Sis Wedding, am not loooking forward to it

[twinklingfairy]

People ask me if I am looking forward to it (I am her bridesmaid, DD is her flower girl) I truly wish I could say NO.
But of course say oh yes.
When truly I am looking forward to the day after.
Not only is it DDs birthday but it will mean this ghastly year is finally over.
Until she gets pregnant.

Her hen do is next weekend, the wedding is the weekend after, and I could well do without it, but have no option.
I am the gel that keeps mum and sis ticking over, not to mention my bridesmaid duties.
There are only 6 of us going, me her and mum, his mum, his bros GF and my bros GF.
Sis has no friends of her own.

People will only treat you the way you allow yourself tobe treated. Sounds like you need to learn to be more assertive with your sister and say no sometimes.

How do you really feel about her though? You have mentioned quite alot that she has no friends, but I don't see what that has to do with anything. It must mean something to you though, so this is a genuine question.

YANBU. I feel for you. My sister has just started planning her wedding and I was happy for her when she told me she was engaged, but now we are back in the usual cycle where she uses me and shows no consideration, and I let her. DH sees me letting it happen and gets so frustrated. But its hard because its family and I would like things to be ok between us, so I never want to rock the boat. I wish I had a straightforward relationship with her. Try and find ways to say no to things, although I know I'm no good at that. Luckily I'm expecting a baby so I have a good excuse to say no to doing things, but I still worry that pressure will be put on me, and I will be made to some how feel bad if I don't do as asked. Sympathies!

if she does get pregnant do not even contemplate becoming her childcarer - ever - not even for babysitting

Ex pat yes that's right and I have told dh if can't afford both our holiday will come first and he agrees. I am far from a doormat but agree I sound like one...thanks for pointing that out. I just wanted to make the point and didn't want to go off on the ''aibu'' to tell dh not to go on a stag do thread.
I have been made to feel like a controlling insecure woman by some friends about this so god knows what kind of flaming id get on mn.
Loving ur opinions on mn tho esp.my stag do dilemma. will try not to disappoint in future!

She does sound very demanding, especially when you have generously offered to do all her wedding invites. That is a big task.

After the wedding, back off a bit. Don't be so available when she phones. Keeps chats brief and if she tries to get you to do something, say you are already busy with the children.

You may be in for a rough time if she gets pregnant. Don't get involved if she asks you for advice etc. She does sound like a pita and it clearly sounds as if this is the culmination of a very long history of similar treatment from her. Stop it now, while you can. You don't sound jealous btw, just seriously fed up!

i'll tell those people who say you're controlling to sod off for ya, led! :o

Do u not think tho its quite unfashionable to put your foot down over these things? don't trust him etc etc.I've seen few threads about it and women seem very angry if u don't like dh going off abroad for 3 nights drinking half the family income and at the very least ogling women. and generally behaving like male silver backs!
Told dh I was accused of being a doormat and he phsl.
One night ill start a thread about the stag do and you can help me fan the flames!

If it means sacrificing a family holiday to go piss money up a wall then no, any decent person, male or female, would decline.

Any decent person or person who values his testicles!
Still reckon it would be a flamer tho! Will save it for a boring day.

Oh, yes, people will suggest 'compromises', like your flogging stuff or getting a job to pay for a family holiday, or your going off for a weekend on your own (which, well, how do you that when you have no money?) because everyone needs to get rubbered and act like a twat in life.

A friend of mine is married a twat who does stuff like leave her on her own with young children/babies whilst he gets pissed and shoves money down some girls thong.

She said, 'Boys will be boys.' I said, 'No, twats will be twats, morelikes.'

Yeah I don't get it. my mates husband always on a ''stag weekend'' hes 42 so can't have that many marrying aged friends. she never hears about the wedding funny enough.
Like I'm going to sit here with 2 kids one only tiny whilst hes off acting like a teenager. wonder what hed say if I went off for a spot of dogging!
Sorry for the mild hijack but I'm missing wine and have to amuse myself somehow

My DH is much better at saying No to my family, so he did not go to the Stag do this weekend.
I do not have a choice in the matter, with there being so few, my being the bridesmaid and my mum woudl not go if I did not go. Well, maybe she woudl, but my reason would have to be pretty desperate.Anyway, not saying that I will not go, just am not desperately looking forward to it either.
I am also in the position of being bankrolled into going cos that excuse did not work. Not an excuse as such, is true. Sis is having one of these pamper weekends abut 100 miles away. And, once you add it all up, it is a fortune. And there was to be no Travel Lodge, for her. So sis and mum are paying half my way between them, to make sure I can attend.
I kinda was happy to accept my financial restrictions, but mum and sis were having none of it.
It is a little embarassing, so before anyone might say it, I am no freeloader.
Feel like my company is being paid for, a little.
Because I really am the gel that helps things go smoothly, neither would be as comfortable without me, I don't think.
Does that sound big headed and ungrateful?

I mention Sis lack of friends because, maybe if she had some, some of teh pressure woudl be taken off me?
Espesh at the hen do. The more the merrier and all that.

Hair.
Do I have to have the hairstyle she has chosen when I feel it will do me no favours (the hairdresser agreed, that it woudl need softening to accomodate my slightly square jaw).
She had a few choices, at the beginning. I chose an up do, slightly curly but not overly neat.
She has chosen a ponytail (which I have had to grow my hair for, about 3" or more, when I loved my har shorter) that has sculptural bits going on at the back.

She has a crown of neat curls and DD is getting her hair curled too, left long and down.

So why is mine not in a curly do too??

I have even grown out my fringe so that I can have one of those side sweeping things, but still with a little fringe IYSWIM
She said yesterday that it shoudl all be swept aside. I said, No I need a bit of fringe.
She sighed and said, oh well, you are not doing what I wanted anyway so why bother now, [sacarine smile]

Can I now say, well if that is your attitude, I am not getting your flippin ponytail and I am getting soft up do urls, then I might actually feel pretty.
I mean, if I am not doing what she wants, can I not be in for a penny in for a pound and really not do what she wants??

I did manage to get out of being driven by her to the hen do.
We had an argument about it the other day, when I let slip (ok told her outright) that I did not like her style of driving and wanted to be the alloctated driver.
She flipped out whined a cried eventually hung up telling me to F off.
I had to apologise for upsetting her and agree to be driven, jsut so that she would stop.
But, as it turns out, mum didn't want to be in the car with strangers anyway. So. Perfect, I will drive you and I, mum.
You just tell sis it was your idea though, cos she will go loopy if she thought it was me.

Anyway, Hair?
What shoudl I do.
Fight tooth and nail or give in. It is only one say afterall.
It might look ok. The hairdresser is going to do all she can to help me look nice.
Should I let it slide or 'ruin' sis day by not having the hairstyle she chooses.
(she has not said that, but no doubt would whine it, to mum)

Oh FFS grow a backbone and wear your hair in a style that will make you feel attractive and confident. I'm starting to think you and your sis are as bad as each other. Your poor mum!

I am trying really hard here, to not upset things, to not have my sister go off on one and I am accused!!
I honestly don't know if it is worth it with her.
I agree that I should just be able to say sod off, it's my flaming hair.
But you know what brides are like, they want it just so.
My sister is worse, her whole life has to be just so. It must be truly exhausting for her.
And this is another of those things that she has dismissed my opinion of, way back when. Now she has dug her heels in.
She will truly take offence if I try to do anything but, and accuse me of being difficult.

On the other hand, I am being accused of being difficult anyway.

I am sick to the back teeth of it all.
And here is someone swearing at me and telling me I am just as bad!

Cheers for that!

I'm starting to think you are making this all up.

You absolutely need to focus on your personal assertiveness skills. I have had training - there is lots around. Look it up is my suggestion.

It does not matter what your sister does. What matters is YOUR response.

I'm afraid at the moment you are simply appearing whingey and doormat-ish.

Don't allow yourself to be cast in that role if that is not your personality. Assert yourself and your wishes. You are allowed to, and surely that's better and healthier for you than (forgive me) moaning on about your sister 'making' you do stuff....

Wish I Blardy was noel!

Sleeping You are right I do need to assert myself. I was just trying to bend over backwards to make things easier, but now I am so far down this road and I realise that this has not been what I have achieved.
I simply did not realise what was occuring.
But now here I am.
I think I will say no to the hair style she has chosen. I really do want to feel nice, especially after all the stress that has been the planning of this wedding. The least I can do for myself is feel pretty, on the day itself.

Spoke to mum, who sighed and said it is only a day, just leave it.
Hmm, not sure that I will.

Now, the chickens way out, text or email or a phonecall that will only end in whining and accusations (prob tears), but at least it would be swift.

Do it by phone fairy. Text and email will just lead to lots more angst. Phone her, tell her what you've decided, be calm, and just keep repeating your phrase whatever it is you choose to say. "I have decided to have my hair this way so that I feel comfortable" ....and - repeat!

If you don't give other remarks, you take away her ammo

eg You say "I've decided to have my hair this way so that I feel comfortable"
she says "OMG Fairy but I want you to have the same as so and so, you will ruin the look"....
you say "I hear what you are saying, but I have decided to have my hair this way so that I feel comfortable
she says"But so and so has said she will have her hair this way, why can't you be thoughtful"....(etc)
you say "yes, I hear that, however, I have decided to have my hair this way so that I feel comfortable"

and so on and so on!! It really works. Try it.

Don't be afraid of dealing with her on the phone or face to face. Go for it girl, and I hope the day goes ok for you!!!

dont know why people bother replying to this drivel.is obviously a load of lies.

Are you kidding me pink!

I only wish it was.
Does it seem so far fetched that it could be!?

Don't bother telling her your decision about the hair! FGS, that is handing her too much power. Just get the hairdresser to do it, and your sister will have to put up with it, unless she plans to pull the hairdo out and re-do it with a comb and hairspray and an elastic taken off a postal parcel. Honestly, she can't be that crazy. If she is, well, let her ruin her own effing wedding and then she will never talk to you again. Problem sorted.

Your anticipation of problems is helping her to make those problems real.

sleeping can you do it!
She would not go with that line. There are no others that have the same. Only me.

I would feel more comfortable with my hair similar to yours but softer.

Does that sound too wimpish?
It is true, it would be more similar.
I have no idea why she has chosen such a different style for my hair.
Except that she says she does not like loose styles and she doesn't want my hair down or exactly like hers.

Where has my backbone gone!?

I love that idea plu but it would never be forgotten and would be brought up as often as possible.
The long term ramifications of not telling her are just to tedious to consider.
Though I have seriously considered it!

Can't you just forget to tell her? You are pretty busy doing her effing cards, driving to and from her house to fetch your things and bring hers.

And she can't bring things up again and again if she's not speaking to you, can she?

Seriously, just try a little rebellion over your hair and see the result. If she freaks, she is seriously disturbed (and so is your relationship). Who would freak out about something so small?

In the meantime, is there any little surprise you can think of which would give her pleasure - something she hasn't whined and nagged for - to prove that you do want to make her happy - just not always by doing things which inconvenience you and make you unhappy. Are you any good at massage? Maybe give her a massage during your spa weekend? A massage for a loved one can be a real expression of tenderness and generate goodwill and closeness, as well as the physical benefits (she does sound bloody tense).