to expect my family to be happy that I got married?

[beachtent]

OK, so, we planned a more traditional wedding, but my family drove us nuts with their various demands, so we cancelled it. We always wanted a small wedding, so we decided to do it all completely the way we wanted to - with two witnesses, and tell everyone afterwards. We knew our families (particularly our mothers) would be upset they weren't there to share the moment, but we thought that our own preferences for our own wedding should take precedence, so we decided to forge ahead with our plans. We got married, it took 20 minutes, we loved it, it was perfect. We had two friends as witnesses, then went on holiday. When we got back, we invited our parents round, opened some bubbly, and told them.

All seemed to be going well, until I was alone with my mum, then she started crying. I expected her to be upset and I too was sad that she hadn't been part of it all. But now her sadness about not being there, her feelings of being 'snubbed' and denied the experience of attending my wedding have dominated my entire family's response since. I expected some negative emotions in response to their lack of involvement, but the scale of the negativity is unreal. I'm getting shit from all angles. I've had my sister tell me she's 'never seen mum so upset about anything in my whole life', that she spent the entire day crying after we broke the news. My sister was crying, saying, 'how could you do this to her? How could you do this to us? We thought we were a close family' and reduced me to tears. My brother has just been on the phone and reduced me to tears again with the same kind of talk - 'what did you expect? You've denied her and she feels left out, rejected, snubbed' etc.

I'm so fed up of trying to justify myself. I got married, I didn't kill someone, I did something incredibly positive with the man I love. We've lived together for 5 years, we have a child together, getting married to us was no big deal. Both of us hate being on show, getting married felt like a very personal thing to do, and we wanted to keep it simple, short, and cheap. And we did.

My partner's family have all congratulated us and sent us gifts and cards. I've not had a single card from anyone in my family.

Have I committed a crime? I know a marriage is the union of two families, but having a child is more so (in my eyes), so we felt that getting married on our own terms in our own way wouldn't be such a big deal.

My mum now wants to take me out for lunch and buy me a present as a way of celebrating my marriage...

Thoughts, please! [bracing self]

Well, your mum has been snubbed, hasn't she? Your family drove you nuts so you decided to get married without them. That is a snub, as far as I can see.

I don't think that getting married quietly is doing something wrong but if your family were so keen to be involved when you were planning the wedding previously then you must have had an inkling that they would be upset if you got married without involving them. This can't really be a surprise to you.

Your mum wanting to take you out for lunch sounds like she is trying to reconnect, it sounds like a good thing to me. Go for lunch, tell her that you didn't mean to upset her, that you hate being centre stage, tell her that's it's not about her driving you crazy (even if it was).

maybe after a week or two they will all calm down a bit. You probably deep in your heart knew it would upset them all, hence your decision to do it your way.

Well done btw, its your marriage. They will get over it. YANBU

I can understand their upset. I would be devastated if one of my sons did this. I would however be reasonable enough to congratulate them as it is clearly about what they would want that is important and not me.

You are not going to win on this one though. I would just drop the subject and if anyone brings it up say something along the lines of 'You have already told me how upset you are / mum is. But whats done is done. And while I understand your disappointment if you can't say anything positive about the fact I have married the man I love then I don't want to talk about it anymore.'

Can your mum not take you both out for lunch? Seems strange to take just you to celebrat3e your marriage and not your dh!

Good luck x

Well your mother is entitled to feel upset isn't she?

I mean I think I'd be upset if any of my children got married without telling me.

But yes do what Trill said and just try and make friends again and appreciate why your mother was sad.

I think you need to say 'I love you very much but you were all driving us mad and forcing us into wedding plans we didn't want so I am very sorry that my choice to do it my way upset you but you will have to get over it eventually'

I wanted a very small wedding with no family, then a friend said to me "how would you feel if one of your own children got married without inviting you?" Parents do want to be involved in their children's lives.
We compromised and had a small do with a small number of close family and friends.

My dad and my MIL both have photos of our wedding on display in their houses, even though it was just a little registry office do. MIL was so pleased to come to the wedding and my dad was really chuffed, even though he didn't get me to give me away. It really did mean a lot to them.

By the sound of it your family interfered a bit much, but cutting them out completely was an over reaction and yes, they will really be feeling hurt. You will have to apologise to your mum, it obviously meant a lot to her, wanting to see her daughter married.

I know I'd be gutted if DD didn't invite me to her wedding, ok she is only 6, but I'd want to see her take her vows, it is a big life event.

Yes of course I was expecting some upset from them. Funny thing is, when she married my step-dad several years ago, she insisted that their parents weren't there. Hmmm. She hates his mum, so really didn't want her there.

And it wasn't her meddling that made us cancel our previous arrangements, it was other people. So it really was nothing to do with her.

And yes, in a way, she has been snubbed, but so have everyone else. It was a mass snub. Aren't we evil? We really should have done it their way to keep them happy. After all, that's what most people do, is it not?

Of course I will go for lunch with her. But I find it really weird that she just wants to take me when I've just got married. Seems a bit like she's trying to reclaim ownership, but perhaps I'm just being a bit far-fetched with that one. I just feel uncomfortable about it on my husband's behalf really.

Hmm, we did exactly what you did and were v pleased that when we called my parents shortly after the ceremony to tell them, they were delighted for us. I'm sure that my mum was probably a bit upset, but she saw that what we did was what we wanted (it prob. helped that it was a second marriage for me so she'd already done the big hat thing).

They'll get over it. I think, your wedding, your choice. don't let them get you down, but do go to the lunch and listen to your mum as I expect she just wants to get it all off her chest.

And congratulations!

They are completely out of order. Your siblings have had their say - if they or anyone else tries to give you any more shit, I would refuse to discuss it further.

But lunch with your mum sounds a good plan to try to make friends again.

I cannot understand the people posting on here who are on their side, and say they would be "devastated" if their children did this. Are they really that shallow? You are devastated when someone dies - not when someone has a party not to your liking. And when all's said and done, a wedding is basically, just a party.

When will people remember that getting married is for the bride and groom, not every bugger else.

Good on you for doing what you want. They will come round eventually, and if they don't, they have really skewed priorities so you are better off out of it.

Beach - your mum may want to have a proper conversation with you and really clear the air which she probably wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of your DH.

I'd acknowledge her sadness but say you just thought it would be easier that way.

Promise her you'll renew your vows at some point and she can be there for that.

I suppose you are being a bit unreasonable in that you knew beforehand how much a big wedding was going to mean to everyone and you've taken that away from them. I think any mother would be hard pushed not to feel a bit disappointed, but it also sounds like the rest of your family have overplayed this and made a huge mountain out of a molehill, it's sad that they've not even congratulated you.

But I like your style. You have underlined to your family and your DH's family that the marriage is more important than a wedding day, and I respect you for that.

Bearing in mind more than 50% of marriages don't make it past 10 years anyway (if the statistics are to be believed), they should reserve their devastation for later.

beachtent you are an adult, you can do whatever you want RE your own wedding. I hate this 'I would be devastated if my child did this' stuff. It's not the end of the world. If my child decisded they would rather get married alone or privately I wouldn't mind. Good for you.

It's ridiculous that your siblings are putting so much pressure on you.

I completely agree with DuelingFanjo.

Congratulations, too!

I can see why your family are upset but we had family pushing and pulling us to have our wedding a certain way, from the colour of my dress to the reception venue and openly laughing at the song we chose for the first dance we didnt want to have. STILL they complained afterwards about how it had been so much so that within days of the wedding we agreed to renew our vows in our own way without any of them when we reach the ten year point. this was 7 years ago on tuesday and still upsets me as i cant look back on my wedding day without remembering the hassle and rudeness we recieved. I wish we had done it our way and put up with the upset that would have caused, at least i would be listening to moaning about what i wanted not about what i submitted to on others requests

I would feel upset if one of my children led me to believe they were going to have a wedding and then sneaked off and did it without telling me.

I'd be far less upset if they'd said 'look this isn't what we want - we're going to elope or whatever'

It would have been the sneakiness/subterfuge which would have upset me I guess.

Congrats to you - just try to ignore them. I don't have the 'wedding gene' and just don't get the point of big weddings - it's the marriage that counts not the wedding IMO.

I got married abroad the first time (partly because I couldn't bear how my alcholoic mother would behave on the day). She has never really forgiven me for sneaking off and that was in 1989!

Second time we had a small do as I knew it would finish her off if I did it a second time.

And I would be quite happy if my children married abroad - it's their life, their choice.

I don't think it's about the actual day though, is it?

It's about the fact that she now feels that your relationship isn't close/strong/special enough for you to want to share your wedding with her.

Added to that she probably feels like everybody else now knows how little you think of her.

I'm not, in any way, saying that you set out to make a statement on your relationship with her. But by having it all your way you've alienated your family.

Congratulations

Tell your family to bloody well grow up

It was a selfish thing to do. You probably knew it would upset your mum, but you did it anyway.

This "it's all for the bride and groom" shit annoys me. It's bridezillaism at its worst. It's a family event. No - they don't get to choose the flowers, but they do get to be there. After all they have done for you it's not much to ask.

The only exception I can think of is the scenario 2old4thislark paints, where there are concerns about the guests' behaviour.

'It's a family event. No - they don't get to choose the flowers, but they do get to be there. After all they have done for you it's not much to ask.'

Her and his family were trying to dictate the wedding.

Children are under no obligation to parents for 'all they've done for them', mine included.

Sorry, I disagree. It's possible to say "no, we're not doing it that way" without uninviting them completely