Sis Wedding, am not loooking forward to it

[twinklingfairy]

People ask me if I am looking forward to it (I am her bridesmaid, DD is her flower girl) I truly wish I could say NO.
But of course say oh yes.
When truly I am looking forward to the day after.
Not only is it DDs birthday but it will mean this ghastly year is finally over.
Until she gets pregnant.

Her hen do is next weekend, the wedding is the weekend after, and I could well do without it, but have no option.
I am the gel that keeps mum and sis ticking over, not to mention my bridesmaid duties.
There are only 6 of us going, me her and mum, his mum, his bros GF and my bros GF.
Sis has no friends of her own.

Can you not get chewing gum caught in your hair and then have to have it cut shorter again.

Your sister does sound as though she has anxiety problems and is a control freak.

You do need to start saying 'no' to her but perhaps wait until after the wedding.

Why would you think you would have to look after her child. Has she already suggested this?

I have boked an appointment with a hairdresser friend for the day after, to cerimoniously chop it all off!!

It was my own suggestion, re childcare, cos she was talking and wondering.
I see now that it was a stupid one.
I will no longer raise the subject cos, you are all right. It would be insane!
Though I would love to be able to do it. Little babies, and beyond, are just so scrummy!
But this would come with too many problems.
So, no, I will not mention it again, or open my big old mouth and land myself up to my neck in trouble.

oh, definitely, childminding for her would be Not Worth The Money. You would fall out even worse with her, or else explode with resentment at the effort of not falling out with her.

So when is this bloody wedding and the day of your deliverance?

Wow, I hate to agree with the others, but you really are being a doormat! Why, oh why are you running to your mum when you want to confront your sister?

It sounds as though you are so busy trying to please everyone that you have forgotten how to be your own person. Face the fact that sometimes people will be unhappy with you.

With your hair, if she isn't getting upset about that, then it sounds as though she will be getting upset about something else anyway, so tell her you will do something more flattering for yourself, and that if she actually gave a damn about you then she would want you to like how you looked. Jeez, what is she trying to do, make sure you dont' look as pretty as her on her day????!!!!!

That thought had crossed my mind chitchat
But I can't believe that she would behave that way.
I think it is all about control.
Every time I have suggested something, she has dismissed it, straight off. Not even a moments consideration. Unless it was a stationary thing then, after trying to make 5-10 of the invites herself in a effort to 'help' me, she realised that she had no clue! Had to throw them away. That was another 10 more I had to make. Thanks for your 'help' sis.
Anyway, that is the only thing that she has taken any heed of, the rest instant dismissal.
Same went for the hair. She showed me about 5 options, I pointed at 2-3 said I liked them. She chose another said that was the one.
Then I began to grow my hair, so that more options were open to me.
I said as much, about there being more options now, she said, 'No I like that one now.
I said, I don't think a pony will suit my face shape, sis.
She just looked blank.
I said maybe some bits at the side.
Again blank.
The hairdresser backed me up and msiled at me saying she would sort something out I was not to worry.

So my earlier attempts at saying, I don't like that one, fell on deaf ears.
Though, obviously, I was WAaaaay to subtle.

Couldn't do it over the phone sleeping. Couldn't stand teh squealed reaction I would get.
I will say it face to face. I think that will be easier.
It is Bloody Impossible to get her off the phone once she has a bone.
At least face to face, I can walk away or distract us with the chldren, or something.

God, though, not sure that I will be able to resist the arguments she will try to lure me into and stick with the, I have made my decision, line.
Will try very hard not to get drawn in.

You watch. She will just make some snidey comment now and leave it at that. Just bitch to mum about it once I have gone.

Ran to my mum hoping I could talk her round first, so that I would have some back up/understanding. That didn't work

Your mother is probably also in thrall to Her. The two of you could and probably should free yourselves together. The wedding and honeymoon will give you a chance to disengage a bit.

Have you throught any more about the massage? She does really sound as though she is incredibly tense - that kind of zip-zip-zip, snap-decision, snap-decision, snap-decision. Being physically forced to slow down might do something to slow her mentally, create a moment of closeness between you and also give you something to remember when she's flinging accusations at you. You seem unreasonably hurt by her accusations, and I wonder whether it is because you know that, deep down, you really resent her; that is, you are placating her because you feel guilty for thinking she is a nutter and selfish and thinking that you don't want to do anything more for her. If you accepted that it is normal (and quite right) to resent and dislike her behaviour, you might feel better about standing up to it. The same goes for a mother: your mother may be feeling horribly guilty that she dislikes what her daughter has become, guilty that it is easier to be with you, guilty that she has placated your sister at the expense of her other child (you). Actually, she should feel guilty about that. And she should do something about it.

It doesn't matter if she makes snidey commenst and bitches about you to your mum. So what?

Just be firm and don't cave in.

She knows from previous experience that you always cave in if she is foul enough.

Have you ever stuck to your guns with her?

Tell her that the photos of her wedding will be around forever and you want to have a hairstyle that suits you, so you can have one on display.

Just say NO. Forget her damn line in the sand. What about YOUR line in the sand? Explain once, and then after that just say NO. She can rant, rave, carry on, just walk away if she gets aggressive. Stop trying to 'discuss' the issue. She isn't being rational about it so there is no point in discussing it. She's being a bully, and you're letting her be.

Fgs, you are arguing about HAIR? And you grew your hair just for her? The pair of you need to get real. Both of you just do your hair how you want it. How old is DD? Is she even old enough to have her hair "done"?

It is only one day- chill out, and be really chilled if she asks you to do things. Don't lie, then let her down, just say "oh, I'll try to do it, if I get round to it" in a kind of dreamy voice and she'll soon stop asking if she is so much of a control freak.

Plu, are you suggesting that I give her a massge, or just send her for one.
Totally not up for givig her a massage.
Yes, I am full og guilt for not likig her very much, in general, nevermind with all the wedding stuff.

Not really arguing over hair, just wanted some outside opinions to help me see that I really am Not being unreasonable to say, Soz, but No, not gonna have that hairstyle.

Am still unsure on what way to proceed, but I am just not having the style she wants.
Might say something, if I feel the time is right (or she is approachable), or I will wait for the day and just say, I am sorry, the hairdresser put it in and I just truly hated it, so I went for this instead. Thought you would like it cos it is in keeping with yours? Oh you don't? Shame, too late now!! Lets get in the Limo shall we

Next test is this hen do this weekend. Should be fun?

Then hen do is a pamper thing. She might well just take herself off for a massage.
Here's hoping.

I grew my hair for her, cos I know she would have done it for me so I couldn't not do it for her.
I wouldn't have asked her to though, IYSWIM

Originally, the hairstyle she chose was because my hair was shorter, so I figured, if my hair was longer, I would have more options.
Anyway, I am really looking forward to the chop, the next day.

My bridesmaids got themselves all pierced and dyed in the weeks before the wedding and, well, it is their bodies, they aren't dolls to be dressed up. I am so glad that DH chose an elaborate outfit, or I would have felt so silly. In fact, he had his hair cut and styled the day before the wedding, and us women...brushed our hair.

How old is DD? I only ask because my DD refused to wear normal shoes, her headband thingy that I had handmade, or to sit in the audience (she insisted on being on stage at all times). I know I once spent an entire wedding trying to climb under the brides dress when I was little. What will you sister do if DD does something like that?

IMO, bridezillas are just setting themselves up for upset.

DD is going to turn 4 the day after the wedding.
She will be a dream. I am so lucky with her. [proud mummy smile]
DS, however, turns 2 on halloween this year, is another kettle of fish entirely!
He will see me pass him by and let out a shout of 'w'nt mummy! W'nt Mummy! W'NT MUMMY!!' till either DH will have to miss the ceremony or DS will have to be taken to me. Where he will promptly try to get onto the alter, and yes, prob under sis skirt
Should I just let him!?

Haha, she is gonna go loopy.

Reality though, is that DH will leave and miss the ceremony, only too happily.
He gets quite cross about sis behaviour, so is not her greatest fan anyway.

I am not trying to be bitchy ag=bout her, to keep harping on about her lack of friends, but that is where I think she does rely on mum or me, for all that stuff.
She spends her weekend 'with family' cos that is 'what you do' ;Family is important to her, you know'
Truth is she norm outstays her welcome and more ofetn than not, mum (is DM the right letters?) will call me to say 'your sis is coming round....long pause'
Where upon, my response ought to be, 'do you want to see the children/do you think she would like to see the children?'
Same goes for phone calls, DM and I despair of getting her off. She seems to allocate an hour for all phone calls to us and will just repeat repeat, bleat util the allocated hour is up. I try to get off but it norm ends in an argument.
So I avoid calls.
She knows this (has said as much to DM) but then she also knows when dinner time/bedtime is and always calls then.

oops, where did that come from?
sugarmouse what did you start?

Oh, she has no clue sugarmouse
She can hear the screams and arguments ih the background and it won't even break her breath!
I normally just leave the phone ringing out when the timing is inconvenient cos she would just talk away anyway, even if I said I was busy DD/DS/DH needs me, dinner is on the table. Oh I will just say this....bla....bla.....blaaaaaaaaa

Och, maybe it will all calm down after the wedding.
DH and I have decided to get away after. But I told DH there was no way I was going whilst they were on their honeymoon. Whilst they are away, there is peace. We needed to get away when they came back.
So he booked the week after.
Turns out it is a 2 week honeymoon and we get back just in time for the post mortem, bugger!
Then I stupidly told her we were getting 2 wee kittens when we got back, so you can bet she will want to come out. sigh

I should imagine that will be easy enough, after the wedding. but not so sure it will be once she gets pregnant, or worse, does not.
Though she did say, on Sunday, that my DS was enough to put her off for a long time.

Can't swap it, FILs b'day is that weekend, he is over the moon that we are coming down.
Hmm, yes. Will try to plan it around getting her outta ma hoose! Only prob is DS sleeping time and she knows that we can put him down and then she can stay.
Mind you, could easy say he hasn't been settling well.
Yes, will just do that.

The massage I suggested was by you, for her. However, it sounds as though you have got beyond the point of being able to feel tenderness for her, so you are going to have to remove yourself, or blow up. You seem so full of resentment now (and who wouldn't be?) that there is no other way out of it. I'm sorry, but you have let it get to this point by placating her. I understand that you have done it out of a desire for peace, but you still have a war here and now, only it's a guerilla war, and you are not defending yourself.

By all means, leave the blowup until after the wedding, but then have it. You absolutely cannot go on like this. The worst has already happened.

Do you think she has aspergers?

The egocentricity, lack of empathy, not picking up on clues that it is not a good time to phone, being rigid in behaviour....

Plu, What is the worst?

Daft, but she cries at the drop of a hat if she feels a situation is not quite right.
Ie pressure at all family gaherings to get on well and be happy all the time, if we are not, or get snippy at one another (as all families do, I think) then she will take it personally and cry. Ok, not every time, but it is draining, at gatherings, when she is around. I feel on tenterhooks.
I don't know enough about aspergers to say, I think.
Are you taking the mickey though, you can never tell when it is written, maybe I am being a numpty for taking you seriously.