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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for telling DH not to let DS pick up mud with his hands?

93 replies

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 18:42

DS is 2.7 and loves to dig in the garden. He has his own little spades and was out there quite happily with DH watching him whilst I was getting tea.

I could hear DH saying "don't let mummy see you doing that, she will have a fit"

I looked out of the window and DS was digging in the dirt with his hands. Yes I know I have issues with not liking dirty hands etc and I am probably OTT but there are several cats in this area and 2 live next door where the garden is just concrete so they have nowhere to go to the toilet. I suspect there are many cats that use our garden. I have seen them in the front.

I told DH that he shouldn't let DS do it with his hands as it is probably riddled with cat poo but he has this attitude that because DS is a child, he should be allowed to play in whatever dirt he can. He let DS carry on and I could here him whispering to him. When I insisted that he stop DS as he could be playing with cat poo, DH still didn't think that would be a problem and got really huffy with me. Once we went out to a park and it had been raining the day before and there was a massive muddy puddle. I told DH who was near DS to stop him from jumping in the puddle without wellies on as it was a massive puddle (not your ordinary little puddle on the street but a big one in the grass, DS also had his brand new shoes on), his clothes would have got filthy and we had nothing to change him into. DH said "oh he is fine" 2 seconds later DS fell over in the puddle and was covered in water and mud and we had to get back in the car with him like that (visit to the park was an impromptu).

I know I need to let kids be kids but I also feel that DH is too much the other way and seems to think DS should be getting filthy for the sake of it.

OP posts:
greentriangle · 01/09/2010 20:49

Puddle incident: DH totally in the wrong because of new shoes. My DS is 4.6 and my DD is 2.6. I would have explained to both of them that you don't jump in deep puddles in new shoes. You jump in deep puddles in wellies and you can jump in small puddles in shoes if you are not on the way somewhere etc. Sounds like your DH also needs this basic information!

Mud incident: I have a cat poo problem in my back garden. Despite deterrents such as olbas oil and tea bags and other things, cats still crap in my back flower bed. I shovel it up every time I am out there and still I cannot keep up. There are at least 5 cats neighbouring my property so I have no chance really. Both kids know that cats poo in the back flower bed and they are not allowed to dig in it. They help me dig/water/plant pots because there isn't any crap there. It's not the mud that's the problem, it's the cat poo and it is really disgusting. Ridiculous to let a toddler play in this area when the mother is pregnant.

I think your DH sounds like the sort of person who just thinks "mud is good" without actually thinking it through properly. A toddler with cat shit under their nails etc is very much not good if the mother is pregnant. Ruining a pair of new shoes in a deep muddy puddle is silly and my 2 year old knows that FGS.

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:52

So you haven't found a deterent for the cats then? Bugger I was wondering what would work.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/09/2010 20:54

I think it sounds Ike you are treating your DH like a child with all this telling him how to parent. Which is why he acts Ike one with the conspiratorial whispering.

greentriangle · 01/09/2010 20:55

Sometimes you can stop them if you know where they are getting in - put spikes on the top of the gate etc. I'm trying that next!

TheBeast · 01/09/2010 20:55

ChippingIn - Sorry, where does it say the husband is "happy" about letting OP take the lead?

The OP said:
I take the lead with parenting as
1, I am a SAHM and
2, that is the way we have always done things and DH 'lets' me.

I don't get the impression that the poor man has been given any option in this. Even the word "lets" is in quotation marks, suggesting this is just appeasement on his part.

The fact that someone is a SAHM does NOT, absolutely NOT, give them the right to lay down the rules and expect their word to be law. Anything important should be discussed and agreed although one of the things that can be agreed is that slightly different rules apply depending on which parent is actively looking after the child at any given time. In other words that while one parent is looking after the child there will be no playing with mud but that this is allowed when the other parent is.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2010 20:55

who the hell is Ike?? like.
I meant LIKE.

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:56

I don't tell him how to parent. He has always taken my lead and asked me as I read up stuff and talk about things a lot more with friends so generally have more idea. Plus I am at home with DS all day so I am used to dealing with him a lot more that DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:57

He is happy to let me take the lead, which is why he asks me advice on stuff and how I deal with it during the day.

Chipping has it right. If he had a serious problem with my parenting I wouldn't deliberatly do the opposite, I would listen to his point of view.

OP posts:
winnybella · 01/09/2010 20:57

I agree with you re puddle- I mean if it was an impromptu visit to the park in new clothes etc.
I think puddles are great and am all for kids getting dirty, but sometimes it's just not the best moment for that.

But wrt the cat poo- frankly, it's everywhere. In children's parks, if there's a sandpit, I guarantee you that there is cat poo.

If your DS will wash his hands after playing in the mud, I really do not understand your issue here- he is not risking anything.

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:58

'lets' is in quotation marks as I don't need his permission on how to parent when I am the one at home dealing with DS all day.

OP posts:
Dione · 01/09/2010 20:59

You were not prepared for the park trip. You bad. Lesson here is don't take your kid to a muddy park in new shoes. Lesson for the kid, if you don't do what you're told you'll have a cold ride home. I take it the lessons have been learnt.

As for digging in the garden, you are being unreasonable to expect DC to be in the garden and not handle the mud. As I see it you could stop DS from playing in the garden or tarmac over the garden so you can see and get rid of cat poo before DS plays there. Alternatively you could change your attitude to dirt. I sympathise with it being you who has to clean the muddy floors, clothes and shoes, but that's what mums do.

ChippingIn · 01/09/2010 20:59

DetPot no you don't have mental health issues! You have anti-dirt mental health issues because you don't want a child in new shoes, who is going somewhere else after to jump in puddles and play with cat poo.... perhaphs we could see if they will give us discounted therapy for you, me & all my RL friends!! (come on MNHQ you know you want to give me one of those!!)

Hi Greentriangle - nice to have a bit more commonsense arrive on the scene Grin

TheBeast · 01/09/2010 21:02

DetectivePotato - But if you say playing with mud is wrong and he disagrees and says it is OK, your rule trumps his, is that right?

If that is not dictatorial, I don't know what is.

Morloth · 01/09/2010 21:02

We used to have horseshit mud fights when I was a girl.

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 21:03

Yes, the therapy sounds necessary for me I think after coming on here and realising how 'bad' I am for not wanting a child in new shoes to jump in a deep puddle and play with cat shit. Grin

Oh and I obviously oppress DH's parenting too. Maybe I need some additional therapy to deal with that too. Grin

OP posts:
Morloth · 01/09/2010 21:04

If you are so certain you are not being unreasonable, why did you ask?

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 21:05

"We used to have horseshit mud fights when I was a girl." PMSL, really!

I had a grass fight, does that mean I don't have "anti dirt mental health issues?"

(although my eyes swelled shut as it was the first summer I realised I had hayfever).

OP posts:
Original poster
DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 21:06

Why does anyone ask? To be told they are not, surely. Grin

I wouldn't have thought people would post with the intention of people telling them that they ABU.

OP posts:
EgyptVanGogh · 01/09/2010 21:13

I want to clarify:

Your DH undermined you and encouraged a sexist, secretive attitude.

But...he needs to have the balls to stand up to you to your face.

And you need to accept that despite the fact that you are a SAHM, and he 'lets' you 'take the lead,' he doesn't need your permission on how to parent.

This does not mean he doesn't need to listen to you and take your reasonable, well-researched ideas seriously.

'Letting you' make the parenting rules is about him being lazy. He 'lets' you when he doesn't bother to do the research, experiment, etc. He lets you do the legwork. When he disagrees, he just goes behind your back.

You like the control of taking the parenting lead.

Let me assure you, in a couple of years, you will be on AIBU complaining that you are the one having to do all the thinking, the planning, the researching, the organizing, the remembering, the dust-seeing, everything, no time for yourself, no head space, exhausted, bitter, burned out, taken for granted, etc.

I'm sorry to be harsh, I'm not feeling well. I know what I'm talking about here.

cumfy · 01/09/2010 21:16

I wouldn't have thought people would post with the intention of people telling them that they ABU.

Ummm, you haven't quite got the hang of this forum, methinks.Wink

You asked for a reality check, and you appear to have got it. You can lead a horse to water.......

cumfy · 01/09/2010 21:20

Rule 1: Don't take AIBU personally

I got pissed on from all angles with my 1st post

undercovamutha · 01/09/2010 21:28

IME you need to agree a middle ground with your DH.

I have found in the past that when I have been a bit OTT with the DCs (re. taking risks, keeping clean etc), it has almost made DH go subconsciously to the opposite extreme IYSWIM. Like he felt like he had to show the DCs the other side of life (he is actually a risk taker by nature whereas I am totally risk averse).

I found that when I had a chat with DH and we both agreed to stop being OTT, it was a lot better. I have actually managed to be quite good (for me!) lately and have done lots of impromptu summer things such as letting DD go paddling in the local park even though we had no spare clothes, and it wasn't that warm. She had a whale of a time - AND NOONE DIED!!!

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/09/2010 21:34

I kept DS1 spotless, out of puddles, no playing with dirt etc all his jabs religiously visiting HV for check ups. He was always picking up bugs/colds/coughs/ear infections etc

DS2 is a proper dirt magnet....you can bath him turn round and he is filthy again, is forever jumping in puddles, a big ones at that. Plays with dirt. Not had any jabs since he was under 12m and is healthy as can be.

YABU let him get dirty

greenfanta · 01/09/2010 21:38

i'm pretty sure your dh would have spotted any cat poop in ds vicinity, it usually stinks pretty good or would be covered in that wierd fungus that grows on it. he'd get washed anyway wouldn't he? both my dds still like getting muddy 10 & 11!

missbeehiving · 01/09/2010 21:44

I'm afraid my DC's play in mud and get wet. Dirt washes out of clothes and off children. So I think that you are a bit U. As for DH, I feel a bit sorry for him really. Sounds like he doesn't really agree with the parenting choices you have made but is afraid to tell you.

A a bit more advice, don't post on AIBU, if you clearly consider yourself to be the most reasonable person in existance and just want some affirmation of that. You ain't gonna get it on here.