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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my brother and family not to go to church when we visit

454 replies

Trifle · 02/09/2010 10:17

I plan on visiting my brother, sil and their 2 children for a weekend in September with my 2 ds's. All the children get on fabulously and really enjoy eachothers company although, due to distance apart, we dont meet up as often as is liked.

My brother and sil are deeply religious to the point of fanaticism. They read the bible every day, pray religiously, attend church at least 2 if not 3 times a week, sometimes twice on a sunday (obviously the message doesnt get through first time).

Now, if we visit at the weekend and stay overnight, would IBU to ask them not to go to church on a sunday morning as the whole thing takes about 3 hours and we just end up hanging around waiting for them to come back. This defeats the object of the whole trip if we are there to see them plus I also think it is rude to abandon your guests.

OP posts:
Megatron · 02/09/2010 13:04

YABU. If you are happy to accept their hospitality in their own home, you should be happy to accept that this is obviously important to them as a family. You know that's what will happen before you do so if it bothers you that much, just don't go. OR you could respect their choice and get lunch ready for them coming home.

tokyonambu · 02/09/2010 13:05

"Just because you don't believe does not mean it is something trivial that they can just not bother to do any Sunday that it's not convenient."

But she said that they are happy to take holidays. So clearly that can just not bother to do any Sunday that it's not convenient if the draw is to their taste (a holiday), just not for a visit by a relative. Which is fine: that's their choice. But the OP is entirely reasonable in drawing from that that she comes pretty low down the stack, and should treat the relationship with her brother accordingly.

Telling your siblings and parents that they're all going to hell is pretty toxic, too. It all sounds terribly exhibitionist, and if "the key teaching of Christ is that it is through relationships and community that we can live the happiest and fullest lives" means behaving like this, then it's a shame that more Christians don't try following it.

SkiHorseWonAWean · 02/09/2010 13:06

You're now using your childrens "playtime" as an excuse for your obvious distaste towards his lifestyle.

Maybe he's going to church to escape your martyrdom - perhaps preferring to embrace an "official" one.

LadyPeterWimsey · 02/09/2010 13:08

We are very like Trifle's brother, with the slight difference that DH is paid to go to church so our family would never expect us not to go if they were staying.

To explain about the holiday thing: when we are away on holiday, we make an effort to find a church to go to but this is not always possible and our kids don't really like going somewhere different so sometimes we just stay in our holiday place and do 'family church'. (We believe churches are families of Christian believers and so are not just interchangeable.) Church is still more important than holiday.

I think this is about more than just three hours playtime. I wonder if it would be helpful to explain your thinking to your brother and let him explain his to you. I would love to have this sort of conversation with our family, but I think they assume stuff we don't actually think.

ChoChoSan · 02/09/2010 13:17

I am glad that I don't have any family who use their lifestyle choice as an excuse for inflexibility and rudeness to their guests, but TBH if they are rude enough to think their belief gives them licence to tell others they will 'rot in hell' for disagreeing with them, I would give them a wide berth anyway!

swanandduck · 02/09/2010 13:18

Tokyo

I'm a Catholic and Catholics are obliged to go to Mass every Sunday. However, if you are away on holidays and there is not Catholic Church near by you are not obliged to go. There is a big difference between someone never going on holidays because they would miss their Sunday service and someone expecting visiting relatives to respect that the one time they will not be around is for their normal Sunday service.

tokyonambu · 02/09/2010 13:18

"I wonder if it would be helpful to explain your thinking to your brother and let him explain his to you."

It sounds like that's already happened: the OP is going to hell. Not a lot of wiggle-room in that.

Mercifully, we've been spared family (with whom, overall, falling out is a bad idea) getting toxic religion. We've lost touch with a friend, though, when she decided that a few minutes with our daughters, then aged about 6 and 8, was an opportunity to tell them that a recently deceased mutual friend to whom the children were quite close died because she didn't pray enough and has gone to hell. Presumably because being a staunch Methodist isn't proper religion, or something. Given my children had watched her die (40s, three children, cancer) and the funeral had been the previous week, I thought that Christian Compassion was at its finest in this, and told her to fuck off out of my house and not come back. She hasn't. Ours isn't the only house she's no longer welcome in, having trailed this line - oh, she died because she didn't pray enough, cancer is God's judgement, she's gone to hell - in front of other children.

cumfy · 02/09/2010 13:18

Cooking lunch appeal ?

SpanishLady · 02/09/2010 13:20

Dont know why but cant help thinking the OP is not telling us everything - if her brother is so awful why the hell is she visiting him?

I am a church goer - my DH is not and would probably descrive himself as an atheist. I dont try to convert him nor do I think he is going to hell - likewise he doesnt bait me about God.

I dont liek the idea of hugging people but its not the end of the world is it? nor is saying something pretty nice to people like 'peace be with you' as we catholics do.

Frankly I find the OP as weird as her brother sounds - maybe it runs in the family to be equally obstinate and offensive to other people's beliefs and lifestyles.

actually that is harsh on my part but this just seems a silly thing to be getting hung up on.

VirginOnTheRidiculous · 02/09/2010 13:21

My Dad is an Orthodox Christian and his Sunday morning service takes 3hrs, sometimes more. My SIL was very rude to him last Christmas (she was drunk on sherry) as he went to church on Christmas day. I believe her plaintive wail was 'it's Christmas fgs, you're ruining it by spending it in church'.

My Dad's faith is such a comfort and joy to him that I would never expect him not to go because I'm incapable of entertaining myself for a few hours.

YABU and very rude.

booyhoo · 02/09/2010 13:21

tokyo "Three hours means it's a cult of personality evangelical church, which is a whole different kettle of fish."

not necessarily. you clearly missed my previous post. my friend is JW and her sunday services are 2-3 hours long. your post demonstrates your ignorance on the topic.

swanandduck · 02/09/2010 13:21

This is what always annoys me about these threads. By page two a couple of people come on with tales of fanatic, extremist behaviour and use that to denounce all religion. It's so cheap.

SpanishLady · 02/09/2010 13:23

ok Tokyo - you are right everyone who goes to church is horrible and an idiot.

couldnt possibly just be that person who in other lifetimes would be equally repulsive in other ways - football hooligan, racist twat, benefit defrauder etc

an idiot is an idiot and will find their way to express this - not only through religion

feels like you need to not be so blinkered either

hmmSleep · 02/09/2010 13:25

I seem to be in the minority (to put it mildly) but I don't see any harm in asking your brother not to, he can always say no.

booyhoo · 02/09/2010 13:26

"It's also all very well to say, just chill at home, relax, read the papers etc. Well with two ds's aged 9 and 10 who want to play with their cousins, it's a huge shame for them that they'll only have me for company when they get me 99% of the time."

it's 3 hours on a sunday morning. it isn't the entire weekend. your children will have seen their cousins. they will probably appreciate a few hours breathing spcae from each other. 3 hours is not a big loss on your children's social calendar. i am sure if you had a bit of a think you could entertain your dcs for 3 hours.

sarah293 · 02/09/2010 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tokyonambu · 02/09/2010 13:28

"Three hours means it's a cult of personality evangelical church, which is a whole different kettle of fish."

not necessarily. you clearly missed my previous post. my friend is JW and her sunday services are 2-3 hours long."

Sorry, I thought we were talking about Christianity.

SauvignonBlanche · 02/09/2010 13:29

YABU and intolerant.

giveitago · 02/09/2010 13:29

YABU - it's their faith - let 'em get on with it.

I'm not a religious person but their only infringement is your time. It's their time too, if they want to be at church, let them be.

sarah293 · 02/09/2010 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tokyonambu · 02/09/2010 13:30

"I cant find the bit where trifle says her brother tells her she is going to hell..."

Posting at 12:54:

"As far as he is concerned I am going to hell, as are our parents and other brother who also do not believe. "

booyhoo · 02/09/2010 13:32

JW are christians. again, an ignorant post.

Hullygully · 02/09/2010 13:32

I agree with Tokyo.

MaryBS · 02/09/2010 13:33

Did he actually SAY you were going to hell though, as you don't actually say that...

I was told I was going to hell once. Not nice. My response was, thank God it'll be Him that is judging me and not you!

VirginOnTheRidiculous · 02/09/2010 13:35

I agree with Tokyo.

Not the poster though.

I also agree with Bognor.

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