To be absolutely shocked at my dad

[huddspur]

I was at my parents house and my brother (10) was watching tv but my dad came into the room wanting to watch Poirot. He asked my brother for the remote and he refused and an argument built up. My dad then grabbed my brother pulled his jeans and pants down and smacked his bottom really hard 3 times and then shouted at him for being argumentative and disrespectful.

Carmen - I am the parent, what I say goes, I do not tolerate cheeky children who think that by refusing to do as they are asked they will get their own way. I am very consistent and fair in my expectations :) If I ask a child for the remote, I expect to be given it - I will not have an arguement about it. I never said I would turn the TV over without considering what they were watching, how interested I thought they were in it, how much longer it would be on, if I could record what I wanted to see or anything else - a 100 different things might go through my head - but I will not argue with a child about passing me the remote which I have asked for. End of.

I'm not entirely sure where you decided I was 'intimidating' children either??

If you wish to have children who are allowed to do as they please, that's your choice - just don't be too suprised when they are nightmare teenagers.

Oh and for the record I can show you plenty of teenagers/adults whose parents parent as I do and they are lovely - all are/have been adept at forming fair, pleasant relationships and communicating in a considerate, adult manner as they grow and mature? it's the ones who have been brought up to think the world revolves around them that have problems as they get older and find out that it just isn't so.

ChippingIn, I'm talking about the OP and the people who are defending the father in it. What he is doing is worlds away from what you are talking about. Pulling down pants + spanking = intimidation.

Err - right - so you weren't following on from your previous posts then? Okayyy

Anyway, we semi agree on the OP, I don't think what the OP's Dad did was abusive as some have said and I don't agree that it's intimidation either. It was seemingly over the top for the TV remote 'crime', but as the OP has explained he's being a right little shit handful right now and this was after a series of other things. He's definitely of an age though, where pulling his pants down and smacking him like that are not acceptable and especially in front of anyone, even his sister. Poor kid :(

Starbuck I was there, I know my own toddler and I know exactly what he was oing thank you very much.

He was kicking out, on purpose in order to kick me in the stomach, the second time he had been playing up all day. I went to change his nappy and he kicked out at my face. No this wasn't him randomly kicking with his legs, I do know the difference. He was trying to kick me on purpose.

Over 2 year olds don't lay and kick their legs for the sake of it, babies do but at that age, it was because he was acting up. Maybe some toddlers do but mine doesn't.

Carmensandiego "If adults treat children in this way, it's no wonder that children grow up selfish, resentful and unable to communicate sensibly"

I'm sorry but, what? I grew up with my step grandad waltzing in and turning the tv over when he wanted to, which was whenever I had it on and he was home. He also ruled by fear (not hitting, he never needed to) and adults were very much in control of children. I am not selfish, resentful and unable to communicate sensibly at all. In fact I appreciate that he was trying to do his best to bring me up to be a decent member of society, much like his own 2 children. I don't agree with ruling a child by fear but I see his point that it is very effective and it does work. However I would have been too afraid to tell him if I had got pregnant or something like that which is why I want my children to be able to come to me and I don't want them to fear my reaction.

I did resent some of the stuff when I was a teen, but I was going through a rough time anyway. At the end of the day, it was his house and children have to do as they are told. No wonder there are so many bratty kids around these days with parents thinking they are some sort of equal and have a right ot have a say in anything they feel like (not saying that applies to anyone on this thread, but I have witnessed what happens when you don't discipline your children and let them do what they want and the results are bloody awful to the point that I want nothing to do with certain members of my family).

"Oh and for the record I can show you plenty of teenagers/adults whose parents parent as I do and they are lovely - all are/have been adept at forming fair, pleasant relationships and communicating in a considerate, adult manner as they grow and mature? it's the ones who have been brought up to think the world revolves around them that have problems as they get older and find out that it just isn't so."

How I couldn't agree more!!!!!

Agree with Chipping In from DP's post above - and as the mother of one such teen, I am qualified to comment.

I have taught, and have contact with teens who rule the roost and are as my ds puts it, egotestical (the boys anyway), and they are nightmares. I prefer teens and children who are aware of the boundaries and respect them.

I don't get the jokey atmosphere on this thread- I think what the op describes is fucking horrible. Humiliating and bullying a small boy over a tv programme? I don't give a shit how the boy had behaved, that kind of punishment is sick and shows no respect for the child.

In my house if someone is watching a programme (and that includes the children) you don't just turn over. You wait until programme is finished or you ask if you can turn over. The dad needs to learn some manners and needs to re-think his discipline methods. One day his son is probably going to be bigger than him!

It is not 'fucking horrible' he smacked him, with his bare hand on his bum, he didn't beat him with a crowbar.

The punishment is not sick - he did not stand him outside in garden with no clothes on in the middle of winter.

Get a grip on what 'fucking horrible' and 'sick' really mean. Save your vitriol for people who actually deserve it.

He didn't do it 'over a tv program' he got to the end of his tether with a 10 year old who is being constantly cheeky & disrespectful etc

If you had read the whole thread you would have seen what Hudds Dad has said since the event.

There's a lot more harm done by parents who allow their children to rule the house than by a Dad who smacks his sons bum.

I'm with Chipping, completely.

It is a shame when parents lose control - I think it shows that the DF in question is a good parent, that he accepted his reaction was OTT for this particular incident and apologised to hudd and her DB.

I think admitting you get it wrong is an important part of parenting. My DF was very odd about the TV when I was younger - always threatening to throw it out the window due to TV rows, but he would never admit he was wrong. DF didn't smack but DM did, and I always respected DM more. She would say sorry if she went OTT, but I would usually be the one saying sorry as I respected her and knew I was being fairly punished.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1240279/Children-smacked-young-likely-successful-study-finds.html I was smacked by my dad, but my mum stopped him when they divorced (I was 9) as a result me and my brother felt we had the power over him and her as there was no final sanction other than talking, witholding or grounding which lets be honest does not work for every child. We behaved really badly, got involved in things that were dangerous to us and it is just sheer luck that we haven't ended up more screwed up. I wish that my mum hadn't undermined my dad and let us get away with it. All of this lets just talk stuff clearly doesn't work, of the many therapists I have known in my life who were never smacked the majority of their kids are on drugs, have been on drugs, have criminal records, one even became a prostitute. A smack on the bottom is not abuse (but maybe the pulling pants down went too far and smacking when you are angry and out of control is never a good idea as you are doing it for the wrong reasons). Lets stop coating our kids in cotton wool, real life is harsh and if you let your kids get away with whatever they want they will not be able to cope with failure and the real world you are sending them out into.

I doubt quoting the much loved Daily Mail will win you many fans!

ChippingIn, I'll bet that if someone pulled your trousers down and smacked your bottom that you would think it fucking horrible.

I think it is fucking horrible, humiliating and uncalled for.

Allow me my opinion.

Pulling trousers down was too far. Luckily the dad realised he had gone too far. To me that means he is a good parent. A bad one wouldn't have given a flying fuck about what he had done.

Fucking horrible and sick is locking your 3 year old in a cupboard barely big enough for them to move because they had the nerve to steal bread from the cupboard at night as all they were mainly fed dry bread and water, or pushing their face into their cereal when they were in their highchair because they wouldn't eat it, or flushing a toddlers head down the toilet.

I don't agree with what the dad did by pulling down the boys trousers but there are far far worse things out there. There are also parents who do these things and think they are completely in the right, this dad knows he was wrong and went too far.

Agree with ChippingIn and those of you who think it is ok, do it to your own children then call social services and/or the NSPCC to ask them what they think about it.

No? Funny that.

Ummm, we aren't going to do it to our own children because none of us actually agreed that the dad didn't go too far.

He did go too far, he realised that and he knew he had made a mistake. What, no parents here make mistakes and do something they sincerely regret with regards to their children?

You are talking crap.

What a vile thing to do.

Viz the thing of the boy doing things worse than you girls did, OP, I wonder if your Dad is being honest about that? Perhaps he just has a different attitude to a boy and perceives his behaviour as worse than that of a girl? And of course, girls have a different relationship with their dads, there's none of that alpha male jockeying stuff which will start happening when your brother hits teenagerhood and your dad had better start preparing to handle a bit bloody better than he did this one.

I am about the argument that just because there is worse abuse, this particular abuse doesn't need to be called. What this father did was a fucking horrible thing to do to a child, whatever the provocation.

And no YANBU. Glad you got it sorted.

The issue isn't that your father hit your brother in front of you. He shouldn't have done it full stop. If he gets belted for cheek what happens if he is properly naughty?

Carmensandiego, Chippingin doesn't agree that it's a 'fucking horrible' thing to do- are you sure you agree with this poster?

Herbeatitude- exactly what I was thinking.

Whoops, it's you I agree with Supercherry. It was early in the morning

Wish someone had spoken up for me when I was ten :(
It wasn't the beatings that kept me off drugs etc. The beatings, with or without pants on still 'hurt' my mind.
Discipline is loving your child and showing them the right way, and teaching them respect through example
But I'm not going to say how as I'm still learning

Chippin I agree with you 100%.

My ds can watch TV for a while if he asks but I'll say if theres something I particulary want to watch what time it is and I'm turning over. Same with PC he can use it if I'm not banking, sorting emails etc.

I think the problem is I'm picturing OPs DB as my friends dc's who will argue for hours about what they're watching even when she says dc1 I'll put that on first then dc2 you can watch the programme you want. God help her if she dares say only for 1/2 hour as I then want to watch something. WW3!!!

YANBU to be shocked OP especially as you weren't smacked but I'm glad you've sorted it. I was smacked so it wouldn't have shocked me iyswim.

Allsheep- "All of this lets just talk stuff clearly doesn't work, of the many therapists I have known in my life who were never smacked the majority of their kids are on drugs, have been on drugs, have criminal records, one even became a prostitute."

Funny that, because all the children I have ever taught who have been in serious trouble with the police were regularly smacked at home (one was smacked across the face in front of me at parent's evening.) There is a reason ALL evidence-based study and ALL the childrens' organisations/charities say smacking is wrong. But all power to you if you know better...

The OP's father obviously lost control and is sorry. But I repeatedly read threads where a man hits a woman having lost self-control and the woman is universally told to leave him because he will do it again. A parent who hits, especially in temper, normalises the action so it would rarely be a one off loss of control.