to distance myself from dp's children?

[2blessed2bstressed]

I've been with dp for just over a year - although we've been good friends for a long time and my children know him and his kids well, and vice versa. We don't live together but he often stays over and when he has his kids every other weekend, they've chosen to stay at mine. I'm under no illusion it's cos they're so fond of me, it's bigger house, they don't need to share a bed, there's a trampoline, a ps3, kids dvds etc..not much of which is available at their dads bachelor pad . However, dp's ex is a bit of a pain..she texts, and phones after every visit - we did this wrong, the kids didn't like it when I said..., my kids were mean to her kids, it's boring at my house etc etc. Last weekend her eldest said something to their mum when they went home and she went ballistic - I don't know what was said and I don't want to, but there have been blazing arguments between her and dp, abusive texts, shouting outside her house, since then. I want absolutely no part in any of that, and I don't want my children hearing about any of it either - so am I being unreasonable to say to my dp that from now on, when he sees his kids it's at his place on their own and I'd rather not hear anything about any hassles with his ex?
Sorry if I've gone on a bit

I think that's probably bang on target aj.

Ajandjjmum - I think that might be it. Its such a shame all round if it is.

AJ-But that's so often the case isn't it.Divorced mum has all teh crap stuff -homework,getting them up for school m school mornings.Dad waltzes in every other weekend and its all fun fun fun!

Brassband, that's a bit unfair - and it's not crap stuff, it's normal family life. That's what we all do every day isn't it? Its part of being a mum.

2blessed - I think I'm the first so far to say I wouldn't do that. If you and your DP are intending this to be a long term relationship then this is going to have to be dealt with sooner or later. Letting her have her way now isn't going to help and will, in fact, probably make things worse as she'll think that kicking off will always get her what she wants with her Ex.

I think you need to say to your DP that unless wants his kids stuck in the middle of the pair of them, they need to sort themselves out, make him see that it's the kids suffering.

I totally get what you're saying, but I'm hoping that the distancing wouldn't be permanent, just to give it all a chance to calm down. I don't see it as his ex "winning ", because noone is, just me refusing to play.

Well, only you can decide, but I feel like you are sending the kids mixed messages - 'You are welcome here anytime' then 'it's not your fault but you need to stay at your Dad's not mine because your Mum is kicking off because you accidentally said something'.

You also said you can't keep doing this just so his Ex doesn't get her own way - which is what made me say, that doing this her getting her own way after kicking off.

It's hard - I know that, but I think you have to be 'in' or 'out' of this relationship and the kids lives - not in & out depending on how much hassle it is.

I know that sounds harsh and I honestly don't mean it to be - but I think you need to think of the longer term and not just 'the next few weeks'.

It's ok, I wanted to gather other people's thoughts because I'm so uptight about it all. I know what you mean about the mixed messages, and that's partly why I'm so unsure about what to do for the best.
However, taking everyone's comments into consideration - and with my own kids as my main concern - I think I am going to explain to dp that he needs to see his kids on his own for now. I'll do what someone suggested about getting some stuff for his house - in fairness, it's pretty nice, just not that child oriented at the mo, but we can sort that. And as someone else said, its quality time with dad. Thank you all for your words of wisdom.