to expect my family to be happy that I got married?

[beachtent]

OK, so, we planned a more traditional wedding, but my family drove us nuts with their various demands, so we cancelled it. We always wanted a small wedding, so we decided to do it all completely the way we wanted to - with two witnesses, and tell everyone afterwards. We knew our families (particularly our mothers) would be upset they weren't there to share the moment, but we thought that our own preferences for our own wedding should take precedence, so we decided to forge ahead with our plans. We got married, it took 20 minutes, we loved it, it was perfect. We had two friends as witnesses, then went on holiday. When we got back, we invited our parents round, opened some bubbly, and told them.

All seemed to be going well, until I was alone with my mum, then she started crying. I expected her to be upset and I too was sad that she hadn't been part of it all. But now her sadness about not being there, her feelings of being 'snubbed' and denied the experience of attending my wedding have dominated my entire family's response since. I expected some negative emotions in response to their lack of involvement, but the scale of the negativity is unreal. I'm getting shit from all angles. I've had my sister tell me she's 'never seen mum so upset about anything in my whole life', that she spent the entire day crying after we broke the news. My sister was crying, saying, 'how could you do this to her? How could you do this to us? We thought we were a close family' and reduced me to tears. My brother has just been on the phone and reduced me to tears again with the same kind of talk - 'what did you expect? You've denied her and she feels left out, rejected, snubbed' etc.

I'm so fed up of trying to justify myself. I got married, I didn't kill someone, I did something incredibly positive with the man I love. We've lived together for 5 years, we have a child together, getting married to us was no big deal. Both of us hate being on show, getting married felt like a very personal thing to do, and we wanted to keep it simple, short, and cheap. And we did.

My partner's family have all congratulated us and sent us gifts and cards. I've not had a single card from anyone in my family.

Have I committed a crime? I know a marriage is the union of two families, but having a child is more so (in my eyes), so we felt that getting married on our own terms in our own way wouldn't be such a big deal.

My mum now wants to take me out for lunch and buy me a present as a way of celebrating my marriage...

Thoughts, please! [bracing self]

Congrats and good on you!!

I had a small wedding but I would have loved an even smaller one with just two witnesses, or better still, elope. I do not understand the need for people to be involved in other people's weddings- it's about THE COUPLE!

I really don't think you snubbed anyone- I think it's quite romantic actually, and probably more so than these huge productions that people put on.

Maybe suggest that she can help organise an anniversary party in the future if you want one, or maybe she a family dinner now if they can get their acts together and celebrate with you. But do NOT feel guilty- enjoy being a newly wed and have a lovely time with your hubby!

No, YANBU.

Congratulations - I hope they come round very soon and see how happy you are. Please don't let their reactions upset you. As you have said, it was right for you. It might not have been what they wanted, or what you originally planned, but it was your day. Tell your sister to lay off on the guilt tripping, and go out for lunch with your mum; make it very clear that it wasn't personal, but it was what you wanted.

Longtalljosie - we totally disagree about the nature of weddings. To me, a wedding is a union of two people, which brings families together. They are not family events and it's totally our choice how we get married. As a parent you don't get an automatic right to attend your child's wedding - your children have the right to choose!

And to connect 'Bridezilla' with our 20-minute registry office wedding is ludicrous!

I hope our children feel free to get married in the way that makes them happy.

And I hope our families can start to focus on the important thing - the fact that we're married - and forget about the ceremony.

Weddings have never interested us - we just wanted to be married.

for some people, it really is just a piece of paper.

catinthehat2 - LOL. Yes, you've rumbled us. I'm 14 and am illegally married.

Anyway, we didn't 'crap' on anyone. We exercised our personal freedoms to get married in the way we wanted.

We didn't get married in the way we did because of anyone else, we did because it's what we wanted. As another poster has mentioned, to view our choice as a personal slight indicates an extreme level of self-absorption.

Thanks for all your thoughts - great food for thought!

I don't really get the thing about union of families etc, that might have made sense in the days where marriage marked the start of the relationship, but now it's almost always a couple who have been together and lived together as a shared household for many years, probably own a house together, often have one or more children together...surely you've already joined each other's families? Surely any effect on the 'community' has already happened?

In that case the marriage is just a legal contract to simplify some financial and other practical matters for the couple themselves, it's really not anyone else's business unless the couple choose to involve them. I don't get why anyone should be obliged to throw a party just because they're getting some legal paperwork done...no one expects you to dress up like a meringue and invite everyone you've ever met when you take out a mortgage together, for example...

Beachtent asked the question if it was unreasonable to expect her family to be happy that she got married.I would say YANBU.

Regardless of how you went about it. You have (presumably) married a lovely man, father of your child, cementing further your security and happiness as a family. Good on you!

Its baffling that there are people who think YABU to to expect your family to be happy for you just because of the manner in which you married. You have to wonder why anyone would be so bitter. Are all those people who are saying that they would be gutted not to see their kids get married also saying they would then consider it justifiable to hold it against their offspring?

I think its very sad that your family cant see past their own selfish concerns to congratulate you and your DH. I hope they get over themsleves quick enough to avoid doing further damage to your relationship. In the meantime try and rise above it and dont get into defending yourself or apologising. You are not in the wrong.

Yabu- my dh's best mate did this and he was devastated so your mum must feel even worse.
Why not just put your foot down but still invite everyone.
Ah well it's done now, I think you did deserve what you got though.

When I got married, I was forced (as a way of uniting families) to have my brothers inlaws at MY wedding.

Being the ignorant fuckwits that they are, instead of waiting for the bride and groom to arrive then doing the traditional walk pass, they just went in and sat down.

Given that I didn't want them there in the first place, I said "you can either, go wait for things to be set up or you can go" or something similar.

The wedding was better for them leaving and not drinking the wine that we had provided.

The day should be one that you enjoy, sod pleasing everyone else, its the start of your new life.

congrats

If my daughter got married and we weren't invited I know I'd be very hurt, but I'd like to think I'd get over it (at least in public) and congratulate her on her marriage. It's unfortunate that you'd started off planning a bigger wedding as your Mum had time to get used to that idea and started looking forward to it. Stands to reason she then feels left out and foolish when the bigger wedding is cancelled. Hope you can rebuild bridges with her. Don't let this completely spoil your relationship with your mother. I think it would be good to have a party to celebrate your marriage and keep your Mum involved in your ideas for that. When we got married I was careful not to ask advice, but I did keep my Mum involved by telling her immediately after something was booked. That way she felt involved but couldn't interfere.

"We decided to do it all completely the way we wanted to - with two witnesses, and tell everyone afterwards. We knew our families (particularly our mothers) would be upset they weren't there to share the moment"

Who were the witnesses then? Why couldn't you have asked the mothers to witness the marriage, given that you knew they'd be upset at being excluded?

Well, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation it's done now, so the important thing is to rebuild the bridges with your mum. SDhowing that you understand her feelings of hurt and sadness might be a start, even though you don't have to agree with her.

Well Tiredmum fortunately I am not in any way related to her .

"I've had my sister tell me she's 'never seen mum so upset about anything in my whole life', that she spent the entire day crying after we broke the news." is probably the reaction of someone who feels they have been crapped on.

And as you correctly say:"and if she was 14 she wouldnt be able to get married". Also if she really doesn't like being on show and can't afford it, a knees up later on in the year wouldn't be on the cards either.

So there it is. A drama queen who hates drama. A considerate daughter who the rest of the family seem to be fed up with. Someone who acts like an early teenager yet has several children herself. Someone who asks if she is unreasonable but can only hear the posters who say she is entirely reasonable in every way.

It's all about the contradictions and inconsistencies really isn't it? Many people on this thread have had or intend to have a quiet wedding and have gone/will go about it an entirely thoughtful and adult way. A thoughtful adult earlier in the thread said: "I do think you should have been able to predict the reaction though, sorry" - I tend to agree.

"Weddings have never interested us - we just wanted to be married."

Exactly. However, there are a lot of people who can't make that distinction.

withorwithoutyou - because we would have been right back where we started, with everyone we know there, of course. There's not a chance they would have kept it a secret!

Wow.

You think that if you'd have asked your mother to witness your wedding, but to please not tell anyone else that she would have invited loads of people anyway?

Either you have a very dysfunctional, untrusting relationship with her, or you just have a really low opinion of her.

Either way doing what you did probably wasn't the best solution to it.

I've seen posters on MN for whom it really is just a piece of paper. They have gone off and got married with strangers as witnesses and not even told their families about it. Seems perfectly sensible to me (as long as there's something about it in their wills so that executors, etc., know). They don't then expect their families to be happy that they got married, because for them it is just a piece of paper.

If getting married is no big deal and having a child is the real thing that's joined the two families, why expect family to be happy about the marriage? After all, it's no big deal.

It doesn't sound as though the OP's mother is focusing on her own selfish concerns or holding anything against the OP. She was upset, she cried, she's now asked the OP out for a celebratory lunch.

And I don't think that the OP's siblings are focusing on their own selfish concerns. They have seen their mother upset, in their view avoidably upset, and they are holding that against the person (the OP) that they feel is responsible. There's nothing selfish about that.

Where I do think they have strayed over the line is in phoning the OP up to have a go at her. That's not helping anyone. The family ought to be trying to move past the hurt and upset rather than dwelling on it, especially as there's not exactly anything the OP can do about it now.

It's perfectly possible to "apologise" in the sense of saying "I am very sorry that you feel the way you do; I had no idea that it would affect you this deeply" without also saying "I did a terrible and unreasonable thing and need to ritually flagellate myself". And if you are sorry that the person feels the way they do, and you didn't have any idea that they would take it that badly, there doesn't seem anything inappropriate about saying so.

I would be devastated if DS got married and I wasn't there.

I do think there is a difference between getting married just the two of you on the spur of the moment, and having started planning one wedding only to go and do it on quiet without inviting anyone.

Could you not have told her what you were going to do and asked her to keep it secret?

beachtent Tue 06-Jul-10 10:36:50
Ah this has made me feel better about our own upcoming mini-wedding. Just us, our son, and a couple of friends as witnesses, then tell the family when we get back from holiday (honeymoon, sorry!). We tried to organise a more standard wedding, but it stressed us both out and so we cancelled all our plans and have been telling everyone we're doing something next year... Tee hee!

Not so funny when it comes back to bite you on the arse though is it?

So you lied to them that it was next year, snuck off then expected them to be all happy for you?

YANBU to expect your family to accept and celebrate your marriage.

However, your mother is very upset and is taking a while to get her head around the fact that you are married, she missed the ceremony and the way she feels that reflects on your relationship. You seem to feel that she should just get a grip and move on asap.

You feel it is no big deal, your mother obviously feels it is a huge deal.

Give her some time, reassure her that you love her and that you value your relationship. She will be happy for you, once she realises that your are not rejecting her - but I really don't think it's just up to your mum to do all the running to set your relationship back on track after this wobble.

YANBU and congratulations.

As for having to invite your parents because they've done loads for you well no. Parents choose to have their children, children don't ask to be born. AFAIC my kids owe me nothing.

A big party isn't the same as a wedding, for a start you don't have to stand up in front of everyone with them staring at you (I'm talking about vows here, not speeches). Also it won't cost as much for a big party, everyone knows that the minute you mention wedding the prices shoot up.

Congratulations beachtent - I wish I had your guts TBH. Having family from hell on both sides, DP & I continue with the soft option & just haven't bothered to get married. We've been together 16 years now. I want to be married but have zero desire for a wedding. YANBU at all.

YANBU
Personally I don't see weddings as a big deal and think that you should be able to get married in whatever way you choose. Congratulations BTW!
Having said that you clearly knew that your mum would be upset so you must have been able to predict the response you would get. From what you've said it sounds like she tried to be supportive but her emotions got the better of her. I don't see how you can blame her for that as rightly or wrongly she clearly feels very hurt. Go to lunch with her and explain that you love her and it wasn't meant as a snub etc, then draw a line under it. I'm sure she is happy that you've married a (presumably) very good man, just the emotions of not being at the wedding are still very raw so she might be feeling quite conflicted IYSWIM.

So you lied to them all and said you were having a wedding next year, and then did it without telling them?

No wonder your Mum is upset and your siblings are upset.

I think you sound very self-absorbed.