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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely shocked at my dad

90 replies

huddspur · 01/09/2010 23:50

I was at my parents house and my brother (10) was watching tv but my dad came into the room wanting to watch Poirot. He asked my brother for the remote and he refused and an argument built up. My dad then grabbed my brother pulled his jeans and pants down and smacked his bottom really hard 3 times and then shouted at him for being argumentative and disrespectful.

OP posts:

poshwellies · 01/09/2010 23:55

Poirot?

we in the 80's?

If so,no beatings are allowed.Slipper is best Irc.

DuelingFanjo · 01/09/2010 23:57

it's a bit shocking that a 10 year old would think he had a right to control the TV IMO. Not that I agree with smacking.

wineandroses · 02/09/2010 00:01

Did you protest? You should have - that's fucking outrageous! How dare he assault and humiliate your brother? I also think he does not respect your brother's right as a person living in that house to have a choice of tv programme. Your father is a controlling old fuck. You should tell him that his behaviour is completely unacceptable in this day and age. You will be doing your brother a big favour.

Vallhala · 02/09/2010 00:03

Poirot is still shown on one of the many channels my DDs seem to delight in posh. :)

It's hard to say whether you were reasonable in being shocked Hudd. Easier to agree or disagree with you feeling that smacking is unreasonable (which is a topic that I believe has been done to death here).

And that, imho, depends on the level of disrespect, the previous behaviour of your DB towards his father, previous warnings and all sorts of other behind the scenes, maybe unknown to you and certainly unknown to me other factors about DBs behaviour as well as the extent of the smacking.

Don't know, wasn't there, can't make my mind up but I wouldn't necessarily be shocked by a parent smacking a 10yo for serious, perhaps prolonged or continuous bad behaviour.

I know that I am in the minority here though.

ChippingIn · 02/09/2010 00:04

No Posh Poirot was on tonight - ITV I think?

huddspur you were shocked - so it's not normal for your Dad? Maybe he's been threatening your DB with it, if he doesn't stop with the arguing back?? It wouldn't be a punishment I'd choose for that 'crime', t you don't know what's come before it. Unlike a large portion of MN I don't consider a smack to be that bad - I'd be suprised it was needed on a 10 year old, but maybe your brother has been being a cheeky little sod pushing his luck for a while....?

I got smacked very occasionally as a child and always knew I had pushed my luck just that bit too far and I'd had plenty of warning that it was heading that way!.... it hasn't done me any harm and I haven't turned into some violent nutter who reacts with her fists!

How did your brother react?

What did your Dad say?

Original poster

huddspur · 02/09/2010 00:05

I didn't say but I think I should have as it was totally inappropriate imo. I'm also shocked because my dad never hit me or my sisters and I'm now worried this might happen regulary.

OP posts:

poshwellies · 02/09/2010 00:06

Am not getting involved in a smacking debate.

hmc · 02/09/2010 00:09

It sounds horribly disproportionate. I am more shocked by the humiliation aspect than the actual smacking...

Original poster

huddspur · 02/09/2010 00:09

Vall my brother and his/my dad don't get on brilliantly and my brother can be cheeky little git but I still don't feel like this was warranted/appropriate

OP posts:

Original poster

huddspur · 02/09/2010 00:14

ChippingIn my brother just went up to his room and I didn't see him again. My dad then put poirot on and didn't mention it again. The more I think about this the more wrong and shocking it seems. I think I might have a word with my mum tomorrow as I feel that pulling a 10yo boys pants down and smacking his bottom in front of his 24 yo sister is extremely wrong.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 02/09/2010 00:18

Huddspur do you live there? If you don't, you really don't know what has been leading up to it.

If you are worried you should speak to them both separately.

Wineandroses - there is nothing wrong with the adult being the adult in the house - he is not a controlling old fuck. Smacking you can debate the merits of - but it is not abuse. Frankly, parents like you who think that children should be able to do as they please, when they please cause far more problems than parents like Hudd's Dad.

Original poster

huddspur · 02/09/2010 00:23

ChippingIn I don't live there so I don't know what/ if there was anything building up to it and I know my brother is no saint

OP posts:

jasmeeen · 02/09/2010 00:24

Having been on the receiving end of smacking at a similar age in front of relatives, the humiliation rather than the pain is horribly degrading and I would NEVER do that to my own DCs. It makes me feel sick tbh.

hmc · 02/09/2010 00:26

I can completely relate to that jasmeeen

tinky19 · 02/09/2010 00:26

I agree with hmc, very humiliating for him at that age.

ChippingIn · 02/09/2010 00:27

I do have to say that if I got smacked at that age, it wouldn't have been in front of anyone else nor would my trousers and pants have been pulled down like that.

I still think if it's bothering you, you should just talk to both of them (on their own).

Lynli · 02/09/2010 00:55

I don't agree with smacking ever.

My DS is nearly 10 and DD1 is 24, if DH did that to DS in front of her he would be mortified.

My DM used to hit me, when I grew bigger than her I hit her back. She didn't do it again.

wineandroses · 02/09/2010 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

nickschic · 02/09/2010 10:24

Its hard to smack a 10 year old - tricky little blighters they run too fast

nickschic · 02/09/2010 10:24

^^^ that was a joke

DetectivePotato · 02/09/2010 10:30

I find the pulling of his trousers and pants in front of people at that age very disturbing.

I have given my DS a tap on the leg a couple of times but once he kicked me in the stomach and once in the face whilst I was doing his nappies. I didn't like doing it and I won't be making a habit of it.

Smacking to that degree for something like that seems way OTT.

You should ask if that is a regular occurance and ask if you think it was appropriate to totally humiliate him like that. Awful.

katkouta · 02/09/2010 10:59

I don't think the issue should be with the smacking, people obviously have different opinions of what is or isn't acceptable.

Pulling someones trousers down to to it,(at any age) however, is at best humiliating at worst abuse.

coppertop · 02/09/2010 11:09

Giving a 10yr-old child the message that it's okay for someone to pull down their trousers and pants like that is very worrying IMHO.

Dartsissolastseason · 02/09/2010 11:17

If the father typically over rides whatever the boy was watching/doing, then actually I'm not surprised that the boy said no, he may be getting pretty resentful by now.

In our house, if something is on tv that someone wants to watch we let people in the house know about it. We have two tvs, and negotiate who's watching what if things overlap. But DP and I never just come in and assume that we can ignore the children's feelings and simply change channels in the middle of something they are watching. It's not about letting children have what they want but about having some respect for the children.

If the boy is getting cheeky and argumentative, then is there something about the parenting that is triggering this attitude? If so, perhaps his parents need to step back and take a lok at what they are doing. Kids learn from parents, so his behaviour may be in response to things going on.

And yes, pulling down a 10 yr old's trousers to smack is not appropriate.

KurriKurri · 02/09/2010 11:47

Is there any way you can talk to your dad about this incident Hudd? Does it happen frequently when you are not there? I'd find the fact that he never smacked you or your older sisters, but is now smacking your little brother slightly worrying. I think most people would be more likely to turn from smackers into non-smackers than the other way round. (Just a feeling - no evidence).

It just sounds as if things have been really building up between them. I don't agree with smacking, but handing out a quick 'end of my tether' flick on the backside is sort of understandable if your DB has been particularly troublesome recently. But what you describe is deliberately humiliating and totally age innappropriate.

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