to expect my family to be happy that I got married?

[beachtent]

OK, so, we planned a more traditional wedding, but my family drove us nuts with their various demands, so we cancelled it. We always wanted a small wedding, so we decided to do it all completely the way we wanted to - with two witnesses, and tell everyone afterwards. We knew our families (particularly our mothers) would be upset they weren't there to share the moment, but we thought that our own preferences for our own wedding should take precedence, so we decided to forge ahead with our plans. We got married, it took 20 minutes, we loved it, it was perfect. We had two friends as witnesses, then went on holiday. When we got back, we invited our parents round, opened some bubbly, and told them.

All seemed to be going well, until I was alone with my mum, then she started crying. I expected her to be upset and I too was sad that she hadn't been part of it all. But now her sadness about not being there, her feelings of being 'snubbed' and denied the experience of attending my wedding have dominated my entire family's response since. I expected some negative emotions in response to their lack of involvement, but the scale of the negativity is unreal. I'm getting shit from all angles. I've had my sister tell me she's 'never seen mum so upset about anything in my whole life', that she spent the entire day crying after we broke the news. My sister was crying, saying, 'how could you do this to her? How could you do this to us? We thought we were a close family' and reduced me to tears. My brother has just been on the phone and reduced me to tears again with the same kind of talk - 'what did you expect? You've denied her and she feels left out, rejected, snubbed' etc.

I'm so fed up of trying to justify myself. I got married, I didn't kill someone, I did something incredibly positive with the man I love. We've lived together for 5 years, we have a child together, getting married to us was no big deal. Both of us hate being on show, getting married felt like a very personal thing to do, and we wanted to keep it simple, short, and cheap. And we did.

My partner's family have all congratulated us and sent us gifts and cards. I've not had a single card from anyone in my family.

Have I committed a crime? I know a marriage is the union of two families, but having a child is more so (in my eyes), so we felt that getting married on our own terms in our own way wouldn't be such a big deal.

My mum now wants to take me out for lunch and buy me a present as a way of celebrating my marriage...

Thoughts, please! [bracing self]

If you're mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to see your parents as people with feelings who have done a hell of a lot for you throughout your life. Would some kind of a compromise between what you wanted and what they wanted have been impossible. Excluding them from one of the most important days of your life was childish and selfish.

well done

your mother and family are way out of order.
I would be delighted if any of my children did this and we are all very close

That's a perfectly horrible thing to do to your family, frankly.

If either of my DCs pulled a stunt like that, I'd be tremendously upset.

Utterly and revoltingly selfish.

What's selfish is having so much input into a wedding ceremony that the people actually getting married feel under pressure to the degree that they run off and get maried privately.

I don't think my DD getting married will be the most important day of my life. It may be to her, and I hope she does everything her way (it's her wedding), but I just don't see it as something she somehow "owes" me. How unhealthy.

Out of order and well done? Way too strong imo.

Her mum could not hide her own true feelings - and probably feels guilty about the outburst too.

If I had caused heartache to my mum through something I had reasonable control over (e.g. whether or not she was invited/informed of my wedding) I would feel like s**t, and I would expect my sis to have a word with me (I would do the same in reverse).

Maybe I am strange, but do you all find it so easy to ignore the feelings of those who are closest to you and who are most likely to support you should, God forbid, sth go the wrong way in the future?

(Disclaimer: I left home at 16 to go abroad so I have been independent for a long time ad I have my own nuclear family, so I am hardly someone who needs her mum all the time, BTW)

Do you know what I've just realised? My cousin got married last month in Vegas with just her mother and stepdad, not her Dad, not the grooms parents and certainly not the rest of the family.

I'm absolutely delighted for her, commented on her lovely photos on facebook but it didn't occur to me to send her a card. It just seemed like a private thing they'd done themselves so it didn't cross my mind. So don't assume that everyone who hasn't send a card is cross with you, they are probably just following your lead.

"DinahRod Mon 30-Aug-10 10:39:01
Tell your mother you'll invite her to the next one"

Wish I'd thought of that one

I don't know why but I find this thread incredibly sad

Families are supposed to be there for you (and you for them) during good times and bad. You say that you have a very large family and so I can well imagine that an event such as a family wedding has the potential to become quite stressful and over complicated. But this is normal surely?

You have already admitted that it wasn't your mum who was trying to interfere and meddle, so why did you feel the need to exclude from your wedding day?

Others on here have also excluded family from their weddings. Some for very understandable reasons (abuse, toxic stuff, alcoholism etc) but you don't give any indication that this has occurred in your family?

I totally understand your frustration at family members meddling but your response was totally disproportionate and well - quite cruel actually!

Why couldn't you have taken some deep breaths and handled this whole situation better? What would have been wrong with an email/letter issued to all of your family along the lines of.....

"We are thrilled and touched that you are as excited as we are about our forthcoming wedding etc etc. DP and I have decided that for various reasons, this is going to be a small low-key affair with just immediate members of the family present. etc etc"

Yes, there would undoubtedly be some members of your extended family who would be offended by this and I imagine they would then come on mumsnet and have a moan and we would all simply tell them to grow up an fuck off etc

But I am really baffled as to why you felt the need to exclude your poor mum. She's your Mum for goodness sake!

I would be heartbroken if My DD's did this to me.

I would not care if they wanted to get married in a public lavtory with just the parents and an enthusiastic gimp for witnesses. I would just want to be there.

Me too Gibbon and I would utterly baffled if my DC's did not feel the same way.

I don't 'expect' anything from my children. I don't expect them to feel grateful or obligated to us for their upbringing or any of that nonsense but I hope that they will always know that we love them deeply and will do until the day that I die.

To be excluded from my own child wedding would just hurt so much.

thesecondcoming - you are forgetting that you/me/we will also one day become MIL's

How will we manage? Not only will we have to remember to be naggy, interfering, unwanted old bints to our own flesh and blood but the added pressure of becoming a vile, evil witch of a MIL too!!!!

Thanks for telling me to grip up though - am terribly hormonal atm!

Exactly. Cos everyone on here would be delighted if their daughter behaved like the op...

I second you Eddie-I cant bear/understand when people say such stupid things.

Theseandcoming... I know what you mean...I think the watershed is 18...

It's not that hard to understand that a good number of parents actually like their kids even as adults and would like to be able to share some of their important moments in life. I just cannot see how that's intrusive if the manner is agreed in advance (e.g. new baby's arrival). I have a friend who eloped and got married. She told me that her mum "was OK" with it and congratulated her.

I spoke to her mum shortly afterwards to arrange a common present for such friend...
The mum broke into tears saying that although she could not show this to my friend she could not understand why she was excluded (she would have been happy to be present at the ceremony and then leave and let the couple celebrate themselves). I know the woman - when her daughter needed her in the middle of a nervous breakdown this mum took her in straight away and got her through the worst patch...

Mah - still can't see what the OP's mum did wrong (except perhaps forgetting to keep the usual stiff upper lip)

" and I did expect her to be sad about not being there, but preventing someone's sadness is IMO not a decent enough reason to invite them to your wedding."

That's your mother you're talking about, not 'someone'!

All this fuss wouldn't have happened if you'd just told her what you planned to do.

For all those hyperventilating over the fact that mothers feel devastated if their children get married without them, it's not just that at all. It's the deception, the fact that you were seeing her and deliberately not telling her what you were going to do.

"Ladies, relax! I am going for lunch with my mum. I just felt sorry for my dh being excluded."

You're sorry because your DH didn't get lunch but you're not sorry you excluded your mum from your wedding?

Trying to find a rational explanation for this sort of behaviour ...

Did the OP really want quite badly to punish her parents, perhaps as a form of retribution for some kind of toxic upbringing?

Yes your poor dh being left out - hello pot meet kettle

You are not being unreasonable at all.

I just don't get -given that you've already been living 5 years together and have a child together - why ANYBODY would get upset that they weren't invited. Surely getting wed in your case is 'dotting the i's'?

(DISCLAIMER: I am NOT saying that there is anything WRONG with those 5 years and child).

But people drive me nuts, you've ALREADY formed a family unit with your partner, jeez, getting married is JUST sorting out the legalities.

What's so special about attending the LEGAL bonding of two people who, by their actions, have ALREADY formed a unit?

People are so illogical: I mean IF they believe that cohabiting is nowadays 'as good as' marriage why the heck do they get upset when two people sneak off to register office to formalise legally their relationship without inviting them?
Either marriage matters or it doesn't.

Christ Marantha, you make it sound so cold and matter of fact. Like completing the sale on a house or puchasing a new car.

But marriage?

Have I time warped back to the fucking 1800's?

Silly me, on my wedding night I mistakenly thought that I was making love to my new husband after a wonderful and memorable day spent with family and friends when what I was really doing was 'sorting out the legalities'. Perhaps I should have just lifted my skirts afterwards to comsumate things and be done with the honeymoon

'Exactly. Cos everyone on here would be delighted if their daughter behaved like the op...'

It wouldn't bother some people. Myself included. I wouldn't see it as a snub or be hurt. And yes, I plan on loving them into adulthood.

But as some posters have stated on here ad nauseum, people have different feelings about weddings and their significance. And other things like visits after grandchildren or born or the like.

For some, it's not something to be 'heartbroken' about if they're not present for such events. For some couples, marriage is a legal thing, a piece of paper.

And it really isn't talking bollocks when some posters say they would not be offended if their own children did this, it's the truth.

I live 5000 miles away from my folks. They are not toxic or dysfunctional, I just chose to live abroad. So they weren't present for some big events in life.

Doesn't mean they were bad or I'm bad or they love me any less or I love them any less.

Thankfully, they've been nothing but supportive. They brought me up to be very independent.

Horses for courses.

But TSC doesn't seem to get this, and has been banging on and on and on about it for some reason instead of well, live and let live.

But that is where your argument falls apart you daft moo.

IF cohabiting 'nowadays' IS as good as marriage then why do cohabiting couples boher to get married at all?

Could it possibly be that it is still regarded as someting special, to be treasured. A commitment to the person that you love?

If so, then a day as special as that (and it is special) should be shared with family no?