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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely shocked at my dad

90 replies

huddspur · 01/09/2010 23:50

I was at my parents house and my brother (10) was watching tv but my dad came into the room wanting to watch Poirot. He asked my brother for the remote and he refused and an argument built up. My dad then grabbed my brother pulled his jeans and pants down and smacked his bottom really hard 3 times and then shouted at him for being argumentative and disrespectful.

OP posts:
AllSheepareWhite · 04/09/2010 19:35

women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article6974059.ece Does it make a difference which paper writes the article, surely the quality of the research should be the deciding factor?

AllSheepareWhite · 04/09/2010 19:38

There is a clear difference between a single smack on the hand or bottom and a parent who beats a child, smacks them across the face or loses their temper and smacks a child in the manner of this OP's father. As I stated previously I believe the OP's father went too far, but lets not say all smacking is abuse.

clemetteattlee · 04/09/2010 19:40

All smacking is an abuse of power.
You might not like it, but you would struggle to explain how a bigger person striking a smaller person is not an abuse of their size and strength.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2010 19:57

Clemetteattlee - no I wouldn't, but I think it's time to agree to disagree.

Supercherry · 04/09/2010 20:54

ChippingIn- that's a cop out Wink

ChippingIn · 04/09/2010 20:57

No it's not. It's an adult conclusion to a discussion - I'm not really suprised you don't recognise it Wink

Supercherry · 04/09/2010 21:06

Didn't mean the 'agreeing to disagree' bit- meant the 'no I wouldn't' struggle to explain 'how a bigger person striking a smaller person is not an abuse of their size and strength' but then not actually explaining.

Why the personal insults?

thefirstmrsDeVere · 04/09/2010 21:35

Sounds like your dad was on his last nerve OP. I think it was fantastic of you to talk to him about it and for him to admit he was wrong and to apologise.

Doesnt sound like an abusive controlling git to me.

I am not pro smacking but I am not of the opinion that the odd one will scar a child emotionally for life. Of course it is better to remain in control but it bloody hard. I am on DC5 so have teens, toddlers, babies and inbetweens. I would love to say I never smack or shout but I havent got the brass neck.

The tv thing? I wouldnt turn over without warning but I certainly wouldnt allow one of my children to have control of what we watched! My DS has told me that she cant watch so and so programme because her DD 'wont let her turn Cebeebies off' Shock.

Never in a million years would that happen in my house.

I do lay down the law. Its my job. I have a teenage son and its a dangerous world out there. I would rather he resented me and staid alive than thought I was well cool and got shot/stabbed/arrested.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2010 21:56

Supercherry - do you remember this?

^Supercherry Sat 04-Sep-10 15:02:13
ChippingIn, I'll bet that if someone pulled your trousers down and smacked your bottom that you would think it fucking horrible.

I think it is fucking horrible, humiliating and uncalled for.

Allow me my opinion^

I explained to you how I felt earlier on - you asked me to let you have your opinion - so I did. I don't agree with you - end of, I am not obliged to make you see sense but you now want to jump into the middle of my 'conversation' with Clem, sorry, but I am not prepared to have any further discussion with someone who thinks any kind of a smack is 'fuckinghorrible' and cannot reason outside of that comment, it is a complete waste of my time.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 04/09/2010 22:12

allsheeparewhite - actually, it does make a difference which paper writes the article. The important information is buried in the third- and fourth-from-last paragraphs of that article: the slight benefits from smacking only applied where the kids stopped being hit by the time they were 6.
Also, the study didn't differentiate between never smacked, and never disciplined; I'm sure you'll agree this is a massive difference.
Oh, also the paper hasn't actually been published.

As far as I can see, in all the to-ing and fro-ing no-one has pointed out the bleedin' obvious, which is that if this behaviour is ongoing, then the smacking, er, isn't actually working...

mathanxiety · 05/09/2010 05:49

'DP/Scaryteacher/MajorP etc it's nice to know there are still a few parents around who aren't afraid to actually be parents and not have children who think the world revolves around them.'

But does this necessarily have to be achieved by pulling down pants and spanking?

About this behaviour:
It's a build-up, so the tack OP's father has been taking is not very effective (as TheHeathen says)

And the important part is that the father got involved in an argument with a 10 year old, an argument that escalated, and that culminated in a spanking. This is the opposite of a parent being a parent; it is a parent lowering himself to the level of a truculent child, and 'winning' the encounter by using the trump card of the playground -- pulling rank and size and hitting to put an end to the discussion.

Or perhaps....

?

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 07:29

Mathanxiety Do you have trouble following a thread? DP & I both said he shouldn't have pulled his sons pants down & smacked him like that and Scaryteacher & MajorP agreed with our posts - they were not agreeing to the smacking being done. If you are going to 'quote' me - at least have the decency to read the thread and keep my quotes in context.

Yes, Hudd's Dad did get into an arguement with his son and unless you are happy to have the children running the house (as some people clearly are) then it's always going to end up with the parent pulling 'rank and size' whether that ends up with the child being grounded, losing priviledges or being smacked. By 10 I don't think smacking is really the answer, but I also don't think it's abuse or lowering himself to the level of the child.

Supercherry · 05/09/2010 08:35

Chippingin this is an open forum not a private conversation. Anyone can give an opinion on any post. The only rules are about not making personal insults.

You seem to struggle with opinions that differ to your own, either cutting people off or turning to personal insults that are irrelevant to the discussion.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 09:09

supercherry you are the one who seems to struggle with opinions that differ to your own

^Supercherry Sat 04-Sep-10 15:02:13
ChippingIn, I'll bet that if someone pulled your trousers down and smacked your bottom that you would think it fucking horrible.

I think it is fucking horrible, humiliating and uncalled for.

Allow me my opinion^

Yes, it's an open forum and you can comment on any post you like - but when I said to Clem that I thought we should agree to disagree with - why did you feel the need to comment? Especially when you have already said you don't wish to discuss the issue?

Suggesting to Clem that we agree to disagree about smacking is not 'cutting people off', it is a circular conversation that is pointless and we are both entitled to our own opinion. You cut the conversation off by saying 'allow me my opinion'.

mathanxiety · 05/09/2010 17:36

ChippingIn, I referred to the exact lines I quoted in my earlier post, not to anything else. I do not see this incident as one where a parent showed himself to be unafraid to actually be a parent. And you have no reason to believe this particular child thinks the world revolves around him.

This wasn't about parenting in general and how the world is going to hell in a handcart because parents are afraid to lay down the law. The two of them got into an unseemly argument about a remote. There was a scene that could have been avoided in the first place, and didn't have to progress the way it did. It was a scene where the child led and the parent followed, right up to the moment when the parent pulled rank and size. So not an unafraid parent, not a parent at his best. I'm all for parents being parents. I do not think children should run a home, and it doesn't happen in my house.

Getting into an argument in the first place was where this particular dad lost. Allowing it to escalate further diminished his authority -- here, he was not being a 'parent in charge'. And stopping the argument with a humiliating slapping session was at the same level, imo. You are not the parent in charge when you argue with your child, when you allow an argument to escalate, and when you resort to spanking after a shaky start like that, it is too late to try to reassert your authority.

The child was taught nothing valuable by the experience of losing an argument with his father merely because he is not tall enough or strong enough (yet) to face off against his old man.

(And I still think this wouldn't have gone the way it did if control of the remote wasn't involved. Neither of them would have cared as much about something else.)

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