to think 3 days with mum 3 days with dad is not a very stable routine?

[Patfrench]

Hello. Posted this is legal as well but interested in opinions re wellbeing of DD 2 1/2, especially when older starting school; solicitor thinks child needs more routine and longer stay with me (with visits from dad I would think) - any opinions out there? Thanks

Compo I find it bloody hard looking after one 13 month old 24/7, with his dad turning up for visits. It can only get harder as the years go by I'm sure! I would quite like the odd day's relief. If that makes me a shit mum, so be it. I don't care.

Actually I kind of see what Compo is saying there (well I think I do anyway). I have friends who go on (in front of their kids) about how they can't wait till the weekend for dad to take the kids off thier hands so they can have a break/get pissed/see the new man etc etc. I find it quite an odd point of view, although I don't sit around weeping into my cocoa I do find the time without my daughter to be strange, empty - well more empty than it should be. I certainly don't pack her off with any pleasure at all and would far rather she was here 24/7 if that were possible!

Bellasformerfriend - ISWYM. I certainly don't feel like that and am a bit that people would say that in front of their kids.

I never feel like I need a break from DD - I treasure the time we have together so much, and it makes it really special. I certainly NEVER feel like I am packing her off with a feeling of relief, and I can't wait to get her back at the end of it.

Guess it's just me then. Ah well.

Hmm, yes, it has to be one of my pet peeves. I am never quite sure how to respond when people say that kind of thing! (I am fairly sure "how can you say something like that you self absorbed fool" would not go down well )

Shaz10, not at all - it is totally normal to want a day off once in a while! I don't think there is an honest parent out there who has not thought longingly of the idea of someone taking over for a while - especially in the early years!

No, Shaz - I didn't mean it like that! Of course you are not a crap mum for wanting the odd day off. Surely every parent wants a break from their kids sometime, especially if you are to manage on your own. I think it's incredibly hard being a single parent 24/7 - you deserve a medal.

Look at all the posts from SAHMs on here - even people whose DHs are around in the evenings and weekends struggle at times.

The reason I said I don't ever need a break from DD is because I get one - twice a week.

Really sorry if I upset you.

Well I pack my boys off with a feeling of relief, believe me. I practically threw ds1 at his dad yesterday (only for 3 hours, more's the pity).

When they go for the weekend, I pack them off and I get a MASSIVE sense of freedom, relaxation and wellbeing.

People who don't feel a sense of relief have one 5 year old who likes colouring and sits still.

Oh you didn't upset me, don't worry! I realise that until H sorts his arse - and accommodation - out, I'm reliant on him visiting, which thankfully he does often. But it still officially leaves me in charge 24/7 which I often resent. I don't resent my son, he's ace and thankfully easy. But I do resent the situation and would love to have 3/7 days 'off' to go and be irresponsible like he is :o :o

BUT

That's in the school holidays,.

In term time, I could cry sometimes because I feel like I've hardly seen them and they are spedning al their 'good' time at their dad's.

Shaz, don't allow "Visiting" - this means your ex will feel no need to sort accomodation.

My ex didn't sort his accomodation for 3 goodamn years - until I got a boyfriend and put my foot down and said "You are NOT handing around my house any more. YOu take them out and you amuse them until 6pm. I do not care if you have no money. Take sandwiches."

He magically found himself a flat within 2 months.

Maybe i am a "special" case because I always have a child here as my ds does not see his dad at all - therefore I never actually get that freedom feeling, just the someones missing feeling... perhaps I should look into sending him to grandad for a couple of days and see if my attitude changes when the prospect of real freedom looms

Yes, I think it makes a difference that I work FT, so I always have lots to catch up on when DD is away AND I never have days and days just looking after her.

YANBU Parents divorced when I was nearly 2 & so spent half week with each parent.
I can say over 30yrs later it was not a good idea, caused serious attachment/identity problems at the time.

I hate this rubbish about evil women assuming they have more rights than men.

Fact is, women do far more hands-on childcare than men. There are exceptions but they are precisely that, exceptions. In general, most of the donkey work is done by women. Hence when couples separate, the woman continues to be the primary carer. That ensures stability for the child.

Some families do manage to make shared care work. Good for them - as long as it is genuinely about the needs of the child and not about one of the adults feeling aggrieved if they can't split the child down the middle.

See the way I see it, two parents means half the work each, hands on or otherwise.

As for the reasons behind shared care in the first place, well, aren't they a bit immaterial as long as the parents do make it work for the children?

My dd is very happy with it and always has been aside from some movement around days to get the best combination to work for us all (often driven by her). My ds would not want shared care if he was offered it, it would be the worst thing for him. As things stand we have arrived at the situation that works best for all of us, what difference does it make what the reason was that we started down each road in the first place?

Sounds like a perfectly good routine to me - and after all it is a routine that children need to feel safe. It doesn't matter if it doesn't conform to others' ideas of a normal set-up, just so long as the child know where it stands.

It may be impractical in some senses, but I'm sure that is more than made up for by having equal access to both loving parents.

What Compo said "I always find it slightly bizarre when people see they relish having three days out of seven without their kids" - hmm, i don't know, i do miss them but actually i do relish the time without my dcs - i find it really tough being solely responsible for picking up, feeding, bathing and settling them - they are always so grumpy after school and we don't do fun stuff after school we just do routine stuff like homework and arguing about bedtime and it is so TIRING. so if they can do all that with their dad so i can come home from the office and just slob out and be by myself a couple of days, that suits me. weekends and holidays are a different story but even so, time to go to the shops, have a coffee with friends, get some housework done without having to entertain them is good i think. but maybe i am just heartless!

sorry, back to the OP - my ex boyfriend grew up spending 3.5 days with each parent and it worked ok for him. he had a bedroom at each place and each parent was devoted and organised.

i am just of anyone who actually has a routine or any kind of contact arrangement as my ex is refusing to co-operate and we have no routine at all...

I think it depends in part on how the children feel towards each parent. If they get on equally well with both parents, I don't see why a well-organised 50/50 arrangement can't work. I imagine both parents will need to be grown-up about the sharing arrangements in order to make it work(sadly many ex-couples simply don't manage this). Also I imagine that with 50/50 it makes it harder for one parent to relocate to a different part of the country - I've seen this happen to two friends whose male ex's have the children at the weekend. The dads then end up only seeing their children on alternate weekends - far worse IMO than 50/50.

I would point out that your solicitor is there to represent your wishes, not those of your child. Just something to consider.

The solicitor is working for you. He is supposed to agree with what you want!

Don't confuse his support with you being right on this. Maybe a three day turnaround will be a bit too disruptive as the child gets older, perhaps weekly or fortnightly is more practical. But I really don't see why you think you are entitled to the lion's share of access.

I think that the relationship between the parents is as important as the practical arrangements in creating a stable environment for the child.

The OP might want to consider sitting down with ex and discussion what is best for their child, rather than using the solicitor to fight about who can have the most time.

50/50 worked for us - their father is their father and has as much right to bring them up as I do. It also reduced sense that step-spouses were replacing real parents. But dc's considerably older. We did 4/4 days which I felt wasn't enough to get settled either way: ds especially used this to slip out of responsibilities. 7/7 makes more sense - easier to organise, and everyone gets some weekend time and some weekday time every week which will matter hugely if either of you are working and when dc goes to school.

And I love my time with my dcs and i love my time without them.

one week in each place sounds better to me. wish we had that much access with my stepkids :(