Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself from dp's children?

33 replies

2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 12:49

I've been with dp for just over a year - although we've been good friends for a long time and my children know him and his kids well, and vice versa. We don't live together but he often stays over and when he has his kids every other weekend, they've chosen to stay at mine. I'm under no illusion it's cos they're so fond of me, it's bigger house, they don't need to share a bed, there's a trampoline, a ps3, kids dvds etc..not much of which is available at their dads bachelor pad Smile. However, dp's ex is a bit of a pain..she texts, and phones after every visit - we did this wrong, the kids didn't like it when I said..., my kids were mean to her kids, it's boring at my house etc etc. Last weekend her eldest said something to their mum when they went home and she went ballistic - I don't know what was said and I don't want to, but there have been blazing arguments between her and dp, abusive texts, shouting outside her house, since then. I want absolutely no part in any of that, and I don't want my children hearing about any of it either - so am I being unreasonable to say to my dp that from now on, when he sees his kids it's at his place on their own and I'd rather not hear anything about any hassles with his ex?
Sorry if I've gone on a bit

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 01/09/2010 12:51

no I think it's fine to disentangle yourself from all that. For now, I'd leave him to meet up with his kids, have them to stay at his place. sounds too stressful and tense for me.

pinkthechaffinch · 01/09/2010 12:52

YANBU, thank goodness you don't all live together so you at least have the option of distancing yourself.

ZZZenAgain · 01/09/2010 12:52

just tell him you don't want to contribute in any way to escalating the bad feeling there is between them.

Leave them to get on with it. Later maybe if you two are staying together longer term, you'll need to tackle it but I wouldn't want it affecting my own kids

oldenoughtowearpurple · 01/09/2010 12:54

YANBU at all. She clearly doesn't want her kids at your house anyway and there is Unfinished Business between DP and her. Quite right to distance yourself. Shame for the kids though.

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 13:04

Thank you all - any ideas on how to get across to his kids that it's not that I don't like them or that they're being punished for something, it's just that I'm finding the whole situation with their arguing so stressful?
Obviously I'm not going to slag their mum or dad off!

OP posts:
nelliesmum · 01/09/2010 13:15

I would carry on all meeting up together outside the house though, how old are the children?

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 13:19

9 and 12 - same as mine.

OP posts:
mumbar · 01/09/2010 13:32

OP - well done for putting your dc's and dp dc's first.

I would just say to dp dc's that they obviously aren't happy with shring their ddad with you and your dc's at the weekend so you respect that and will give them the time they deserve alone with ddad. I agree with nelliesmum that meting up outside the house would help to keep communication between you.

I can't help feeling that when they realise things aren't that bad at yours they will want to stay their again and then you can state that you'll try it again on the agreement they don't slate them to her mum.

zapostrophe · 01/09/2010 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 13:34

Not sure about meeting up - not that I don't want to see kids, it's just that they get quizzed when they go home, or they quite innocently remark about something that we did, and their mum just goes nuts - so at the moment I feel that it's better if my kids and I don't have anything to do with their weekends with their dad and then any arguments cannot have anything to do with me at all.
She and DP def have unfinished business (nothing to do with me I hasten to add - they'd been apart for many years before I met him, and she's happily - I assume - engaged to someone else now), they have never managed to reach any agreement about the kids, or anything else for that matter, and I must admit, I think that dp is partly to blame for that - they both seem to almost enjoy fighting, and he certainly isn't capable of ignoring her calls and deleting unread texts, as I have suggested in the past. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 13:36

Zapostrophe, I suspect you're right, but I can't carry on like this just so she doesn't get what she wants. Think there's too much of that going on in this situation already!

OP posts:
grapeandlemon · 01/09/2010 13:48

I can relate to this early on in dh and I relationship. Although I had no children anything I said was relayed and criticised by his ex w. It was very much a way of her trying to gain control. I totally backed off and stopped trying to make them like me.
Do you know what? It worked 100 percent. They started to send me birthday cards and stopped drip feeding about us to their mum. We all have a great relationship now and I am glad I stepped back from it all in the beginning.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 01/09/2010 13:58

How about relaying to your dp that you are concerned for his relationship with his dc's and him and feel its best for him if he has them at his house until things calm down a little etc.

You could (whilst his kids are not around) help him furnish his bachelor pad in a more family friendly way. Quick trip to Ikea / freecycle for the odd thing / charity shops etc so they have more kid friendly time at his house.

Also think maybe meeting up with him and his kids away from the house, ie meet him at the park / swimming pool and then go home to respective houses with the idea that he goes on with his kids to the cinema or do something else fun. So you being there is part of the day rather than more of the day.

That way the kids don't lose out on contact with you (who sound lovely by the way, very child focused) and still maintain a relationship with your children etc.

It may be that his kids really enjoy being with you and your kids as things with the mother may be a bit tense etc.

Hopefully given time things may cool down.

I'm not separated or divorced but my parents were. I never ever met my step sisters and my dad's flat was the most unfriendly place ever.

gtamom · 01/09/2010 14:01

2blessed2bstressed, it would be wise to do that, not see him when his children are with him. And maybe not at all. I don't think I'd want to be a part of this.

Sounds like time will tell if this relationship will be what you want for your family.
You could tell the children something like, that, you are both not ready to get married, and you both have some other things you want to do, just enjoying the three of you?
Good luck

gtamom · 01/09/2010 14:03

I like what Lotkinsgonecurly just posted. Starting over in a way.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/09/2010 14:23

What sort of thing is she getting so pissy about, 2blessed ?

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 15:07

I don't know what was said at the weekend, but previously - I said to the eldest that they were welcome at my house anytime, which was interpreted as dp and I wanting custody, I offered to take them shopping for dp's birthday present - which was taken as her not providing pocket money, and when dp and I went to school play with my eldest to see both younger kids perform, there was a lot of snide remarks about cosy new family and not caring about his own kids. I'm not sure what else because I make him take the phone outside if they're arguing - I don't want to hear, and I don't want kids to hear either.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/09/2010 15:12

your dp is the problem here. he needs a shift in attitude to dealing with her. untill that happens then he poison will continue (you know all this tho)

she feels theatened

does she ever block contact?

brassband · 01/09/2010 15:21

if it's just a casual fling YANBU.However if you are planning something longterm with your partner then you will have to accept that his kids and shit from his ex are part of the package

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 15:23

I know he's partly to blame (this is the only thing we come close to falling out about - we're both normally quite laidback people ).
She's talking about blocking contact at the moment, saying that if the kids have other plans or don't feel like going to dps then she isn't going to make them.
I don't know why she feels threatened - Blimey, her kids are great, but I don't want four! And like I said, dp and I don't live together. She's got her fiance and they share a home, and have her kids mostly, so what's there to feel threatened about?

OP posts:
Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 15:24

It's not a casual fling.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 01/09/2010 16:09

What does your partner want?
If he risks seeing less of his kids he may prefer to see less of you at weekends for a while.
I agree I wouldn't totally stop seeing them and still meet up though.

Squitten · 01/09/2010 16:16

"Blimey, her kids are great, but I don't want four!"

Does that mean that you don't have long-term plans in this relationship?

ajandjjmum · 01/09/2010 16:25

Could she be driven by the fact that they have a better time at yours - even with in-built friends Smile - so she's making up issues that don't actually exist in the children's minds?

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2010 16:36

I just meant that I'm not trying to steal her kids away from her, that's all. I was widowed 6 years ago and this is first relationship since, I'm taking it veeeerrry slowly, and haven't got any long term plans yet. Hence the separate homes, I'm not ready for that yet. Fortunately, because dp and I were friends first, he does understand, and is happy to move at my pace.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread