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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for telling DH not to let DS pick up mud with his hands?

93 replies

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 18:42

DS is 2.7 and loves to dig in the garden. He has his own little spades and was out there quite happily with DH watching him whilst I was getting tea.

I could hear DH saying "don't let mummy see you doing that, she will have a fit"

I looked out of the window and DS was digging in the dirt with his hands. Yes I know I have issues with not liking dirty hands etc and I am probably OTT but there are several cats in this area and 2 live next door where the garden is just concrete so they have nowhere to go to the toilet. I suspect there are many cats that use our garden. I have seen them in the front.

I told DH that he shouldn't let DS do it with his hands as it is probably riddled with cat poo but he has this attitude that because DS is a child, he should be allowed to play in whatever dirt he can. He let DS carry on and I could here him whispering to him. When I insisted that he stop DS as he could be playing with cat poo, DH still didn't think that would be a problem and got really huffy with me. Once we went out to a park and it had been raining the day before and there was a massive muddy puddle. I told DH who was near DS to stop him from jumping in the puddle without wellies on as it was a massive puddle (not your ordinary little puddle on the street but a big one in the grass, DS also had his brand new shoes on), his clothes would have got filthy and we had nothing to change him into. DH said "oh he is fine" 2 seconds later DS fell over in the puddle and was covered in water and mud and we had to get back in the car with him like that (visit to the park was an impromptu).

I know I need to let kids be kids but I also feel that DH is too much the other way and seems to think DS should be getting filthy for the sake of it.

OP posts:

EgyptVanGogh · 01/09/2010 19:01

It's actually much, much worse for your child to hear your DH say "don't let mummy see you doing that, she will have a fit.'

It says:

'Daddy and mummy do not agree on the rules.'

'Daddy does not respect mummy's opinion.'

'Daddy is, for some reason, letting you know this, instead of either saying, 'don't dig in the dirt' or 'yes you may dig in the dirt' then attempting to re-negotiate the dirt rules with mummy later in private.'

'It's OK to lie to mummy as long as you don't get caught'.

'It's OK to lie as long as you don't get caught.'

'The rules of women are silly and we mustn't pay attention.'

Don't really need to go on. You and DH need to sort out a way to communicate, negotiate, and agree on stuff.

Just keep an old set of clothes in the car.

FGS let your child dig in dirt and jump in puddles and make mistakes and get wet and dirty etc.

Pick up obvious cat poo if you see it.

YABU

curlymama · 01/09/2010 19:05

What Egypt said.

Just use it as a reason to help teach your ds about the importance of handwashing. Presumably he would be supervised anyway and would be stopped from eating any cat poo?

Morloth · 01/09/2010 19:06

DetectivePotato "...think DS should be getting filthy for the sake of it."

I think he is right, he also gets to decide what he thinks is OK (as in the garden thing).

For the new shoes and muddy puddle I would have taken the nice ones off and let him play in the puddle barefoot then just tossed him in the car naked.

Your DS doesn't need to be wasting his childhood worrying about not getting dirty.

LackingInspiration · 01/09/2010 19:10

YABU

What's wrong with getting filthy for the sake of it? It's just fun! Don't curb his natural, happy curiosity about life.

massivemammaries · 01/09/2010 19:15

YABU - let him get dirty and dig with his hands - the muck will do him good in all honesty anyway. He is a child, let him be a filthy little creature now and again.

At the risk of sounding like a silly old fart I will say that the problem with folk these days is just that - not enough muck, thats why there is so much chronic illness around and weak immune systems. The body needs exposure to a broad spectrum of bacteria in order to learn to deal with it.

I don't blame your husband for saying that to your son either - you are too up tight IMO

franklampoon · 01/09/2010 19:17

why should your views on this be more important than your dh's?

I am of the muddy persuasion myself

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 19:18

I didn't like the whole "don't let mummy see you" either. I will be talking to my DH about that as it does say what Egypt said.

This puddle was far too big to just take shoes off, it would have been shoes and trousers and it was a cold winters day. Like I said, it wasn't just a puddle on the street but a massive mudbath in the grass.

DS is very good at washing his hands, definitely don't need to teach him that one, he loves doing it.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/09/2010 19:19

fgs!! yout dh sounds like he has some sense!!

i assume he's the biological father?? because if so,why do your 'rules' over ride his view/opinion?? its his child too...

TheUnmentioned · 01/09/2010 19:20

yabvu.

he is a child, they get messy, they touch germs, who cares?

always have spare clothes, wipes, hand gel etc and youre away

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 19:20

I am not uptight thank you. I just didn't like the idea of my child playing with cat shit or putting a very muddy wet child in his carseat.

DS is exposed to plenty of dirt, my house is not as clean as it could be.

OP posts:

zeno · 01/09/2010 19:22

What Egypt said. To me, it's all about the undermining, not the dirt.

I can see, however, why you might be reluctant if there's a lot of cat poo, since toxoplasmosis is a bona fide risk.

Perhaps you could compromise - playing is fine, but strictly no ingesting or inhaling, and always wash hands and face properly afterwards.

Mud good, undermining between parents bad.

zeno · 01/09/2010 19:25

Oh, and regarding big puddles, we keep a scrubby towel and a spare set of clothes in the boot. Saves a lot of troublesome filth prevention.

franklampoon · 01/09/2010 19:26

Perhaps your dh is saying that stuff to your ds to avoid confrontation with you? Perhaps he thinks you would make an almighty fuss, or insist on things being done your way?

NormalityBites · 01/09/2010 19:29

VVVVVVVVU, your poor DS. What is next, no play-doh, no baking?

domesticsluttery · 01/09/2010 19:31

YABU, mud is good.

Although I would be a bit if DH said "don't let mummy catch you doing that" as you do have to find a middle ground and agree on it, otherwise the DC will play you off against each other as they get older!

ChippingIn · 01/09/2010 19:33

DP - I'm all for letting them get filthy and not being overly precious about their clothes etc - but I wouldn't have let him play in a puddle that size, with new shoes on, when you've only just arrived at the park - I agree - that's madness! Mums normally end up with more 'say' because it's normally Mums who do the cleaning, sorting, buying, washing and thinking.

As for the garden - not sure, I would have a proper look to see if there really is much risk of toxoplasmosis if there is you need to try some Lion Poo or something to deter the cats because it's your garden and DS should be able to play in the mud.

DH yes, you definitely need to talk to as per Egypts post.... Words.Would.Be.Had.

SweetGrapes · 01/09/2010 19:35

Agree with others. The dirt is fine - the undermining is not.

Oblomov · 01/09/2010 19:37

YABU
don't wear new shoes when your going somewhere when there is going to be puddles. bad idea anyway.
clear away cat pooh regularly, put up a cat deterent thingy and then let him play without worry.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 01/09/2010 19:37

yabu mud pies rule.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 01/09/2010 19:39

I haven't seen a more comprehensive and accurate reply to a post in a long time, egypt has covered every angle perfectly.

Mud good, undermining bad.

It does beg the question whether you would allow dh to disagree with you on this matter. Because your issues should not restrict ds's development.

Could you have a covered area of earth for ds to dig in? So you could feel safe about there being no cat shit and ds could get good and dirty?

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 19:42

Normality you are being OTT, no where have I said no play dough or baking.

I should try and deter the cats as I do want DS to be able to play safely out there without the cat shit around.

I take the lead with parenting as
1, I am a SAHM and
2, that is the way we have always done things and DH 'lets' me.

Chipping at least you get it about the park. He spent the whole time playing, absolutely dripping in mud and water.

OP posts:

cat64 · 01/09/2010 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 19:43

Oblomov I did say the visit to the park was impromptu. Thats why DS had his only pair of shoes on and we didn't have wellies with us.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/09/2010 19:44

Kids & DH's need to learn there is a time and a place and just because there is a puddle you can't always jump in it?!

All of you saying that he should be allowed to jump in the puddle - do you let your kids do that when you are on your way to school, the shops, a wedding??

LadyBiscuit · 01/09/2010 19:47

I wouldn't let my DS jump in a big puddle with new shoes on either (although he has fallen over with his wellies on). But playing in the mud in the garden is fine. Cat shit is pretty easily identifiable and toxoplasmosis poses no real risk to healthy children - it's only people with compromised immune systems and pregnant women who really need to worry

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