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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely shocked at my dad

90 replies

huddspur · 01/09/2010 23:50

I was at my parents house and my brother (10) was watching tv but my dad came into the room wanting to watch Poirot. He asked my brother for the remote and he refused and an argument built up. My dad then grabbed my brother pulled his jeans and pants down and smacked his bottom really hard 3 times and then shouted at him for being argumentative and disrespectful.

OP posts:

yellowflowers · 02/09/2010 11:50

It's definitely not on. You should talk to your brother and ask whether this happens regularly and then talk to your dad about it.

witlesssarah · 02/09/2010 12:10

huddspur I know you posted in AIBU but I'm going to respond to what I read behind this post, which is concern for your brother and perhaps some feelings from your own childhood dragged up.

I was smacked some as a child and it certainly impacted my relationship with my father as well as causing me some difficulties later. When I was in my 20's I witnessed my father hitting my younger sister (from a second marriage). Once he knocked her to the floor and she got her legs out to try and trip him from there - I was so proud of her, but so ashamed of myself because I didn't feel strong enough to stand up to him.

In the end I never resolved this with my father, who is now dead, but I have managed to talk it through with my sister who says she knew I supported her even if I couldn't stop it. So my advice would be, don't focus on your father (except in sorting it out in your own head) but do try to talk to your brother and see how he's doing.

Original poster

huddspur · 02/09/2010 13:16

I've spoken to my dad and he agrees that his reaction was OTT but said it was the culmination of my brothers recent behaviour which apparently has been terrible and worse than anything me or my sisters did.
My brother is much younger than his sisters (24,26,29) and he can be a brat but I've told him that I think what he did was highly humiliating and borders on being abusive and he did accept my point and said he would apoligise to my brother. He also apoligised to me for having to witness what he accepts was a loss of control from him.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 02/09/2010 13:21

Well done, is your brother OK?

hmc · 02/09/2010 13:31

That's a really positive outcome.

onagar · 02/09/2010 13:32

"Parents like you who clearly believe children should have no say in anything are bullies"

wineandroses, telling children what to do is the job you take on when you start having them. It's not much fun having to be the one that says no all the time, but anyone not prepared to do it should get a doll instead.

KurriKurri · 02/09/2010 14:05

I'm glad you've managed to have a talk Hudd, and it sounds as if your dad has taken on board what you've said.

Your DB is coming up to teenage years, and he's bound to push the boundaries before too long - it's part of development. He needs to know that although there will be consequences for bad behaviour, he won't be punished in this way.

DetectivePotato · 02/09/2010 15:11

I'm glad your dad has listened to you and is going to talk to your brother. Sounds like there is some bother going on at home though.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2010 08:46

WineandRoses I didn't see what else your post contained before it was deleted, but I assume it was aimed at me... and this was part of it "Parents like you who clearly believe children should have no say in anything are bullies"

Clearly I am such a bully that I end up with a house full of children who choose to come and stay, at the moment I have my friends two here who are 4 & 7 and wake up at 5.30 -my sitting room is currently being converted into some kind of pirate ship, we've had 2 spilt drinks and lots of boisterous playing - I haven't so much as raised my voice nor denied them anything, but when I want to turn Scooby Doo & the Pirates off and when I want the stuff put away, that is what will happen, I will not be asking the children if that's OK with them.

It's about teaching them to respect their parents and other adults and not giving them the impression that the world revolves around them.

Hudd - I'm glad you talked to your Dad about it. He's a lot older this time around and probably more tired :) Boys that age can be very hard work and being the youngest by a lot and a boy, he's probably been quite spoilt until now and probably feels quite 'entitled' to have things his own way, now that he's getting older his desires
are clashing more with your Dad's and are possibly getting quite unreasonable.... your Dad can probably see him turning into a tear away teenager and is trying to put a stop to it before it gets too bad. It's not easy to turn it around quickly x

DetectivePotato · 03/09/2010 10:01

Chipping apparently you are an idiot for your views that you posted.

I agreed with you though. Children should know that they are the child and you are the adult and at the end of the day, what you say goes regardless of how they feel about it.

booyhoo · 03/09/2010 10:18

i agree that children need to know who is the adult and who is the child. but i absolutely see what wineandroses said about a child becoming very frustrated ata parent constantly coming in an changing the channel without any discussion, any acknowldegement that they know the child is upset, no explanation that "I would really like to watch this programme. you have been watching your prgrammes and now i want to watch mine." etc. i don't think it is fair to simply lay down the law with no room for discussion. afterall, they are all members of the family and if this incident had taken that course it might have prevented the dad losing control and a boy getting smacked and humiliated. IMO if that can be prevented then you should do it.

booyhoo · 03/09/2010 10:19

can you tell my dad was the lay down the law type? there were many unnecessary rows over it and lots of built up resentment for my dad.

mummytime · 03/09/2010 10:24

Do you think what maybe underlying this are two key issues.

You brother is a boy. Boys behave very differently to girls (or can), they have different hormone surges and the freudian aspect that he is male and so it your father.

Second you brother is 14 years younger, that is a whole generation. There are lots of differences in how young people expect to be treated. My children would have told your father that he could be prosecuted for hitting him like that (they are 7, 11 and 14). That is only part of it.

Could your father attend a parenting course? Could your father and brother do something they both enjoy? Watch football, fishing, snooker, bike rides etc. I think they need to rebuild their relationship, and your father needs to work on being the father to a boy.

booyhoo · 03/09/2010 10:35

mummytime you could be onto something wrt the boy girl thing.

my uncle has two boys and two girls. he was violently abusive to his sons but his girls never got smacked once.

DetectivePotato · 03/09/2010 14:17

Oh I get the channel changing thing. I lived with my nan and step grandad and he did it to me all the time when I was a teenager. He didn't even ask but would walk in, pick the remote up from beside me and switch over, cue me walking out of the room. I hated it and thought it was really rude, but the OP did say, after talking to her dad this had been building up and there was obviously a lot more going on that jut this one incident. I am not condoning the punishment though. That was way too far.

I still agree that adults need to let children know that they are in charge though. I just think some could do it in better ways.

diddl · 03/09/2010 14:37

The pulling the pants down is just really odd imo.

I am just that anyone would do that -to a child of any age.

It seems such an old fashioned thing to do.

OP-glad you managed to talk to your Dad about it.

booyhoo · 03/09/2010 16:07

DP i agree, if his was building up it could have been the last straw, but, how do we know the dad's behaviour hasn't been exacerbating normal 10yo behaviour by the way he deals with it? some people just don't know how to talk to their children. tehy are of the children should be seen and not heard mindset and they consider children a nuisance, even their own. it could have been a result of the dad's bad handling of situations taht has led to this boy becoming more defiant or frustrated with his dad.

scaryteacher · 03/09/2010 20:40

It could also be booyhoo that the 10yo is a PITA.

I am firmly of the school that I am the grown up, and whilst it's nice if ds and I get on, I am the adult and I'm here to be his parent, not his friend. That doesn't mean he is seen and not heard, he is both visible and vocal, but he is not allowed to rule the roost. It may well be the same in this case.

MajorPettigrew · 03/09/2010 20:52

Completely agree with you scaryteacher

CarmenSanDiego · 03/09/2010 22:16

Pulling down pants and smacking is completely unacceptable. If you don't think there's anything wrong with that, call the NSPCC and ask for an opinion.

I actually think it's really mean of your father to interrupt your brother when he was watching television. It's disrespectful and rude, even if he is 'the adult.'

Why couldn't he have said, "At 8pm, I want to watch Poirot, ok?" and then they could have negotiated recording the brother's tv show or some such thing. If adults treat children in this way, it's no wonder that children grow up selfish, resentful and unable to communicate sensibly.

allbie · 03/09/2010 22:55

She's sorted it and 'dad' will think twice in the future. Situation improved greatly, well done huddspur.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2010 23:14

DetectivePotato - oh it's nice to know Wineandwhatever also thinks I'm an idiot - shame I didn't get to read her post before it got deleted - I wont be losing any sleep over her opinons of me

DP/Scaryteacher/MajorP etc it's nice to know there are still a few parents around who aren't afraid to actually be parents and not have children who think the world revolves around them.

Starbuck999 · 03/09/2010 23:31

Wineand roses - your first post is a bit ott. I agree he shouldn't have pulled his pants down in front of people though.

Detectivepotato - your todler deliberately kicked you whilst you were changing their nappy? Don't they just instinctively kick their legs whilst laying diwn having their nappie's changed?

Doesn't sound like the smacked bum is going to do the 10 yr old any long term damage though, chill out about it.

booyhoo · 03/09/2010 23:36

well i am certainly not afraid to actually parent my children. but i parent with the knowledge that laying don the law and demanding submission of my children will lead to resentment, frustration and at some point a far more strained relationship with my children than there need be. i know that if i explain why things are to be done a certain way then i am far more likely to get co-operation from my children and teach them that they are respected as members of the family. children are people with feelings, thoughts and opinions and a right to be heard, if not by their parents then who?

CarmenSanDiego · 04/09/2010 02:24

Quite, booyhoo.

Which child is going to be more adept at forming fair, pleasant relationships and communicating in a considerate, adult manner as they grow and mature?

The child who has had considerate parents who have been consistent in their approach and fair in their expectations, or the parents who regularly overrule and intimidate their child just because they are the adult and therefore their needs and wants are somehow more important?

The answer seems pretty obvious to me and is backed up by plenty of child development studies and researchers.

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