to expect my family to be happy that I got married?

[beachtent]

OK, so, we planned a more traditional wedding, but my family drove us nuts with their various demands, so we cancelled it. We always wanted a small wedding, so we decided to do it all completely the way we wanted to - with two witnesses, and tell everyone afterwards. We knew our families (particularly our mothers) would be upset they weren't there to share the moment, but we thought that our own preferences for our own wedding should take precedence, so we decided to forge ahead with our plans. We got married, it took 20 minutes, we loved it, it was perfect. We had two friends as witnesses, then went on holiday. When we got back, we invited our parents round, opened some bubbly, and told them.

All seemed to be going well, until I was alone with my mum, then she started crying. I expected her to be upset and I too was sad that she hadn't been part of it all. But now her sadness about not being there, her feelings of being 'snubbed' and denied the experience of attending my wedding have dominated my entire family's response since. I expected some negative emotions in response to their lack of involvement, but the scale of the negativity is unreal. I'm getting shit from all angles. I've had my sister tell me she's 'never seen mum so upset about anything in my whole life', that she spent the entire day crying after we broke the news. My sister was crying, saying, 'how could you do this to her? How could you do this to us? We thought we were a close family' and reduced me to tears. My brother has just been on the phone and reduced me to tears again with the same kind of talk - 'what did you expect? You've denied her and she feels left out, rejected, snubbed' etc.

I'm so fed up of trying to justify myself. I got married, I didn't kill someone, I did something incredibly positive with the man I love. We've lived together for 5 years, we have a child together, getting married to us was no big deal. Both of us hate being on show, getting married felt like a very personal thing to do, and we wanted to keep it simple, short, and cheap. And we did.

My partner's family have all congratulated us and sent us gifts and cards. I've not had a single card from anyone in my family.

Have I committed a crime? I know a marriage is the union of two families, but having a child is more so (in my eyes), so we felt that getting married on our own terms in our own way wouldn't be such a big deal.

My mum now wants to take me out for lunch and buy me a present as a way of celebrating my marriage...

Thoughts, please! [bracing self]

You wanted your wedding your way, fair enough. You went ahead with your secret wedding, knowing your mum would be upset, fair enough, but having shown a complete lack of care about your mum's feelings, why are you in the slightest bit bothered that the rest of the family are not happy for you? You excluded them all, clearly they are upset, for your mum at least, but also, from your OP, for themselves as well. You ANBU for wanting and having the wedding you wanted, but YABU to expect everyone else to feel the same as you. YA also BU to bring it down to the level of receiving cards and gifts, as you mentioned in your OP. If I am not considered good enough to attend a wedding, especially in the circumstances you describe, then my money isn't good enough to spend on cards etc for the happy couple.

As for what you should do or buy, your mum, personally, there is nothing in the world that you could give me that would go anywhere near making up for the hurt you have caused.

Perhaps others have advice on HOW you can make it up to her.
I think you're right and they are wrong, but at the same time, appreciate she is your mother (and they are your family) so you've got to make peace somehow, after all, she won't be around forever.

Congratulations BT!

Hmm - I presume all those getting upset by proxy had their mums and mums-in-laws present in the room when giving birth to their grandchildren or even present when said child was conceived.

Which is more important - a happy marriage or a wedding day?

"I do feel sorry, even though my dh says I shouldn't, "

Throughout this thread, you have given the impression that your DH is a spoilt, childish arse

I think this is going to take more than a present to sort out.
I would do her the courtesy of really talking through it all to her.

Well I wasn't planning on giving her a gift, it would seem a bit pathetic, particularly as we have very little (well, literally no) money so I wouldn't be able to afford much.

sayithowitis I feel very sorry for you - you must be a right miserable cow living in such a conditional world. My love for my parents and (hopefully, although I'm starting to doubt it now) their love for me is not based on whether they have or haven't invited me to certain events. I don't send cards to people only when they've invited me to their birthday party. I'm not five years old. I send cards and celebrate with people when they've done something great, reached a milestone, or somesuch. When my mother and step-dad married, they didn't want their kids or their parents there, and no one minded. I told her it would be nice to be there, but it's her choice at the end of the day.

I just can't believe all of the replies that are so focussed on my mother. She didn't get married, I got married to someone else, that's what matters here. If my relationship with her is irreparable because of this then it must have been utterly shit to start with. I don't think it's irreparable at all.

Just because the DH in this situation didn't want his parents at his wedding, does not make him a spoilt, childish arse. It was his wedding too, and he has as much right as the bride to say how he would like it to be. He certainly has more say than the mother of the bride or her family!

BT, you don't have to 'make it up' to your Mum, you maybe just have to remind her that she is important to you and you love her. On your lunch day maybe you could make a whole day of it, just spend some time with her, and over the next few weeks make an extra effort to visit or invite her over for dinner. If you can, save up and go and get your nails done together or do something else girly. Get her an extra soppy Mothers Day card next year. Or maybe you could take your ds to one of those places where you can paint pottery, get him to paint something grannyish and have it glazed so she gets a special present from her dgs. I really don't think you should have to get her a present though, unless she would like a wedding picture.

I find this thread very interesting!

DP and I have been together for 11 years. We have 3 children together.
A big wedding, to us it's a wedding with more people than those who legally need to be there, has always filled both of us with dread which is why we haven't got married yet. Very early on in the relationship I told DP I wanted to elope if we ever got married.

This year we finallt started talking seriously about getting married.

We did think about inviting both sets of parents out for a meal and taking them to the registry office with us for a suprise wedding but knew that it would be a very strained occasion as DP's parents would be upset that their relatives were not invited.
Then briefly talked about eloping in the local registry office but it seemed very wrong to get married locally and not tell anyone.
Finally we have decided to elope in Vegas, yes it's tacky but what we want. A private, intmate cerimony with just us and our children. Doing it so far away from home feels less offensive somehow. We have booked our flights and accomadation but will not book the wedding until we are out there.
I do think some family members will be upset, understandably so. Our wedding day will just be about us. We are not expecting any presents or big, joyus congratulations - an acceptance of our wishes will be most meaningful. We will also not have a party on our return as being the centre of attention is just not us.

I don't think you were being unreasonable to get married in private but do appreciate your mums upset especially as she was expecting and looking forward to a family wedding.

Can you have a family celebration party to mark your wedding (with perhaps a church blessing)?

You can put on the spin that you didn't want to spend silly money on cars, and all the other wedding trimmings, where the main thing was to a) get married, and b) have a party focussed on people (their families and friends) rather than the trimmings.

My brother and SIL eloped and it took a while for both mothers to get over it, but they did eventually.

Beachtent, I obviously manage the relationships in my life differently from a lot of people on here: I stand by what I said about what I would do/not do - that's all.

In terms of being constructive (I have been particularly long winded today I admit...):

I would not be thinking about gifts if I were you. I would take her lead during the lunch - your mum may just be keen on moving on so perhaps it's better not to plan anything much.

Are you still having you bash? Perhaps offer a special meal of some sort with you, DH and your parents/siblings in advance of it. I would still let the dust settle first though.

Perhaps just around Xmas have a girlie thing with your mum (and sister?): shopping trip, walk somehwere nice, whatever is your thing - not somehting big but sth you know you will both enjoy?

minerva I'm already there... am planning a cookery course with my mum and sisters very soon, and before we have our big party next year, will have a post-wedding pre-party hen do with all the girly palava. It won't be the same but it will still be ritualistic in its own way. For very personal reasons it would not have been possible for us to have a party and hen/stag dos etc this year, but we just so wanted to be married, we just got on with it. So yes, there will be lots of celebration, but no dreaded speeches and all that other stuff. Just a bit of a piss up with family and friends to celebrate our marriage and a few other very big things that will be happening over the next few months. I'm really looking forward to it all.

So, we had lunch, we had a good talk, we had a bit of a cry, and overall, I think all is well. Thank goodness my mum isn't as extreme as some of the replies I've had on this thread! She doesn't feel disowned, just put out that she couldn't be there. In her own words, her sadness was all about what she missed out on, and fundamentally she is really happy that we're married, and would like to celebrate with us. Phew.

But thanks all for your thoughts and responses, they have all been very thought-provoking and interesting to read, if a little polarised! Good food for thought though.

I am so pleased that you and your mum had a good lunch and talk - hope you both feel better, and that you are enjoying being married .

That sounds great, a nice lunch where you got to express how you both felt, and now she can start to celebrate your wedding too. A good result, I would say!

were your family happy to pay for a wedding?

I think there will come a day where you deeply regret snubbing your family in such a way - particularly your mother who had done nothing wrong.

It's all too easy to take people for granted whilst they are here with us, but I think ultimately it always comes back to bite us on the ass.

I'll never forget the look of pride and joy in my mothers eyes on the day my father walked me up the aisle to be married. People say you don't notice anything on your wedding day, but I noticed that. I've recently looked back at my wedding video and watching my mother cry throughout the speeches my father & husband made, and seeing her watch us all the way through out first dance makes me realise what a huge part of being a parent you've taken away from your mother. The night before the wedding we ironed my veil, coo'ed over my dress, ate Chinese and watched films. Then on the morning we drank champagne, ate chocolates and had some special moments that will stay with me forever. She helped me in to my dress, and calmed my nerves. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Not only can I not understand why you would want your mother to miss out on all of that, I can't understand for the life of me why you'd want to either.

I openly admit I dream of the day where I can share such a special day with my daughter. I'm not saying this to purposely upset you, but to perhaps make you see why she was so upset, she obviously knew what she had missed out on. What's done is done, but the least you can do is have lunch alone with her. That's not an odd request at all. Perhaps she wants to share some special time with you that she

planned to do before the wedding. I know there are things I'd want to say to my daughter on such a momentous occasion. Plus she probably thinks you and your dh don't want to celebrate the marriage with her, otherwise you'd have invited her, right?

A wedding is about love, I think a mothers love is included in that too. Seeing your beautiful grown up daughter happy and getting married somehow confirms thar you've done something right to be a part of it. I bet shes wondering what she did so wrong to be excluded.

My mother passed away just a couple of years after my wedding when she was only in her early 50's. There's many things I'll never get to share with her bow, I'm so thankful we shared that.

Itsoneme when I read the first sentence of your post, I thought, 'Her mother died'. And I was right. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have such special, treasured memories of your mother attending your wedding, and how fantastic you have it all recorded on video too, so you can watch it back. I'm sure those memories mean a lot to you.

However, I do not think you can map your relationship with your mother on to my relationship with mine. It's too big a leap, and therefore your message means very little to me personally, other than that you are somehow hurt by my actions because of how they relate to your memories of your mother.

If you have read through this entire thread, which I'm sure you haven't because it's ridiculously long, you will see that I have very mixed emotions about my mother not being at my wedding. It's not cut and dry, it's complicated and of course there is a huge amount of regret there, particularly in relation to the impact it's had on my relationship with her. But the truth is, we didn't have a perfect relationship to start with (who does?!) and a very large part of my life I felt totally and thoroughly rejected by her. I don't doubt that those experiences led me down the path of such a minimal wedding.

whatkaty - no.

Itsonme, Sorry that your mother has passed away- it is devastating to lose a parent, but I think that you should try to appreciate that not everybody views weddings as purely being a massive celebration.

Some people already HAVE a committed family life and get wed as a means by which they can legally tie things up only.

I'm sure for you getting married WAS a hugely celebratory day- but it is not for everyone, this is why I would question your usage of the word 'snubbed' here.

havent read the whole thing through but if i were you, i would arrange a family meal in a nice pub as a way of marking the wedding.

then be done with it.

if they insist on this endless hysteria so be it.

you did it your way

Thanks all. We all raised a toast together at the weekend and I feel that much has been laid to rest now. I think my mum will always feel a bit put out by the whole thing, but I think that over time she will see that it was not a comment about our relationship. however, I do feel terrible about the whole thing, and still flit between the two opposing thoughts: should I have done it differently to appease everyone and for an easy life? Or did we do the right thing by sticking to what we wanted? Perhaps i should change my screen name to The Queen of Ambivalence.