment to make.
And breeeeeath
At least the end result is that I can choose my own style and be a happy bunny.

As I say, the next hurdle is this hen thing on Sat. Am really not looking forward to it.
I can count on one hand, maybe even one finger the amount of nights I have spent away from my LOs and the one time I did, I did not enjoy it.
No, I will enjoy myself, darn it!
I haven't actually paid for it yet. They might get their money next month, if I can afford it then.
So for now this is a freebie night away with pampering thrown in.
Will only have to see her for a meal. Can sit at other end of table and speak to DB GF, who is lovely.
Have just bought 'bride to be' sash, badge and a tiara.
Hope it puts a smile on her face.
Also bought number cards that she is meant to rate guys with. Lets see if she will do it!

Wedding is 18th September.

Not long now.

"I think, by always telling us, the 3 elder siblings, to just 'leave her be' she has partly created the problem, so she ought to take the brunt, not me."

Quite.

OOf she sounds awful. Have read through the whole thread and something Pluperfect said stuck out:

"Your anticipation of problems is helping her to make those problems real."

Sounds like everyone is stepping on eggshells around her and in doing so raising her expectations that they should.

You can kind of get into a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom with some people, whereby you are both locked into a pattern of action that is destined to repeat itself. Don't get me wrong, although I think you are not being assertive enough, I'm not blaming you for her behaviour (she chooses to act the way she does) but I do think you and your mum are both allowing and enabling her to act like she is.

Maybe have a look at some Transactional Analysis stuff (good short book or this one to try and redress the balance between you mum and sis and give you the strength and some stock replies to stop responding in the same way. This website gives quite a good clear overview too.

My dad has a very good saying (am sure he nicked it from somewhere but still...and he's a vegetarian Buddhist but we don't hold that against him) the only person you can change is yourself. Your sister believes she can control everything, including other people. You seem to be the opposite, take back some control. You can change how you respond to her and hopefully still have a relationship with her in the future, just on better terms for you.

Also how about going to relate for some counselling for yourself? Relate is for all relationships - not just couples counselling. You can pay according to your means and at the very least you will get to fully vent.

Know this doesn't help you in the short term (hen weekend and wedding) but as you are already in fear of, there will be more to come. And it sounds like your DH doesn't like to see you being treated this way (quite rightly) so maybe it is time for a change. He can help you do some TA exercises to practise your responses to her!

Sorry for the epic post...and hope you get to look forward to DD's birthday!

Transactional Analysis sounds interesting, ViveLeCliche. Does it correspond to the idea of acting "as though" one is confident enough to carry off an interaction/as though the other person is going to be reasonable or is that another branch of "therapy" (sorry if that's the wrong word).

Yikes vivi that sounds complicated.
That site you sent me to had pics at the top that I had to scan up so DD didn't see haha
Maybe have a read when she is in bed.

I need it broken down

Am thinking along aspergers a bit.
She has always been ridiculously shy, I often had to speak for her cos she wouldn't even look at folk.
She does go on and on and on and.......until we finally agree.
Phones asking for advice, it is given, scorn is thrown upon it and she gets off the phone agreeing with herself and has me nodding agreeances just to get her off the bleedin phone.
A friend asked, could sis speak to her, if she had any probs in the long future re parenting/BF(she is a keen BF peer supporter) but I had to tell her no, that sis woudl immediately dismiss anything she said simply for her connection to me.
Another lady we know (also BF peer support but more qualified than my friend) I thought maybe she would help but as soon as sis saw her house (toys strewn everywhere, surface cluttered), bid deal right? She would write her off and stop listening.
Friend thought maybe that was a little asperger y?
Or am I barking up the wrong tree.
But do you know to be able to say, that that is what it could be explains a lot of my confusion over her way of thinking/dealing with things. Which, more often than not, I just don't get??

But not sure how much reading I would have to do before I got TA, it sounds very confusing, if what daft has written is a brief explanaition, I am more confused!!

We don't have Relate up here. (ridiculously far North) nearest I could find was 100+ miles away.
Would love that though, there are so many wee things that I could bash out if I had an ear who might be constructive and not on anyones side IYSWIM

You could talk to your GP about some CBT cognitive behavioural therapy, which is about changing the way you react to things.

From my observations of people with Aspreger/high functioning Autism, they can be extremely rule following. Eg. a friend "Mary", Mary was told by her doctor mother when she was young, not to have sex outside marriage, and that if you wait sex will be better. Mary could not understand why if someone was told this they would not obey this rule.
Your sister does sound a bit like this, she has heard somewhere that families see lots of each other, or a good Aunt is at her niece's birthday party; and so she tries to obey the rule. She may not get the social signals that she is annoying everyone.

If this is the case, it would be good if she could get some help before she has kids, because babies do not follow rules. It may totally stress her out.

Good luck!

BTW these are my observations and thoughts nothing like a professional diagnosis etc. So handle with care!

hmmm..I can sympathise.

My sisters wedding was a nightmare for me. It went well, and she was happy which was the main thing but the run up was horrific. I had calls most days which ended in her either in tears or swearing at me and hanging up on me.

I helped her with everything I was asked to....went with her to see the vicar, went with her to pick stationary, do the wedding list etc. (Should have been her husband to be really but he couldnt be bothered) I found someone to make her dress (she is a big girl - size 22 at the time) and bridesmaids dresses. got my baker to make her cake and a woman I worked with at the time made the cake decorations. My friend did her church flowers for her. I helped her write the invites, posted some of them for her!! and she still found fault.

Sadly, she too had no friends to ask to go on a hen night - she didnt have one in the end as by this point I was refusing to organise one! and she had me, my SIL (!!!???) and her husbands sister and the sisters friend (!!!???) as bridesmaids. My SIL to this day doesnt know why she was asked!!!

I hope the day goes well for you and your sis but you may have to distance yourself afterwards - as I did - for your own sanity!

"If this is the case, it would be good if she could get some help before she has kids, because babies do not follow rules."

Ohhhh, yes. The perfectionists I know had the hardest time with becoming mothers. I am as pragmatic as an idealist can be - but certainly not a perfectionist, and even I found it hard.

Why are you worrying/discussing breast feeding advice when she is not even married or pregnant (realises that marriage does not have to happen first!)

Is she bringing the subject up or are you?

The best way to deal with my brother when he keeps going on and on and on.... is to end up being really rude abrupt with him. He has got a bit better but will have to discuss things with a few people before he can let something go. So, I usually have to walk away to end the conversation.

People with aspergers (of course, it might not be that at all) need to be told things that the rest of us can pick up on through nuance and social queues. Be very clear with her when you want/don't want something e.g. ''I can't speak to anyone on the phone between the times of 4.30-8.00. I will not be able to answer the the phone. If it is urgent, leave a message about what you need me for and I'll calll you back''.

I really don't know why you are complaining about your hair twinkly.

You are your sister's slave after all.

Practice saying
"No. That doesn't suit me."
No explanations, just
"No. That doesn't suit me."

Practice saying
"Leave that with me and let me think about it."

Look yourself in the eye in a mirror and say it loudly, slowly and clearly. Smile!

Repeat as necessary.

You didn't say until well into this but it was clear to me from the first post on that she was the youngest of a family. She is used to getting her own way and has always been allowed to because your Mum already had three children and needed peace. I can see the point of the asbergers question, but I think she is just SPOILED ROTTEN.

I can completely see where you are coming from on all points. My sisters had just the same problem and the solution they have found is that they don't have any contact any longer. It's sad and it makes family gatherings a bit complicated but my older sister feels much happier. My younger sister doesn't understand why my older didn't want anything to do with her any more, after years of phone calls where she talked about herself and wasn't interested in listening to anything older sister had to say. I have more distance (am youngest of all by 12 years) and so just manage my contact with younger sister and ignore her when she's being unreasonable. Someone has to be the grown-up.

I'm afraid to say I think it's too late to change your sister, you just need to manage your contact with her and try to minimise it. Screen calls, avoid visits and only do as much as you want with her.

Don't bother to bring your Mum into it - she obviously can't manage your sister.

Good luck with the hen do and the wedding and just try to get through them with your smile still glued on. DD's birthday will be day 1 of the rest of your life! (And btw I reckon you should tell your sister it's a children's party and she's not invited :o)

becaroo Blimey, you did more than I have and I am still going round the bend with it all!
daft It was my friend who brought up BF, but then she is a teensy bit obsessed at the mo having just completed her training. But I think her logic was that sis is gonna need help, she can offer some form of support should I wish to give sis her details.
Do you see where she is coming from.
It is a tad pre-emptive, but that was the logic.

Yes, I truly think she is going to struggle Big Style when she has children.
By joining in the critisism (with my mum) about me and how I cared for my DS she has set herself unrealistic standards to meet.
Same with cleanliness of the house, with children in it. She can't help but to be disparaging when at mine. Oh I couldn't leave that mess there. I would have to tidy it up.
She has done this her whole life. I am DMs 3rd, Sis is the PLB, 6 years my junior, 10 years my eldest brothers.
She watched us all grow up and seemed to strive to correct all our faults.
She would be the academic (both DBs weren't really. I wasn't much better)
She wouldn't argue, unlike eldest DB. She will be better with money, ulike other DB, well all of us really haha.
She is prety much T total, having seen us all get silly drunk.
Her whole life is a rule book created by her, that she struggles to live within.
She admits, herself, that she wishes she could throw it away but simply can't.

So she simply must be the best mother, I am sure.
It is some fall that she is going to have but I am not sure really how I will be able to say, that is nice dear, but please don't call me with your problems cos you won't listen to my answers and infact will mock pareting skills. Now, never mind when she has children.
Anyway, it is all a problem for another day.
Though it might be as well, to ask and accept any advice going as to how in the heck I will deal with it[grateful]

I would dearly love to tell her that, but how can I invite my brothers, and their children, my parents and PIL and not invite sis?
Just can't be done.
DM would go Mental.
Not worth it.

You are right, from about age 11-12 she was an only child and, by that point DM did want a quiet life. Spoilt? Just a little.
Even before then. DM would send her out with me. Mini mum style. Then complain, if I told her to behave, saying I am her mother Twink, not you!
She was devious and manipulative from about 3, as I recall.
But there are so many more little foibles than just plain spoilt brat syndrome, don't you think?
Or am I just giving her more excuses?
(not that she is aware, or ever will be, that I would ever label her as such)

It's a chicken and egg question, isn't it?

Has she been indulged and spoilt rotten because she is the youngest and this treatment made her act the way she does now?

Or,

has she always had some social/ocd problems that made her act in a particular way from a young age and therefore, everyone around her responded to that and treated her differently from the word go.