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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have never been happier since DH dropped dead

117 replies

merrywidow · 27/08/2010 23:13

not quite dropped dead, it took about three weeks for the verbally abusive, controlling, womanising, gambling bastard to pass away. Just thought I'd share

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 28/08/2010 11:19

glad to see you comment on this thread, though TR - there's such a huge difference between relief and grief.
and everybody has the right to feel how they do about anything - if the OP is angry, then let her feel angry, and if she's happy that she can now move on with her life, then let her.

YANBU.

daftpunk · 28/08/2010 11:21

Yanbu, I'd think exactly the same if i was married to a bastard like that.

Enjoy the rest of your life.

TriplePachyderm · 28/08/2010 11:22

well I just thought I would comment

but I agree with you and that is why I put feel free to completely ignore me on the end

I mean, I know tha teveryone just ignores whatever they dont want to listen to but I thought I would say it so thateveryione knew that I was just passing my thoughts on not telling her she was wrong

Bonsoir · 28/08/2010 11:23

Sounds like you got unexpectedly lucky, OP!

Enjoy the future Smile

sanielle · 28/08/2010 11:24

If this is real, I am pleased you are out of your abusive relationship. But I really think you should show some respect to other women who might read it and be devastated at the loss of their husbands.

The title is really in poor taste.

I don't know how old your children are but how would you feel if they found this?

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2010 11:25

best of luck op

but

A word of warning about being too vocal.

A friend of mine said allsorts of things about her dead husband, got a lot of sympathy from the village.

As soon as both of her DD's where old enough to leave they did, the reason they gave was that they couldn't stand the lies their mother had spread.

I do know that the man in my experience was a devoter father I do not know wether he was a devoted husband. the two are not mutually exclusive.

TimeForMe · 28/08/2010 11:26

Thread title may be offensive to those who were a part of a loving relationship and have lost a DH but it won't be offensive to everyone.

cumfy · 28/08/2010 11:30

In all likelihood YANBU.

MW, how are your children feeling about his demise ?

borderslass · 28/08/2010 11:31

I remember being told about an ex of mine dieing the woman involved had a child with him and found out through the csa I told her it was the best news I'd heard in ages and asked her if he'd treated her as badly as me and she said he had.I'd been young and vulnerable when I met him and he was 20 odd years older than me.

onlyjoking9329 · 28/08/2010 11:35

I think when a partner dies a big part of the grief is the loss of your future plans and dreams, everything seems to hold a memory, every song on the radio makes you cry.
If your relationship was unhappy then I can understand why you might feel relieved that you will have a different future.
I saw it differently as I didn't want my DH to die and as my son pointed out we hadn't finished loving him yet.
Thou after knowing he was going to die for ten months and looking after him throu all that time I did feel some relief that he was no longer in pain, thou selfishly I wanted him to stay here forever.

Gibbon · 28/08/2010 12:00

OJ - not seen you much since the tea shop days and I took a break from MN.

I just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am xxx

SouthMum · 28/08/2010 12:24

YANBU and nearly every thread title is potentially offfensive to someone.

lou33 · 28/08/2010 12:39

If i didnt know how upset my kids would be if exh died, despite his serious failings, i think i would feel the same. In fact i know i would, i just.wouldnt be ablw to be open about it. I am even more sure of it today , after spending 4 hours at a&e with him yesterday after his 2 week bender, which i only did because the dc's were worried about him. Not sure why they do tho when he comes out with such gems as they have a new dad now (my bf) so he doesnt need to make the effort

marantha · 28/08/2010 12:53

Well if he was horrible to you then I don't blame you for feeling relieved that he is dead.

You know perhaps it's OK to say so here, but I wouldn't be open with everybody about it, all the same.
The default setting is that the widow is going to be sad about the death; we all know that this is NOT always the case,but other people find it strange that it isn't (maybe the ones who had loving spouses). There's no reason to potentially alienate them with views THEY find odd.
Be glad inwardly but don't broadcast it.

ValiumSingleton · 28/08/2010 13:03

Well done for speaking out. This is such a taboo. I used to lie awake hoping my x would drive his motorbike into a wall. But eventually I realised the chances of this were minimal. So I left. Being an abusive, controlling bully, he still manages to make my life difficult from a few hundred miles away, so occasionally, I still wish he were dead.

ValiumSingleton · 28/08/2010 13:05

ps, and before some sanctimonious ARSE climbs down my throat to lecture me, I can still sympathise with TR in the SAME way the rest of you can, because I know that what I went through was a million miles away from a relationship. I know what it is like to lose somebody, and I know what it is like to mourn a relationship. And I also know what it's like to be so oppressed, bullied, controlled and depressed that you wish somebody were dead. That's not something most people can understand probably.

ValiumSingleton · 28/08/2010 13:10

ps, and people saying that this thread is offensive to OJ or TR are just totally stupid. What OJ and TR had with their late husbands was on another PLANET to what the OP obviously had. THere is no comparison. So why try to compare them and then get offended?? Confused Hmm You can't subtract apples from oranges.

Merrywidow, I'll drink to your freedom [cheers] and you will never EVER have to worry that some mad man will drown/abduct your children because he hates you more than he loves them.

Good luck to you and your children in your new, free life!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/08/2010 13:19

It's quite odd how many people feel that if he was an arse, she should have left him.

Yet I remember threads where people were confiding about their abusive partners and while a few people were saying leave leave leave, many others were saying how it's not always that easy, you are ground down, lack confidence, the abuse affects you mentally so that you are afraid / unable to leave.

And yet now the abuser is dead the feeling is that she should have been able to leave when he was alive and the point often made about fear and lack of confidence and the things that being abused do to a person mentally doesn't apply.

That does not make sense to me.

And - imo we should treat the living well, kindly and with respect. The dead are dead. It's too late. If someone was a bastard when they were alive, then oxygen no longer getting to the brain has not changed anything in that department.

I hate this mentality of canonising the dead. Good people should be mourned. The death of an abusive bastard who made his family live in fear and sapped his wife of her will and confidence and made her life a misery should be cause for a street party.

missmoopy · 28/08/2010 13:25

There are some really well written posts here. I agree, that merrywidow, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Being dead does not make him a better man.

I am sorry so many people can't see that.

I also think people are judging you for having the courage to be honest. I think it is a safe and therapetuic thing to be so honest in 'virual life'.

Good luck for your future and to your children xx

Morloth · 28/08/2010 13:28

Everyone dies.

If you want to be missed best not to be a dick.

I also agree with Hecate, I used to think that women should just leave and will still tell them that if asked for advice, but it isn't that simple really. So much head fuckery and co-dependence can happen in abusive relationships.

WetAugust · 28/08/2010 13:32

You are so NNNBU!

Congratulations on your freedom.

Gibbon · 28/08/2010 13:48

It's fuck all to do with what sort of man he is and the relief one would feel now he's gone. Not finding that offensive at all.

And valium, as for 'ps, and people saying that this thread is offensive to OJ or TR are just totally stupid.' OJ said she found the title offensive, is she stupid too?

You may not agree with people finding the thread title offensive, doesn't give you the right to call them stupid for feeling that way.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 28/08/2010 13:49

YANBU at all. Glad you are free now, and really sorry you had such an awful time with him. I also used to think 'just leave' but MN has really opened my eyes to the reality of DV etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying what you feel. Who on earth could blame you? And if you can't say these things to a bunch of internet randoms, where the hell can you say it?

My DH grew up with an incredibly abusive mother. He is lucky to be alive TBH, let alone to be a healthy adult and a great husband/father. He says when she dies he wants to go to the funeral. To make sure she's really dead and there may be some grave-dancing...

of course I'll support him but I desperately don't want him to go. how on earth will he cope with everyone saying how lovely she was?! :( Angry

StealthPolarBear · 28/08/2010 13:50

VS I'm sure women who have lost loved husbands and are mourning can empathise with the OP, however they might not want to see the title every time they come on to MN.
I ahve no problem with this man being dead though, sounds the best place for him

marantha · 28/08/2010 14:03

Hecate, Yes, I thought exactly same as you.
People can't have it both ways; they can't defend a woman who stays in an abusive relationship by saying her self-esteem is eroded to the point where she can't leave (a defence I happen to sometimes agree with) then get annoyed when very same women (who fate has by some lucky chance removed the cause of her misery) wants to express how glad she is that her abuser is dead.

Logically, they should say; hey that's great, by lucky chance that man you couldn't get away from has gone forever and you didn't have to make it happen, fate did it for you.

But they don't.

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