to think 3 days with mum 3 days with dad is not a very stable routine?

[Patfrench]

Hello. Posted this is legal as well but interested in opinions re wellbeing of DD 2 1/2, especially when older starting school; solicitor thinks child needs more routine and longer stay with me (with visits from dad I would think) - any opinions out there? Thanks

My nephews do 50/50 admittedly they are odler but is working out fine.

It will depend on how it works out and the personality of the child, but stability means routine - and if it stays a routine then it can work just fine.

I think a child should have one home and not passed from pillar to post like a possesion. YANBU. Surely DD could visit her Dad frequently but have one home with you?

Lot of pressure on one parent then.

if both parents want 50/50 why then is it pressumed that the mother should have residence?

I know when my parents dplit up when I was eight, I would have completely hated this.

It needs to be a cast-iron schedule, not alterable under any circumstances. Kids need stability and routine. I think 3 days is too short a time. Maybe one week each place? My parents had no routine for me and I was always getting in trouble at school for not having the right books because I'd left them at the other place

Why should a child have to have a home with mum and visit dad? That has to be one of the saddest assumptions of todays society. It is based on the times when women were traditionally more likely to be home either full or part time and fathers were considered an nice little extra for thier children but mostly were there to earn the money.

Times have changed. Equal access should be seen as the starting point for access arrangements and then the details worked out from there, not the other way around. Children deserve two equal parents if at all possible and having two "homes" is not at all damaging to a child provided the parents are grown up enough to make it work properly between them.

Shared care works best when parents are able to work with each other and that is not always easy at first but I honestly believe that it should be your ultimate goal.

We share residency of DSD with her Mum, she stays with us for a week then her Mum for a week, she is incredibly settled and happy generally. We have done this for nearly 2 years since she was 4. I would say that we started off the joint residency with 3 days/4 days but poor DSD didn't know whether she was coming or going. It works for us but every situation is different.

Equal access is all very well when the child is not yet in school. Once they are of school age it gets very difficult.

I do agree however that it is unfair that the mother is automatically seen to have the "right" to full time custody with only visits to the father allowed.

What does your ex want?

What mrsrhetbutler and Bellasformerfriend said.

I think 50/50 is fine, and I know families for whom this works.

Mme why do you think is it harder when they're at school? As long as both parents live near enough to the childs school I cant think of any specific issues. Can't really comment on the difference as we only started joint residency shortly after DSD started school.

Equal access can and does work fine once a child is in school, it works best if both parents live relativly close so that any problems with school books etc can be dealt with easily. Of course children don't need seperate books on seperate days until high school mostly so that won't be a problem for a while!

I do agree that 3 day turnaround can get very confusing but not until a child is a bit older than yours. At the moment I would suspect your child does not know what day it is/is it the weekend etc.

Over the years we have tried out lots and lots of variations, the one that worked best for all us was Mon/Tues parent one Weds/Thurs parent two and Fri/Sat/Sun alternating each week so the child gets a full weekend with each parent each fortnight.

YABU. My DD is the same age as yours, and spends 2 nights with her dad (not on consecutive nights) and 5 with me - although we will probably change that to 3/4 nights soon.

We have done this since she was nine months old. It was really hard at first, but has worked out brilliantly.

The fact that she spends a good chunk of the week with her dad means that they have a really close relationship. No way would this have happened if he was just visiting her, taking her out for the day, or having her every other weekend. He has really had to take responsibility for her, and has turned into a great dad.

We will need to review how our arrangement works when she starts school, but I don't see any reason why it shouldn't continue to work.

It works out well for us too - I have time off to work/socialise/have a break, and DD's dad gets the satisfaction of knowing that he is an equal parent, not just a visitor.

I know how painful it is to work these things out, but if you can make it work I do believe it's best for everyone.

I agree with glastocat. I wouldn't have wanted to up sticks every few days to another house to see my other parent.

YY, agree it's important to stick to the same days every week.

bratnav
I was thinking about having the right things to school on the right day, which would be awkward for the child if they were eg. at mum's house one monday/tues/wednesday then the week after at dad's house.

Of course, this would not be a problem until later, in secondary school.

I do think that for young children it would be confusing. My 6yo DS has just recently understood the days of the week and when he goes to school. (It confused him that Wednesdays were school free days).

But MmeLindt, I don't think this is a problem if you stick to the same days every week. My daugher is 2 and completely understands that Daddy picks her up from the childminder's some days and Mummy picks her up other days. And that she spends all day Friday and Saturday with Daddy.

I would have thought children will be reluctant to do this the older they get
they'll pick a bedroom and want to stay in it IMO
specially teenagers, they like their own space and will be off with their mates all the time, they'll hardly see their parents as will be holed up in their preferred room of choice
I always find it slightly bizarre when people see they relish having three days out of seven without their kids

I think a lot depends on how well the parents handle the situation tbh.

MmeLindt, that problem is easily got round with good organisation and planning - my dd learnt early on to plan ahead to make sure there wouldn't be any problems. Of course it really does help that her dad and I are close enough that, from secondary school age, she has been able to walk between our houses alone (we live closer to each other than either of us does to the school - still far enough away that we don't run into each other though )

I do see what you are saying about confusion but, IME, it has not been a problem. Children grasp from early on that Tuesdays they go to Grandmas, Wednesday they go to Rainbows/cubs, Saturdays they go to the park. Of course they may not know the names for the days yet but the concept that different things happen on different days is not a difficult one most of the time.

compo, that could be a problem of course (again not one I have experienced) but wouldn't that mean the parents and teenager would need to have a conversation at that point? Nobody says that the arrangement made now needs to endure for the next 16 years. Even equal access needs to be flexible to some degree!

Yes, I can see that organisation is the key.

Compo, that's a bit of a hurtful post. I don't think anyone is saying they relish having three days off from their kids. But you make the best of it, don't you?

It is very important to me that DD has a good relationship with her dad, and that I don't stand in the way of that. Of course I would prefer to sleep under the same roof as her every night, but that is not an option. So I try to see the positive sides of the situation, and enjoy the time to do my own thing. That was very hard at first, but I have adapted as best I can (as I'm sure DD's dad has too).