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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for telling DH not to let DS pick up mud with his hands?

93 replies

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 18:42

DS is 2.7 and loves to dig in the garden. He has his own little spades and was out there quite happily with DH watching him whilst I was getting tea.

I could hear DH saying "don't let mummy see you doing that, she will have a fit"

I looked out of the window and DS was digging in the dirt with his hands. Yes I know I have issues with not liking dirty hands etc and I am probably OTT but there are several cats in this area and 2 live next door where the garden is just concrete so they have nowhere to go to the toilet. I suspect there are many cats that use our garden. I have seen them in the front.

I told DH that he shouldn't let DS do it with his hands as it is probably riddled with cat poo but he has this attitude that because DS is a child, he should be allowed to play in whatever dirt he can. He let DS carry on and I could here him whispering to him. When I insisted that he stop DS as he could be playing with cat poo, DH still didn't think that would be a problem and got really huffy with me. Once we went out to a park and it had been raining the day before and there was a massive muddy puddle. I told DH who was near DS to stop him from jumping in the puddle without wellies on as it was a massive puddle (not your ordinary little puddle on the street but a big one in the grass, DS also had his brand new shoes on), his clothes would have got filthy and we had nothing to change him into. DH said "oh he is fine" 2 seconds later DS fell over in the puddle and was covered in water and mud and we had to get back in the car with him like that (visit to the park was an impromptu).

I know I need to let kids be kids but I also feel that DH is too much the other way and seems to think DS should be getting filthy for the sake of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 19:48

I am actually pregnant although DH would have cleaned up DS if he did have any on him.

Will talk to him later about the undermining thing, he has just gone swimming now.

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 01/09/2010 19:50

Good - I think that's the main thing. My parents used to do it a lot and I hated it. And congrats on your pregnancy :)

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 19:51

Thanks. Parents do need to have a united front. I hate the whole thing where DCs know they can play one off against the other (once they are older, although they learn that pretty young).

OP posts:

cumfy · 01/09/2010 19:56

Hold the front page:

"Child plays in mud"

I get the cat poo/toxoplasmosis angle, but I suspect that someone with your undoubted perceptive powers would have spotted any evidence a while back. Perhaps nextdoors have litter trays; sure they wouldn't mind you asking.

But..
"Once there was this puddle and my DS ....."
Give me strength.

Morloth · 01/09/2010 20:03

Did anything bad happen from playing whilst dripping with mud and water? Bad as in not mildly inconvenient for you?

DS1 is frequently muddy, even in the winter, it happens, it doesn't matter.

I jokingly say to DS "Don't tell Daddy about this" when I am being over indulgent, DH does the same thing when he is doing something he knows I would probably worry about. DS1 couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it so the first thing he does on seeing the other parent is to announce exactly what he was told to keep secret and the fact that he was asked to do so.

Really, this is just normal kid stuff.

zapostrophe · 01/09/2010 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:07

cumfy yes I am sure next door have liiter trays, when the cats are outside all day and there is no catflap and I can hear them yowling to go in and I have caught one in my kitchen when I have opened to window too wide.

I have thought of this you know. They are shitting outside as they are outside all the bloody time.

And it wasn't just about a child playing in mud as my posts have said.

OP posts:

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:08

"anti-dirt lunacy"

Just out of interest, would you say that to someone who had been diagnosed with OCD?

OP posts:

Sibble · 01/09/2010 20:08

yabu - my ds's constantly make mud slides in the 'garden' we have sheep, chickens, rabbits and cats running wild so plenty of poo out there. Last night they were literally covered from head to foot and were smearing the squidgy mud on their faces - quick shower no problem and neither have ever got sick.

Same with puddles. I would have taken the new shoes off and let him go for it. DS2 ran fully clothed into the sea mid winter a few weeks ago and had a ball. I usually have a change of clothes in the car - not this time, stripped him off, sat him in car sear wrapped in my top until we got home when he had a warm shower. No problem.

jamaisjedors · 01/09/2010 20:10

Oh god I do what your DH does (including the undermining unfortunately, will try and put a stop to that).

DH can't stand to see the DC get dirty and is always fussing at them about it and I find it stressful.

After many confrontations where there is no compromise (could this be you?) I find it easier to let them do things like jump in puddles or make mud pies when DH is not around.

Morloth · 01/09/2010 20:11

I think it is good to "challenge" your/their bodies a bit actually. With cold and wet and heat etc. People are so bloody soft nowadays and our kids live in such comfort. They never really know what it is to be hungry or cold or uncomfortable.

How can you appreciate being warm and dry and and clean and fed if you haven't had the opposite? At least a little bit.

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:11

Sibble I did say that it wasn't just a puddle, would have had to remove trousers as well in the middle of winter. It was freezing hence the fact that we were all wrapped up in our winter coats and it was very windy. Funnily enough I am not going to strip DS off and let him run around like that when it is freezing cold.

OP posts:

jamaisjedors · 01/09/2010 20:12

But if you are OCD, I can see even more why your DH would just let your child go for it but try to hide it so it didn't stress you it.

What you don't know can't hurt you and all that?

jamaisjedors · 01/09/2010 20:13

Sorry, extra "it"...

... so it didn't stress you out.

cumfy · 01/09/2010 20:21

Have you had an OCD diagnosis ?

zazen · 01/09/2010 20:25

Your son's childhood is one thing
Your Dh undermining you is another thing and your OCD is another thing.

I suggest you look at these three separately.

Your child needs a normal childhood - that means learning that jumping in puddles is fun, and it can freeze his legs if he gets wet through. Both these things need to be learned.

Your DH was clumsy in his choice of words and I got the same feeling as Egypt with the "Don't tell mummy about this..." so he needs to rethink how he refers to you.

Your OCD is presume is being treated? meds and Cognitive behaviour therapy? If not, go and see someone, as you really have to let go about the mud.
It is more important that your DS plays outside and gets dirty than you feel you are in control of every toxiplasmosis bacterium in the universe.

Sorry but let the mud go. Your child needs to be dirty. your Dh needs to find out a way of setting the rules himself, without involving comments about big bad mummy.

Good luck with it Potato.

TheBeast · 01/09/2010 20:31

Before you criticise the husband too much for the undermining thing, it does seem that OP has a habit of laying down the rules without discussing it them with her husband e.g. "I insisted that he stop DS" and "I told DH who was near DS to stop him from jumping in the puddle".

Against this kind of dictatorial attitude, while perhaps against the rules of good joint parenting, I can see there might be some pleasure to be had in a little conspiracy with the child to resist the dictats and have some fun.

jamaisjedors · 01/09/2010 20:33

Sounds familiar to me thebeast !

Cretaceous · 01/09/2010 20:40

I agree with Egypt, but I also agree with Thebeast.

From what you've posted, I worry that you'll now give your DP a hard time about undermining your authority, while not addressing the other issues re embracing dirt.

ChippingIn · 01/09/2010 20:42

TheBeast - DetectivePotato has already said that she is the SAHP and her and her DP are happy for her to take the lead. It's perfectly normal no matter how much waffling goes on about 'joint parenting' - it's mostly a myth.

Zazen - children also need to learn there's a time and a place for all kinds of behaviour - you don't have to let them jump in every single puddle when it's not suitable.

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:44

Just to clarify, I never said or pretended that I have OCD. I have never been to the docs as if it is, it isn't bad enough to need any sort of treatment.

I wanted to know if cumfy would say "anti dirt lunacy" to someone with OCD. People should think before they say ridiculous comments like that.

I don't have a dictorial attitude. DH has always taken my lead with parenting and been happy to, I listen to him on things as well, he just doesn't have a different opinion most of the time. Ultimately I am the one doing the washing etc trying to get caked in mud out of DS's winter coat, if it had been a 'normal' puddle, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Children should be able to jumpt in muddy puddles. This one was halfway up DS's calf and was enormous, as I said before it was not just a puddle and he had brand new shoes on. We were suppose to be going somewhere after but we couldn't as DS was so caked in mud and soaking wet which is why I told DH to stop him from jumping in the 'puddle'.

OP posts:

zapostrophe · 01/09/2010 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:46

Thank you chipping I always seem to find myself agreeing with you on threads.

And it is true about them learning they can't jump in every puddle there is if it isn't appropriate at that time.

OP posts:

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:47

I have mental health issues do I?

OP posts:

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 01/09/2010 20:48

Sorry cumfy it wasn't you who said "anti dirt lunacy. " Apologies.

OP posts:

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