to think 3 days with mum 3 days with dad is not a very stable routine?

[Patfrench]

Hello. Posted this is legal as well but interested in opinions re wellbeing of DD 2 1/2, especially when older starting school; solicitor thinks child needs more routine and longer stay with me (with visits from dad I would think) - any opinions out there? Thanks

we share care of my 21mo DS in a very amicable arrangement and have a pretty happy and settled child. His dad is a SAHD so looks after him during the day, plus 3 nights per week. I have DS the rest of the time although, because we live so close, I often see him on 'Dad' days too.

Personally, I think for young children, short stays at each are better. I know my DS really misses me if he doesn't see me every day and likewise for his dad. Perhaps when he is older 1 week at each will work better but right now that would be way too long for him.

50/50 can work although I think 4 days would be better than 3. Little longer in each place just seems better.

The outdated view of one poster who thinks mum should have kids and dad visits is just so sad.

I actually feel a bit at a loss and to be honest xp is a bit of a bully (emotionnally) so the solicitor is really trying to help me i think. Sitting down to talk with him is something I would love to do but "talking" is not a concept he understands - he is extremely bitter and resentful and is not interested in communicating, only interested in his viewpoint and what suits him, and annoyed at having to "put up" with me basically; I can only hope that in few years time he will have calmed down (having a new gf doesn't seem to have done him any good though) and then maybe a 50/50 split can work; but for the short-medium term, without decent communication things are already difficult and tense enough...Maybe I will still propose alternate w/e his being a long one, or 2 w/e on 3 - (every w/e for him would be a bit sad as I take her to see friends sometimes at w/e) and some weekly visits. Anyway for now he doesn't have a decent place yet so is always around mine :(
Thanks for all comments - anymore keep them coming, very useful.

I think it is really really hard if your ex is a bully. That is a completely different kettle of fish. Good luck with it.

I have a 50/50 split with my DH. We do the more complicated 3/4 day split swapping on Wednesdays and Sundays. It works really well for DS. We were concerned that it might be complicated and unsettling, but actually it means that he is not without either of us for too long. DS is at a special school, so is picked up for school everyday by taxi from his father's house, so he always gets an hour with his df in the mornings regardless of who's day it is. We live just round the corner from each other so if he needs one of us we can always be there.

One of the benefits of splitting his time the way we do is that, rather than - as one poster suggested above - mummy does swimming club and daddy does speech therapy, or whatever, we both do everything so don't miss being able to talk (or sign) to him about the things he does.

This, however, only works because we are still extremely good friends, our split has always been amicable and we both adore our ds and would do anything to make it easier for him.

If things change as he gets older and wants one room in one house, then we will accommodate that and it will be up to him (not in a 'choose a parent' kind of way. We will both be understanding and supportive).

As inveterate says above, though, I would worry that this would be an extremely difficult arrangement if you don't get on with one another.

Patfrench - lots in favour of 50/50 split and a good routine but surely routine also means agreeing on parenting style.

If your ex is a real bully this may work against you. If you feel he's going to undermine you in terms of parenting all the way then you'll end up with a confused and possibly manipulated child all in the name of 'fairness'.

Go with your gut instinct. Where divorces are nasty (and many of them are) it's easy for the parents to take out their bitterness on the kids in relation to the other. You sound like you want to do the right thing but just ensure he does too.

I had a friend who live lifeissweet did 50/50 with sundays and weds being the 'swap' days - it worked well for her - she basically had 2 of everything eg school uniform etc so she wasnt lugging bags of stuff around with her - it also meant she had a nice balance as her mum is abit of a wild child while her dad was much more sensible. Also meant it was set in stone - eg doesnt matter if a parent had something on they had to manage it if what they had fell on a day/night they had her - so there was no disappointments or last minute cancellations the routine was set week in week out.

But obv it worked because they were all committed to it and I think it must of really helped they only lived about 10 minutes drive apart.

Her dad wasn't even her biological father.

Why wouldn't it be?

SIL has this arrangement with her ex and it works great for both them and their now 12- and 11-year-old sons.

It's appalling how one parent, the father is basically expected to step out of the equation when the couple split up.

I agree with Bellasformerfriend.

It really pisses me off when mothers think they should be the most important parent.

Im going the opposite way...dd is living with me 80% as her mohers parenting skills leave a lot to be desired...

But I take it as a challenge...with the end game having a well grounded child...children thrive on stability and routine which they should have
my and dd`s attitude is

What ever anyone /anything is thrown our way we come back stronger and with reasonable suggestions

Op, given that your ex is a bit of a bully then I would actually say that shared care with fixed access arrangements could work better for you!

Often bullying parents use access arrnagments as a stick to beat the other parent with, things like not turning up when you have made it clear that you have plans by yourself, wanting to have the child last minute when you had something planned with them and so on.

Fixed access arrangments where both parents have been made very aware that there is little or no lee-way cuts out a lot of the game playing. It also gives the bullied parent a very good feeling of back up if any of this behaviour starts. If you go through a court then you will probably go to mediation and/or through CAFCASS. You may well end up with defined contact where the amount of access is recorded by the court and each side is expected to stick to it. The other option is that you may end up with the amount of contact defined but the details to be made "by arrangement" this allows some flexibilty but it has to be agreed by both parents so you still get the support you will need to deal with a bully!

Contact arrangements are very difficult, I do feel for you, please don't think I am "against" you simply because I don't quite agree about shared care

Bellasformerfriend, not at all, otherwise I wouldn't have posted here :) If we got on well and agreed on parenting I wouldn't be reluctant. At least now that he knows I have a solicitor he is more polite, and the solicitor has all the background which might be why she thinks it is not a good idea, she's trying to push me to be more assertive in fact, and even thinks it is not a good thing he still comes to my place - I don't like it but I want DS to spend time with him. Just not too much as the result can be DS won't want to sleep alone or will think it's normal to throw all the CDs on the floor (I know it is normal for a 2.5, but I try to teach a bit more care if poss!)...I just feel that I am doing all the effort; it's even a struggle to get some money from him just for the nursery and has a 60k year job but mention of the CSA got him starting speaking about courts and who would be the resident parent and I got scared. Any proposal would go through the solicitor anyway as I only want written exchanges with him, anything verbal he will deny later. Maybe I could propose less than 50/50 to start with and if he became more reasonable and communication became easier we could go on 50/50. Well I don't know why I say this as I guess he will refuse any proposal I will make anyway...

Sadly different levels of parenting are part and parcel of split parents. Trust me I know all about the thing of having to retrain your child every time they come back . It does get easier as the child gets older, they do learn that there can be two sets of rules in force. "You may be able to do that in Daddy's house but you cannot in mine" becomes a stock phrase.

If you are going through court he will have to become reasonable or the judge will come down on him very hard. Especially if your reasonable proposals are constantly knocked back. You do need to be assertive, be focused and keep your temper!

"It really pisses me off when mothers think they should be the most important parent."

Except sometimes they obviously are. Do you really think all the seperated fathers that have no contact with their children are in that situation because of anything other than a lack of interest? Have you not noticed as well that women still, in the majority of families, do the most childcare, the most SAH parenting, the most fecking all of it?
Often there is a good reason why the mother sees herself as a more obvious candidate for custody.

And IMO, 50/50 parenting is often much more about what the parents want than what the child needs.

I have a relative who does 50/50 and it's fine. The main thing is the parents don't use her as a weapon and her feelings and wants are paramount.

'And IMO, 50/50 parenting is often much more about what the parents want than what the child needs.'

WTF????

Did you read the thread? There are lots of parents on here who are making shared care work in difficult circumstances because we genuinely believe it is in the best interests of our children to grow up being parented by both parents.

If you haven't got anything useful to say, don't waste your breath.

Bonnieprincebilly, what on earth are you so angry about? you seem a little over-reactive considering the sensible and balanced posts that have gone before.

If what you say is true then 50/50 care cannot be about what the parents want can it. You say the mothers give more care and therefore are reasonable to want primary residencey but that 50/50 is about the parent not the child - can you not see that your to assertions do not stand up next to each other??

I dont like the assumption that Mum has right of veto TBH

buty its got to be whats best for the baby

Angry? A mild interest, nothing more. And I think you'll find the stats back up my point.

A differing opinion is hardly a "waste of breathe", unless you think a debate only needs one viewpoint?

I am sure the stats are that it is mostly women who STAH and (possibly partly as a consequence) that mothers tend to do the most childcare. I am not sure how that should translate into 50/50 being about what the parents want and not about the child though.

The stats do not back up your point even though they are probably correct.

BPB - nothing wrong with healthy debate and differing opinions. Lots of other posts on this thread that I disagree with but respect their POV.

But, there is plenty of evidence on this thread that parents are trying hard to ensure shared care arrangements work because they genuinely believe it is in the best interests of their children. To state - without any evidence - that shared care is 'more about what the parents want', is essentially calling us all liars. That's just being rude, not having a differing opinion.

Feel free to apologize.